Devastated my husband wants to leave me for somebody else

[Lilly Pants]

My husband and I have been married 4 years, together for 6, and we have 2 kids. We've had a lot of ups and downs but I always thought we were pretty happy. But I just found out he's been having an affair for the last month with a woman he works with and is close with. Now he wants to leave me for her. I'm devestated. I don't know what to do.

[stillafool]

I'm so sorry. What are you going to do?

[Lilly Pants]

I don't know. He said he was going to leave. I asked him to stay and he said no, but after I totally broke down and pleaded for him to think of our family, he stayed but it's like he's not here. He plays with the kids and spends time with them. He says almost nothing at all to me. We are like roommates. I don't want him to leave.

[Mrs. John Adams]

You cannot make another person love you... you cannot make another person stay

 

And honestly you deserve better

 

You deserve a man with loves you and wants to be with you

 

Help him

 

Pack his clothes and tell him he is free to leave and he will hear from your lawyer

[stillafool]

The first thing you have to do is stop begging him to stay. Stop showing him affection and let him go. I can't believe he met someone a month ago and now he's ready to leave his family. Let him go. Begging him will turn him off to you. You have to pull yourself together for your kids and show him strength. That is what will get his attention.

[Lilly Pants]

He didn't meet her a month ago. He works with her and she kind of joined his circle of friends. They became good friends over the last year or so. I confronted him two months ago and said I wanted him to end the friendship. He broke down and said he couldn't because he thought he loved her. I told him that he had to end their friendship and work with me on our marriage. He stopped talking to her and it really looked like he was putting effort into our marriage. He was opening up with me and things were good.

[Lilly Pants]

I don't think I can just say goodbye and hold the door open for him to go. This is 6 years of my life. It means something to me. Just being told that he's leaving and then telling him that's fine doesn't seem right.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I don't think I can just say goodbye and hold the door open for him to go. This is 6 years of my life. It means something to me. Just being told that he's leaving and then telling him that's fine doesn't seem right.

 

You don't have a choice

 

He has made the choice for you

 

Now if he wants to stay and work on your marriage ... then you have a choice

If he comes to you and says forgive me I want to stay.. you have something to hold on to

 

But you cannot hold onto a person who has left you

 

he has already made the choice to abandon you

[BTDT2012]

You deserve so much more than a remorseless cheater. Do you know where she lives? Is she married? What you do is see a lawyer. Let him go, in fact, pack his clothes and tell him to go. You have to be willing to lose the marriage before you can save it.

[Lilly Pants]

What's the point of marriage if somebody has an affair and wants to leave and you just accept it? I didn't marry him so I could help him pack up when somebody better came along. I don't feel like this is how this whole process should work at all.

[Quiet Storms]

What's the point of marriage if somebody has an affair and wants to leave and you just accept it? I didn't marry him so I could help him pack up when somebody better came along. I don't feel like this is how this whole process should work at all.

 

No it isn't, but it is how it's working out for you because of HIS horrendous choices.

 

If you want him back - and I'm not sure why you would - your begging to him is going to do the opposite. You can't force him to stay, so show him the door and let him do what he's going to do anyway. Be the better, stronger person. He will be surprised by your strength. Begging will only lead him to the door faster.

[Lilly Pants]

Yes, I know where she lives and yes she's married.

 

Willing to lose the marriage? I'm not willing to lose the marriage and I'm not a practice wife who helps him pack and unpack when he moves in and out of a girlfriends house. If I had found out and said that he should go, he would have. He would have taken it as my blessing to just go. That's not at all what I want for us.

[BTDT2012]

Yes, I know where she lives and yes she's married.

 

Willing to lose the marriage? I'm not willing to lose the marriage and I'm not a practice wife who helps him pack and unpack when he moves in and out of a girlfriends house. If I had found out and said that he should go, he would have. He would have taken it as my blessing to just go. That's not at all what I want for us.

 

Tell her husband.

[aileD]

First off I'm so sorry. No one should have to go thru this. It's so painful and hurtful.

 

Right now he is caught up in the affair. He's swept into a whirlwind "love" he thinks is amazing and unique.

 

It's not. But you will never convince him of that. He needs to figure it out on his own.

 

Let him go. It does not mean the end of your marriage. It doesn't have to be the end. But it might be for awhile until his bubble bursts and he now has to deal with the reality of the affair.

 

You can tell him you still love him and want the marriage, but you won't be second best.

 

Let him go, expose him to his (not your) family, tell this woman's husband if she has one, expose him at work if possible. He will have to deal with the full consequences of exactly what he is doing. Pack his stuff and leave it out for him. Set a visitation with the kids and don't let him come and go like it's still HIS house. Anything that has to do with marriage, cut him out of. He needs to know what being divorced feels like.

 

Get a lawyer and get a firm separation agreement in place including finances. You don't have to move forward with a divorce....though you can if it comes to that

 

do NOt engage with him. Other than letting him know you love him and this is not what you want for your marriage or your family and to arrange time with the kids.

 

Let him see how life is going to be without you, and see how their "relationship" holds up to scrutiny and stress in the real world.

 

Don't rush things. You don't have to make a final decision on the marriage right away. But he can't be with a thet woman AND be in your marital home.

 

I had a similar story and we are back together...it's been a hard two years but our marriage survived.

Edited March 22, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge

[Lilly Pants]

The only reason he's here right now is because I pleaded with him to stay. If I had told him it was fine and to go, he'd be gone.

 

I'm not playing a game of reverse psychology here. He won't either. If he leaves, he's gone. He's not going to realize that he wants to come back. Even if he does it's because it didn't work out with her, not because he stayed for me. We have a marriage here. I believe in it. I'm not a progressive thinker who sees their husband has a girlfriend and steps aside until it's out of his system or just lets him go. That's just not for me at all.

[Lilly Pants]

If I tell her husband, what's to stop him from throwing her out and every obstacle that was between them is removed and now they can be together? It seems better to have her go home to her husband every night instead of mine.

 

To be perfectly honest, I'm not sure what that would gain. We've gone out as couples numerous times and he's not interested in her. That's putting it mildly.

[BTDT2012]

If I tell her husband, what's to stop him from throwing her out and every obstacle that was between them is removed and now they can be together? It seems better to have her go home to her husband every night instead of mine.

 

To be perfectly honest, I'm not sure what that would gain. We've gone out as couples numerous times and he's not interested in her. That's putting it mildly.

 

Well, if having him come home is the most important thing to you there is nothing left to be said. You are setting yourself up for a life of being cheated on. Never beg a man to stay with you.

[Lilly Pants]

Having him fix the marriage is most important to me but I can't do that when he's not here. If he was going to a hotel after work instead of here then there's no way we can deal with this together.

[BaileyB]

If my husband told me that he was in love with another woman, I would pack his clothes and put them in the car...

 

Unfortunately, he has made this choice for you. I understand that it's six years of your life and you don't want to lose your husband and the father of your children... But, you don't really "have" him right now, do you?

 

Reconciliation can only work if your partner is committed to staying and making it work - with you. And sadly, it doesn't sound like that is the case.

 

I want to be with someone who loves me and wants to raise a family with me. If he was chasing another woman, she would be very welcome to have him...

[Mrs. John Adams]

You don't seem to understand

 

He already left

 

He is there because you begged him to stay... he doesn't want to be there

 

Now if next week he says honey I am sorry I made a terrible mistake I love you can you forgive me... you can say oh yes baby I love you and I want you

 

But he is not giving your that opportunity right now

 

He does not want you ... you said it with your own mouth... he does not want to be there

 

Look I have been married 45 years

I cheated 33 years ago

I wanted to stay... and he wanted me to stay

 

Do you see the difference? He does not want to stay

 

This is not about you this is about him and unfortunately you are not calling the shots

[Lovetoo]

It's sad. We know that the tighter we hold onto something, the more uncomfortable it will get. He will stay and resent you.

 

Hopefully that's not this case. Does the idea of splitting assets etc not matter to him?? Custody? All that?

[basil67]

Having him fix the marriage is most important to me but I can't do that when he's not here. If he was going to a hotel after work instead of here then there's no way we can deal with this together.

 

I'm so sorry you're in this situation.

 

It sounds like the marriage fixing should have been done long before this. Having many ups and downs does not make for an environment conducive to contentment in a partner.

 

What kind of issues were you dealing with? It may be too late to fix them now, but perhaps talking through it will help you on your path to closure.

[somanymistakes]

The only reason he's here right now is because I pleaded with him to stay. If I had told him it was fine and to go, he'd be gone.

 

If you really believe he'd walk away without a second thought if you told him to go... why on earth do you want to be with him? That sounds like you already believe he doesn't care about you in the slightest. And if so, what is worth keeping here?

 

I'm not playing a game of reverse psychology here. He won't either. If he leaves, he's gone. He's not going to realize that he wants to come back. Even if he does it's because it didn't work out with her, not because he stayed for me. We have a marriage here. I believe in it. I'm not a progressive thinker who sees their husband has a girlfriend and steps aside until it's out of his system or just lets him go. That's just not for me at all.

 

You say you believe in it, but what do you believe in, exactly? You don't believe that your marriage stops him from straying, because it obviously didn't. You don't believe that your marriage means he would never leave you, because you think he would be gone without regrets. You don't even seem to believe that your marriage means he loves you, because you say he won't realize that he wants to come back.

 

What, exactly, do you believe?

 

It's true that using the whole reverse-psychology thing can sound like an underhanded trick or treating your husband like a child, so I understand why you might be reluctant to do it. But the people telling you to do that are not telling you to be a 'progressive girlfriend' and accept his affair. They're telling you to fight for yourself rather than lower and weaken yourself.

[Lilly Pants]

I understand he doesn't want to be here he says, but really he doesn't know what he wants.

 

Two months ago he wanted to stay and work things out because he was committed to me and the kids. He didn't want to be a part time father or disappoint me or God or his family or his kids. A month later he says wants out but after me begging says he doesn't want to stay but is convinced to. He's making choices that are forever on impulse. I'm not the type to say whatever you want honey and help him move in with somebody else and take the kids with him half the time. We are at a point where he needs protecting from himself on this.

 

I'm reading about affair fogs and how it clouds your judgment. That's just where he is right now. If he were drunk and wanting to rob a bank, I wouldn't go out and offer to keep the car running. I'd stop him. I'm not looking for feedback on how to get him to go. I know how to send him out to her already. I'm looking for advice on how to move forward. What the next step in discussing this with him is. It has been 3 days and we are basically roommates. We need to talk about it but I don't know how or what the next step is.

[Mrs. John Adams]

He knows what he wants....you don't want to accept that he knows what he wants.

 

He has made no effort. NONE....Why?because he does not want to be there.

 

How do you move forward? What is the next step you need to take?

 

You have absolutely no say. You can screw his brains out...you can beg and plead...you can threaten him...you can do all sorts of things....but sweetheart...you CANNOT make him love you. You simply cannot.