Does anyone else have trouble attracting their "type"?

[basil67]

I totally get what you mean..but I'm the opposite. I'm clean cut and straightlaced, in shape....some might look at me and think I'm a little high maintenance, because I'm girly and wear dresses and heels and don't have much of an edge. I'm attracted largely to the opposite guy. Laid back, edgy, eccentric and kind of a "thrown together" look, unkept...

 

 

Very opposite physically...dunno what to do

 

I canceled another date with a sweetheart. I literally refuse to go out if it's anything less than what I want...I won't settle because being alone is preferable to that

 

You would rather be alone than date someone who doesn't have the look you want. I have no words.

 

I was thinking about what my 'type' is. I would say "a man with a kind face"

[mrs rubble]

I totally get what you mean..but I'm the opposite. I'm clean cut and straightlaced, in shape....some might look at me and think I'm a little high maintenance, because I'm girly and wear dresses and heels and don't have much of an edge. I'm attracted largely to the opposite guy. Laid back, edgy, eccentric and kind of a "thrown together" look, unkept...

 

 

Very opposite physically...dunno what to do

 

I canceled another date with a sweetheart. I literally refuse to go out if it's anything less than what I want...I won't settle because being alone is preferable to that

Wow! It sounds like your "type" is the bad boy type....and you turned down a date with a "sweetheart" because he doesn't look edgy, eccentric, unkempt and thrown together. Be careful what you wish for. How someone treats you is way more important than the way they dress or look.

[BFH]

I totally get what you mean..but I'm the opposite. I'm clean cut and straightlaced, in shape....some might look at me and think I'm a little high maintenance, because I'm girly and wear dresses and heels and don't have much of an edge. I'm attracted largely to the opposite guy. Laid back, edgy, eccentric and kind of a "thrown together" look, unkept...

 

 

Very opposite physically...dunno what to do

 

I canceled another date with a sweetheart. I literally refuse to go out if it's anything less than what I want...I won't settle because being alone is preferable to that

 

I think you are making my point, but not sure...

 

I'd imagine that the typical guy you describe wouldn't see you as a prospect, or maybe if they had attraction physically, only for a hookup..But I dunno....I know most guys aren't as picky as women when they choose a sex partner..And they'll play along in order to get it...for how long though ?

 

I have my own physical qualifications, not so much because of shallowness , but just that I have no desire to be with someone with an opposite life direction ideologically to mine, in general..

 

Sounds like you probably can find it, but its not going to be as easy as if you had an open mind...I can relate..

[Miss Spider]

What exactly do you like?

 

I don't think it's wrong to find very few guys attractive (or at least significantly attractive to the point where you want a relationship with them). However, because the odds aren't exactly in your favour, there are a few things that you need in order for this to work for you:

(1) your preferences need to be at least synergistic with the traits that would actually stand a LTR in good stead

(2) those guys need to have a higher than average chance of finding YOU attractive

(3) you need to be okay with being single for long periods of time

(4) you need to know where to find them - OLD might not be the answer

 

In my three decades of life, I've been strongly attracted to fewer men than I can count on my fingers. I don't think it was necessarily a bad thing. In fact, I think it was a good filter, weeding through all the ones that would certainly not work. I've only dated three men, but each of them turned into a R that lasted a decent amount of time - 10 months for the shortest and many years for the longest (my current partner).

 

I have never and will never do OLD. To me, it is the exact antithesis of what I want - it's all about the quantity IMO.

 

Thank you. This was very helpful. I'm the same way. Only a handful my entire life and one" "ltr" ...I probably need to work on 2. and 4. the most. The ideal guy I want probably is not on OLD as it's he feels it's the antithesis of what he wants.

[Miss Spider]

I think you are making my point, but not sure...

 

I'd imagine that the typical guy you describe wouldn't see you as a prospect, or maybe if they had attraction physically, only for a hookup..But I dunno....I know most guys aren't as picky as women when they choose a sex partner..And they'll play along in order to get it...for how long though ?

 

I have my own physical qualifications, not so much because of shallowness , but just that I have no desire to be with someone with an opposite life direction ideologically to mine, in general..

 

Sounds like you probably can find it, but its not going to be as easy as if you had an open mind...I can relate..

 

Do you know what I can do to change so they see me as a prospect??

[Miss Spider]

Wow! It sounds like your "type" is the bad boy type....and you turned down a date with a "sweetheart" because he doesn't look edgy, eccentric, unkempt and thrown together. Be careful what you wish for. How someone treats you is way more important than the way they dress or look.

 

Bad boy??? No way. I like quiet, shy men. Bookish types. I don't know why what I described sounds bad boy? Hmm. I also don't know why people stereotype personality so much on dress, but I guess it's in our nature sometimes

 

 

Basil, is being alone really so bad?

 

You guys really think I should have went out and had this man I'm not attracted to buy me dinner, sit through an awkward conversation, and then have to make an excuse of how I had a nice night but can't see him again???

[basil67]

Basil, is being alone really so bad?

 

You guys really think I should have went out and had this man I'm not attracted to buy me dinner, sit through an awkward conversation, and then have to make an excuse of how I had a nice night but can't see him again???

 

No, it's the fact that you're rather be alone than open your mind to other men which is bad.

 

I don't think you should have gone out with this guy and wasted his time. I think that you should work on not being so shallow in your preferences.

[mrs rubble]

Bad boy??? No way. I like quiet, shy men. Bookish types. I don't know why what I described sounds bad boy? Hmm. I also don't know why people stereotype personality so much on dress, but I guess it's in our nature sometimes

 

 

Basil, is being alone really so bad?

 

You guys really think I should have went out and had this man I'm not attracted to buy me dinner, sit through an awkward conversation, and then have to make an excuse of how I had a nice night but can't see him again???

Most "bad boy" types look unkempt etc. IMO, that's why I concluded that was your "type".

You will never know if you would have had to endure an "awkward conversation", you called him a "sweetheart" so his online personality must have been somewhat attractive, and you will never know if you could have found his looks and personality attractive IRL- both are very hard to determine online. No you shouldn't have had him buy you dinner, you should have met him for a coffee or a drink to ascertain whether there was any real life attraction.

It's a bit like shopping for a new dress online, looks good in the pictures, the price is right, but once it's delivered- it may not fit you right.

I think you need to be more open minded.

[Imajerk17]

Bad boy??? No way. I like quiet, shy men. Bookish types. I don't know why what I described sounds bad boy? Hmm. I also don't know why people stereotype personality so much on dress, but I guess it's in our nature sometimes

 

 

Basil, is being alone really so bad?

 

You guys really think I should have went out and had this man I'm not attracted to buy me dinner, sit through an awkward conversation, and then have to make an excuse of how I had a nice night but can't see him again???

 

So on the one hand, you like quiet, shy, and bookish, and on the other hand, you like edgy and unkempt. Kind of a rare combination to find in one guy…

 

I think SevenCity was right on the money. It sounds to me that you are not taking responsibility for your actions and expectations. Thing is, you'd have a lot more success if you did some things differently:

 

1. At least put some thought into your profile. Write something in there so that the guys you'd be interested in have something to go on. Perhaps even describe what you are looking for. It is baffling to me that you'd expect to be able to attract the guy of your dreams without putting in some effort.

 

2. Stop blocking the guys you are interested in out of embarrassment How can the guy of your dreams contact you if you blocked him??

 

3. Stop wasting others time and don't schedule any more dates with guys you are not interested in.

 

Meanwhile be aware of this: Most people say that *in-person* chemistry is elusive, and doesn't have that much to do with the profile. If you are doing this much whittling down of prospects beforehand, then it may be that much longer before you meet someone you do connect with, in real life. Someone you would have connected with got weeded out in the profile stage.

[BFH]

Do you know what I can do to change so they see me as a prospect??

 

Coming from a different perspective than those you described, I guess I really can't say for sure..

 

My guess is that you will probably find some common ground with someone who has some of your desired qualities, but is also "kind of " straight laced in other ways...

 

Trying to fit square pegs into round holes might be fun for a while, but when you start talking about long term and living together, etc, then practicality starts to trump those other qualities..

 

Im not saying go for the "safe guy",that you dont like, but keep somewhat of an open mind..I guess..

 

I'm having trouble trying to give advice, as I have a very rigid physical look that I adhere to, and really doint deviate.....So I get where you are coming from...and dont want to be a hypocrite..

Edited March 26, 2017 by BFH

[Miss Spider]

Most "bad boy" types look unkempt etc. IMO, that's why I concluded that was your "type".

You will never know if you would have had to endure an "awkward conversation", you called him a "sweetheart" so his online personality must have been somewhat attractive, and you will never know if you could have found his looks and personality attractive IRL- both are very hard to determine online. No you shouldn't have had him buy you dinner, you should have met him for a coffee or a drink to ascertain whether there was any real life attraction.

It's a bit like shopping for a new dress online, looks good in the pictures, the price is right, but once it's delivered- it may not fit you right.

I think you need to be more open minded.

 

 

You're right..unkempt was the wrong word. Just not "polished, clean cut financial analysts in suit with perfect jawline and 5 o clock shadow" types that tend to like me. But it's not every guy like that. He has to have a certain face...like basil said, a kind face.

 

Also true what you said about looking better(or not as good) on the hanger than when you try it on...I try to be open minded..I really do. He was super sweet but I can tell even by his interests we aren't a real match. I wish I wasn't selective.

 

 

Thanks you guys for the advice

[Miss Spider]

Coming from a different perspective than those you described, I guess I really can't say for sure..

 

My guess is that you will probably find some common ground with someone who has some of your desired qualities, but is also "kind of " straight laced in other ways...

 

Trying to fit square pegs into round holes might be fun for a while, but when you start talking about long term and living together, etc, then practicality starts to trump those other qualities..

 

Im not saying go for the "safe guy",that you dont like, but keep somewhat of an open mind..I guess..

 

I'm having trouble trying to give advice, as I have a very rigid physical look that I adhere to, and really doint deviate.....So I get where you are coming from...and dont want to be a hypocrite..

 

Thanks for understanding. The few of my types who have asked me out l, we ran into the compatibility problem, so I stopped seeing them. They were just too laid back it got annoying. I think one last fall thought I was nuts, but he reminded me of my ex so I kept breaking up with him. More than physical, people tend to stereotype personality traits based on appearance. I can't get many to approach me, even online. I wonder if I should start beginning conversations with men. Thanks.

[Miss Spider]

Cookie - you have some issues that need to be addressed before dating.

 

You mentioned swiping - are you on tinder or bumble?

 

I like bumble as it puts the owness on the woman and forces the interaction.

 

Yet, when they do reach out it's usually "Hey". If nothing is in your profile it gives a guy little to go on.

 

And then you block guys because you get embarrassed? What's that all about?

 

You can open yourself up to another type but you will be better served by dating those who are your type or at least possess a lot of the qualities.

 

You have to decide though, do you want company or a lasting RL? If the latter I would say to keep swiping or date casually.

 

I have a pretty specific type myself. I'm open to others but the connection I have with my type is always much stronger.

 

I'm on tinder and okc now. Bumble guys seem like the pretty boy type in my area. They were all beautiful and I matched and talked with them but they weren't my type. Plus I embarrassed myself by telling them I wanted casual. So I left there.

 

I liked Bumble because it forced women to say "hey" first. (Lol that was always my smooth opener) Now I'm on other sites I have match with some guys I find kind of attractive but they either aren't good at conversation or they don't message me.

 

How do you feel about women on tinder messaging you first? What kind of message do you prefer to get? I want a lasting relationship.

[curiouslysearching]

I think having preconceived notions going into a date or meeting

can be harmful. If you just kinda LET IT HAPPEN if you have a

good feeling about someone then you might get better results.

I would say that women are equally as difficult to meet. Women

who can have fun and let their down without being too straight

laced.

[Miss Spider]

 

I'm having trouble trying to give advice, as I have a very rigid physical look that I adhere to, and really doint deviate.....So I get where you are coming from...and dont want to be a hypocrite..

Do you have difficulty finding these women you are attracted to? Are they opposite to you?

[Imajerk17]

I'm on tinder and okc now. Bumble guys seem like the pretty boy type in my area. They were all beautiful and I matched and talked with them but they weren't my type. Plus I embarrassed myself by telling them I wanted casual. So I left there.

 

I liked Bumble because it forced women to say "hey" first. (Lol that was always my smooth opener) Now I'm on other sites I have match with some guys I find kind of attractive but they either aren't good at conversation or they don't message me.

 

How do you feel about women on tinder messaging you first? What kind of message do you prefer to get? I want a lasting relationship.

Then why are you on Tinder?

 

Tinder for people in their 20s is primarily a hookup site. I don't think you will find many relationship-oriented guys there.

[Miss Spider]

So on the one hand, you like quiet, shy, and bookish, and on the other hand, you like edgy and unkempt. Kind of a rare combination to find in one guy…

 

I think SevenCity was right on the money. It sounds to me that you are not taking responsibility for your actions and expectations. Thing is, you'd have a lot more success if you did some things differently:

 

1. At least put some thought into your profile. Write something in there so that the guys you'd be interested in have something to go on. Perhaps even describe what you are looking for. It is baffling to me that you'd expect to be able to attract the guy of your dreams without putting in some effort.

 

2. Stop blocking the guys you are interested in out of embarrassment How can the guy of your dreams contact you if you blocked him??

 

3. Stop wasting others time and don't schedule any more dates with guys you are not interested in.

 

Meanwhile be aware of this: Most people say that *in-person* chemistry is elusive, and doesn't have that much to do with the profile. If you are doing this much whittling down of prospects beforehand, then it may be that much longer before you meet someone you do connect with, in real life. Someone you would have connected with got weeded out in the profile stage.

 

Thank you for the advice

 

1. I know if I had a profile I'd have a little more success and be less likely to be called a bot or catfish. I'm working on a profile, but I don't want to be pidgeonholed by having one. A lot might assume by my interests etc that I wouldn't be into them.

 

2. I always mess up conversations they start because I get so nervous. One asked me what my favorite books were and I just blocked him because I didn't want to say the wrong thing. I know I have to fix this.

 

3 I'm not settling for a guy who is not my type anymore, imajerk. What would be the point of that? I went out on a date several days ago and I knew going into it that the guy was NOT my type. Not to mention he was scared to meet me and almost blew me off. In person we had no chemistry and I kept thinking how I'm not into him...I wanna go home.

[Miss Spider]

Then why are you on Tinder?

 

Tinder for people in their 20s is primarily a hookup site. I don't think you will find many relationship-oriented guys there.

 

What sites should I be on?

[curiouslysearching]

No, it's the fact that you're rather be alone than open your mind to other men which is bad.

 

I don't think you should have gone out with this guy and wasted his time. I think that you should work on not being so shallow in your preferences.

 

I would consider what she is saying to be shallow. I am much the same

in that I prefer intelligence, looks, being athletic and adventurous. Truth

the told, we all have our individual criteria

[Imajerk17]

What sites should I be on?

 

You may have better luck on Match. But regardless of where you meet a guy, if you truly are what he his looking for he will want to make you his girlfriend. Meanwhile your first email should be one line pertaining to something in his profile.

 

I just saw your response to my last post. Yeah...I guess my overall impression (this and your other threads) is that it seems that you are not really thinking things through. You just seem all over the map. A few weeks ago you wrote a thread about how you aren't looking for a relationship and now you say you are. Are you sure you really should even be dating right now?

[Miss Spider]

You may have better luck on Match. But regardless of where you meet a guy, if you truly are what he his looking for he will want to make you his girlfriend. Meanwhile your first email should be one line pertaining to something in his profile.

 

I just saw your response to my last post. Yeah...I guess my overall impression (this and your other threads) is that it seems that you are not really thinking things through. You just seem all over the map. A few weeks ago you wrote a thread about how you aren't looking for a relationship and now you say you are. Are you sure you really should even be dating right now?

Thanks. That's what i was thinking... because I told a guy on tinder I wanted casual and he said he's looking for something more long term....we're still talking

Edited March 26, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[curiouslysearching]

Don't change Cookie you are priceless and you will eventually realize it....

[Miss Spider]

Don't change Cookie you are priceless and you will eventually realize it....

 

Thank you :') for all your support!!!

[SevenCity]

I'm on tinder and okc now. Bumble guys seem like the pretty boy type in my area. They were all beautiful and I matched and talked with them but they weren't my type. Plus I embarrassed myself by telling them I wanted casual. So I left there.

 

I liked Bumble because it forced women to say "hey" first. (Lol that was always my smooth opener) Now I'm on other sites I have match with some guys I find kind of attractive but they either aren't good at conversation or they don't message me.

 

How do you feel about women on tinder messaging you first? What kind of message do you prefer to get? I want a lasting relationship.

 

I like it when women reach out first. The only reason I wouldn't reply is if I accidentally superliked them (which happens when I try to swipe left) or if upon closer inspection I decided I too hastily swiped right.

 

Lately I've gotten burned out and dating so much I'm not actively looking for new ones. If a really good match reached out to me I would jump on it though. Try something more than "Hey" - it's so hypocritical to me as so many women complain about that. Try something like "I really liked that pic with you doing X, where did you take that?" Easy and shows you have put in some effort. But no info on you and a "Hey" would not encourage a lot of guys to respond.

 

You said you blocked because you told them you were looking for casual. Which one is it? LTR or hookups?

 

I think it's a good idea to determine what it is you actually want before dating as you seem all over the map.

 

Also as mentioned put what you are looking for in your profile. Most guys don't read them but for those that do it would be a good thing as they might not think they have a chance with you and won't swipe right as a result.

[todreaminblue]

You would rather be alone than date someone who doesn't have the look you want. I have no words.

 

I was thinking about what my 'type' is. I would say "a man with a kind face"

 

to me kind faces ....kind of glow dont they? an inner zeal.....a softness.....i like kind faces too.....and kind voices...and they are undeniably obvious to me....