Devastated my husband wants to leave me for somebody else

[stillafool]

I'm not trying to be dismissive. Sorry it's coming off that way, I just can't get past trying to deal with the affair to focus on the other issues. Truthfully they weren't that bad save for one.

 

The money was that we just didn't have enough.We are both spenders and neither one of us are good with money. He'd make big purchases without saying a word to me and I'd do the same thing. It was fine when I had a job that I worked full time but I didn't really pursue advancing in it because I didn't want that job to be my career. I didn't see that being my career I mean. When I got pregnant we were in a rough patch and I was having a hard time so I cut my hours. Then I cut them more after our son was born. Juggling a newborn and work and marriage was too hard for where we were at the time. We ran up a lot of debt on credit cards.

 

My family he just didn't like. He hates my brother and my brother hates him and he doesn't like my mother. My mom is a hard person to get along with though. That's not all him. My mom and I were rocky until I moved out and got married.

 

The trust thing is complicated. When we got married he said he wanted kids and I did too, but we both wanted to wait. A year later I was pregnant, totally unplanned. I freaked out because he was clear he didn't want a baby yet and I didn't either and we were having a down in our marriage. But when I told him he said we'd just make it work. Things got better for the most part. He's a great father and our son is the center of his universe.

 

Then when our son turned 2 she started working with him and she became good friends with some of the guys in my husband's circle, then my husband. She was trying to have a baby with her husband but was having a super hard time. Hearing about that and a bunch of my friends were pregnant or having babies so I had a bit of baby fever. I told my husband I wanted to try for another baby, but he said no. We were having a hard time again because he wanted me to work more but I said we'd go back to never seeing each other and I didn't want that. Money was tight. I really pushed it and he really pushed back. I got frustrated and told him I was tired of being on the pill (it gave me headaches) so I was going off it and if he didn't want another baby it was his job to prevent it. He says he doesn't remember me saying that I was going off of it immediately, just that I wanted to go off of it and would be.

 

He thinks that because I started initiating sex a lot and I never had before (I think the pill killed my drive) and wasn't clear about not being on birth control, I tricked him into getting pregnant. I didn't though, I was clear I was going off of it. Then he said he thought I did the same thing with our first son because a lot of the circumstances were similar (we were in a rough patch, we had talked about a baby and he was no but I was leaning yes, I got pregnant super, super easily) and didn't believe when I said it was an accident. I think he thinks both our sons were something I snuck on him.

 

He was distant the whole pregnancy and didn't really snap back until after our second son was born 11 months ago. The back and forth of me asking him to be into this pregnancy like he was the first was a constant battle through the whole pregnancy. Our relationship took a hit. When our son was born he said he'd made peace with everything but I don't think he did. We almost never had sex after our youngest was born. It became a big deal for me because he used to want it constantly and right up until our son was born we had sex 2-3 times a week, but after we've had sex maybe 5 times. I don't think he trusts me to not get pregnant again.

 

I know that's a complicated issue, but other than that we had basic normal marital ups and downs. He said he worked through it but I guess the more I think about it, he didn't.

 

Why would you get pregnant again if you two couldn't afford it? There are hundreds of forms of birth control besides the pill. It sounds like you were in competition with the OW to prove you were more fertile than she. I can understand your husband being upset and not trusting you.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry this has happened, OP.

 

Unfortunately, you're going to learn the very hard way that forcing him to stay when he doesn't want to be there will be a tragic mistake. Apply all the pressure you want and see what happens. You're not going to like it. Clearly, your approach is already not working. He's not opening up to you and you somehow believe that trying what's not working is going to yield the result you want.

 

Here's what will happen if you continue in this vein: He will eventually get so fed up with you that he will explode and storm out. Where do you think he's going to go? Right into her arms. Don't cling and be desperate. Don't worry about him feeling disconnected from you. It's way too late for that anyway.

 

One person alone simply cannot save a marriage. It's sad and it's not fair. What he did to you is atrocious. But if he truly wants to leave, you simply cannot stop him. What's your plan of action, to lock him in the house? My friend tried your approach when her husband announced he was leaving for his secret girlfriend, too. Let me tell you, the results were disastrous and didn't make a difference in the end. He was already done with the marriage and that was that. Whether she'd done the 180 or forced him to stay at home, he still wanted out.

 

Sometimes people just don't want to remain in the marriage, and it is their prerogative to leave. If that's what he has decided and sincerely doesn't want to be with you, then you will have zero choice in the matter.

[Lilly Pants]

I did finally talk to him yesterday after the kids went to bed. It's the first time we talked about it or really anything since I found out Monday. I made clear I wanted our marriage to work and I didn't think we were past a point of no return. I said he owed it to me and the kids to try and make this work and that the month before the affair when he was focusing on us was great for our marriage. He said he was ashamed he had the affair and hurt me, but he said he just felt like our marriage had run its course. He said he'd said for the last two years he felt that way but I ignored him, but that's simply not true.

 

I laid out that the affair has to end and he can't see her anymore, even at work, and he needs to look for a new job or she does. I said if he could transfer to another location that's near his family, that would be ideal. I said we needed to do counseling. I mentioned that I would tell his boss and his family about his affair if it continued because people need accountability for what's going on. But I said over and over that I love him and I forgive him and if he'd give us a chance, I know we could work through this.

 

He didn't have much to say. He was furious I said I would tell his boss and I expected him or her to quit. He said it wasn't reasonable. He said he never planned on having an affair at all and he's ashamed he did, he was sorry he hurt me, but he wasn't sure he was sorry about the affair at all. He said the month he cut off contact was a wake-up call for him about his priorities and he felt that it wasn't with me because he felt like I'm not a priority for him. I told him that wasn't true and he needed to invest back in with us and his family.

 

He didn't say one way or the other what he planned on doing. He left after our talk and came back at 11. He's still sleeping on the couch. I tried to initiate sex but he stopped it. This morning he left for work early without talking to me and he's not answering texts. It's a very weird time right now.

[stillafool]

Blackmailing him is not going to make him want to stay with you. If you do tell his boss he will lose his job and will not be able to give you financial support with your kids once he's gone. He checked out of your marriage 2 years ago and is in love with another woman. Stop trying to push unwanted sex on him because he will be disgusted and just want her more. If this woman is married and your husband is willing to blow up his marriage, fight you and her husband to have her that should tell you the level of his feelings for her.

[Lilly Pants]

It's not blackmail. It's getting help to keep him accountable. And he hadn't checked out 2 years ago. He said he told me he did but that's not true at all.

 

I asked what her plan was and he said he didn't know. I asked if her husband knew, he said no. He said there's not really a plan, but I don't believe that at all.

[Lilly Pants]

Should I reach out to her too or just pretend she doesn't exist? I know somebody said tell her husband, but what about her?

[Hecan]

I am sorry but you are refusing to listen to anything he tells you. You simply say ' no I didn't ' or ' yes you did' etc.

 

Things are broken and have been. Sorry but I feel sorry for him , not you.

[Lilly Pants]

Why would you get pregnant again if you two couldn't afford it? There are hundreds of forms of birth control besides the pill. It sounds like you were in competition with the OW to prove you were more fertile than she. I can understand your husband being upset and not trusting you.

 

We could afford another baby. He said we couldn't but we could and we do.

 

I'm not in competition with her. Her not getting pregnant at the time isn't even on my radar. I told him I was done with birth control and wanted to get pregnant and if he didn't it was his responsibility to prevent it. I was clear on where I stood in everything. He didn't do anything to prevent it when we were having sex so I assumed he worked through it. I didn't know he didn't know I wasn't in the pill. I told him I wasn't.

[stillafool]

Then when our son turned 2 she started working with him and she became good friends with some of the guys in my husband's circle, then my husband. She was trying to have a baby with her husband but was having a super hard time. Hearing about that and a bunch of my friends were pregnant or having babies so I had a bit of baby fever. I told my husband I wanted to try for another baby, but he said no.

 

So he told you no but you just decided on your own to have it because your friends and this OW were trying. Not good reasons to have a child.

 

 

We were having a hard time again because he wanted me to work more but I said we'd go back to never seeing each other and I didn't want that. Money was tight. I really pushed it and he really pushed back.

 

Here you are saying money was tight, he wanted you to work more but you didn't want to and instead decided to get pregnant. You could have used another form of BC besides the pill. Your husband feels trapped by you.

[alsudduth]

Your husband feels trapped by you.

 

YUP. And that will have him running for the hills in no time. You deserve someone who loves you and WANTS to be with you, OP.

[Lilly Pants]

I got a bit of baby fever. I didn't get pregnant because my friends. I just realized I was ready for another baby.

 

I didn't trap him either. I told him I wanted a baby. I told him I was going off. If he didn't want to have another baby, he could have done something too. It's not my job alone to do the birth control. I was clear and assumed he was fine with getting pregnant again since he didn't prevent it at all. Yes money was tight but not so tight we couldn't do it. By the time the baby came our oldest was out of diapers and I breastfed. We had all the stuff already. It was more a convenient excuse than a real problem.

[alsudduth]

I got a bit of baby fever. I didn't get pregnant because my friends. I just realized I was ready for another baby.

 

I didn't trap him either. I told him I wanted a baby. I told him I was going off. If he didn't want to have another baby, he could have done something too. It's not my job alone to do the birth control. I was clear and assumed he was fine with getting pregnant again since he didn't prevent it at all. Yes money was tight but not so tight we couldn't do it. By the time the baby came our oldest was out of diapers and I breastfed. We had all the stuff already. It was more a convenient excuse than a real problem.

 

You are missing the point. Your husband DIDN'T WANT another child. You assumed he was ok with it because he didn't use another form of BC?? You could have clarified your "assumption" when he didn't use a condom and solved the problem there. No. You got pregnant on purpose. You can lie to yourself all you want.

 

Someone else here said your husband IS telling you he's checked out and done with the marriage, and you just aren't listening. That is completely true. You can't force someone to be with you that doesn't want to be.

 

It's great that you want to fight for your marriage, I will give the same advise that everyone else has- give him what he wants. he will either come around to his senses or he is absolutely 100% done with the marriage and there is nothing that you can do to get him to [happily] stay.

[stillafool]

Something as important as family planning is discussed and agreed upon by both partners. They don't just ASSUME when something as important as a child is involved. Accidents do happen when people are actively trying to use BC but somehow the semen gets through anyway. Maybe you wanted another baby as a way to keep him in the marriage and he was ready to leave you.

[BluesPower]

Listen Lilly Pants, everyone here understands what your are going through. Most have either suffered from infidelity on committed infidelity and have suffered the consequences.

 

We are trying to explain the various steps that you can take to TRY, and the operative word is try, to save your marriage. I have been on both sides of this issue and I want to explain some of the things that are happening with your husband, his affair, the OW, and your marriage.'

 

Some of the things that I will say, you will not want to hear. However, you really need to understand what I and some of the other posters are telling you.

 

1) First of all, you are in shock. You have gone into defense mode and you are playing the pick me dance. You are pulling out all of the stops to make your husband stay. None of this is helpful or attractive. You are giving away your power in the relationship.

 

You have not began to understand the depth of his betrayal to you and your marriage. It will take a while for it to set in, so take a deep breath.

 

2) In order to save your marriage, you have to be willing to lose it. I know that at first glance that does not make any sense, it is, however, true. Cajoling him and guilt-ing him into staying will not work.

 

3) This will be the hard one. Either because of the luminance of the affair, the affair fog, or maybe reality, he feels like he is in love with her. He may or may not be but he thinks that he is. This is often the hardest part for BW's to take.

 

4) They have been having great, uninhibited sex together for a while. She has probably done every single sex act that you have refused over the years. He gets a BJ on request. This is how affairs work. Wild monkey sex, generally unprotected, BTW, so you need to think about that.

 

5) By exposing the affair to everyone, you make it more difficult for the affair to continue. It may seem counter intuitive but exposing the affair to the OW's Husband is about the best move you could make. There is the chance that he will kick her out and make it easier for them to be together, but there is a chance that they will do that anyway.

 

But exposing the affair to her husband you accomplish several things: a) He deserves to know just like you do, b) if she is really not wanting to leave her marriage it makes her life incredibly difficult, and c) She may break it off with your husband and try to fix her marriage.

 

Exposing brings the affair into the light of day. That is the best way to end it.

 

6) Kicking him out of the house or doing the 180 while he is still living there, will at some point show him what he is missing. It will make him start to think more about what he has done. More importantly, it will allow you time to think about this more clearly.

 

7) You need to understand some things about your marriage... When he told you that he "told you 2 years ago that he was not happy" and your response here was, "no he did not".... Wrong answer sweetie...

 

He did tell you he was not happy, in his own way, whatever that is. You are the one that did not hear it, did not understand it, or just ignored it.

 

There are going to be dozens of things that you did not pick up on, you need to understand that and own it.

 

8) Despite any issues in your marriage, you are in no way responsible for his affair. It is 100% on him in every way. You are responsible for 50% of the issues in your marriage though.

 

9) Filing for divorce allows him to see what the temporary orders and some of the financial ramifications of what he is doing will be. This is often a wake up call to the WH and sometimes will stop and make him think.

 

Those are the basics, and right now, you need to get yourself together and start implementing these suggestions.

 

Hang in there...

[Gr8fuln2020]

I got a bit of baby fever. I didn't get pregnant because my friends. I just realized I was ready for another baby.

 

I didn't trap him either. I told him I wanted a baby. I told him I was going off. If he didn't want to have another baby, he could have done something too. It's not my job alone to do the birth control. I was clear and assumed he was fine with getting pregnant again since he didn't prevent it at all. Yes money was tight but not so tight we couldn't do it. By the time the baby came our oldest was out of diapers and I breastfed. We had all the stuff already. It was more a convenient excuse than a real problem.

 

You thought it prudent to have another baby with a man who is thinking about leaving you and with financial complexities in hand?

 

You, unfortunately, remind me of my ex. She adopted children in the middle of a terrible relationship. She thought by adopting cute little that she was not emotionally nor maternally prepared to do, that it would help her with:

 

1. Her own loneliness and low self-esteem, and

2. Getting her ex (before she met me) to feel more like a 'family' so that he would change or come back to her

 

She was essentially using the children as an emotional crutch and a tool to manipulate her ex.

 

This was some time ago and she continues to struggle to be a mother to her two children. An instinct she never had nor ever really wanted. She was a mess in other ways, but I truly hope you know what you are doing.

[AutumnMoon]

I think some people are being very harsh on you but I understand why. You want to fight for your marriage but you are only looking at it from your own side.

 

If he is done he is done and nothing you are going to do is going to force him to stay.

 

My advice would be to suggest individual or couples counselling and ask if he will give the marriage six months. At least that way if counselling doesn't help the marriage you know that you did everything you could and that is fighting for your family.

[cocorico]

the month before the affair when he was focusing on us was great for our marriage.

 

You mean, it was great for *you*. It clearly wasn't great for him, because he said:

 

He said the month he cut off contact was a wake-up call for him about his priorities and he felt that it wasn't with me

 

I think that is your fundamental problem. You assume that because you feel one way, he *must* feel the same, and you ignore him when he tries to tell you otherwise. I can tell you how this ends, because I've watched it. He will leave you. He will get tired of being ignored, minimised and dismissed by you. If he doesn't end up with this OW, he will leave you for the next one. Because he is tired of you forcing your choices onto him.

 

My H's xW did the same - down to forcing parenthood onto him, just as you did to your S2BXH - and while he loves his kids, to this day he still resents his xW for forcing that onto him when they had had an agreement, he had told her clearly where he stood, and she unilaterally chose to disregard that and went ahead. You have no idea how big a deal that is. You think he should just get over it. He hasn't, can't and won't. You destroyed your M right there.

 

He may well love this OW, or he may not. Right now he certainly loves her more than you, and your forcing him to drop her just reinforced that realisation for him. Keeping him away from her won't make you win - it will just make him resent you even more.

 

If he's the primary breadwinner, he may have better means than you of supporting the kids, and may win primary custody once the kids are weaned. Instead of fighting for a dead M, you should be fighting for the one R you still have a chance with - the R with your kids. If you want a favourable custody settlement, get yourself in a position where you can provide your half of their costs decently, instead of "burning quickly" through the meagre savings he's providing you with. Think about your kids - not just about winning. You've already lost that battle.

[rester]

Sorry you are going through this, OP, but please listen to the other posters. Based on many of your posts in this thread I would argue that your husband checked out of your marriage a couple years ago and you have been in denial and still are. You are not seeing things from his side or understanding how he is feeling.

 

 

He said the month he cut off contact was a wake-up call for him about his priorities and he felt that it wasn't with me because he felt like I'm not a priority for him. I told him that wasn't true and he needed to invest back in with us and his family.

 

^^ He is telling you that you are no longer a priority of his. He is trying to tell you how he feels but you are not accepting it.

[Lilly Pants]

Listen Lilly Pants, everyone here understands what your are going through. Most have either suffered from infidelity on committed infidelity and have suffered the consequences.

 

We are trying to explain the various steps that you can take to TRY, and the operative word is try, to save your marriage. I have been on both sides of this issue and I want to explain some of the things that are happening with your husband, his affair, the OW, and your marriage.'

 

1) I think you're right that the depth of what happened hasn't sunk in yet, but he won't talk about it other than very basically. I can't gauge the impact until I know what exactly happened.

 

2) This makes no sense and isn't something the counselor I spoke with today got either. Dishonesty and games got us here so dishonesty and games won't bring us back from it. Total honesty and me not being emotional availability are the two things he said he had a hard time with me in our marriage. This is what I have to give him.

 

3) This I already know and he told me two months ago he loved her. When I said he had to end the friendship he said he thought he loved her and it was wrong. He said he wanted help recommitting to us. He said it would pass and I think it will too. I'm not worried about what he thinks he feels just what he's doing when he thinks he's feeling it.

 

4) Anything she is doing with him isn't something I haven't done with him before. He's got a really high drive and before our last son was born we had sex really frequently, 2-3 or 3-5 times a week. Sex wasn't ever something that was incompatible for us. It really dropped off after our last son was born but not because I wasn't available. And I know for a fact that they only had sex a few times and the physical side started a month ago.

 

5) I'm on the fence about all of this. Telling his boss seems like a safe option, so does his family, but I don't know about her husband. They have a weird relationship. He seems totally uninterested in anything related to her. When we went out as couples, he was awkward and brash. He seemed like he'd want to be anywhere but where he was. I'm not sure he likes me at all.

 

I'm thinking about maybe confronting him about it, but confronting her too. Just I think if he knows and kicks her out, that will speed up whatever my husband is doing.

 

6) Over the last 4 days we are basically roommates. He hasn't changed his mind about wanting to go as best as I can tell. The 180 thing isn't something that would work on him.

 

7) He never once said he was unhappy and my counselor said he's probably rewriting history to justify the affair and leaving. Even in our bad moments he never said anything about wanting to leave or divorcing or being unhappy.

 

8) I take my share of the blame here and I've tried to fix what I can.

 

9) I'm not filing for divorce because that's what he wants. We have no real assets. The sticking point for him is custody. He doesn't want to not be around the kids. That is where headway can be made in bringing him back to reality.

[Lilly Pants]

I'm not worried about the relationship I have with our kids. I think they'd be more upset to know I didn't fight to keep us together and was ok with splitting up their home because I was hoping he'd realize by me not having him around it meant I wanted to stay married.

[BTDT2012]

I'm not worried about the relationship I have with our kids. I think they'd be more upset to know I didn't fight to keep us together and was ok with splitting up their home because I was hoping he'd realize by me not having him around it meant I wanted to stay married.

You are looking at it the wrong way. What you will be telling them is that it is ok to stay with a spouse that abuses you by cheating. For what its worth, my WH only recognized how much I meant to him and what he was losing after he was out of the house at my request. I spent way too much time being understanding and playing the pick me dance.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I'm not worried about the relationship I have with our kids. I think they'd be more upset to know I didn't fight to keep us together and was ok with splitting up their home because I was hoping he'd realize by me not having him around it meant I wanted to stay married.

 

you have completely twisted everything everyone is trying to tell you

 

SO let me try to clarify.....and I want you to understand something...I am not your enemy...I have nothing invested in your relationship and while I am very sorry you are in this situation...at the end of the day...I really don't care what you decide to do. So my advice is given as a person who has lived through infidelity....and you are free to listen to it or ignore it.

 

You do not and have not had a great marriage...by your own definitions and admissions. There are MANY things in this relationship that have screamed...FIX ME....that have been ignored and swept under the rug.

 

And now....your husband is in a relationship with another woman...and has no interest in saving his relationship with you. He has told you so....he is showing you this by his behavior.

 

Reconciliation is accomplished by TWO people....a severed or damaged relationship...can only be repaired if both parties are willing to do the work to fix it. In other words...you cannot repair this relationship by yourself. Now you can keep arguing about this and telling us that you have to fix it all you want....but this is a fact....this is reality. you cannot repair this relationship without the other person agreeing to also repair it and is willing to put in the time and effort to do so.

 

Do you understand this?

 

you cannot tell him what to do...and you cannot make him love you if he does not.

 

I am an advocate of reconciliation....however...both parties have to be willing to reconcile.

 

You want to save your marriage...he has already left it.

 

At this point...all you can do is wait for him to either divorce you....or to come back to you and beg you to take him back. OR you can file for divorce yourself and take charge of your life.

 

Only you know which answer is best for you....

 

But you must accept that you cannot "save" your marriage alone as long as your husband chooses to not be a part of it.

 

You can exist....you can be a good mom to your kids....you can live in limbo...waiting for him...hoping that he will someday change his mind.

 

or you can take charge of your life and move forward without him.

 

Which is best for you? Which is best for your kids?

[BlackCherry]

1) I think you're right that the depth of what happened hasn't sunk in yet, but he won't talk about it other than very basically. I can't gauge the impact until I know what exactly happened.

 

2) This makes no sense and isn't something the counselor I spoke with today got either. Dishonesty and games got us here so dishonesty and games won't bring us back from it. Total honesty and me not being emotional availability are the two things he said he had a hard time with me in our marriage. This is what I have to give him.

 

3) This I already know and he told me two months ago he loved her. When I said he had to end the friendship he said he thought he loved her and it was wrong. He said he wanted help recommitting to us. He said it would pass and I think it will too. I'm not worried about what he thinks he feels just what he's doing when he thinks he's feeling it.

 

4) Anything she is doing with him isn't something I haven't done with him before. He's got a really high drive and before our last son was born we had sex really frequently, 2-3 or 3-5 times a week. Sex wasn't ever something that was incompatible for us. It really dropped off after our last son was born but not because I wasn't available. And I know for a fact that they only had sex a few times and the physical side started a month ago.

 

5) I'm on the fence about all of this. Telling his boss seems like a safe option, so does his family, but I don't know about her husband. They have a weird relationship. He seems totally uninterested in anything related to her. When we went out as couples, he was awkward and brash. He seemed like he'd want to be anywhere but where he was. I'm not sure he likes me at all.

 

I'm thinking about maybe confronting him about it, but confronting her too. Just I think if he knows and kicks her out, that will speed up whatever my husband is doing.

 

6) Over the last 4 days we are basically roommates. He hasn't changed his mind about wanting to go as best as I can tell. The 180 thing isn't something that would work on him.

 

7) He never once said he was unhappy and my counselor said he's probably rewriting history to justify the affair and leaving. Even in our bad moments he never said anything about wanting to leave or divorcing or being unhappy.

 

8) I take my share of the blame here and I've tried to fix what I can.

 

9) I'm not filing for divorce because that's what he wants. We have no real assets. The sticking point for him is custody. He doesn't want to not be around the kids. That is where headway can be made in bringing him back to reality.

 

Re 9): oh please god no. Do NOT even consider using your kids, his feelings for or access to them as weapons to try and force a man who does not want to be with you to stay.

 

This is one of the saddest threads I've seen on LS purely because of your unwillingness or inability to hear what your husband is saying to you. He doesn't want to be with you anymore. No amount of force can make a grown man stay for the long haul. I feel so sorry for you that you'd take a resentful husband remaining in the house who doesn't love you anymore over finding your self respect and loving him enough to part ways.

 

It's not all about you, OP. It's about your husband too. He was wrong to have an affair and I would never justify someone doing that, but if the way you've conducted yourself on this thread is anything like how you conduct yourself in the marriage (being completely tone deaf to anything that doesn't suit you); I'm not surprised that eventually, he has found solace and a way out in another way.

[KimJ1234]

A lot of these comments seem to blaming all of this on you which is very disappointing. He chose to have the affair, he could've left first but he didn't.

 

He's justifying his actions by saying he was sad, unhappy, blah blah blah. If someone is unhappy then leave, don't have an affair. It's not an excuse.

 

It doesn't sound like you tricked him into pregnancy. He knew you weren't on the pill and he decided to still have unprotected sex. So this is not a 'tricked' pregnancy. It takes two to tangle.

 

You need tell the other women's husband and stop acting like a door mat. He has the best of both worlds right now.

 

Wish you all the best. You deserve better.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I'm not worried about the relationship I have with our kids. I think they'd be more upset to know I didn't fight to keep us together and was ok with splitting up their home because I was hoping he'd realize by me not having him around it meant I wanted to stay married.

 

Lily Pants. I don't know how old your kids are or whether you have a daughter, but the message you are sending is that no matter how horribly your partner treats you, you must stay in the relationship. Ugh.

 

I left a relationship with a beautiful, successful woman. I took my kids and left her with her own. It was a mess. Kids didn't get along, manipulation, jealousy, fighting, and betrayal of epic proportions that, to this day, my ex doesn't think it was. It did not take me long to decide to leave. I didn't want my children to continue to see the dysfunction and I simply do not believe in remaining in a relations SIMPLY b/c you have children together. Of course, it was easier for me as we had children from different times in our lives and not together.

 

You may think you are doing a noble thing, but experts and studies also show that leaving your kids in a dysfunctional relationship does damage, perhaps more. The kids need positive role models and necessarily both parents.

 

I don't see things improving with you and your husband. I have this feeling that it will be more painful as you have added to the family w/ no reconciliation in sight. Take care and make sense of this before it becomes more than you or your children can bare.