My Story so far- it's 1.5 years long

[Pretty Dahlia]

Wait Harry- that's not me. That is another poster that interjected her story into mine.

[BTDT2012]

no- I didn't conclude it until I wrote it. I don't think he is either. I think that is why neither of us talks about it. It's not a next step for us. I'll bring it up if he brings it up. But we are not on uneven ground...one person wanting what the other person cannot provide.

 

 

 

From your earlier post.

BF wants to marry one day for cell phone plans, insurance and taxes. All very romantic.

You need to talk about it, especially since you are living together and he interacts with your child. I see how my stepson suffered from having different men in and out of his life (not saying this is what you plan to do). You both need to be clear about expectations. If you never want to marry, he needs to know that.

 

And I am not judging you.

[Pretty Dahlia]

Agreed. I'll make sure he knows that I don't think marriage is for me.

I do see how my daughter has adapted to having BF around. She expects to see him, she asks where he is when he is not home. She has a relationship with him- which reassures me that she is ok. But concerns me that she has adapted to him so quickly. That does concern me, because I don't know what the future holds.

 

 

But that is a topic for a different support group thread. And if I find myself concerned that this living situation is going to harm here- I'll turn to other resources and maybe post in the parenting thread or something.

[BTDT2012]

Agreed. I'll make sure he knows that I don't think marriage is for me.

I do see how my daughter has adapted to having BF around. She expects to see him, she asks where he is when he is not home. She has a relationship with him- which reassures me that she is ok. But concerns me that she has adapted to him so quickly. That does concern me, because I don't know what the future holds.

 

 

But that is a topic for a different support group thread. And if I find myself concerned that this living situation is going to harm here- I'll turn to other resources and maybe post in the parenting thread or something.

 

Best of luck to all of you.

[Jersey born raised]

What part did your exHusband's disability play in your life?

[road]

Agreed. I'll make sure he knows that I don't think marriage is for me.

I do see how my daughter has adapted to having BF around. She expects to see him, she asks where he is when he is not home. She has a relationship with him- which reassures me that she is ok. But concerns me that she has adapted to him so quickly. That does concern me, because I don't know what the future holds.

 

 

But that is a topic for a different support group thread. And if I find myself concerned that this living situation is going to harm here- I'll turn to other resources and maybe post in the parenting thread or something.

 

 

 

That is because she needs her dad in her life and you took him

away from her.

[road]

Hello,

To answer the questions and follow up:

 

 

BF has 1 bio child 17 years old, lives with her mom (not ex wife).

Ex wife had 3 children from prior marriage- the youngest is now 20.

My child is 4. Ex husband and I split custody- I see her almost every day outside of my work hours. Ex keeps her the rest of the time because he is a stay at home dad that lives off disability. Ex husband moved to a house a few streets away from me. Since he is now seriously dating this new woman that lives a few towns over, he has talked about moving to her town (30 mins away), and I am mentally prepared for that to happen sometime in the next year.

 

 

BF was expecting his step children to hate him. That was a big concern of his; he has exerted a lot of time and energy to win them over. At some point he accepted that they will hate him. Surprisingly, ex wife big concern was that he maintains a relationship with her kids. Therefore, she buffered a bit so the kids would not hate him. They had a lot of questions but accepted it within a few months. BF has maintained his relationship with them- though over time, everything has come out, so they know the whole story.

 

 

Our employer unofficially knew we were dating within months of it starting. Rumors were crazy. My boss told me about the rumors (which I already knew) and said we could address it if it was true. I stayed silent and he let it go. We were not breaking policy. A few weeks before my divorce was final, I had a sit down with my boss and said the rumors were true. I'm getting divorced; I'm dating him. My boss said it's not breaking company policy, and its personal business- no formal notification necessary. I don't think I had backlash for doing it; some coworkers were judgy (not to my face though) when it was speculation, but by the time the divorces happened it was old news.

 

 

I am fully aware that BF and I may not ride into the sunset together. This is still very early, and we are doing everything "wrong" to have a lasting relationship (moving in so quickly, relationship built on lies, watching one another betray our partners). At this point- if it doesn't work out, I would be so sad but not surprised. But I do not want to let this opportunity pass because I feel I would regret "what might have been".

 

 

We are keeping our finances separate. This way it wont be messy if there is a breakup.

 

 

We have lightly discussed marriage. I am in no rush and don't see much point in it. We are not planning to have kids. We live together, and how committed we feel for one another is what I monitor for security- not the legal aspect of it. BF wants to marry one day for cell phone plans, insurance and taxes. All very romantic. But we don't talk about that much, we are still enjoying the phase we are in now.

 

 

My own personality in giving up on my marriage? Yes- I'm flawed and probably more so than the norm. I am proud that I had 15 years of monogamy- I know that I can do it longer than most. But the idea of sticking it out for another 15 years simply for the fact that I could say I had been together for 30 years- no.

 

 

I mentally inventoried everything and all aspects and all pros and all cons during this process. One aspect of my relationship that I did have pride was our long storybook relationship. Met at 20 and became serious immediately. Planned a future, ups and downs of starting our lives, establishing ourselves and starting a family- I knew our relationship carried a lot of respect for friends and family. I knew that a lot of people looked to our relationship as a standard. Revealing what I had done, and/or ending it was going to ruin the history of our story. But- I didn't want to stick it out simply so I could tell other people how long I had been in a relationship with ex and enjoy a few moments of admiration.

 

 

So BF and I are starting over. We are starting at a disadvantage given the way we started. I fretted about that before I initiated divorce. But I kept coming back to: "this was an opportunity I didn't want to miss." I would rather know that I tried and it didn't work, than to wonder what could have been.

 

 

I did push ex husband to see a marriage counselor prior to the start of this. We went once and he was so un-engaged it was a waste. He said we didn't have any problems and he didn't know why we were there. We never went back and I continued on in the marriage.

 

 

A few months later the affair began.

 

 

At one point after the affair just started, I asked to go to marriage counseling again. Ex said we didn't need it, we were doing just fine. I said "but you have never asked ME if I think we are doing fine!" and ex was quiet and reflective. He waited a moment and then changed the subject.

 

 

After I initiated divorce and was decisive about it- ex suddenly wanted to go to marriage counseling. He begged me to. I said no. I was done. I had no interest in being in a relationship anymore, I was only interested in activities that were going to lead to divorce.

 

 

Did I take the divorce process lightly? Was it rainbows and unicorns? No. It was awful. Every time ex and I were in the same room was spent him begging me to stay. Or his accusing me of being the worst person on the planet. Or him saying I was ruining his life. Our daughters life. I was setting our daughter up to wind up in the sex slave industry as a result of my actions. When I was with him- I was so confused. And then I would go to a friends house, to work, to run an errand and my head would clear- I would become resolved that this was the right course of action again.

 

 

But at some points I became suicidal. The constant stress and uncertainty. Ex was living with me and he could see it which convinced him even more that I was out of my mind; that I had a mental illness. That I was not equipped to make decisions for myself. He was so confused by my decision to break up that he felt something was wrong with me. my affair and leaving the marriage was so out of character. He tried to convince me to check myself into a mental hospital. My friends were outraged saying I was fine. I was at a point I didn't even know what was normal or not.

 

 

Luckily- that passed. Luckily it passed within a few months. Ugh- dislike reliving those memories.

 

 

I was seeing a psychologist during this whole process. I was on anti depression meds. I'm still seeing the psychologist, weaning off meds.

 

 

I think that answers everyone questions. I'll check back later today.

Thank you for the encouragement and support. Thank you to those that are expressing concern. I want to hear all sides and all opinions.

 

You were brave enough to have an affair but where was your

courage when it was time to tell your BH that you were banging

the OM?

 

 

Asking your BH to go to MC without that important fact, that

you were banging your OM, left out the important motivation

for your BH to wake up and take action.

 

 

Another example of false justification on a WW's part to go

and have sex with her OM. Well I told my BH we need MC.

Though conveniently leaving out the reason why they need MC.

[Lovetoo]

Road, I think it's important to note, that she did indeed say they went to counseling BEFORE she initiated or even started an affair. i could be wrong.

 

Ppl should stop bringing their personal feelings into other people's situations. I understand that we all understand things from our own point of reference HOWEVER, you sound like you are talking to your own WS.

 

I'm just saying love. Carry on.

[road]

Road, I think it's important to note, that she did indeed say they went to counseling BEFORE she initiated or even started an affair. i could be wrong.

 

Ppl should stop bringing their personal feelings into other people's situations. I understand that we all understand things from our own point of reference HOWEVER, you sound like you are talking to your own WS.

 

I'm just saying love. Carry on.

 

Yes I did read that and it is not important. That still does not

justify what she did, when she did it.

[anika99]

That is because she needs her dad in her life and you took him

away from her.

 

Actually the OP stated that her ex is a stay at home dad and by the sounds of it he has primary custody of their daughter.

[Lovetoo]

Road, if it's not important why did you comment on it? And your comment was false.

 

No she isn't justified. Cheating is wrong period. No one has justified her actions. I don't thinks she's looking for justification either.

[Pretty Dahlia]

Checking in to answer remaining questions:

 

 

Ex husband becoming disabled while married was a huge challenge in the marriage. More bad memories that I don't want to go into. He was in pain. Medical procedures were expensive. I hung in there as long as I could but I was in over my head. So was he. Both of us learned. Good news is that years of treatment has paid off and he is doing much better and nearly pain free now.

 

 

Ex husband has our daughter a little more than I have her. He is a stay at home without a job. I work 40 hrs. Right now we live a few streets away from each other. So daughter walks from house to house with an adult.

 

 

Maybe I didn't try to fight to be happy in the marriage long or hard enough. Agreed we didn't give the formal techniques a real chance (marriage counseling). The marriage declined until I didn't want it anymore. I didn't see it getting better- I didn't really like my husband anymore because of the resentment and constraint I felt. I don't know his perspective, but now that I'm no longer tethered to ex husband and responsible for his every need- I can feel my respect and appreciation for him as a person returning. I don't want him moving back in with me- but it's easier to be friends when you have some breathing room.

[minimariah]

So I get no credit for 15 years with someone. That's ok.

 

well - you can take credit for whatever you want, really. some folks think a long marriage is an achievement and others don't. if you think and feel that you want to celebrate those 15 years as a success - by all means, do so.

 

i agree with others and i think you got some good advice. you were lucky to have all the parties involved be mature & reasonable so the drama was minimized. you were dealt some good cards.