Still struggling a year later...

[yellowhibiscus]

I have been broken up with my ex for a year now but am still feeling like I am struggling with my emotions. It was a very unhealthy on and off again relationship that lasted over 4 years. Internally, I know and understand the things he did were wrong and how they made me feel....but I also struggle with wondering if it was just me, if I did something to provoke it, or if maybe his behavior was justified in some way. I am constantly talking it over with my family (and they are sick of hearing about it)- kind of just needing validation. What I don't understand is if he treated me so poorly- why can't I just move on and forget about it like I have in other relationships. I have such huge anxiety about starting a relationship with someone else and find myself finding reasons to not like certain guys because I am so afraid of getting close to them.

 

At first, the relationship was amazing. I really thought that he was "the one". After 3-4 months of being together, I noticed that he checked my phone and email frequently. He blew up over a text that I received from a male friend that was very innocent. Even after explaining it to him, from then on, it was like he was convinced I was cheating on him. If I went out with friends, he would ask me 20 questions about what I did when I got home, such as "were there any guys there" and if so, "did you find them attractive?". We moved in together after about 6 months and then that is when it all started to change. One day, he came home and a pillow was on the floor and he was questioning me about it. He implied that he needed to get cameras in the bedroom because he didn't believe me that I didn't know why the pillow was on the floor....crazy, right...This kind of stuff continued. He once asked me if the reason I had clothes in the back of my car was because I was going to have sex behind his back. If we got into an argument and I left the house, he would say "Tell him I said hi".

 

Things would be really good and then really bad. If I confronted him about anything that bothered me, he would say "Well I guess I should just leave then". He would say that he was leaving, making me all distraught all day but then say "Oh, I didn't really mean it" or "I changed my mind".

 

He once told me that I was the reason that he drinks....this was after I had spent a night taking care of him after he got black out drunk and puked everywhere in his car. I barely got any sleep that night because I thought he had alcohol poisoning.

 

There were a few times he did leave though- one of the last times he left and and he had a new girl 3 weeks later. After they break up, he starts texting me again and draws me back in. Every time he would leave, there was always someone else. This last time, I couldn't fully commit to be being back with him so I tried to be "friends"- even though stupidly we slept together a few times. When I would try to break it off- he would send me these long messages about how he loved me, cared for me, cried when he saw our old pictures, etc. He did this one day and then the next day I found out he was going out with another girl....and then a few weeks later posting pictures of them on Instagram. I hate myself for falling for that crap once again.

 

I have him blocked now on my phone and social media but the pain just won't go away. I am now on antidepressants too. I just feel broken, betrayed, and hurt and I want to stop thinking about him but I can't. I know I should be glad but can't help the constantly questioning myself. Looking for some suggestions...

Edited March 21, 2017 by yellowhibiscus

[Downtown]

Yellow, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational anger, controlling behavior, easily triggered temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, black-white thinking, always being "The Victim," and rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you) -- are classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your exBF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that he may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it.

 

I am still feeling like I am struggling with my emotions.

If you really were dating a man having strong BPD traits, consider yourself lucky that you're only struggling with your emotions. In BPDer relationships, a large share of the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. Because BPDers typically are convinced that the absurd allegations coming out of their mouths are absolutely true -- they generally have a greater "crazy-making" effect than can ever be achieved by narcissists or sociopaths.

 

This is why that, of the 157 mental disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. The result is that therapists typically see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are going insane -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

 

Nothing will drive you crazier sooner than being repeatedly abused by a partner whom you know, to a certainty, must really love you. The reason is that you will be mistakenly convinced that, if only you can figure out what YOU are doing wrong, you can restore your partner to that wonderful human being you saw at the very beginning.

 

I also struggle with wondering if it was just me, if I did something to provoke it, or if maybe his behavior was justified in some way.

As I just said, you will be mistakenly convinced that, if only you can figure out what YOU are doing wrong, you can restore your partner to that wonderful human being you saw at the very beginning.

 

What I don't understand is if he treated me so poorly- why can't I just move on and forget about it like I have in other relationships.

BPDers typically exhibit an emotional intensity, warmth, unmitigated joy, and purity of expressions that otherwise is seen only in young children. This means that, like young children, they are very easy to fall in love with and very hard to walk away from. Indeed, walking away from a BPDer can feel like you're abandoning a sick child who desperately needs you. The result is that it is common for the abused partners of BPDers to attempt to leave many times.

 

There were a few times he did leave though- one of the last times he left and and he had a new girl 3 weeks later.

If he is a BPDer (i.e., exhibits strong and persistent traits), multiple breakups is to be expected. Indeed, BPDer relationships are notorious for it. A BPDfamily survey of about 460 such relationships found that nearly a fourth of them (23%) went through 10 or more complete breakup/makeup cycles BEFORE finally ending for good. About 40% of the BPDer relationships experienced at least six breakup/makeup cycles before ending. And 73% had three or more breakup/makeup cycles before finally ending. See "Results" at BPDfamily Breakup/Makeup Poll.

 

After 3-4 months of being together, I noticed that he checked my phone and email frequently.

One of the key defining traits for BPD behavior is a strong fear of abandonment. That fear most often manifests itself as strong, irrational jealousy -- like the irrational jealousy you describe here and in some of your other threads.

 

I want to stop thinking about him but I can't. I know I should be glad but can't help the constantly questioning myself. Looking for some suggestions.

Yellow, when discussing this with you in my Aug 2015 post, I suggested you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. I also suggested that, if most of those red flags do sound familiar, you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells and raises questions, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, Yellow.

[hindsight2021]

Hi Yellow,

 

What Downtown said^^^

 

And,

 

I feel like I know what you are feeling from my own experiences. I dated a diagnosed BPD girl about 6 years ago and still haven't fully recovered from it. My emotions have recovered in the sense that I no longer miss the person, or want to be with them... and I see their behavior for what it is now and am not so confused about it, but the effects of dating this woman seem to have greatly effected my own behaviors in relationship. Somewhat of a "rubbing off" of personality onto me. Projection of HER emotions into me, which happened because at that time in my life I had weak boundaries, and these emotions now come up sometimes when I am dating someone. This isn't how I felt before dating her when I was in relationships. These aren't my emotions, they are hers.

 

For example, I now can become afraid of being cheated on or left in relationships because since dating her I've been cheated on by another woman (and the BPD herself cheated on me while we were together, and also did the repeated abandonment/breakup thing). I never used to have that much fear about being cheated on or abandoned prior to dating her. However, the reason I feel this way is because SHE feels that way so powerfully that she couldn't face those emotions, so she disowned them into me to make me feel them and then claim me to be the "weak/bad one".

 

I see this in you, as well. For example, you said that now when you look into dating other guys, you have anxiety about it and fear about getting close. Those are your EX BF'S feelings that he projected into you.

 

I have fear of getting close now, too, but I am able to face that fear with courage and lean into it... and give the person in front of me a chance and as clean of a slate as I can. Still, these emotions sometimes surface in other relationships. It could be because I'm dating a similar type, or it could be because of me and my own experiences.... and probably both.

 

If you aren't going to therapy... perhaps considering it is worthwhile? If it doesn't feel like a good fit for you, then try someone else.

 

I have had to do a whole lot of hard work in terms of disowning emotions that aren't my own--emotions projected onto me by others. And at the same time allowing myself to feel and identify with my own.

 

The real kicker is that as I explored this, I learned that I have been accepting other people's emotions via projection as my own since I was a child. That is when the healing really started to begin for me. It took me 4 years to get to that point, and I am still working on that today. The reason it has taken me so long is because I had two relationships that I probably shouldn't have gotten into because I hadn't processed this stuff within me yet. However, if I hadn't dated them, perhaps this stuff wouldn't have surfaced in me. Please don't be discouraged.

 

Anyway... its somewhat of a rabbit hole. Go as far as you want, but be mindful if you feel as though you've gone too far. In any case, the only way out is though.

 

And the other side is so beautiful. I had a taste of it, and then made the same mistakes again in another relationship which brought me to have to re-face all this stuff again at an even deeper level.

 

This guy's behavior is a sign of his own issues, and not so much a reflection of you. Maybe reminding yourself of that repeatedly will help as needed.

 

This guy sounds like he was very controlling and manipulative. He also sounds like he took advantage of your kindness and didn't value it. My guess is that he probably "dangled a carrot" in front of you a lot, and you kept going for it, being given it now and then only to have it taken away from you and dangling again in front of you... while you pulled the wagon of emotional weight and responsibility behind you. As Downtown said, its sort of like being with a child. From my perspective, a child who is always in the passenger seat of a car you are driving with all the emotions and responsibilities that each of you own... kicking and screaming the whole time. And you're the one paying for the food and gas along the way.

 

Everyone makes mistakes, and we all can exhibit irrational behaviors.... but nobody deserves to be treated like that.

 

Finally... don't judge yourself for how long it has been that you've felt this way after the breakup. I know it is easier said than done... I still do it to myself. When you are with someone who's goal is to control what direction you are going in... yet you are the driver... and control what you feel, its a traumatic experience. Trauma takes a while to heal from. But you will become strong and more beautiful than you already are for it. And people will notice. And they'll take a liking to you in an authentic way. When you get to that point, be mindful that some of these people may want what you have... which is strength and beauty. Probably what you already had before dating this guy, which is why he wanted to be with you in the first place, because to him he is ugly and weak and can't admit those feelings to himself. So, he fed off of you. The best is when you become conscious of your own strength and beauty... and when you sense someone else trying to take it from you.

 

Reading books and articles about psychological projection and "hooking" have helped me tremendously.

 

Recovery is a spiral forward, three steps forward two steps backwards kind of deal.

 

It sounds like you are still having a really hard time with it all. Try to work with a therapist who specializes in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. If you aren't making progress with a therapist, either the therapist isn't that good, the match between the two of you isn't good, or you aren't sharing things with them that might make you feel really vulnerable. It is always worth bringing this up with them, stating what you need from them, or trying someone else.

 

Sending love your way to your heart and mind.

[spiderowl]

I can understand why you are feeling broken, betrayed and hurt. It was fact; you were treated like this. It happened gradually and people get caught like this, through no fault of their own. It started out nice then gradually deteriorated, going from upsets and rows to downright irrational behaviour on his part. That kind of experience is bound to cause great distress and confusion. You must have lots of questions as to why he behaved like this.

 

Basically, the guy has lots of issues and is partly crazy. It is impossible to have a relationship with someone like that. He is abusive therefore he abused you. He is cruel and sadistic, hence his hurtful, irrational behaviour. He is seriously controlling, which is why his behaviour was designed to throw you off-kilter and control you.

 

I don't think you or anyone else can really get your head round why someone would behave like this. He is a sick person. It has nothing to do with you. You were unfortunate in being the person he found next. I think there is a tendency for a person to feel as if there is something bad about them as a person if they are feeling hurt or ill. Being hurt or ill makes you feel bad. From that mental/physical state where you are in pain, feeling and feeling demoralised, somehow the mind tells you it must be because you are bad in some way. This is not the case. There is nothing wrong with you. You were just unlucky in meeting the wrong guy.

 

Somehow you need to remind yourself of all your lovely qualities. You were loving, interested in him, cared, wanted to be genuine and faithful with him. These are all good qualities, the kind of qualities you find in a decent person, the kind of person most of us would want to be with. You were honourable and loved him. He was the one who did not have the good qualities needed for a relationship. He is the one who messed up, not you. Remind yourself what a great person you are. Don't let this messed-up guy dictate your feelings about yourself.

Edited April 9, 2017 by spiderowl