My Story so far- it's 1.5 years long

[Pretty Dahlia]

Hello,

I have been reading your threads and thoughts for over a year now- and I finally felt compelled to share my situation.

I found this website because I was surprised that as a married woman, I had become an Other Woman. After being with my husband for 15 years (college sweethearts), the appeal, the attraction, and the enthusiasm was gone for my husband and marriage. I had spent years tolerating my situation, looking for hobbies, friends to make me happy. I had a baby to try and revive my feelings. I had accepted that the best was behind me, and I had “chosen wrong”. Sex was non-existent,and we rarely spent time together. Basically, I felt we were leading separate lives.

 

 

One day, a guy I had known professionally years ago contacted me for help getting a job at my company. I helped him, and spent several weeks emailing back and forth to give him updates and talk about the industry. Very few of the emails were personal. He also lived 2 hours away and was applying for a contract job that would bring him to my city only once a week or so.

 

 

When he did get hired on at my employer, he offered to take me out for a drink as a thank you. He was married, I was married. I thought nothing of it. I only had an hour to spare, but I met him at a bar during the day for that 1 drink.

 

 

I had forgotten how handsome he was.

 

For the first time ever, we got to know each other. I asked about his wife and he hesitated, saying “she is trying to find her way” in reference to her career. I dropped the subject of her- I could see he didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t want to discuss my husband either.

 

 

We parted and gave each other a hug. The following week, he emailed me asking to meet for another drink. I declined, because I had plans. But I suggested the following week.

 

 

Following week was platonic as well. But after that following week…I sent a flirty text. He responded. And it escalated. Within a week we both knew something was going to happen. I knew it was trouble, I knew I would regret it, but accepted this as a “lesson I had to learn.”

 

 

At that point I started intensely reading loveshack. I had never had an affair. I didn’t understand what I was feeling. I didn’t know what to believe of his words. Loveshack taught me that everything was fake. The extreme emotions were a high like a drug. We were only showing one another the best pieces of ourselves; so we didn’t really know each other. The sex was amazing because it was “strange”.That the relationship would never survive in public- the shame, misery, and difficulty leaving our partners would destroy the relationship we had built.

 

 

So I enjoyed it “for however long it was going to last”. He was the first to say he loved me (And he said it quickly, within a few weeks). I said it as well,and within a few months I really meant it. I loved him. I admired him, I was fascinated. I was so sad that I was only going to be a small chapter in his life. I wished I could share in his life.

 

 

My husband had no clue. His wife would get suspicious and he would gaslight her (I learned to recognize that based off this site). We would “talk” about leavingour spouses but never plan it, never discuss it in depth. I also learned about “future faking” from this site- I didn’t want to fall into that trap.

 

 

At the 1 year mark I told him I was going to ask for a divorce. He was surprised and reacted vaguely about supporting me. He didn’t really believe me. I asked for a divorce from my husband that night. At this point my marriage was destroyed and I could come back to it- but I didn’t want to. I would rather be alone and start over than be married.

 

 

The days after asking for a divorce (and telling my husband why and about OM) were AWFUL. I could write a post about that roller coaster. My BF heard the tears, the uncertainty, and stayed strong for me. He kept asking if he should initiate a divorce too- but I told him to wait. I was onthe verge of being homeless- no sense two of us homeless.

 

 

BF didn’t wait long. Within 2 weeks he broke the news to his wife. BF and I celebrated that we could be public, that we were starting our future.

 

 

Things on my end were topsy. I DID end up homeless and couch surfing for a month or so. But husband wanted a quick divorce- and it was final in 6 months. BFs divorce was final a month later than mine.

 

 

I alerted my employer. We went public on facebook. We met each other’s friends. I EVEN met his ex wife- bought; her as many drinks as she wanted. It was awkward. But she recognized that I might be joining her family and wanted to keep her ex-husband a part of the family.

 

 

1.5 months ago he moved in with me. He still has a house 2 hours away, the ex and her kids live in it for a few more months. Then he will put it on the market. He’s been applying to jobs locally so he can work full time here. We have plans for tonight, this weekend, a month from now, and a vacation planned for the Fall.

 

 

Somehow, miraculously, we beat those friggen statistics. We are in the 2%. I don’t think we are any different than you. I don’t think I loved him differently than you love your men. I don’t know why my situation worked out. But I’m grateful. And I hope this kind of gives a counter perspective to the majority of the stories posted here.

Edited March 23, 2017 by Pretty Dahlia

[Lovetoo]

I'm glad you're happy. I'm glad he's happy. I hope the other two are as well, if not now soon!

[deadsoul]

The way your story started out, I expected a sad ending. I'm glad it has worked out for you both. I hope you'll continue to keep us updated.

 

Your key statement that stood out to me was, "I'd rather be alone than continue the marriage." I think it's important to leave for yourself and not for someone else.

[Pretty Dahlia]

Thank you!

 

 

My ex-husband tried OLD. 1 bad date, then another woman he started seeing for a few weeks....and then the next woman he found on OLD- he's been dating her exclusively for 5 months now. I'm too chicken to ask him his feelings about me and the result of our marriage- but he has found a new woman that seems to be a better match for him (she has a lot of traits he wanted me to have, and I tried. But hated).

 

 

BF's ex wife- tried OLD. Didn't find anyone of quality. Still half heartedly doing it I think.

[Lovetoo]

Are you friends with her? I didn't know my ex Mm was currently married. He told me they were divorced and they had filed but I suppose neither of them really wanted to go through with it.

 

When I looked her up I think we have a lot in common. She's absolutely beautiful. I've never talk to her though she did follow me on one sm site. I think it was by mistake I believe what happened was I showed a friend her page and they liked a photo and I liked it before I saw and she saw and followed me. That's he ONLY explanation I can fathom.

 

Anyway, if I could I'd love to be friends with her. I really think she's awesome.

[Eight]

"After being with my husband for 15 years (college sweethearts), the appeal, the attraction, and the enthusiasm was gone for my husband and marriage. I had spent years tolerating my situation, looking for hobbies, friends to make me happy. I had a baby to try and revive my feelings. I had accepted that the best was behind me, and I had “chosen wrong”. Sex was non-existent,and we rarely spent time together. Basically, I felt we were leading separate lives."

 

I hate to sound cynical but your story is concerning to say the least. You've known this new man for 1.5 years; during which time you carried on a secret relationship for the most part. You didn't leave your marriage until you met this man and put the nail in the coffin of your marriage by not trying to fix it and then cheating on your husband.

 

You got tired in your marriage, didn't try to fix it and basically looked for greener grass. You're statements are all "I did this" and "I did that"..."I had a baby.." It's like your husband wasn't even a consideration. Did you happen to mention to him that you were feeling distant? Unhappy? What will happen when the appeal, attraction and enthusiasm for this new guy wears off (it will)? Will you feel that you "chose wrong" again?

 

Maybe you did really "find" each other after all this wrong choosing on each of your parts the first go around. Maybe I'm cyncial and you will beat the second marriage odds.

 

Either way; I do wish you good luck.

[Birdies]

Interesting read. I hope things work out for you! How long ago did you guys get divorced and things came out into the open? I couldn't quite tell. I hope that as time progresses, neither of you will regret it. I think that happens sometimes, even if it seems great at the beginning.

 

Very similar to my story, except I never intended to leave my husband until the truth came out pretty explosively. I wish I'd had the courage and respect to tell him :/ Oh and my exMM's ex-wife hates him and me, so that's a little different. Luckily she's moved away. And there are no kids involved, THANK GOD. It's been over a year now and we are still very happy together and while I deeply regret how it happened and how we hurt people we loved, I'm also grateful that we are where we are.

 

Have you had repercussions in other ways? Losing friends, being exposed at your workplace, etc? I find those things hard to deal with, on top of the guilt and remorse for having hurt my ex so deeply, but it is what it is. Actions have consequences. We try to walk a fine line between being so happy in many ways, but not justifying our behavior that led us here.

[Pretty Dahlia]

His ex wife and I are facebook friends (now). She was a stranger when this started.

 

 

We talked during the divorce process. She initially tried for a few days to win him back, but quickly realized it was over. She accepted it quickly. BF became comfortable talking about me in front of her. They talked frankly about her getting back into dating, and his relationship with me.

 

 

I had joked many times that I owed her limitless drinks for how she was reacting. BF said he saw us being friends, and arranged a meet up at a bar. I made good on my drink promise. We talked a bit about BF, a bit about her future, a lot about nothing at all.

 

 

We have only messaged each other once or twice since on facebook. Just when her kids were upset about a pic he posted of him and I. He took it down, and I sent her an apology message.

 

 

For a long time in the affair I mentally competed with her. I tried so hard to be better-the motivation actually made me lose weight, get into exercising, stay in school, get promoted at my job...that's a strange side effect of having an affair no one has discussed!

 

 

Once he initiated divorce- I didn't feel the need to compare myself to her. I don't even look at her like that anymore. I just feel jealous of all the years and memories she had with him. I wish I had seen him accomplish so much. I wish I had shared so much with him.

 

 

He once sent me a message he found on the internet:

"I wish I could go back in time, so I could meet you earlier, and love you longer."

 

 

He and I "knew" each other for 6 years prior professionally. He initially flirted with me once when we first met. I shut it down and he never tried again. Now we both kind of have regret that we never started anything way back when.

[DKT3]

Not so unusual at this point. The test is time....The first time one of you are an hour late home.

 

Relationships​ are relationships and any relationship can last. The problem with your current relationship is you're both lacking boundaries, both have poor coping mechanisms, both lack respect. At some point those issues will replace the freshness of new love.

[anika99]

Well all you can do at this point is hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

 

I know you think you have already arrived at your happy ending but this is still very early in the game. There are some things stacked in your favor and some things stacked against you. The biggest positive for you is that your ex and his ex seemed really quick to accept the divorce and don't seem to be creating any drama or guilt in your relationship.

 

The things stacked against you. Well first of all both of you got really comfortable with lying and cheating and once one crosses that boundary it can be easier to cross the next time. He immediately moved in with you. Even in the absence of an affair I"m always really hesitant about dating newly separated men. It's not healthy to jump from a marriage right into another committed relationship and especially not to move right from the wife's home into the gf's home. There should be a time of processing and grieving.

 

About 50% of first marriages end in divorce. 67% of 2nd marriages end in divorce and about 75% of marriages that started as affairs end in divorce. Also I think the 3% statistic refers to a marriage that started as an affair and is still thriving 5 yrs later. I'm not entirely sure about that but if so then you're actually not in that category yet.

 

There are people here who have successful marriages that started as affairs and they are happy so I'm not saying you won't get there too, I'm just saying don't count your chickens before they are hatched. You are in the beginning and you don't want to wind up devastated because you pinned too much hope on this relationship. Good Luck!

[Jersey born raised]

Who has custody of your child ?

[ice3784]

He ask me to merry him during the early of our relationship. He didnt left his wife for me. They had 4 children. I was with him until today. His wife left him for a year. Now she is coming back. I dont know where i stand. You are a lucky one, both of you believe in the love you have. And slowly me and him are running out of love...i hope when the heat turns low, your relationship can sustain..

[Jemima1234]

His ex wife and I are facebook friends (now). She was a stranger when this started.

 

 

We talked during the divorce process. She initially tried for a few days to win him back, but quickly realized it was over. She accepted it quickly. BF became comfortable talking about me in front of her. They talked frankly about her getting back into dating, and his relationship with me.

 

 

I had joked many times that I owed her limitless drinks for how she was reacting. BF said he saw us being friends, and arranged a meet up at a bar. I made good on my drink promise. We talked a bit about BF, a bit about her future, a lot about nothing at all.

 

 

We have only messaged each other once or twice since on facebook. Just when her kids were upset about a pic he posted of him and I. He took it down, and I sent her an apology message.

 

 

For a long time in the affair I mentally competed with her. I tried so hard to be better-the motivation actually made me lose weight, get into exercising, stay in school, get promoted at my job...that's a strange side effect of having an affair no one has discussed!

 

 

Once he initiated divorce- I didn't feel the need to compare myself to her. I don't even look at her like that anymore. I just feel jealous of all the years and memories she had with him. I wish I had seen him accomplish so much. I wish I had shared so much with him.

 

 

He once sent me a message he found on the internet:

"I wish I could go back in time, so I could meet you earlier, and love you longer."

 

 

He and I "knew" each other for 6 years prior professionally. He initially flirted with me once when we first met. I shut it down and he never tried again. Now we both kind of have regret that we never started anything way back when.

 

Thank you for sharing your story. Really interesting to read and it sounds like it has worked out for you. I actually have real hope for you that it may work long term. I hope it does.

[Jemima1234]

Can I ask what age are his kids and what age are yours? How have kids responded to this? My xMM believed his kids would despise him if he left and he couldn't hurt them. Much as I struggle I get this as I couldn't leave my kids for anything

[savingshards]

Wow PD. Sounds too good to be true. Mostly the parts about the quick and kind acceptance by your former husband and your partner's former wife.

 

And honestly, if it is as you have portrayed, kind of sad. I can't help but wonder where the kids are in all this, and how they feel? They get just a brush of a mention in your description of your wonderful life.

 

Without each of you taking time, individually, to dig in to how you got where you were and owning your own part, it is likely history will be repeated. It is fascinating that you surmise your entire first marriage as "you chose wrong." Yet when you chose, you didn't think you were wrong. And as you mention the things you did (even having a baby) you don't mention moving inward to your marriage...talking...reconnecting...seeking help...almost as if expected some magic thing to click and make your marriage better and if not, well, you chose wrong.

 

After having worked with hundreds of couples that are struggling to move past infidelity, I'm just dumbfounded.

[freengreen]

It did start with deceit but eventually you both played it fair. For the love of love. You are happy and you let others free. I trust you made plans to sort any kids involved with equal fairness.

 

Takecare .

[Pretty Dahlia]

Hello,

To answer the questions and follow up:

 

 

BF has 1 bio child 17 years old, lives with her mom (not ex wife).

Ex wife had 3 children from prior marriage- the youngest is now 20.

My child is 4. Ex husband and I split custody- I see her almost every day outside of my work hours. Ex keeps her the rest of the time because he is a stay at home dad that lives off disability. Ex husband moved to a house a few streets away from me. Since he is now seriously dating this new woman that lives a few towns over, he has talked about moving to her town (30 mins away), and I am mentally prepared for that to happen sometime in the next year.

 

 

BF was expecting his step children to hate him. That was a big concern of his; he has exerted a lot of time and energy to win them over. At some point he accepted that they will hate him. Surprisingly, ex wife big concern was that he maintains a relationship with her kids. Therefore, she buffered a bit so the kids would not hate him. They had a lot of questions but accepted it within a few months. BF has maintained his relationship with them- though over time, everything has come out, so they know the whole story.

 

 

Our employer unofficially knew we were dating within months of it starting. Rumors were crazy. My boss told me about the rumors (which I already knew) and said we could address it if it was true. I stayed silent and he let it go. We were not breaking policy. A few weeks before my divorce was final, I had a sit down with my boss and said the rumors were true. I'm getting divorced; I'm dating him. My boss said it's not breaking company policy, and its personal business- no formal notification necessary. I don't think I had backlash for doing it; some coworkers were judgy (not to my face though) when it was speculation, but by the time the divorces happened it was old news.

 

 

I am fully aware that BF and I may not ride into the sunset together. This is still very early, and we are doing everything "wrong" to have a lasting relationship (moving in so quickly, relationship built on lies, watching one another betray our partners). At this point- if it doesn't work out, I would be so sad but not surprised. But I do not want to let this opportunity pass because I feel I would regret "what might have been".

 

 

We are keeping our finances separate. This way it wont be messy if there is a breakup.

 

 

We have lightly discussed marriage. I am in no rush and don't see much point in it. We are not planning to have kids. We live together, and how committed we feel for one another is what I monitor for security- not the legal aspect of it. BF wants to marry one day for cell phone plans, insurance and taxes. All very romantic. But we don't talk about that much, we are still enjoying the phase we are in now.

 

 

My own personality in giving up on my marriage? Yes- I'm flawed and probably more so than the norm. I am proud that I had 15 years of monogamy- I know that I can do it longer than most. But the idea of sticking it out for another 15 years simply for the fact that I could say I had been together for 30 years- no.

 

 

I mentally inventoried everything and all aspects and all pros and all cons during this process. One aspect of my relationship that I did have pride was our long storybook relationship. Met at 20 and became serious immediately. Planned a future, ups and downs of starting our lives, establishing ourselves and starting a family- I knew our relationship carried a lot of respect for friends and family. I knew that a lot of people looked to our relationship as a standard. Revealing what I had done, and/or ending it was going to ruin the history of our story. But- I didn't want to stick it out simply so I could tell other people how long I had been in a relationship with ex and enjoy a few moments of admiration.

 

 

So BF and I are starting over. We are starting at a disadvantage given the way we started. I fretted about that before I initiated divorce. But I kept coming back to: "this was an opportunity I didn't want to miss." I would rather know that I tried and it didn't work, than to wonder what could have been.

 

 

I did push ex husband to see a marriage counselor prior to the start of this. We went once and he was so un-engaged it was a waste. He said we didn't have any problems and he didn't know why we were there. We never went back and I continued on in the marriage.

 

 

A few months later the affair began.

 

 

At one point after the affair just started, I asked to go to marriage counseling again. Ex said we didn't need it, we were doing just fine. I said "but you have never asked ME if I think we are doing fine!" and ex was quiet and reflective. He waited a moment and then changed the subject.

 

 

After I initiated divorce and was decisive about it- ex suddenly wanted to go to marriage counseling. He begged me to. I said no. I was done. I had no interest in being in a relationship anymore, I was only interested in activities that were going to lead to divorce.

 

 

Did I take the divorce process lightly? Was it rainbows and unicorns? No. It was awful. Every time ex and I were in the same room was spent him begging me to stay. Or his accusing me of being the worst person on the planet. Or him saying I was ruining his life. Our daughters life. I was setting our daughter up to wind up in the sex slave industry as a result of my actions. When I was with him- I was so confused. And then I would go to a friends house, to work, to run an errand and my head would clear- I would become resolved that this was the right course of action again.

 

 

But at some points I became suicidal. The constant stress and uncertainty. Ex was living with me and he could see it which convinced him even more that I was out of my mind; that I had a mental illness. That I was not equipped to make decisions for myself. He was so confused by my decision to break up that he felt something was wrong with me. my affair and leaving the marriage was so out of character. He tried to convince me to check myself into a mental hospital. My friends were outraged saying I was fine. I was at a point I didn't even know what was normal or not.

 

 

Luckily- that passed. Luckily it passed within a few months. Ugh- dislike reliving those memories.

 

 

I was seeing a psychologist during this whole process. I was on anti depression meds. I'm still seeing the psychologist, weaning off meds.

 

 

I think that answers everyone questions. I'll check back later today.

Thank you for the encouragement and support. Thank you to those that are expressing concern. I want to hear all sides and all opinions.

[BTDT2012]

I hope it works out for you.

 

My child is 4. Ex husband and I split custody- I see her almost every day outside of my work hours. Ex keeps her the rest of the time because he is a stay at home dad that lives off disability.

 

It seems like your child is kind of a footnote for you. Do you have her on the weekends?

 

I am proud that I had 15 years of monogamy- I know that I can do it longer than most.

This nothing to take pride in, it is what is expected when are married, part of the covenant.

I did push ex husband to see a marriage counselor prior to the start of this. We went once and he was so un-engaged it was a waste. He said we didn't have any problems and he didn't know why we were there. We never went back and I continued on in the marriage.

 

 

A few months later the affair began.

 

This sounds like you just wanted to able to say that you tried to save the marriage. One session is not an honest attempt. From what you have written, neither you nor your BF were willing to leave unsatisfactory marriages until you had another relationship lined up.

My take is the you and your BF are afraid to be alone. Was he married to the mother of his first child? And tell your BF that you don't need to be married to share cell phone plans.

[Birdies]

Thanks for the update. It's interesting to read, given the similarities in our stories.

 

Two things jump out as cause for concern, besides what you've already mentioned... just thought I'd share my thoughts, again, having gone through something very similar.

 

First - given your update, it sounds like you literally never told your husband about the doubts you were having about your relationship.... you just kind of gave up on it. That is patently unfair to him, and it's classic conflict-avoidance and will easily doom future relationships as well. Be careful!

 

The second is that you don't make any mention of you or your BF being in any kind of individual counseling to address your poor boundaries and coping mechanisms, or even talking with each other about your decisions and how you can avoid them in the future....or even express any guilt in how you went about things. It seems like you're just kind of in this happy fantasy land with your BF and ignoring everything that brought you here. I'm not judging you for your actions - I also had an affair and fell in love and left my husband - but it is worthy of some introspection and self-analysis so you don't justify this to yourself and run the risk of doing it again.

 

Anyway, best of luck to you both.

[Pretty Dahlia]

My daughter is not a footnote, I just didn't think the story was about her. I have her all day and night on weekends, unless her dad wants to take her to an event.

 

 

She is doing well. She processes 2 houses, 2 beds, 2 bedrooms. She has gotten used to the routine and so far it has been working.

 

 

Because of pick ups and drop offs- I see my ex husband every day. We get along but we are careful not to talk about topics that might start a fight: money, my BF, my future plans, the affair. We both avoid those topics and stick to talking about our daughter, his plans, his girlfriend, or friends and family.

 

 

So I get no credit for 15 years with someone. That's ok. I can see how its a small amount of the lifetime that marriage is meant to be.

 

 

And a few times trying for marriage counseling is not an attempt to hold a marriage together. I'm not going into all the years of everything. It was a slow decline of my marriage. So subtle that I didn't notice until one day I looked around and my life had gotten so far away from my plans that I didn't even know when it happened. I could go into all the reasons I feel we declined, maybe its rewriting marriage but I don't think so. I think it is that I gave up sooner than ex did. Or I expected more. Or I knew I could do/accomplish more on my own. Catagorize it, opinion about it- I'm not marriage material and I had to try it before I knew it.

[Pretty Dahlia]

Birdies, your concern is also my concern, but I cant figure it out.

 

 

Something in me, in my personality, does not work the way people in successful relationships do.

 

 

You mention avoidance. Yes- that is my style. I don't like conflict so I give in. I accommodate. I flee arguments. I only really noticed it during the divorce. When the arguments and anger was daily. And I either would leave, avoid going home, or just sit there and take it until the anger was replaced with exhaustion.

 

 

My friends would be mad on my behalf about things I was accommodating in my marriage- but I would just say I needed to let it go, and learn. Nothing that I considered a deal breaker- just a level of laziness opposed to my drive. Pot smoking when I don't partake. Credit card usage, stuff that every couple has to varying degrees. I think I accommodated to the point it became the norm. And then I looked around and felt I couldn't change things when I had accepted it for so long.

 

 

But the poor boundaries- I don't think I have them. I've been hit on all the time- and this one guy got in. But maybe its a slippery slope and I'm more vulnerable the next time. Probably.

 

 

To go deep into my WHY did I choose the out that I did? I cant figure it out other than it was an exit affair. Once I read that term (thank you loveshack), I recognized it. I was so obvious in my affair, I wanted to be caught. I wanted it to blow up. I wanted to do so much damage to the relationship that no one could fix it. He wouldn't WANT me back.

 

 

But other psychological parts? I cant figure it out. Loveshack says I should be in counseling (I am) to figure out how I'm broken. To work on myself. Or else it's going to happen again. But what do I do in counseling? What do I examine?

 

 

I started seeing this counselor because I went to her once. With ex husband because I was depressed and didn't know how bad. She immediately discussed my reasons for why and put me on anti-depressants. And set up talks. A few weeks after talking to her, BF and I started. She was the first I confessed too. She discussed pros, cons, consequences, feelings, emotions. She was against me getting a divorce- didn't think I understood how difficult the process was or the aftermath. She has listened to all steps of my affair, divorce and aftermath.

 

 

My life is finally stable. Almost boring. Except that I'm happy and it is set up in a way that I don't want to make changes.

 

 

So I'm at a good point to work on myself. But what does that mean? What exercises should I do? What questions should I ask myself? What do I examine?

[harrybrown]

Ouch!

 

I really feel for your ex H

 

and for your OM's ex wife.

 

So much pain. So your new man is so much prettier than the old one.

 

good for you. makes your ex feel lousy. was he just a throw away person?

 

And for the kids of the two families.

 

Hope your ex husband's next wife will not cheat on him.

 

That could lead to too much pain.

 

hope that your cheating new H does not cheat on you. Then you would feel what it is like to be rejected by someone that was supposed to have your back.

 

my wife would have gotten away with so much, if the OM did not send me pictures of the two of them in the bed that I built.

 

of course she still denies it. just kills any love and any reason to live.

[BTDT2012]

I'm not marriage material and I had to try it before I knew it.

Did you share this conclusion with your BF? And I'm glad you spend a lot of time with your child. Edited March 24, 2017 by BTDT2012

[Pretty Dahlia]

no- I didn't conclude it until I wrote it. I don't think he is either. I think that is why neither of us talks about it. It's not a next step for us. I'll bring it up if he brings it up. But we are not on uneven ground...one person wanting what the other person cannot provide.

 

 

That doesn't mean we love each other less. It just means that right now I feel totally committed to him. I feel it from him. I don't know what will happen in 5-10 years. And I would rather not get married and then it results in all kinds of judgy comments if it doesn't work out. So maybe we don't ever marry...and stay together until we die. Or we don't ever marry...ad break up in 5 years. or 10 years. I'm not sure what the "marriage" part means for two people that see eye to eye about how they feel about one another.

 

 

Is it, once one person in the relationship loses that enthusiasm- the marriage contract holds them together...involuntarily?

 

 

I'm not trying to offend. I'm trying to say that I learned a lesson. About myself. About what I can tolerate, not tolerate. And I've been married. To me- that paper did not do anything wonderful for my relationship. It was a non issue...until things went bad. And then I felt trapped. Like I had signed away all of my potential. All of my choices. And was now bound to another person to compromise for them, take care of them...even though I didn't want too. It wasn't a "wake up one day and feel that way", it was gradual. I didn't see it coming. My friends saw it long before I did.

[harrybrown]

He ask me to merry him during the early of our relationship. He didnt left his wife for me. They had 4 children. I was with him until today. His wife left him for a year. Now she is coming back. I dont know where i stand. You are a lucky one, both of you believe in the love you have. And slowly me and him are running out of love...i hope when the heat turns low, your relationship can sustain..

 

Did your former husband not get hurt?

 

Do you ever think of him and his pain? Did you give him a D yet?