Ex meetup question?

[ranaak]

So my ex texted me to meet up with her at a show.

 

This is after several months of NC.

 

Went to meet up and she was with a group of friends, male and female.I was initially under the impression that it would be a one on one meet up., but I didn't pry or ask her reasons for coming with a group.

 

We didn't get much chance or time to talk. Maybe 2 minutes? The group she was with was going to eat, I wasn't invited and didn't invite myself. We spoke very briefly, I was cool, and pretty even keel. She was hard to read, but seemed slightly sad? No crazy outburst or emotion from either of us.

 

I left, then I texted her the next day saying that I'd like to meet up at chat at some point where we would have more time to talk.

 

 

I haven't heard anything back.

 

Yall help me out, especially women here, I need female perspective. What is going on in this situation?

 

Why would she reach out to meet up, then create a situation where we couldn't really interact? What should I do at this point?

[Telemachus]

She didn't text you asking to meet when she knew you wouldn't have time together. It isn't as if she made an appointment for you to spend a half hour with her in her closed-door office. This was at a show, and of course other people were around. The situation was fluid. It didn't happen the way you expected it would. Your expectation of privacy in meeting her at a very public place should have been different. You set yourself up to be disappointed. Your expectations were unrealistic, because you expected something other than what she offered.

 

"like to meet up and chat at some point" (what you texted to her) absolutely is not an invitation from you. If you want to spend some time with her alone, invite her. Be specific as to date, time, place, and amount of time, when you invite her. She'll say yes or no. If she says yes, she'll show up or she won't.

 

She wanted to see you and talk. She invited you. You saw each other and talked. She kept her word, and followed through. If you want something different, you have to ask her. You haven't asked.

[Sweetfish]

So my ex texted me to meet up with her at a show.

 

This is after several months of NC.

 

Went to meet up and she was with a group of friends, male and female.I was initially under the impression that it would be a one on one meet up., but I didn't pry or ask her reasons for coming with a group.

 

We didn't get much chance or time to talk. Maybe 2 minutes? The group she was with was going to eat, I wasn't invited and didn't invite myself. We spoke very briefly, I was cool, and pretty even keel. She was hard to read, but seemed slightly sad? No crazy outburst or emotion from either of us.

 

I left, then I texted her the next day saying that I'd like to meet up at chat at some point where we would have more time to talk.

 

 

I haven't heard anything back.

 

Yall help me out, especially women here, I need female perspective. What is going on in this situation?

 

Why would she reach out to meet up, then create a situation where we couldn't really interact? What should I do at this point?

 

 

 

I'm not to sure why people on L.S. do this...

 

They have a forum with people to give them advice on situations...

 

though it maybe good or bad advice...the members can give you different perspectives; However, the member makes moves on emotions and feelings instead of rationale and get themselves in a worse position and than ask for help after the damage...when the damage could have been avoided to ones self.

 

To answer.. in my perspective what happened... she missed you...but has no motive to get back with you and used her friends to defuse any deep conversation that may evolve if you two were alone in hind sight.

 

You should have stand your ground in N.C. and asked what her motive was to meet before shifting the power to her.

[magnesium]

Sorry dude. It sounds like she needed an ego boost and used you for that purpose.

[ranaak]

Thanks for the replies yall.

 

Good points Telemachus.

 

" If you want something different, you have to ask her. You haven't asked. "

10-4. Solid. Will do.

 

Sweetfish, your question on "why people do this" is a bit lost on me.

 

This is a reconciliation forum. I had a question about something that was related to reconciliation? Apologies if I posted in the wrong section. I'm not sure if my post came out as I intended. Although I asked for advice in what to do from this point, my main question was just perspective on why a girl would do this , what she was thinking, her purpose in wanting to meet up etc.

 

I liked your perspective and think it is pretty accurate. It's probably true in that I haven't let her know yet that I do want to reconcile. That was my grievance over the whole of the situation. Yes, I had expectations that I would get more than 2 minutes of her time. I didn't go into details about the meet up, but it wasn't as much of a case of me being an idiot with over-expectations as it was a confluence of several different factors that contributed to a less than ideal situation.

I got the strong impression that she too was a bit dissapointed in the brevity of the meetup, of course it is impossible to tell.

 

Mag, thanks man, I neglected to mention that I was already going to the venue, she contracted me about meeting me there. Wasn't as if I ran up to see her.

Edited March 26, 2017 by ranaak

[whatdeww18]

Thanks for the replies yall.

 

Good points Telemachus.

 

" If you want something different, you have to ask her. You haven't asked. "

10-4. Solid. Will do.

 

Sweetfish, your question on "why people do this" is a bit lost on me.

 

This is a reconciliation forum. I had a question about something that was related to reconciliation? Apologies if I posted in the wrong section. I'm not sure if my post came out as I intended. Although I asked for advice in what to do from this point, my main question was just perspective on why a girl would do this , what she was thinking, her purpose in wanting to meet up etc.

 

I liked your perspective and think it is pretty accurate. It's probably true in that I haven't let her know yet that I do want to reconcile. That was my grievance over the whole of the situation. Yes, I had expectations that I would get more than 2 minutes of her time. I didn't go into details about the meet up, but it wasn't as much of a case of me being an idiot with over-expectations as it was a confluence of several different factors that contributed to a less than ideal situation.

I got the strong impression that she too was a bit dissapointed in the brevity of the meetup, of course it is impossible to tell.

 

Mag, thanks man, I neglected to mention that I was already going to the venue, she contracted me about meeting me there. Wasn't as if I ran up to see her.

 

Hindsight is always clearest. This whole situation could have been handled better but, then again, every situation could probably be played out better.

 

In regards to Sweetfish's comment, I would have to concur. When you both broke up, it sounded as you were less emotionally invested in the relationship. As time passed, you realized your mistakes and have grown in this time period. That is great, it truly is. And, as it has been emphasized before, this is what you need to show to your ex in your attempt to reconcile.

 

This brings me to the next point. It's hard for the less emotionally invested person to understand the pain and, subsequently, the walls built up around her heart to prevent further pain. This is your ex. She may have lowered some walls to be friendly with you or a weak moment of missing you.

 

As such, you need to approach your next steps to show you understand the pain she has gone through, that you have grown from all this, and you will be willing to put in the work to make this future relationship work. That also means learning how to approach her, giving her some space, and breaking down those walls.

 

This is why it would have been wiser had you come here to plan things out with some more perspective through other posters. I really do applaud you for coming here in the first place. Reconciliations can be very difficult, so keep up that positive attitude and keep learning. I hope you don't take this harshly, just want you to see that your ex was/is possibly very hurt from the break up.

 

This is just me ranting, however, I would argue that the less emotionally invested person lacks this perspective of pain after the break up, unless he/she has been there before. As such, although genuine feelings are there, proper approaches aren't taken and are perceived to be a "half-***" attempt. Again, just me ranting.

 

In any case, I'll be crossing my fingers for you

 

-WhatDEWWWWW

[NTV]

I am wondering about your reasoning for breaking up with her in the first place. What was it?

[ranaak]

whatdew18.

 

Yes. thanks, and I hope you can reply to this, helping me plan out and follow up.

 

It's hard for the less emotionally invested person to understand the pain

 

"As such, you need to approach your next steps to show you understand the pain she has gone through, that you have grown from all this, and you will be willing to put in the work to make this future relationship work. "

I am in complete agreement about all of this. I want to tread very carefully, I know I hurt her bad. I struggle with it every day. That is the one part of the healing process that maybe I haven't been able to deal with. I KNOW I was a jerk.

 

Alot of the advice I've gotten on here, from an older post I made, called for NC, while a few suggested calling her up.

 

That also means learning how to approach her, giving her some space, and breaking down those walls.

 

Yes please advise. How do I approach her? how much space now? Answers to these questions will really help me.

 

After recent events, I'm trying to figure out the best time to call her. I feel I need to speak to her in person. I figure I need to limit my calls tho,even if she doesn't pick up/phone dead/out etc.I don't want to bombard her. I'm confident in what I want to say, but I feel like I need to make it in person, I feel like I need to get a meet up. A text, email or phone message won't do it. I haven't spoken with her after sending that one text, which yes, in hindsight, was rather ambiguous. In my head at the time, it was part of my process of 'letting her know I'm open for a meetup' but of course, wasn't assertive enough?

 

 

I'm leary of sending a more direct text, again, I feel she needs to hear my voice ya know? Know I am sincere.

 

So yeah, basic advice here LS, right now I'm probab gonna try to call her tomorrow or later today. If she doesn't answer, Ill repeat in next 3 days or so. Does that sound solid in regards to respecting her space?

 

NTV the main reason was, I was acting crazy. We had gone through a rough patch, but nothing breakup worthy. I was stressed,I was immature, and I over-reacted. Very very poor judgement on my part.

[whatdeww18]

whatdew18.

 

Yes. thanks, and I hope you can reply to this, helping me plan out and follow up.

 

It's hard for the less emotionally invested person to understand the pain

 

"As such, you need to approach your next steps to show you understand the pain she has gone through, that you have grown from all this, and you will be willing to put in the work to make this future relationship work. "

I am in complete agreement about all of this. I want to tread very carefully, I know I hurt her bad. I struggle with it every day. That is the one part of the healing process that maybe I haven't been able to deal with. I KNOW I was a jerk.

 

Alot of the advice I've gotten on here, from an older post I made, called for NC, while a few suggested calling her up.

 

That also means learning how to approach her, giving her some space, and breaking down those walls.

 

Yes please advise. How do I approach her? how much space now? Answers to these questions will really help me.

 

After recent events, I'm trying to figure out the best time to call her. I feel I need to speak to her in person. I figure I need to limit my calls tho,even if she doesn't pick up/phone dead/out etc.I don't want to bombard her. I'm confident in what I want to say, but I feel like I need to make it in person, I feel like I need to get a meet up. A text, email or phone message won't do it. I haven't spoken with her after sending that one text, which yes, in hindsight, was rather ambiguous. In my head at the time, it was part of my process of 'letting her know I'm open for a meetup' but of course, wasn't assertive enough?

 

 

I'm leary of sending a more direct text, again, I feel she needs to hear my voice ya know? Know I am sincere.

 

So yeah, basic advice here LS, right now I'm probab gonna try to call her tomorrow or later today. If she doesn't answer, Ill repeat in next 3 days or so. Does that sound solid in regards to respecting her space?

 

NTV the main reason was, I was acting crazy. We had gone through a rough patch, but nothing breakup worthy. I was stressed,I was immature, and I over-reacted. Very very poor judgement on my part.

 

Glad I can be of some help!

 

I think it's best that you stay in No Contact until she reaches out, and even then, I would take caution.

 

The situation is a bit more complex than it was before.

 

I think giving her as much space as you can give her, is your best bet. She's already testing other options, possibly missing you, and not responding. She needs time to get her emotions together and be able to speak to you rationally. Probably not going to happen now or any time soon. (Also, I'm not talking about days as in giving space. More like months).

 

Just my thoughts and what I understood from patterns surrounding break ups, which you should weigh against other posters' opinions.

 

I think pushing now when she hasn't answered will only push her further. It may be the complete opposite, but her not responding to you makes me think it's the prior rather than the latter.

Edited March 26, 2017 by whatdeww18

[springy]

After 'several' months of nc she randomly text you to meet up with a bunch of her friends and then barely spoke to you? That is strange.

 

I'm going to come from the viewpoint of what many people say on boards when the dumpee comes on asking about the dumper making contact. A lot of times folks say the dumper needs to be clear on what it is they want to meet and chat about, or otherwise it's just breadcrumbs. If you broke up with her and you want to meet up to talk be clear about what that means so she knows what the purpose is. Your text is very vague and lacks purpose. If she had come on here and said my ex sent this text, many would have advised her to ignore it. You need to be more direct. If she ignores it you have your answer. Better yet, pick up the phone and call her instead.

Edited March 26, 2017 by springy

[NTV]

Okay. So why repeat the past? Why not just move on?