dotsandthings Posted March 24, 2017 Share Posted March 24, 2017 I have been married for 3 1/2 years, together for 7. We have two children, 4 and 2. We are building a house which will be done in a few weeks. About a year ago I finally admitted to myself that I haven't been in love with my husband at all since the beginning. He was nice but jealous. He was resentful and spiteful at times. But we got along well enough. We are both homebodies for the most part. I stuck around because all of my friends were getting married and having kids and I thought it was what I was supposed to do. I settled. I got pregnant and then we got married a few months later because, again, I thought it was what I was supposed to do. We got pregnant again. My feelings of resentment grew. My feelings of being trapped intensified. We have been together for 7 years and have probably had sex 20 times or less. We have had sex three times in the last three years and one of those times was when we got pregnant. When he tries to initiate sex I feel disgusted. I don't like to be affectionate. I don't like to kiss him. I don't like to snuggle or spend time together. Honestly, I don't know why he hasn't tried to leave me. But now we are about to move into a house that we built and I feel like I'm going to jail. I know that I owe it to him to tell him how I am feeling. He doesn't deserve to be in a loveless marriage either, right? Maybe he is feeling the same things, I don't know. The hardest parts are the financial aspects and the kids. I grew up in an in-tact home. He did not. I never wanted that for my children but I also want them to grow up seeing that people who are married should love each other, not just tolerate each other. I know the conversation needs to be had soon but I am so anxious, nervous, nauseous, etc. I don't want to feel like I'm giving up but in my head it's been over for a while. I don't see myself with him for the rest of my life. Looking back I always felt it was for "right now". I can't take that back. I can only move forward. Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted March 24, 2017 Share Posted March 24, 2017 I will try to make thing easier for you. Make this conversation with your husband as quickly as you can, not for you, but for him. Let him go, set him free from a person like you. Let him go so he can find a real woman who does not "plays marriage". This marriage is not the case of a good marriage who came into a dead end. You didn't love him from the beginning. You just gambled and were immature enough to pretend. Let him go. Tell him the whole truth. You made a huge mistake, it's on you, and it's on you to fix it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted March 24, 2017 Share Posted March 24, 2017 The hardest part is deciding that you will end the marriage. Looks like you have already done that part, so now make a plan for you and your kids. Have an honest conversation and explain your plans. It will be not be easy but when it is over you will a huge weight off your shoulders and you can start to focus on getting where you want to be. Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted March 24, 2017 Share Posted March 24, 2017 Never be absolutely certain that it's over until you've at least talked on the level about your problems and given him a fair chance to see if anything can be done about them (yes, I say the same thing to the husbands wanting to leave) It's hard and it's scary but it's not going to get better unless you take actions. Try to organise your thoughts. Make notes if you have to. Don't just say 'it's over', explain how and why you feel that things aren't working, what you need and what you think he needs. Give him a little time to get his thoughts in order and respond. Then move forward. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Jiveballer Posted March 25, 2017 Share Posted March 25, 2017 I don't think your situation is truely uncommon - maintaining a loveless relationship due to perceived social norms and/or codependence. The important things for you are to not do anything you will regret (like an affair), make the split as easy for the kids as possible (amicable), and both seek some counseling to get stronger individually so you don't repeat this kind of relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Mumbles Posted March 25, 2017 Share Posted March 25, 2017 There has surely got to be a lot more to this story than we know so far. Sex 20 times in 7 years? With both my wives we probably topped that in the first week. Aren't you constantly sexually frustrated? Isn't he? Marriage is more than sex, absolutely, I've been married twice (and am still in the 2nd) and know this fact, but ... and its a big but, sex is what binds a couple together. Are you not attracted to each other? Not even in the beginning? I feel there is a dynamic here that readers are not being let in on yet, please elaborate a bit more. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author dotsandthings Posted March 25, 2017 Author Share Posted March 25, 2017 Honestly, there isn't much more to the story. I was never that into sex with him and he didn't fight me too hard on it. I have a low libido and never felt frustrated by the lack of sex. I think we both settled to be honest and I think once we have this conversation he may take some time and come up with the same conclusion. We are close like family but don't make great partners. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 26, 2017 Share Posted March 26, 2017 I have a low libido and never felt frustrated by the lack of sex. I'm going to guess that, in the right relationship, this won't be the case. You may surprise yourself. You may also find your H has been looking elsewhere to get his needs met... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted March 26, 2017 Share Posted March 26, 2017 Have you talked to anyone else in real life about your problems? Link to post Share on other sites
NTV Posted March 26, 2017 Share Posted March 26, 2017 Tell your husband. You cannot blame him for this situation. If I were him I would have split from you as soon as I saw your selfish true colors. He's a better man than I am and you are wrong to continue to hide how you feel. How would you feel if some lone said they were disgusted at the thought of sleeping with you? Would you want to be in a relationship with them? This new house is not your prison. It's his. Poor guy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted March 26, 2017 Share Posted March 26, 2017 OP, About a year ago I finally admitted to myself that I haven't been in love with my husband at all since the beginning. He was nice but jealous. He was resentful and spiteful at times. But we got along well enough. We are both homebodies for the most part. I stuck around because all of my friends were getting married and having kids and I thought it was what I was supposed to do. I settled. What annoys the $hi£ out me when I read posts like this is how selfish you are. You "settled". And then you brought two kids into the mix that didn't ask to be there. One could have been a "mistake" but two?? So take a deep breath and, for once, have an honest conversation with your husband. Then make plans to set him free from this sham of a marriage that you've been perpetuating. This is all on you, so do something before he wastes any more of his time with you. I feel sorry for him, I really do 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted March 26, 2017 Share Posted March 26, 2017 Ok listen... You made a mistake and you made it worse by staying. I will not condemn you. But you guys are both young. Please end this for him and for yourself. And get into counseling for Gods sake. You don't want to make a mistake like this worse by staying in this for another minute. Your husband must be the most passive man on the planet for him to stay in this marriage at all. And hey, you have a low libido because you are in a loveless marriage with a man that you are not attracted to. I cannot imagine 20 times in 7 years. My wife never loved me but at least she loved to F*** me. I had sex 20 times last 3 day weekend with my main GF, good grief. You simply have no idea how happy you will be when you get out of this marriage... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mumbles Posted March 27, 2017 Share Posted March 27, 2017 Well, I have to say, one or both of you are unbelievably fertile. Sex 20 times in 7 years and you've produced 2 babies? Wow! Many many couples try for years, sex twice a day and have no luck conceiving ... so kudos to you both That aside. I'm still having a WTF moment here. You've never really had a strong sexual relationship, even from the beginning. Together 7 years and married for only 3.5 of that ... so, 3.5 years of being a couple before marriage where, presumably, this low sex and low 'love' feeling still existed? Plenty of time in there, even before the first child came, for one or both of you to give up and move on. Are you sure you're not telling this story through a sort of reverse rose coloured glasses? ie; things seem dim and bleak now and looking back you're (now) thinking that they always were? I mean, if things were this distant between you both, and you mutually didn't really have a true 'love', then how did you both even embark upon the building of a new house together? This must have happened only in the last 12-18 months I'm guessing. Also, I think its telling that you're having these thoughts, strongly, now ... after 7 years. The '7 year itch' as its commonly called is a real thing, I've experienced it many many times. Its not just a boredom with ones long term partner at work, we, humans, seem to go through distinct life phases which are encompassed within 5-7-10 year cycles. Are you absolutely sure that you're not talking in revisionist terms, now, at the 7 year mark, on a relationship that for maybe 1-4-5-6 of those years was basically ok? More to say about this, but maybe in another post. Before I go, I'd have to say, its pretty unlikely to have, by dumb luck, bumped into a man who's sex drive is as low as you say yours is. Low libido exists, I know it does, my ex wife was like this. As others have said, it might simply be the case of you being with the wrong man, your sex drive is dormant (as is his???), but it might not be the case. My ex, when we divorced, went on a binge and sexed up many many men, which, after a long and largely sexless marriage made me feel like her low libido was definitely a distaste for me - but, years, many years have passed now since my divorce and she's settled into a celibate lifestyle ... much as it was when she and I were married. So, genuine low libido does exist. But to have found a man who is also like this? The odds against it are enormous. Not that men can't have low libido's - plenty of posts here on LS from both sides of a relationship where that is the case. I'm really wondering if this is the wrong man for you at all? You might be feeling the 'itch' at this point, after 7 years, but if other things are basically sound, could mixing up your lives a bit, trying a new lifestyle really inject some life into your marriage? I mean, what is it that you are seeking? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 27, 2017 Share Posted March 27, 2017 I mean, what is it that you are seeking? Hope the OP answers this question. dotsandthings, do you see how this looks to an outsider? Married a man you never loved, brought children into the relationship, refuse to sleep with him (unclear why he accepts this ?), go along with the charade of building a house and now pulling the plug on your end - without telling him . While I'm sure it wasn't intentional, don't think you could have done a better job shafting him had you tried... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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