On the "Whys" of the Affair

[Redhead14]

I guess I'm looking for some education here...

 

Getting into IC to find out why the WS had the A is always said to be a necessity. I'm asking, why?

 

My pov has always been, they did it bc they wanted to, it's just that simple.

 

But obviously there's more to it, bc many ppl that know much more than me about this say so. So, whether it's bc mom cheated on dad when you were little, or dad abandoned the family when you were 3, or there was sexual abuse, whatever the reason....how exactly does finding out why stop the WS from doing it again?

 

I just don't see how finding out the why of it will stop the WS from doing it again.

 

That in itself won't stop them from doing it again. However, understanding and reflecting and addressing the "whys" will if the WS and their spouse will work together to address those whys effectively and willingly. It would be the weakness of character in the WS that would cause me to doubt their ability to commit to addressing and working through it all. Once that weakness shows it's ugly head, I'd question whether the relationship is worth saving. I'd also be wondering what else that person hid, did and I am sure we would uncover some other ugly truths that would need to be addressed.

 

Recovering from affairs is like cleaning closets . . . as you start pulling things out, you have a bigger mess to deal with for a while. But once you start focusing and throwing out/identifying junk, and start to rearrange and reconstruct it, the job gets done and the closet is back in order. It's work and both parties need to participate fully and with commitment.

 

A couple cannot even start to recover from an affair without dealing with the "junk". While there is no excuse for cheating, the reality is that both parties usually share responsibility for why it happened. They need to own their roles and that can't happen until it's all on the table.

[GoldenR]

To OP, GoldenR and all other posters on this thread, who wrote "asking the WHY doesn't matter", please read the highlights of the initial thread written by OP:

 

 

 

The question you really need to ask and reflect on is "WHY" you chose that many partners with such a consistent pattern of cheating and WHY you chose to stay with them repeatedly even after knowing about their cheating history.

 

I am not saying this to criticize you--I'm saying this with the hope that you realize you can only control your own actions, not the cheaters; but there's something about yourself you need to examine in your IC to understand why you repeatedly chose to be with such dysfunctional and deceptive partners.

 

And for all the posters here who have said "no point in asking the WHYs",

imagine the OP had asked the WHY years ago...

 

Oh Lord....the only one I tried over and over and over with was in high school bc I was young and dumb and she was a hot cheerleader.

 

I did give two others a second chance: a fiancee who I half assed the reconciliation attempt with, and my XW in the hopes that she'd snap out of whatever the F had happened to her.

 

The others were all "good girls", until they weren't.

 

And I could give a rats ass at this point as to why any of them cheated on me. Like I said, there has been quite a few threads lately where ppl cheated or were cheated on and are desperate to save the relationship, and over and over again I see ppl advising them to get into IC to figure out why you allowed yourself to do this.

 

There's nothing more to my post than that.

[Popsicle]

The "whys" don't matter. What matters is that you acknowledge that it was wrong and MOVE FORWARD. Dwelling on the why's keeps you from moving forward.

[central]

My pov has always been, they did it bc they wanted to, it's just that simple.

...

I just don't see how finding out the why of it will stop the WS from doing it again.

 

Yes, they did it because they wanted to, because it made them feel good at least temporarily.

 

 

Sometimes the BS has something to do with it. No, they didn't make the WS do it, but they may have made it a lot easier for them to feel a need to get whatever it was they needed, elsewhere.

 

 

If you neglected your spouse, mistreated them, denied them sex, criticized them constantly, then you made it easier for them. You weren't doing your job as a loving spouse, so they risked getting validation or whatever they needed from someone else. If they asked you for these things and were rebuffed, then you bear even more responsibility for making the choice easier, wrong though it is.