Maternal Alienation is Abuse

[maryquitecontrary]

So my ex, who happens to be a family attorney specializing in child custody, got 30 day temporary emergency custody of our daughter because I did some stupid things and ended up voluntarily going to inpatient drug rehab followed by 3 years of voluntary monitoring by the State Board of Nursing (I am an RN) and years of intensive outpatient treatment. Basically, I told on myself because I knew how wrong it was and asked them to test me constantly to prove that I am okay now. Neither my ex nor my child knew I had a problem as I hid it well.

 

Here I am, nearly 3 years later, still getting to see my kid one or two hours per month supervised at a counseling center. My daughter is now 9 years old and extremely frustrated by what is happening, but my ex husband would tell you that "she never even talks about her mother". Yeah. Right. I'm sure it hasn't affected her at all.

 

How has this happened? Well court keeps getting delayed and rescheduled or he objects or schedules depositions blah blah blah. The last time we got in front of a judge he was a fill-in and told my ex to allow me to see her, but wouldn't make a ruling on the case because he wasn't the one in charge of our particular case. He couldn't get the counseling center to give me some supervised visits so he let me see her twice in public and at his parents' home with his parents supervising.

 

The visits went extremely well and I got along great with his mom and dad so guess what? He took that away and forced me back to paying to see her at the counseling center for one hour every other week.

 

I call her on the phone, but he puts me on speaker phone and either distracts her or butts in on the conversations. I have not spoken privately to my daughter in 3 years. However, I have been holding down a job this whole time as an ICU nurse at a hospital and stayed clean with 2-4 tests per week (you read that right) PROVING I don't even do so much as drink alcohol. There's a whole list of crap I have to do for the state, but I won't bore you with all that. The point is I have been sober almost 3 years and he knows it without a doubt.

 

This isn't about me being unfit. This is about him wanting to cut her entire maternal family out of her life. Nobody in my family has seen her in about 5 years. He isolated us from them before I left for rehab.

 

I don't know how any judge can support his actions, especially since he is a family attorney!! My child will be forever affected by this and feels like I have abandoned her. She doesn't know why she doesn't get to see me and I can't tell her it's because her dad will not allow it.

 

If only I could get a judge to read my case. If only I could have a trial and bring my whole family and friends up to the stand to talk about what a horrible person he was. I don't want to take her away from him unless he is harming her. I only want to share her.

 

However, my therapist that has been treating me all this time strongly suspects that he is sexually abusing her based on how he acted in front of me and family members before we separated. I don't know how to feel about that, but it really upsets me. My daughter does not show any signs of that so I am hoping that isn't the case.

 

Please don't bash me for being a former drug addict. I've bashed myself enough for destroying my life and forever scarring my child. We are divorcing in the state of Louisiana and yes, I have an attorney-- the only freaking attorney I could get to take my case after months of searching.

 

Has anyone else been through anything similar that can give me a shred of hope? I don't want to wait until my child is an adult before I can see her. I am fighting as hard as I can and asking him all the time to see her, but he won't let me.

[Fdb]

Good luck! Will pray for you!

[aileD]

You need a really good attorney because your ex knows how to play the game and probably knows the judges from prior cases and what exactly to say or do to hurt your case.

 

I will pray for you

 

Keep records of everything. Record the phone calls. And any communication or texts, etc. and who says you can't explain to your daughter that you were sick and made some mistakes but now are better and proving it?

[somanymistakes]

My sympathies, nasty custody battles can be horrid especially when someone knows all your weak spots and how to work the system in their favor.

 

Anecdotally (not personal experience) I've been told it's best not to raise the spectre of abuse unless you have absolute 100% concrete proof verifiable by third parties, because this can often be spun as "she's lying to try and poison you against me!" Sadly the stigma is very high and a lot of people blame whoever raises the subject.

 

If your daughter were a bit older and able to fight her own corner you'd have a better chance, but at her age and having been controlled by her father for so long she's not likely to be able to push back against the legal system and demand more access to you. You MIGHT be able to get a guardian ad litem involved to try and speak on her behalf rather than either parent's?