Sexless Marriage

[Mr. Lucky]

My sense is that you both love each other and are both committed to and invested in your marriage and family.

 

You might describe how she feels about him in many ways - she may need him, be dependent on him, enjoy his company, etc.

 

But what she's doing to him isn't love...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Soxfaninfl]

Listen for a minute...

 

I love OldShirt and all of the things he says. But in this case I kind of disagree with some if this.

 

I have never had an open relationship, for real but I did cheat a lot for a time.

 

Now that I am divorcing I am back out there and life is good like you cannot imagine.

 

I guess I am in an or several open relationships now. My main GF knows that I have other women that is see. I date other women when I am not with her. She is my main relationship so I am not sure what I am except happy.

 

You on the other hand, need a completely new mind set. If she is in menopause or just does not like sex with you, dude you have to just get out.

 

I mean, good grief, you are in your 40's and your not getting laid, how do you live like that?

 

Let me tell you what the other side is like. I had a sound job last weekend in a City about 4 hours away. I don't do sound for anyone anymore, they can't afford me and I hate doing it. But this guy is my oldest friend so he gets a pass.

 

So in a nut shell, me and said GF screwed from Friday night, all night, all day, except when working and eating, through Sunday morning. It was basically a sex fest form start to finish. I actually have no idea how many times we had sex, maybe 20 who knows.

 

I had a gig Sunday afternoon when I got back, so I left her at her house. I played that afternoon and some of my regulars were sniffing around and wanted me to come over. I just kissed them and said maybe later this week. I could not have had sex again if I tried.

 

That is what like can be like when you get out of this crap that you call a marriage.

 

But the way, I am 52 and still going strong.

 

Why in the world would you want to say in your marriage. And please don't say because you love her. I love lots of women or at least like a bunch.

 

Please do not do this to yourself, GET OUT...

 

BluesPower, I agree. I am only 41 years old, and I've been patient long enough hoping this situation would change. I have very little doubt that it's going to change no matter how much counseling is involved because she needs her antidepressants.

 

I had a girlfriend 6 years ago that liked to have sex three times a day, and it was mind blowing. At this point I don't want to cheat on my wife. I would rather divorce. My wife's best friend even said I've been patient enough (while she was giving me a pedicure).

 

Her friend knew that we were in a dry spell because of my wife, but she didn't realize it had been once in 21 months and counting. She said you both need to go to counseling, and I agreed since our financial situation was improving.

 

At this point I can't wait any longer. I need to have sex with a woman, and it's not going to be with my wife any time soon.

 

My son is going to be out of school in a couple of months, so I'm going to wait to move him to an apartment.

[Soxfaninfl]

There are some deep-seated issues at the root of your marriage. The depression, weight gain, and loss of libido are simply symptoms of those. Get at the root of those issues, and the symptoms will get resolved in the process.

 

My sense is that your wife is aware this is a very serious problem, but she feels helpless to solve it on her own. As do you. This isn't something you can fix on an internet board. You both need to invest in marital counseling to get at your core issues. I don't see either of you being able to do this without outside (professional) help.

 

I'm not trying trying to give you a hard time, but if you have been able to dress well and take care of yourself despite your financial challenges, then it's really about priorities if you pick that and a gym membership over professional counseling and trying to save your marriage.

 

I realize that I'm in the minority in the chorus of divorce her, but I think there is still a chance to fix this. My sense is that you both love each other and are both committed to and invested in your marriage and family.

 

Angeleyes, at this point I don't think I have it in me to go any longer with out physical intimacy.

 

My wife told me that there will be times in her life when she will need to be on antidepressants. I can't handle another drought like this again. I'm barely holding it together. I feel angry all the time or I'm in a crappy mood because of the lack of sex in my life. I want to scream and tell people on the street that I am in a sexless marriage. It's always on my mind.

 

All my clothes were purchased before our financial troubles started. I canceled my gym membership almost a year ago due to our financial situation. I was considering restarting my membership next month. We are in a better shape now to go to counseling, but I don't think I can wait much longer to have sex.

 

I would hire a high priced escort to take care of me, but I won't cheat on my wife, and I won't do that until I'm divorced. Something I have never done in my life or never need to, but I'm so f@#$ing desperate now to have sex. I never went this long in my first marriage without sex. The longest was 2 weeks in 12 years. Even when things were bad we still had sex in my first marriage.

 

I still love my wife very much, and my wife loves me very much. She is the love of my life, and I don't want to leave her. I just don't think I can wait any longer to have sex. I plan to make an appointment next week to see a counselor together, but I have very little hope or patience at this point.

[Soxfaninfl]

You might describe how she feels about him in many ways - she may need him, be dependent on him, enjoy his company, etc.

 

But what she's doing to him isn't love...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I agree Mr. Lucky. Someone who really loved someone would find ways to compensate in this situation. At this point, I would take a hand job, blow job or a titty **** just anything, but I can't even get that.

 

All I'm asking is sex once a week, but I can't even get that. She can't even spread her legs and let me make love to her for 10 minutes a week? Heck I'm even willing to settle for 10 minutes a month. I apologize ladies if I am crass, but I'm just so frustrated at this point!

[Soxfaninfl]

You need to understand that porn/spanking is a big contributing factor to where you are right now.

 

You are substituting an active, healthy sexlife for spanking to Youporn. When you spank to porn, your hormones and your brain think that you are sexually satisfied and so you stop trying to pursue the real thing and you sit on the couch relaxed and content and doing nothing, while your wife eats more Doritos and puts on more weight and gets more depressed about it.

 

When you are relaxed and content, you stop striving for better and you are ok to just sit there until the next urge to pull up some Brazilian orgy porn comes up again.

 

When you are all released and content, you are happy to just sit and accept your fate and you are ok with settling for a nonexistent sex life with a fat, frigid, underemployed, Debbie Downer that doesn't want to be with you sexually.

 

Porn and spanking are your substitute for a real sex life with a real woman that actually wants to get down with you.

 

If you give up the porn/spanking, that tension and pressure is going to rise and it is going to motivate you to get out and do something about it.

 

That "something" is either going to be to turn up the pressure on your wife which will motivate her to get off her behind and do something about her marriage and relationship, or it will motivate you to leave her alongside the road with her pills and her Double Stuff Oreos in search of someone that is healthy and vigorous and still has some libido and zest for life left.

 

You need to understand and realize that the porn/spanking actually IS a big part of your problem and your dynamic here.

 

Stop the porn/spanking and let your balls fill back up and turn you back into a hunter and a warrior again.

 

I'm sorry OldShirt, but I disagree. I have a high sex drive, and masturbating everyday is what is keeping me from losing my mind.

[oldshirt]

I'm sorry OldShirt, but I disagree. I have a high sex drive, and masturbating everyday is what is keeping me from losing my mind.

 

..... And I'm saying go ahead and lose your mind.

 

Don't do anything illegal, immoral or harmful of course. But let the tension build until it motivates you to break the status quo.

 

Sex drive is a great motivator. Let it build and it will motivate you to do something about your plight.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm sorry OldShirt, but I disagree. I have a high sex drive

 

My current wife and I have had sex once in 21 months.

 

Just pointing out the irony in the overlap between these two quotes.

 

Soxfaninfl, Year 1 is on her, everyone should make a good faith effort to live up to their vows and honor their commitments.

 

But anything beyond that time, when the writing is plainly writ on the wall - that's on you. Glad to hear you're finally getting to the point where you're motivated to do something ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Soxfaninfl]

Just pointing out the irony in the overlap between these two quotes.

 

Soxfaninfl, Year 1 is on her, everyone should make a good faith effort to live up to their vows and honor their commitments.

 

But anything beyond that time, when the writing is plainly writ on the wall - that's on you. Glad to hear you're finally getting to the point where you're motivated to do something ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Thanks Mr. Lucky. I've made an appointment with a counselor for the 12 of April. I'll post updates how counseling is going.

[Mr. Lucky]

Good to hear. Is the counseling for you, her or joint?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Soxfaninfl]

Good to hear. Is the counseling for you, her or joint?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

The counseling is joint. I've already seen the counselor on my own and brought her up to speed on our issues.

[mea_M]

The weight gain and the loss of sex drive may be from menopause and not entirely the meds. Maybe an Hormone replacement is in order.

 

This is very true.

[Soxfaninfl]

I had a talk with the wife, and she taking Lexapro. She's tried Wellbutrin, so that is not a option. I suggested a tesoterone cream, but she she that was out of the question since she's going through menopause.

 

She said her depression is situational. Well her situation isn't gong to change any time soon. At this point I feel counseling is hopeless to even start it as a couple. I need to start preparing myself for a second divorce.

 

I like sex, and I want it 2 to 3 times a week minimum. I feel I will never have this with my wife. I feel I'll have better chances with a younger women.

Edited April 8, 2017 by Soxfaninfl

[oldshirt]

I had a talk with the wife, and she taking Lexapro. She's tried Wellbutrin, so that is not a option. I suggested a tesoterone cream, but she she that was out of the question since she's going through menopause.

 

She said her depression is situational. Well her situation isn't gong to change any time soon. At this point I feel counseling is hopeless to even start it as a couple. I need to start preparing myself for a second divorce.

 

I like sex, and I want it 2 to 3 times a week minimum. I feel I will never have this with my wife. I feel I'll have better chances with a younger women.

 

Back when Ann Landers was alive and writing her advice column in the newspaper, people would always ask her if they should leave their marriage. Her answer was always a very simple question - "will you be better off with him/her or without him/her?"

 

 

There are no guarantees that you will get a younger woman with high sex drive if you divorce.

 

But you ARE guaranteed living like you currently are if you stay.

 

If you divorce, at least you can wake up each morning and know that today might be the day you meet someone that you can be compatible with.

 

The question you need to answer for yourself is will you be better off staying in your current situation knowing that you will forever live in quiet desperation and chronic dissatisfaction frustration but knowing what each day will have in store for you?

 

Or will you be better off on your own with the hopes that at some point you may meet someone more compatible and better, but knowing there aren't any actual guarantees of that?

 

If your life will better rolling the dice and at least having the possibility of finding someone better, then go for it.

[HereNorThere]

I had a talk with the wife, and she taking Lexapro. She's tried Wellbutrin, so that is not a option. I suggested a tesoterone cream, but she she that was out of the question since she's going through menopause.

 

She said her depression is situational. Well her situation isn't gong to change any time soon. At this point I feel counseling is hopeless to even start it as a couple. I need to start preparing myself for a second divorce.

 

I like sex, and I want it 2 to 3 times a week minimum. I feel I will never have this with my wife. I feel I'll have better chances with a younger women.

 

You do know that a low libido is a major side effect of lexapro and similar SSRI and SNRI drugs, right? Did her doctor warn her about this? Has he offered alternatives? From a medical standpoint, Wellbutrin would be less likely to effect her drive.

 

It sounds like she really needs to talk to the doctor before you make any decisions. There may be a medication to help offset some of that. Sometimes SSRIs are given with dopamine agonist or other atypical antidepressants to combat low libido and lethargy. Doctors call this "augmentation" of the SSRI and it's fairly common.

Edited April 15, 2017 by HereNorThere

[Soxfaninfl]

Back when Ann Landers was alive and writing her advice column in the newspaper, people would always ask her if they should leave their marriage. Her answer was always a very simple question - "will you be better off with him/her or without him/her?"

 

 

There are no guarantees that you will get a younger woman with high sex drive if you divorce.

 

But you ARE guaranteed living like you currently are if you stay.

 

If you divorce, at least you can wake up each morning and know that today might be the day you meet someone that you can be compatible with.

 

The question you need to answer for yourself is will you be better off staying in your current situation knowing that you will forever live in quiet desperation and chronic dissatisfaction frustration but knowing what each day will have in store for you?

 

Or will you be better off on your own with the hopes that at some point you may meet someone more compatible and better, but knowing there aren't any actual guarantees of that?

 

If your life will better rolling the dice and at least having the possibility of finding someone better, then go for it.

 

oldshirt, of course I'm afraid of being alone. That is why I'm hesitant to leave, but I'm miserable.

 

I want to make love to a women so bad. I want to know what that feels like again. I crave it like person trying to quite smoking. She asked me if I wanted to have sex with other people (I would prefer a monogamous relationship), but then said that it would probably be the end of the marriage. At this point I would try anything. I've asked her to do other things, but she's refused (Hand job or have sex with her breasts). She says she knows she is a failure at being a wife when it comes to the bedroom, but refuses to do anything else. I feel there is no solution here at this point.

 

My situation isn't going to change anytime soon if I stay. She's back on the antidepressants. She had a melt down when she was off of them and felt suicidal. She obviously needs to be on them for the long haul. I'm not going to ask her to stop taking them as she needs them. She said her depression is situational which I don't agree (She also has issues from her child hood that she affect her from time to time).

 

She also resents my son for some statements he made to her, and she hasn't or won't get over it anytime soon. I asked her to go to counseling with my son, but she refused. My son's biological mother and grand mother were saying not nice things about my wife for months, and son began to believe them. My son told her these things and told her he didn't love her. I know that he is also the victim here. He was manipulated by his mother and grandmother. He is 13 years old. I took him to a counselor, and the counselor determined that he does love his step mother. He may not love her as much as his biological mother and father, but he does love her.

 

My wife doesn't believe the counselors determination and says he's a liar and a manipulator which most 13 year old boys are. Overall he's a good kid and gets A's and B's in school. She says she will put up with him being around every other week for the next four years when he goes off to college.

 

I want my son to always know he has a place to come home to where ever I am living.

 

Another thing that bothers me about my wife is she doesn't like her picture taken. I knew this when I married her, but it bothers me more and more. I want to have memories of the person I'm with. She also, doesn't like to go out very much on the weekends anymore. There is always something to be done around the house. I like to get out on the weekends after a long weekend of work and do fun things.

 

I also like to be around family and friends, and she prefers that it's just us all the time.

 

I am going to be worse off financially. My credit is shot because I had to file bankruptcy because she resigned from her job 3 months after the wedding instead of finding a different job before resigning. I'm not going to have much furniture either. I came with just clothes and two flat screens. I got rid of all my stuff, so I'm going to have to replace most of everything that I got rid of. That's going be thousands of dollars and we have barely any savings(500 dollars) since we finished with the bankruptcy.

 

In the begining it's going to be hard, but I feel that I need to take that risk. Do I still lover her, of course. That is why it's going to be very hard to leave someone I love.

Edited April 19, 2017 by Soxfaninfl

[Soxfaninfl]

You do know that a low libido is a major side effect of lexapro and similar SSRI and SNRI drugs, right? Did her doctor warn her about this? Has he offered alternatives? From a medical standpoint, Wellbutrin would be less likely to effect her drive.

 

It sounds like she really needs to talk to the doctor before you make any decisions. There may be a medication to help offset some of that. Sometimes SSRIs are given with dopamine agonist or other atypical antidepressants to combat low libido and lethargy. Doctors call this "augmentation" of the SSRI and it's fairly common.

 

Yes, she knew the side effects of antidepressants. She's tried them all, and Lexapro seems to work the best. I suggested Wellbutrin, and she said she tried Wellbutrin, but it wasn't as effective. She had to take antidepressants in parts of her life before I met her.

 

She has to be on antidepressants long term. I suggested a testosterone cream, but she refused that also because she's going through menopause. She's 47 years old. She's never had kids. There is no solution for my situation.

[Overtaxed]

Yes, she knew the side effects of antidepressants. She's tried them all, and Lexapro seems to work the best. I suggested Wellbutrin, and she said she tried Wellbutrin, but it wasn't as effective. She had to take antidepressants in parts of her life before I met her.

 

She has to be on antidepressants long term. I suggested a testosterone cream, but she refused that also because she's going through menopause. She's 47 years old. She's never had kids. There is no solution for my situation.

 

Why does menopause have anything to do with test cream? I thought women used it MORE in menopause to keep their sex drive up, keep their muscle tone, etc?

 

Either way, I wouldn't let this drop so easily, testosterone is a magic bullet for a lot of women (and men) who experience low sex drive. It's a massive libido enhancer, and it would be my go to choice in this case (I'm NOT a doctor, btw) because of the ADs that she's taking. It effects the mental and physical sides of sex, increases desire and increases "ability" (helps men get hard, helps women get to an O).

 

I would really question the "why" behind no test in menopause, perhaps there's a good reason that I don't know (I'm not a woman, and I'm not a doctor), but I've never heard of it being contradicted, in fact, I thought that's when a lot of women started to take it (most of the women I know on it are 40+).

[VeveCakes]

The fact that she won't sleep with you AND tries to prevent you from masterbating shows this is WAY more than antidepressants. This is control and lack of interest in sex period.

 

FYI I think older women (30+) are the best bet for high sex drive.

[Hecan]

OT. I think you are correct. I think some fear ( and in many cases) rightfully so that it causes cancer. My Dr. Is very in to natural methods but he absolutely says let's do saliva tests and fix any issues like this. However, unhealthy women or women who smoke or women who have had breast cancer are at a higher risk. Therefore, he says trying natural methods is first priority but in thus day and age why wouldn't you want to fix it?? He even said if my husband has issues that he would do the same for him ( he is an ob/gyn) but says there is no reason not to address if needed. The question in this case is more a willingness to do what it takes ...

 

So OP, what is your wife willing to do for something that is so important to you?? BTW, I believe sex, especially for men, is a need.not just a want.

[Overtaxed]

OT. I think you are correct. I think some fear ( and in many cases) rightfully so that it causes cancer. My Dr. Is very in to natural methods but he absolutely says let's do saliva tests and fix any issues like this. However, unhealthy women or women who smoke or women who have had breast cancer are at a higher risk. Therefore, he says trying natural methods is first priority but in thus day and age why wouldn't you want to fix it?? He even said if my husband has issues that he would do the same for him ( he is an ob/gyn) but says there is no reason not to address if needed. The question in this case is more a willingness to do what it takes ...

 

So OP, what is your wife willing to do for something that is so important to you?? BTW, I believe sex, especially for men, is a need.not just a want.

 

It's a legitimate, but certainly not proven, fear. There's actually research that shows low T causes more prostate cancer (or, more correctly, is a better predictor of it) than high T. But, IMHO, it makes sense that test could exacerbate (not cause, again, IMHO) cancer. It makes stuff grow. Stands to reason it would also make tumors grow.

 

I've been on TRT for a long time. I used a ton of steroids when I was younger and burned out my natural production (common side effect). I'm willing to live with the risk because of how much it improves my life. IMHO, most men by age 40 would feel the same way if they tried it. I've never given it to my W, but I probably would if she was really interested, it would be a fantastic week in bed, that's for sure.

 

Seriously, to loosely quote Star Wars (I'm a total geek), "You can't imagine the power of testosterone". It's an absolutely amazing chemical, the effects on the mind, body, sex drive, fat distribution, outlook on life. It's just amazing. It's also hard as he** to get it, I have to go to a "special" doctor for it because most docs will only write for the cream. The cream is garbage, it's crazy expensive and it converts to estrogen like crazy. If you're going to take it, get used to needles. IMHO, it's totally worth it. The only side effect that I have is hair loss, for which I take Propecia and Rogaine to combat (and has been working for the past few years).

 

Sorry, way OT. I would, however, suggest to the OP that he consider talking to his wife about it. It's easier for women to get T than men; so she might have good luck at the family Dr getting a patch or cream (the cream works fine for women, they are estrogen dominant anyway and have a lot less androgen reductase than men).

[Spring23]

Yes, she knew the side effects of antidepressants. She's tried them all, and Lexapro seems to work the best. I suggested Wellbutrin, and she said she tried Wellbutrin, but it wasn't as effective. She had to take antidepressants in parts of her life before I met her.

 

She has to be on antidepressants long term. I suggested a testosterone cream, but she refused that also because she's going through menopause. She's 47 years old. She's never had kids. There is no solution for my situation.

 

47 is really young to be going thru menopause. I don't think it happens until you're in your 50's.

 

In any case, if she needs to be on meds then she must or she won't be able to function.

[Soxfaninfl]

47 is really young to be going thru menopause. I don't think it happens until you're in your 50's.

 

In any case, if she needs to be on meds then she must or she won't be able to function.

 

She never had children. That is why she started early. You are correct. She needs to be on them. I feel awful that I have to leave. I just can't standing being in a sexless marriage anymore.

[Spring23]

She never had children. That is why she started early. You are correct. She needs to be on them. I feel awful that I have to leave. I just can't standing being in a sexless marriage anymore.

 

Well...then leave. You only have one life.

[MidwestUSA]

47 is really young to be going thru menopause. I don't think it happens until you're in your 50's.

 

In any case, if she needs to be on meds then she must or she won't be able to function.

 

47 is not at all young for menopause. Menopause isn't a one or two year thing, more like five or six. I started at 45ish. It's called peri menopause.

 

But, rather than think of testosterone supplements, why not check into female hormone therapy? I know not everyone feels safe about it, but I was on the lowest possible dose estrogen patch, and whoa. It made all the difference. Sex drive thru the roof, along with the elimination of those night sweats, among other lovely things.

 

Sox, has she checked into this? Unless she's carrying the breast cancer gene, it's low risk, as long as it's the minimum dose necessary to get the job done. Certainly safer than T.

 

And I'm not sure if you meant not having children put her into menopause early. As far as I know, there's no correlation.

[Soxfaninfl]

47 is not at all young for menopause. Menopause isn't a one or two year thing, more like five or six. I started at 45ish. It's called peri menopause.

 

But, rather than think of testosterone supplements, why not check into female hormone therapy? I know not everyone feels safe about it, but I was on the lowest possible dose estrogen patch, and whoa. It made all the difference. Sex drive thru the roof, along with the elimination of those night sweats, among other lovely things.

 

Sox, has she checked into this? Unless she's carrying the breast cancer gene, it's low risk, as long as it's the minimum dose necessary to get the job done. Certainly safer than T.

 

And I'm not sure if you meant not having children put her into menopause early. As far as I know, there's no correlation.

 

Midwest, I will bring up the female hormone therapy in counseling. We have an appointment on May 6th with a counselor that I have already seen once on my own. I want to try this before I throw in the towel. Even if it doesn't work out, I can at-least say that I did everything possible to save my marriage. I did that with my first marriage, and but 1st wife left after 11 years of marriage.

 

She was 45 also when she was peri menopausal. She never wanted kids for two reasons. Her mother was abusive verbally and physically. Her mother also was diagnosed with MS when she was only 5. Pregnancy can trigger MS.