Averagejoe87 Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 We have been together for 7 years married 5. She is 27 and I am 29. Married life has always been okay never great. For the last 2 1/2 years we have been foster parents. Our marriage has suffered because of it. We are very rarely intimate now, no touching at all. Feels like our connection is just gone. I have tried talking with my wife numerous times about how I think we should stop foster kids and live our life. She is unable to have children so I believe that she's so focused on having children in our house, even if they are not 'ours' that any effects that has does not matter. The last 3 months I have felt very down and depressed. I work at a bar Friday and Saturday nights as a bouncer and I started noticing that it made me feel good again when girls would talk to me and flirt with me. Made the decision to set up a date. Met up with a lady and had a couple drinks together, now she wants a second date and so do I. I know it's wrong, but I also know that my marriage is not healthy for me and my wife. Hopefully this all makes sense. Just looking for suggestions on what I should our shouldn't do. Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 Averagejoe87, STOP right there. STOP making dates with women who you are not married to. START actually talking to your wife about how you feel about what's going on in your marriage. Who's idea was it to become foster parents? Now that's a whole pile of work. Having dates in a bar with hotties isn't the answer - communication is. Good luck. x 3 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 Dating women while you're still married is just adding problems to your existing ones. This will make things worse when the drama-bomb strikes. You'll hurt your wife, you'll hurt the other lady, you'll hurt yourself, and you may hurt the kids in the house. Maybe you don't love them (you don't seem to be too psyched about fostering) but knowing the problems they have surely you don't want to make things worse for them? You've talked to your wife about how you want to stop fostering. Have you talked to her about the other marriage problems? Have you told her that you feel like the connection between you two is dying, and that you HAVE to do something to improve your situation? I'm not anti-divorce but I do think everyone in the marriage should have a fair chance to know what's going on and get their opinion in on what to do before a big step is taken. If you feel worn-down and unloved to the point that you need to get out, TELL HER first. Make it very clear that you're serious, that this isn't just a "I wish you would change" but a "We have to change or I'm leaving". Once everything is out in the open, then you can make plans for how to progress. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 You're willing to just up and cheat on your wife or divorce her without at least going to marriage counseling? To throw away everything all because things are hard right now and you two have hit some low times in your marriage? COMMUNICATE with her. Woo your wife again! Go on dates and put effort into reconnecting with her instead of looking elsewhere. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 What is it about having foster kids which has made your marriage suffer? Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted March 24, 2017 Share Posted March 24, 2017 You have a choice: fight for your marriage, win or lose or take a rather poor choice of adultery. Choose. Personally I have no patience for individuals who choose adultery. Yes you have valid issues with your wife. Yes, her inability to have children is warping her. But adultery is adultery and issues are issues. They are two different things. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted March 24, 2017 Share Posted March 24, 2017 You are looking for validation of having an affair. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LostHubby2015 Posted March 30, 2017 Share Posted March 30, 2017 Averagejoe87, when i first read your post i didn't want to touch it with a 10ft pole, but for some dumb reason here i am. first, i'm wondering if as you're reading the responses that everyone else is putting up you're just becoming more turned-off and upset with what they are saying. If so, then that right there shows that you really don't care. Hopefully, i am wrong. But if you are becoming upset and defensive odds are you shouldn't have gotten married in the first place and didn't really love your wife like you thought. Not saying you didn't care for her deeply, but not to the extent that should have resulted in a marriage. second, assuming i am wrong in my first statement you have to realize that although physical contact is the most obvious signs of intimacy it's not the only form. honestly, opening up and having a really in depth conversation and being vulnerable is intimacy too. if you're like most guys, myself included prior to a few months ago, i struggled with accepting this. But if you ever seen a movie, i think it was in American Pie 2 or even Men In Black 3, where the characters said they stayed up all night talking to the sunrise, that too is intimacy. Because at some point a conversation that long is destine to touch on personal subjects. three, somanymistakes hit it on the head. all you're doing is making problem worse for yourself. Let's say that you figure stuff out and realize you want to stay with your wife. Do you really think you'll be able to hide that from her forever? For that matter, would you want to and live in the constant fear of "i hope i never see that girl again"? What you described, to me, sounds like you're just wanting someone to tell you it's ok that you ditch your wife because you're not happy. I don't have kids myself, but i'm sure the decision to foster wasn't your wife coming home and saying "hey, guess what i signed us up for!" Own up to it and more over if your wife can't have kids of her own, then yes. What she is doing very well may be to fill that void. But maybe if you put a little effort into that perhaps you may see the joy it is to have kids. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted March 31, 2017 Share Posted March 31, 2017 I think with your lack of any intimacy, you ARE communicating right now. In successful marriages, there is a dynamic of bid/acceptance. You say "Hey honey, take a look at those deer out in the backyard." She doesn't give a damn about the deer, but she's more than willing to engage in a discussion with you, because you bid and she accepted. She asks you to come look at the dust ruffle and help her decide where it should go. You could care less, but you help, because it makes her happy. Even better is when you are both interested. These bids happen dozens of times a week, and the more acceptance to bids that exists, the better the prospects for a happy and fruitful marriage. When bids are ignored or rejected over a prolonged period of time, the bids stop coming. That's the death knell of a happy marriage. At that point, you're just coasting on the momentum of what was once a marriage. Have you stopped bidding? Has she? The real discussion you need to have is why. Is it because she can't have kids? Is it because you can't stand having foster kids around? Both? What's the resolution? Is everybody enthusiastic? Even your request for a discussion is a bid. If she rejects that, then at least do what you've got to do the right way. Tell her you need to plan your divorce so that there's not too much hurt to spread around. That's a bid too. It might be the last thing you do together, or it may be the first thing that you start avoiding together. Sounds like that's where you are. Link to post Share on other sites
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