Jemima1234 Posted March 22, 2017 Share Posted March 22, 2017 How did you cope when it was their wedding anniversary?? Reality hitting that if he loved me he wouldn't be there celebrating it with her would he be?! If you read my back story you will see I been trying to stop an affair for past few months!! Today he told me that even though it was hard for him he needed to focus on making sure anniversary was nice for his wife and asked me not to ask any questions about what happens!! and when we fell out told me not to invade?! This from the man who apparently doesn't have feelings for her or have sex with her???? Oh this has to be a lightbulb moment surely??? This is what I am - the side show, the other woman, the one who doesn't matter!!!! And yes I know the right thing to do here- am working towards it but this is spooooo hard!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Savannah2 Posted March 22, 2017 Share Posted March 22, 2017 Well.. I wish I had better advice but tbh my mm posts every year some mushy I love my beautiful wife post on their anniversary.. mere days after he has been with me physically. I asked him if he meant the things he posts or if he just posts to make her happy. He said both reasons. Sigh. T Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted March 22, 2017 Share Posted March 22, 2017 I hope this is an eye opener for you on where you really stand in his life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted March 22, 2017 Share Posted March 22, 2017 If he loved you he wouldn't be with her and if he loved her he wouldn't be with you, right?? Not necessarily. Men who have affairs want affairs. He has a wife and a girlfriend and he likes making them happy. He wants to do for both women. He likes having an ear to hear his complaints. And who doesn't? I don't go around complaining about my H or kids to people but I do have a girlfriend or three that I can vent to. So when I'm frustrated as heck at my little angel, I have a safe place that I can vent and the person I'm venting to understands completely that I love my child and am just frustrated and need to get it off my chest and visa versa. So when he complains possibly it's the same type of vent. I think in many cases MM expect their OW to understand that they are married and anniversaries, birthdays, vacations and holidays are part of that. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ice3784 Posted March 22, 2017 Share Posted March 22, 2017 How did you cope when it was their wedding anniversary?? Reality hitting that if he loved me he wouldn't be there celebrating it with her would he be?! If you read my back story you will see I been trying to stop an affair for past few months!! Today he told me that even though it was hard for him he needed to focus on making sure anniversary was nice for his wife and asked me not to ask any questions about what happens!! and when we fell out told me not to invade?! This from the man who apparently doesn't have feelings for her or have sex with her???? Oh this has to be a lightbulb moment surely??? This is what I am - the side show, the other woman, the one who doesn't matter!!!! And yes I know the right thing to do here- am working towards it but this is spooooo hard!!! My MM are planning to revow during his anniversary. Guess how broken i felt. Link to post Share on other sites
BuddyX Posted March 22, 2017 Share Posted March 22, 2017 Can predict, MM was intimate with his wife. And prob professing their love for one another on Social Media. Where does that leave you? Go NC. Stay strong. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted March 22, 2017 Share Posted March 22, 2017 Mine's anniversary won't be for a good while yet... I am still desperately hoping they'll be officially over by then, because I know if she manages to drag things out that long and then push an anniversary celebration, he'll find it that much harder to let go. Really, I ought to set it as a hard deadline, if I can find the backbone to push for a deadline. Not choosing, for that long, is itself a choice. And since she knows, she'll definitely see it as her victory and rub it in. Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted March 22, 2017 Share Posted March 22, 2017 Mine's anniversary won't be for a good while yet... I am still desperately hoping they'll be officially over by then, because I know if she manages to drag things out that long and then push an anniversary celebration, he'll find it that much harder to let go. Really, I ought to set it as a hard deadline, if I can find the backbone to push for a deadline. Not choosing, for that long, is itself a choice. And since she knows, she'll definitely see it as her victory and rub it in. Stop blaming and competing with his wife. Raise your expectations of yourself and the MM. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Taxed Posted March 22, 2017 Share Posted March 22, 2017 How did you cope when it was their wedding anniversary?? Reality hitting that if he loved me he wouldn't be there celebrating it with her would he be?! If you read my back story you will see I been trying to stop an affair for past few months!! Today he told me that even though it was hard for him he needed to focus on making sure anniversary was nice for his wife and asked me not to ask any questions about what happens!! and when we fell out told me not to invade?! This from the man who apparently doesn't have feelings for her or have sex with her???? Oh this has to be a lightbulb moment surely??? This is what I am - the side show, the other woman, the one who doesn't matter!!!! And yes I know the right thing to do here- am working towards it but this is spooooo hard!!! Oooh yeah...Been there, done that - did not wear the t-shirt though, LOL. Yes, it can be hard to realize that they have a primary relationship which always comes first - especially if he makes/made you feel very loved. Seems like situations like these are the name of the game, if you participate in an A with a MM or MW. It was hellish to be "reminded" and I stayed away from all social media and tried to stay busy doing whatever. I do not miss it for one second. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 22, 2017 Share Posted March 22, 2017 As his OW you are not supposed to interfere with his marital life in any way. You are supposed to just enjoy the time he spends with you. Do not ask him if he is having sex with his wife because of course he is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PickledHead Posted March 22, 2017 Share Posted March 22, 2017 I don't understand the comments stating that the MM is definitely having sex with his wife. I've read it on a number of threads before and even had it said to myself and it's totally unfounded and comes across as a way to belittle the OP The MM may very well still be having sex and in alot of cases possibly is but that does not mean all and shouldn't really be said as a hard fact My own A aside, I was married previously and my husband had an affair. Had he told his AP that we weren't having sex then he would have been telling the absolute truth. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Birdies Posted March 22, 2017 Share Posted March 22, 2017 I don't understand the comments stating that the MM is definitely having sex with his wife. I've read it on a number of threads before and even had it said to myself and it's totally unfounded and comes across as a way to belittle the OP The MM may very well still be having sex and in alot of cases possibly is but that does not mean all and shouldn't really be said as a hard fact My own A aside, I was married previously and my husband had an affair. Had he told his AP that we weren't having sex then he would have been telling the absolute truth. I agree. In my opinion, this board does a disservice when people state these "truths" and "absolutes". He's definitely having sex with his wife. He definitely only wants no-strings-attached sex with you. He's never leaving his wife. The divorce isn't actually pending. The love you think you feel is a complete fabrication of the affair fog. Etc etc. Maybe it's because I'm a scientist. Absolutes are just not defendable. Shlt, gravity is still technically a theory! But yes - in MOST cases, I would guess that if they're still married, they're going to be having sex on their anniversary. If not that, at least a loving and romantic evening. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Pinkfry Posted March 22, 2017 Share Posted March 22, 2017 One of my "eye opening" turning points was their anniversary (which is the same week as his wife's birthday.) We had been texting and he was being overly lovey and future faking with me the day and making plans for meeting up that night. In the middle of all this, I checked one of my social media sites and during the same time as he is being over the top mushy to me, he had made a over the top mushy post about her for her birthday/anniversary. I called him out immediately and his excuse of "well it's the one day a year I have to make her happy". So I asked him why he wasn't making plans for HER that night...... "oh well she is on her period". Talk about a real winner. Not sure why I ever wanted to be her-the one that got him. :/ 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 (edited) I don't understand the comments stating that the MM is definitely having sex with his wife. I've read it on a number of threads before and even had it said to myself and it's totally unfounded and comes across as a way to belittle the OP The MM may very well still be having sex and in alot of cases possibly is but that does not mean all and shouldn't really be said as a hard fact My own A aside, I was married previously and my husband had an affair. Had he told his AP that we weren't having sex then he would have been telling the absolute truth. This particular MM is definitely having sex with his wife: he needed to focus on making sure anniversary was nice for his wife and asked me not to ask any questions about what happens! Edited March 23, 2017 by aileD Spelling 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Adoraxx Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 My xMM's last year's anniversary went like this: they were on a vacation to some sunny resort and lo and behold, what pops up on social media...? A pic of them holding each other in their arms and written next to it was how they're so happy to have been together for an X amount of time. I mentioned to xMM later on that I saw the pic and one week later I got unfriended Link to post Share on other sites
PickledHead Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 This particular MM is definitely having sex with his wife: Which doesn't mean definitely. When my husband attempted to make things nice on our occasions then the last thing he would have offered up was sex. His AP may not have wanted to know of gifts and meals so saying not to ask doesn't always boil down to sex. Not all relationships are the same and there is no definate that he is having sex any more than there is no definate that he isn't 2 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 How did you cope when it was their wedding anniversary?? Reality hitting that if he loved me he wouldn't be there celebrating it with her would he be?! How he handles their anniversary may be a good indicator of where his intentions lie. Our A lasted three and some years, so continued through at least three of their anniversaries. None of which were spent with her; none of which involved "making it nice for her" or such. He was checked out of the M emotionally, and his body followed. If he had been fussing around her "making it nice" for her, I'd have been gone, and we would not be M today. Even if he is pretending to his BW, it shows an investment in maintaining that M. Why else would he need to pretend? If he was checked out, he would not care about making it nice for her, he'd be interested in making sure it was nice for you. Why allow him to put her feelings above yours? Surely that's not the R you want. If he can't give you what you want, he's not worth investing in. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 One of my "eye opening" turning points was their anniversary (which is the same week as his wife's birthday.) We had been texting and he was being overly lovey and future faking with me the day and making plans for meeting up that night. In the middle of all this, I checked one of my social media sites and during the same time as he is being over the top mushy to me, he had made a over the top mushy post about her for her birthday/anniversary. I called him out immediately and his excuse of "well it's the one day a year I have to make her happy". So I asked him why he wasn't making plans for HER that night...... "oh well she is on her period". Talk about a real winner. Not sure why I ever wanted to be her-the one that got him. :/ Why did you think it was okay to call him out about his wife? What business was that of yours? That is their business. Is the wife privy to what the two of you do? Why don't other women enjoy what they have with the MM and stop focusing on his relationship with his wife? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 My xMM's last year's anniversary went like this: they were on a vacation to some sunny resort and lo and behold, what pops up on social media...? A pic of them holding each other in their arms and written next to it was how they're so happy to have been together for an X amount of time. I mentioned to xMM later on that I saw the pic and one week later I got unfriended Did he just... think you wouldn't notice? Or not think of you at all? Sigh. Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 Why did you think it was okay to call him out about his wife? What business was that of yours? That is their business. Is the wife privy to what the two of you do? Why don't other women enjoy what they have with the MM and stop focusing on his relationship with his wife? Well, if he's been telling the OW that his marriage is dead and that he's planning to leave to be with her, it IS the OW's business to find out if he's lying through his teeth just to get laid. If he's up front from the beginning that all he wants is sex and no questions then he can expect his OW to follow the rules and leave his wife out of it. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 Well, if he's been telling the OW that his marriage is dead and that he's planning to leave to be with her, it IS the OW's business to find out if he's lying through his teeth just to get laid. If he's up front from the beginning that all he wants is sex and no questions then he can expect his OW to follow the rules and leave his wife out of it. If he has told the OW he is leaving his wife for her the best and only way to get the real truth is to contact his wife and tell her what he told you. If MM was honest and said he just wants you for sex he probably wouldn't get it so that is why they lie. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Adoraxx Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 Did he just... think you wouldn't notice? Or not think of you at all? Sigh. Oh he probably counted on it that I wouldn't comment on it, but I did. And that's when I got unfriended. Btw, we weren't in an A anymore at that time but he was acting wishy washy towards me so I figured it would be ok to mention it (only briefly) Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 Which doesn't mean definitely. When my husband attempted to make things nice on our occasions then the last thing he would have offered up was sex. His AP may not have wanted to know of gifts and meals so saying not to ask doesn't always boil down to sex. Not all relationships are the same and there is no definate that he is having sex any more than there is no definate that he isn't Okayyyyyyyyyy..... were you in the bedroom of your mm? Sure you know what he tells you.....but since their cheating on their marriage and not getting caught, mustn't we admit that they have already proven themselves to be really good at lying???? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
HappyAgain2014 Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 You know where you stand. He has a protective boundary regarding his wife. While I agree that some marriages are sexless, telling you not to ask what happened means he intends to have sex with his wife. It's horribly demeaning to be put in your place. Are you ready to get out of this? If so, make the decision and stick to it. That's what MM have in common with many OW.. the inability to stick to a real decision. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jemima1234 Posted March 23, 2017 Author Share Posted March 23, 2017 Okayyyyyyyyyy..... were you in the bedroom of your mm? Sure you know what he tells you.....but since their cheating on their marriage and not getting caught, mustn't we admit that they have already proven themselves to be really good at lying???? Pickled head is speaking as a wife here I think?? Her husband had the affair Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts