kgal Posted July 27, 2005 Share Posted July 27, 2005 Do you believe that once a man cheats... theres no turning around and he will just keep doing it? How about if he meets someone who he really and truly loves.. will he cheat on that person? Is this a sickness? Do ppl in relationships with a SO who has a past history of cheating have a good chance for a successful and healthy partnership? I can't stop thinking where he was last night. He didnt call, text, or message me on IM. I get so frustrated being so far away... I don't know what to do.. its hard to sleep and I have cried alot from the way he's behaving. I have to call him later on to find out where he was... it's just going to eat me alive if I don't. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted July 27, 2005 Share Posted July 27, 2005 If you take away the factors that make a person want to cheat in a relationship, they won't. The trick is figuring out what those factors are. If you want to stop a behavior like cheating you have to do it two ways: identify and alter/remove the triggers for the behavior, and set down very strong repercussions for acting on that behavior. Sometimes those factors are some missing thing inside the cheater themselves that they seek to fill through that behavior. Sometimes it is their perception of some sort of flaw or void in the relationship. Change those factors, and the cheating behavior is no longer needed. You'll have to pinpoint what it is that got him cheating the first time. Does he have problems from his past to deal with: weak parental figures, abuse, etc? If not, was he dissatisfied with the relationship he had with you in any way? Has the relationship gone back to the way it was? If you forgave him, and the relationship went back to the way it was before he cheated - then the factors that made him cheat are still there. Is his will power strong enough to resist cheating again? Hard to say. Depends on how much he thinks he can get away with, and how much he truly stands to lose. If your boyfriend is young - say early twenties or below, then it could be a matter of 'right time, wrong place, wrong person' impulsive behavior that is inherent in brains that have not fully developed in the frontal lobes in terms of impulse control. I'm not saying that he was helpless - he could have chosen not to cheat, but if he were young - it can explain why it would have been harder to control given a greater propensity to impulsive behavior paired with the idea that you somehow wouldn't find out. Before you jump the gun, do some asking around to see if anyone might have some info on where he was. Are you on good terms with his other friends/acquaintances? Link to post Share on other sites
Author kgal Posted July 27, 2005 Author Share Posted July 27, 2005 A little about his past... He's divorced and has children. The reason they divorced is because he cheated on her. He told me he wasn't in love with her anymore. They were high school sweethearts and he got her pregnant.. so they got married. They did have more children after that first one, though. I've noticed subtle yet noticable changes in his behavior towards me. He use to be very energetic around me and I could tell he wanted this relationship to work. Now... I feel like he has become lazy.. he doesn't communicate as much. He's 38 and I'm 25... so there is quite an age difference.... but that doesn't seem to be the problem. I am still waiting to find out where he was last night. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted July 27, 2005 Share Posted July 27, 2005 Ouch. That's not sounding too good. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kgal Posted July 29, 2005 Author Share Posted July 29, 2005 Yeah.. him having a cheating background only makes me think these thoughts! If he had never cheated... I prob. wouldn't think them. Sometimes I wonder if he loves me. He says he does... but actions speak louder than words, dont they? I'm just waiting for the best time to talk to him about it. I want to know what is going on.. I dont want him to play mind games w/me!! Link to post Share on other sites
SoftDrink Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 the "symptoms" you describe aren't necessarily cheating, though...it is possible he is just losing interest in your LDR. hope it works out. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 Generally I am of the opinion that a chronic or more than once cheater will generally only stop for certain when they have actively felt pain (and not just remorse) from their cheating. Either they got dumped for it, or the story became public, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kgal Posted July 29, 2005 Author Share Posted July 29, 2005 Today he told me he was going to the lake for the weekend. The first thing that I wanted to ask after hearing that was, "WHO WITH?!" I then thought... "Wait... If I act all bothered and insecure.. it might not be good for our 'ship." Afterall... trust is important between two ppl who have feelings for each other. I can't stop wondering what's going on, though. I add it all up... how he hasn't been communicating the way he used to... + how when I asked if we can hook up when I come there next week, he said..."Not sure"... + I asked if I could call tonight and he's like, "Of course,, but the signal may not work." Someone tell me there's still hope for us. Link to post Share on other sites
SoftDrink Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 asking "who's going too" is a normal question to ask your boyfriend who is going away for the weekend. if my boyfriend says he going to the movies, i ask who with. most of the time it's not even out of curiosity, it's just a question. and usually, he asks me to go anyway. you're in a bad situation if you feel like asking that kind of question will cause a problem. he's probably wondering why you didn't ask. the fact that he didn't offer the info on his own is very suspicious. lose this guy. even if he's not cheating, he's a selfish jackass. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kgal Posted July 29, 2005 Author Share Posted July 29, 2005 Well... I normally do ask him who he's going with. Usually he goes w/his kids when he's back in town. I'm pretty sure he went w/them. Otherwise, why would he even bother telling me if he was doing "something bad"... and going w/another woman? I plan to ask him who he went with next time we talk. I didn't want to come across as insecure.. I guess that's another reason I acted cool about it. The past few days I have been txting, emailing, Im-ing, and calling... so I thought I should back off a bit and not seem like an interrigator. I need to talk to him... I know once we have a heart to heart... I will know where things are headed. Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 Always go with your gut. Link to post Share on other sites
SoftDrink Posted July 30, 2005 Share Posted July 30, 2005 Originally posted by kgal Well... I normally do ask him who he's going with. Usually he goes w/his kids when he's back in town. I'm pretty sure he went w/them. Otherwise, why would he even bother telling me if he was doing "something bad"... and going w/another woman? I plan to ask him who he went with next time we talk. I didn't want to come across as insecure.. I guess that's another reason I acted cool about it. The past few days I have been txting, emailing, Im-ing, and calling... so I thought I should back off a bit and not seem like an interrigator. I need to talk to him... I know once we have a heart to heart... I will know where things are headed. well, wouldn't he say "i'm taking the kids to the lake this weekend"? asking him who he is with is not insecurity. more importantly, why wouldn't he bother telling you where you where he was going? part of being a couple means not disappearing for days withouth letting the other know where they will be. and even if he was doing something bad, he of course would say where he was going, he would just leave the bad part out. i think you should say "hey, honey, i just packed my bags and i'm coming too. i miss you and i'm so bored here." see how fast he tries to stop you, and how many reasons he finds for you not to come. i don't know about this guy. i would not put up with this kind of shyt. all signs point to trouble, whether he's cheating or not. Link to post Share on other sites
AleroGurl Posted July 30, 2005 Share Posted July 30, 2005 my ex was a cheater...and i think he cheated on me as well(he cheatd on his ex with me...trust me. something i remorsely regret!!) i think depending on their maturity level, they will do it again. ppl who are insecure need to fill something they are missing and they fill it with cheating..why?! if i knew i wouldnt be depressed over my ex right now! but back to the main thing.... u cant be afraid to ask thsi guy whats up. you as his other has that right to kno. if he gets jumpy and all weird, then kick him to the curb. he should be telling u things, where hes going and who with, etc. dont let soem guy get u feeling this way. it is NOT worth the drama or the stress. Trust me on that!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author kgal Posted July 30, 2005 Author Share Posted July 30, 2005 Thanks you guys. I feel alot better and I'm going to ask some questions next time I talk to him. I was going to call tonight... I still may... I just hope I can get a hold of him. As for me saying to him that I'll meet him up there, I can't since I'm in Michigan and he's in Neb. right now. I was supposed to come there tom. but I won't get there til Thurs. (he may or may not be there)... Trusting my gut is a good idea... I think I'll stick with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kgal Posted July 30, 2005 Author Share Posted July 30, 2005 Well... I kinda knew this would happen... but I called and he didn't answer. I think it's just cuz he can't get a signal. (Thats what I want to believe anyway).... I said on the message that I was just callin to say "hi" and I "will talk to him later".... Looks like it's his turn now. Link to post Share on other sites
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