Dating someone with multiple children, when you don't have any.

[Shanex]

So, since this has been discussed numerous times lately on LS, I had to start a thread about it, it's not random, because I am currently talking to a mother of three, no less, she's turning 40 this year. Just a recap as I'm sure everybody has forgotten about it but I'm done with the FWB/casual relationship I was involved with since the summer. We've run our course, physically and emotionally. We never talked much or at all outside of our dates and this is going nowhere. I'm looking long-term or at least something more meaningful for me and my potential future partner, and girlfriend.

 

It's a challenge, her kids are two teens and a younger one. We've talked on the phone, she has a full time job, her car and house (a house for a single mother of three is a bit of an achievement, I haven't asked yet if she rent or own it, doesn't matter now anyway) and the super pros is she lives right in the next town, 5 minutes a drive. I live rural and for once someone is interested (it's mutual) and is close by.

 

I could anticipate some replies, like ''is she over her ex hubby''. Judging from the convo on the phone it seems so, she only mentioned him once and never talked about him again through texts for the better.

 

I just re-read her OLD profile where we first exchanged last week, and she's looking long-term, a nice encounter and all that. Did I say she was pretty? I wouldn't say 'hot' but pretty. Blue eyes, dyed red hair and a cute face. Looking her age, but I'm only 6 years younger.

 

Now why haven't we met already? she just got out of the hospital for knee surgery and I told her something nice today: ''looking forward to meet you when you get better'' which she appreciated. She's old enough to know what she wants and I'm pretty sure we will meet. A mother of three isn't online to play games, I assume. For a first date I was thinking of a walk, if she can, or a coffee date in my town if she can't yet. Or maybe both. Theaters and restaurants on a first date never appealed me.

 

What are your experiences guys? If there are negative experiences do share too. We haven't met yet, so maybe she won't like me in person but it could be worthy of a discussion.

[Telemachus]

She ought to put her children first. Even if she's ready to date, you should fall much lower on her list of priorities than perhaps she would be on yours. If that turns out to be the case, take it as a good sign. If she cancels a date because of babysitter issues or declines because she needs to help with homework or drive one of her children somewhere, view that as a good thing, not a bad thing.

 

Also take it to be a good sign if she doesn't have you meet her children for a month, or two, or three. A man who isn't going to be around shouldn't enter the children's lives at all. There's no way the two of you can tell in a few dates that it's going to last.

 

Regarding what's in her online profile, her appearance, and her residential living arrangement, those seem like extremely unnecessary and extraneous details for this purpose. Would you expect a different answer if her eyes were brown?

[Shanex]

Regarding your last paragraphs, you're right. I don't care that much for physical appearance and don't have high standards, just pointing out and it's logical that I'm interested physically, but not only.

 

However, the locate is important, because I once dated women wayy too far from me and things didn't work out. The fact she owns or rent a house might be irrelevant too.

 

Thanks, I appreciate your insight. Except for her last one, the other two children are teens and can probably be left home without much accountability. I started the thread a tad too soon, but will keep you updated when I meet her.

[SevenCity]

Since you are 40 and don't have kids, can you handle someone else's?

 

I can't. I recently dated a woman with 3 kids and it's just too much drama - and I never met them. Babysitters, my ex is a jerk, you don't know how hard it is for me to schedule coverage so I can see you. Ack. No thanks.

 

Proximity is good but you are limiting yourself if that is one of her most attractive qualities. As close as she is the kids will severely limit your time and spontaneity.

 

If you want an instant family go for it.

 

Edit - I see she is 40. You are then 34?

[Shanex]

Since you are 40 and don't have kids, can you handle someone else's?

 

I can't. I recently dated a woman with 3 kids and it's just too much drama - and I never met them. Babysitters, my ex is a jerk, you don't know how hard it is for me to schedule coverage so I can see you. Ack. No thanks.

 

Proximity is good but you are limiting yourself if that is one of her most attractive qualities. As close as she is the kids will severely limit your time and spontaneity.

 

If you want an instant family go for it.

 

Edit - I see she is 40. You are then 34?

 

Just turned 33, to be precise we are 6 years and a half apart. But age doesn't really matter. I was once in RL with even older women.

 

It's true that it's unlikely she will introduce me to her children right now. Until things become serious enough, or at least over some months.

 

Her job I should add is also something quite time consuming. Not to mention her kids, she will obviously be very busy and it's more difficult in this case to hang out all the times. She can't left her kids aside for going to see some stupid movie with me. We will see.

[todreaminblue]

you don't say how old the youngest is in my opinion it is easier to date when kids are teens......teens will do theri own thing and parents aren't cool to hang around normally......honestly when kids hit teen years to go to the movies shouldn't require a babysitter normally teens are the baby-sitters...expect dates to be rescheduled sometimes doe to unforeseen circumstances and don't take it personally.....i really respect working single mums the tiredness they face working and looking after kids is tough.....i did in home childcare for a while when my kids were younger....and had to give it up because my time with my kids suffered.....i was tired all the time.....and didnt have the time for them..and i would rather have time than money......i really do admire mums who do both....i couldnt.....

 

don't push the issue of meeting the kids until your friend suggests that you do and when you do meet the children and they have a good relationship with their father be supportive of the relationship...be a positive male role model in the kids lives and someone they feel they can talk to.....kids these days need as many positive mature role models around them as they can get....let the kids warm to you...do not expect them to like you straight away or push them too like you they will probably be wary.....after they decide you arent hannibal lector or some mutant about to explode........just treat their mum with love and respect as well as them and be open and honest with them they will come round...and see what a difference you make in a positive way........relax around them and they will relax around you.......

 

i have spoken mainly about the kids here in your thread....because the mum and kids are a package deal and the kids importance and place ...should be first.....if you are ready and when you are ready for this already made family you will feel this importance anyway....never speak bad of the dad in front of the kids ...he has a responsibility to them if he is a decent person.... and hopefully the dad fulfills his part.......with having teen kids...the dads financial obligations only last until the child turns eighteen(in Oz)..so frequent contact between parents may decrease after that time is gone....or it may not...either way.....your position in the family will be unique.....and no less important.....

 

.......i wish you well....deb

[Shanex]

The youngest fellow is 8 year old. Thanks Deb, I appreciate the advice from ladies too of course.

[JuneL]

 

It's a challenge, her kids are two teens and a younger one.

 

 

Do you have experience with small kids (e.g., nieces/nephews or students of very young age)? If not, I'd limit myself to mothers of teenage kids only. It's a really different mindset to interact with kids of younger age.

 

 

Did I say she was pretty? I wouldn't say 'hot' but pretty. Blue eyes, dyed red hair and a cute face.

 

 

Serious question: what does it mean for a 40-year-old woman (a mother of 3 no less) to have "a cute face"? My apologies if this is a silly question. I'm not a native English speaker, and I was wondering if this is just a polite word to say that her looks are just so-so

[Shanex]

Do you have experience with small kids (e.g., nieces/nephews or students of very young age)? If not, I'd limit myself to mothers of teenage kids only. It's a really different mindset to interact with kids of younger age.

 

 

 

Serious question: what does it mean for a 40-year-old woman (a mother of 3 no less) to have "a cute face"? My apologies if this is a silly question. I'm not a native English speaker, and I was wondering if this is just a polite word to say that her looks are just so-so

 

No problem. And this is the second time I'm told I shouldn't have written she was pretty and all that. This wasn't needed let's forget about it.

 

I have little cousins indeed and tend to get along with children. Now experience would be a bit pretentious as I never raised children on my own. But don't have a bad vibes with them. Teens are different than children so her youngest who's 8 yo.. but overall I don't hate children at all, they have a positive attitude and energy to them so to speak which I like.

 

It's true as someone pointed out above that I'm having a new family if this should work. We're not there yet.

[todreaminblue]

The youngest fellow is 8 year old. Thanks Deb, I appreciate the advice from ladies too of course.

 

eight years does require a baby sitter......but if the older children are responsible and up for a little pocket money ...baby sitting shouldnt be a problem......

[Miss Spider]

I've tried dating a single dad and it's great in theory to me (I love kids and I wouldn't have to have any of my own ), it didn't work out and I'm not sure it could work out for me. They're just in a different place than me. A different stage of life, with bigger priorities? Yeah.

[Els]

I wouldn't. Well, I mean, never say never, but I really doubt that seriously dating a man with kids is something I'd ever do. It might sound selfish, but if I'm going to have to deal with all the sacrifices, problems, and constraints that having children entails, they need to be mine.

 

That being said, lots of people do, and it turns out fine. So if you feel she might be a good match, and you don't mind her having kids, why not? I wouldn't automatically assume that a mother of 3 wouldn't "play games", though. I think the likelihood of that depends on the individual, not on their parental status.