Dont marry if it isnt right for you.

[jacxie]

An article i came across, thought it's worth to share.

 

 

 

"Today my goal is to get you thinking about why we are still romanticizing the concept of marriage and love that lasts forever. In theory this seems like a grand idea, but in practice, not so much.

 

Here are some reasons why not:

 

1. Infidelity

 

Nothing, not even threat of death, has ever been able to stop people from cheating on each other. Cheating has always been a fact of life. Even though we know this, some of us are still looking around for that forever person and making that commitment with people whose history proves them unlikely to stay monogamous. Not only that, the community and church structures that used to shame someone into going back to their spouse when they strayed just aren’t there anymore. Today instead we encourage divorce, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that we have it worse now. Betrayal is a horrific blow to a person’s psyche and some people spend years trying and failing to get over it. Worse than that, betrayal syndrome is actually something that triggers behaviors that people end up in prison for.

 

2. Divorce

 

The existence of this option and the fact that the stigma attached to it has diminished over time, means that there is legal and societal acknowledgment that maybe marriage shouldn’t last forever. “Oh, but I’ll never get divorced” you say, “when I get married it will be forever”. Oh, precious one, you have no idea what the future holds for you or how much you may change or evolve as a person in your lifetime. The promises that you make now may become the burdens and great disappointments of your later life. Love does feel like it’s going to last forever initially, but that excitement and high eventually wear off. At that point you had better actually like each other as people and have some important life goals in common or you are in for a very rough ride. Also there is one VERY SERIOUS point that people tend to forget about marriage. A marriage involves two people; it won’t matter at all what your intentions are if your partner doesn’t feel the same way you do about staying together. Marriage is a breakable contract and promises are not legally binding just because we wish that they were.

 

3. Longevity

 

Science is making incredible progress on improving the quality of life, minimizing disease, and extending our productive years. We are now teetering on the edge of some pretty significant increases in life expectancy, and it’s not just about prolonging the periods of decline, it’s also about extending what we consider to be middle age. With proper diet and exercise we could be looking at life expectancies of up to 125 years. Now if we acknowledge that these changes might be coming, shouldn’t we reevaluate how we spend those years? Marriage was invented in a time when life expectancy was dramatically shorter and it made sense to create a social structure that would help support and protect the survival of the species at a time when mother and infant mortality were all too common. We don’t live in that world anymore. Every day we find new ways to protect and care for children, which means that staggering numbers of them are actually reaching adulthood today. The whole process is so much safer and more sanitary than it ever was before so, why are we still limiting the definitions of our lives to those traditions that made sense when life was so much shorter?

 

4. All the eggs in one basket

 

It is very common to see single people wax poetic about the day that they find that one special person who will always be there for them. The very real downside to the notion of this one perfect person is that that person could leave you, change towards you, or die. What are you left with then? Risk is mitigated when you stop expecting one person to be your be-all and end-all. For too long our culture, movies, and modern social constructs, etc., have put too much emphasis on that one serious life relationship, essentially creating unrealistic expectations of what one person is capable of being to another. Ask any divorced person why they got divorced and you will hear variations of stories of how their expectations were not met. There is something important that you need to take away from this, expectations are the poison of many relationships. Expectations are ONLY THOUGHTS that live in your own head on how YOU WANT the world to be. What we fail to realize is that no one else lives in our head or sees things exactly the same way we do so, everyone’s reality is different. The world may turn out to be vastly different than what we expected; the best way to survive and thrive in it is to accept those things that we cannot change.

 

5. Friendship/Companionship

 

Men and women seem to forget that when they become a married couple that there are still real, fundamental differences between them as people. It’s concerning to hear ladies looking for the level of emotional support and understanding that they can really only get from other women, from the men in their lives. By the same token, some men benefit from having a sports team to be passionate about or a hobby that allows them quiet time away from the rest of the world. Men sometimes need the company of other men to reset and contrary to popular opinion, this doesn’t mean they value their primary relationship any less. Oddly enough older generations seem better at understanding and accepting that men and women were never meant to be EVERYTHING to each other and that the existence of other types of relationships improved and did not detract from the primary relationship itself. Why are we not more open to the idea that same sex companionship is a real and valuable part of making people better adjusted and whole?

 

6. Comparison

 

Comparison is the thief of joy. The very real and dangerous downside to the way that everyone’s best life is currently on display online is that there is no way to escape from comparing your life to the lives of others. Even though we know that our friends and family are only showing us the most perfect parts of their lives and leaving out the bad parts, we can get overwhelmed by the sheer volume of over-share and forget that it’s not real. Technology has made the world dramatically smaller and we are exposed to realities and choices that prior generations never would have dreamed of because they lived in the same place with the same people all of their lives. Marriage made much more sense for the good of the community in the microcosms that used to exist, when doing whatever was necessary to ensure survival just plain trumped everything else. Today we are spoiled for choice, how do we know when we are supposed to settle down anymore?

 

7. Safety and Leisure

 

Survival is no longer the daily challenge that it used to be. Most of us never even have to worry about where our next meal will come from or if we will have a safe place to sleep tonight. There is however a minor downside to the safe and coddled lives we live now; we have no idea how to deal with hardships anymore. The current expectations on parents is that they protect their children from as much pain and as many consequences as they possibly can while they are growing up. This leaves children without the coping skills or understanding that real world is not easy or fair and that not everyone they meet will have their best interests at heart. Fairy tales seem even more possible to these children because they have been shielded from the hardships of life for so long. Sadly though, crime is real and people are mean and there is nothing that you can do about it but get better at dealing with it for yourself. The world is not going to change for you. Every generation needs to learn this lesson the hard way, though.

 

8. A Fairy Tale Wedding

 

Was it a wedding planner who said that you could tell if a marriage would last based on how seriously the bride took the wedding itself, to the detriment of her relationship with the groom? A huge industry has grown around the concept of a fairy tale wedding because there is big money to be made from it. Creating a real life dream for the little girl inside the bride has become the driving force of some weddings which makes you wonder if she wants the just wedding or the marriage itself too. The married relationship should always be the first priority, not the one day party the bride has been dreaming about since she was five.

 

The truth is that marriage has never been for everyone. We are fortunate today in that lifelong service to the church is not the only other option available to help ensure our survival. Although it may sound that way, I am not in fact anti-marriage. I applaud the articles on TC that realistically demonstrate how difficult marriage and relationships can be, yet still provide some hope. I cringe at the articles written by those hopelessly fraught with romantic fantasies of what they dream love and life are supposed to be like. I dispense tough love because you are stronger than you think you are and I know that you can handle it."

[jacxie]

Another article I came across today. Wanted to share, as a former mistress myself i totally agree with every single word in this article.

 

"To the girls who slept with the boys who had girlfriends. Especially to the girl who slept with the boy who used to be mine.

 

I don’t know how to talk to you. Rationally I know we can’t be that different, but at my very core I believe that there’s no common ground between girls like you and girls like me. I’m weirdly scared about approaching the elephant in the room; the thing we all know is going to be brought up. My basic instinct says to be polite and start with “hi,” but “hi” is so colloquial. It’s casual, breezy. It’s something you do to make other people feel comfortable.

 

And you know what? You don’t deserve to feel comfortable.

 

I, and the other girls who were the former, slighted girlfriends, do not owe you anything.

 

You are always so full of excuses as to why what went down is not your fault.

 

“Their relationship was already over long before I came along.”

“It just sort of happened.”

“It didn’t mean anything.”

“I had never felt like this before I met him.”

“It’s not like I meant to hurt her.”

You walk around, tossing your hair, talking about him in your Twitter bio, and acting like you’re unfazed by any of your past indiscretions. Like your one sentence answers are enough to rationalize your behavior. There is no way to convince me that what you did was okay or excusable.

 

You don’t get to justify your actions with the claims made by the untrustworthy half of the relationship — the guy that was never yours and who would very easily do to you what he did with you. You will never know both sides of the story, nor will you ever know what was truly happening in the relationship before you entered the picture, with legs spread.

 

You made a choice, a decision to barrel through a house she so meticulously built and you crushed anything and everything that stood in your way. No half of a story is going to change the fact that you participated in something that left her feeling humiliated, broken, used, and completely alone.

 

Your excuses are irrelevant.

 

You had a choice. There is always a moment when you can either say “Yes I will do this” — choosing to live with the consequences — or you walk away. Patrick Marber worded it perfectly when he had Alice say, “I don’t know when your moment was, but I bet there was one.”

 

Maybe you’re at peace with the consequences. Maybe you’re fine with your choices.

 

But just know that if you try to call yourself a feminist while you simultaneously and actively participate in infidelity, I will not only brand you with a scarlet letter, but also with a big sign that says “hypocrite.” You are giving in to the societal pressures that pin girls against one another. You are responsible for making it too tempting to slut-shame, to hate you. We should be building each other up, not competing for what the other has. You are making competitions where there weren’t any and frankly shouldn’t be any. This was not a game of Finders Keepers. And even if we are childish enough to call this a game, you wouldn’t have won because, simply put, you were not there first.

 

You act like he was some sort of prize to be claimed. You talk about your nights together like they’re out of some novel that would shoot to the top of the best sellers list in the category of erotica. You spin stories of your relationship talking about how magical it was but all you’re doing is making the reality of being someone’s side piece easier to swallow. You don’t get to romanticize your relationship. You were the other woman. It’s as simple as that.

 

You need to own that you did a ****ty thing and apologize for it. And not in an “I’m sorry for falling in love,” tele novella kind of way. You owe it to us — the girls who didn’t know their boyfriends were stabbing them in the back — to not pretend like what you did was acceptable.

 

The beginning of making amends is admitting that you have made a mistake.

 

When I — or when we — reach out to you, write about you, or talk about you, we’re not looking for sympathy or to get his attention. We want yours. He is not in the picture anymore. Most of us — and I say “most” because I can’t speak for everyone — don’t even want him back even though that’s what you so judgmentally tell people when you speak so ignorantly about us.

 

We want an apology.

 

We want an acknowledgement that you would never want to go through what we lived through. That there is a bit of regret for what you decided to do in your moment. We want you to admit that you did something bad, specifically to us, and to own up to it.

 

If you could at least do that, and do it like an adult, then maybe we could stop waking up from fitful, restless sleeps wanting to slap you across the face.

 

We’re working towards forgiving you. We just aren’t there yet.

 

But if you could apologize, we would be one step closer."

[jacxie]

I was sitting today and I thought "I think that marriage isn't for me", I've analyzed all the reasons why I've chosen to see this married guy.

1. He was (in my eyes) very attractive and successful (in real life he'd be my type).

2. I was bored.

3. I liked the attention.

4. Ego boost.

I won't say I liked his personality, because how do I know when and if he was real?

 

I was selfish. This is the main thing EVERY mistress or manstress have to admit.

So, after realizing what I really did, another aspect I've realized was that my affair wasn't even real. I don't want to know HOW MANY LIES I've heard. Yes, they lie. They do LIE a lot to get what they want. It's not reality, do you think you'd be happy with him in a real relationship? Do you ever thought how it'd be if you and him were a couple? Remember that affairs aren't real and this what you have with a married person isn't a relationship.

 

It's very rare that people cheat because they don't love their partners or family. They, instead of fixing what's broken, choose to find it elsewhere. If you were married, would you ever betray your spouse? I bet the answer is no. So why to agree to be a part of their game, yes this is a game - their one, not yours. You don't have the last word, you receive a little, not everything.

 

I am so mad I let myself to be a part of this game. Honestly, I am truly disgusted by myself. But I know why this happened, I know what triggered my behavior and now I either fix it or stay broken forever. Affairs aren't ok, affairs aren't healthy, affair is a huge time waster. So you don't agree to be a side dish. And don't be selfish, they are already taken, you wouldn't want to be at their partner's place, would you? So stop it now and go seek help (as I did) to understand what pushed you to do such a disgusting thing.

[RecentChange]

I don't know. I have been cheated on, and I have been the cheater.

 

When I was cheated on, it was never about her. Honestly I didn't give a s*** about her, not enough to really even get angry at her, and certainly didn't think about her enough to ponder forgiveness or not.

 

It was about him. He was the one that was in a relationship with me. He was the one that broke promises and lied. He was the one who betryaed me. Her? Could have been any one - she was just available.

 

And when I cheated, it was with a MM, perhaps his wife would have all these feelings about me - yes, I did not resist her husband's advances. Yes I was a bad person doing wrong - if it wasn't me, it would have been someone else.

 

I have never thought that the OW should be the focus of vitriol. There will always be available OW, the key is your relationship.

[CaliforniaGirl]

Honestly, I don't think anybody needs to defend not wanting to get married with a long list. We don't really NEED to get married nowadays I the way we used to. We are more independent and can now marry as choice rather than cultural pressure, ability to obtain sex in an accepted way, etc., etc.

 

IMO the only people who should get married are the people who really, really want to, just because that is the specific way they want to express their deep commitment. (It is not the only way to express commitment but it is one way.)

 

We still have some wrinkles to iron out, like rights that are currently only given to spouses, but I feel some day we will have all this worked out and finally, nobody will ever feel they "have to" or "should" get married again. If they don't they will do it because it feels beautiful and meaningful to them and that's it.

[jacxie]

I don't know. I have been cheated on, and I have been the cheater.

 

When I was cheated on, it was never about her. Honestly I didn't give a s*** about her, not enough to really even get angry at her, and certainly didn't think about her enough to ponder forgiveness or not.

 

It was about him. He was the one that was in a relationship with me. He was the one that broke promises and lied. He was the one who betryaed me. Her? Could have been any one - she was just available.

 

And when I cheated, it was with a MM, perhaps his wife would have all these feelings about me - yes, I did not resist her husband's advances. Yes I was a bad person doing wrong - if it wasn't me, it would have been someone else.

 

I have never thought that the OW should be the focus of vitriol. There will always be available OW, the key is your relationship.

 

I totally agree with you, but it was still a choice. Well we're manipulated by married spouses and we fell for it, that's for sure. But we are still a part of it, sometimes for very, very long years. I woke up quite early but some affairs last, for example 10 years.

[jacxie]

Honestly, I don't think anybody needs to defend not wanting to get married with a long list. We don't really NEED to get married nowadays I the way we used to. We are more independent and can now marry as choice rather than cultural pressure, ability to obtain sex in an accepted way, etc., etc.

 

IMO the only people who should get married are the people who really, really want to, just because that is the specific way they want to express their deep commitment. (It is not the only way to express commitment but it is one way.)

 

We still have some wrinkles to iron out, like rights that are currently only given to spouses, but I feel some day we will have all this worked out and finally, nobody will ever feel they "have to" or "should" get married again. If they don't they will do it because it feels beautiful and meaningful to them and that's it.

 

 

Yup, that's right. And it's also important not to marry too quick, think about all the pros and cons, try to picture yourself with this person in the next 20-30 years, get to know each other very well and don't be selfish and don't do it for publicity.

[somanymistakes]

It's not just about men/women being different, it's about people being different. Same-sex couples have problems too if they expect a single partner to be absolutely everything in their life for 80 years.

 

No one's ever going to be the absolute perfect match for you in every respect. Even YOU wouldn't be the absolute perfect match for yourself, you have flaws that would drive yourself crazy in time. Most people need friends and hobbies outside their marriage, as well as a loyal and trustworthy partner to support them and listen to them even when they don't always completely understand.

 

One of the tricky parts, of course, is balancing those other friendships without getting tangled up in affairs...