BF has been going to his ex-GF's house

[VA_Momof2]

About 2 months ago, I found out that my BF of over 5 years has been sneaking to his ex-GF's house. I found out because he was supposed to be at a union meeting and texted me something random. When I asked him what that was, he said he meant to text it to his buddy (who was at that same meeting). Needless to say, the red flags popped up, and I checked his vehicle location on my phone (we have location services on both vehicles for theft protection). He was NOT where he said he was - in fact, he was 20 miles away. I confronted him the next day and he said he got a text from his ex that she needed him to fix something, so he left the meeting and went to get whatever he needed to fix whatever was broken at her house. I told him I did NOT like him going to her house and since then, he has found every excuse in the book to go there and spend time with her and her son (who he has no relation to WHATSOEVER!). He has told me that he will continue to go there and I will NOT tell him what he can and can't do! We've gotten in numerous arguments over this exact subject - in fact, it is the ONLY subject we've EVER fought about. Normally we can disagree and settle it within a short time - you know, adult conversations without blow-ups. Fast forward to today . . . he wanted some "alone" time, so I told him to go out by himself last night (we decided Thursday that he would go out last night). Maybe get time to think over everything, since he claims he has relationship issues - he's even stated he doesn't have a good bond with our daughter (HIS child). Well, I took our daughter out on a Mommy/Daughter date so she wouldn't ask a lot of questions about where her daddy was. He left as soon as she went down for her nap(around 1 pm). He has not returned home. I figured he spent the night at his ex's house, so I texted him. I was right, he spent the night there. He would rather spend time at her house with her son than spend time trying to work on the family he has at home. I'm in DIRE need of some advice - at one time, I loved him with all my heart, but I don't want to put our daughter through this, nor do I want to deal with someone who doesn't care about how I feel and continues to do whatever he wants. HELP!!!!!

[smackie9]

Obviously this was no random thing and this points towards issues in your relationship. Whatever those issues are, they need to be addressed BUT it takes two to repair and rebuild a relationship. Couples counseling is my suggestion. If that doesn't work, a separation is in order.

[VA_Momof2]

Thank you - I am unsure what would have caused this. He's stated that he "can't feel love". Everything had been going pretty good - we did have a few set backs, but overall we were taking steps forward in our relationship and as a family - but as soon as I found out he snuck to her house, it's all went downhill and fast! He has an appointment to begin counseling, but they couldn't get him in until next month. I've tried letting him know how it makes me feel when he goes there, but he doesn't care. I've tried showing him unconditional love (something other women, he says, have never shown him). I don't let the little things bother me (believe me, there are a LOT of things he does that irritate me, but I don't fuss.). At one time, we could talk over our differences. But, because he continues to go to her house, and stayed the night this past time, I'm unsure of anything now. I'm not even sure we will make it until he goes to counseling. I told him he's throwing away the family he has here for something that will NEVER be (he said she's told him that they will never be more than friends). I feel more bad for how it is affecting our daughter than I do for me - I've been through a horrible breakup and have had my heart destroyed by a man, but I'm sure as heck not going to let my daughter's heart get broken by her own father's.

[SoleMate]

When people both tell and show you who they are..............well, you know the next part.

[Space Ritual]

I'm in DIRE need of some advice - at one time,

 

 

NO you aren't

 

You have answered your own question.

 

You are not putting your daughter through anything, in fact it may be the biggest teachable moment you ever have with her.

 

I cant think of a better example to set for your own daughter than by acting with decisiveness in this situation. That example being standing on her own 2 feet and not accepting the second class treatment you are currently receiving.

 

You have done nothing wrong here...well except for one small thing.

 

You named the title of your thread incorrectly. it should read:

 

"Soon to be Ex BF has been going to his ex-GF's house"

 

This Boy Blunder that you have a kid with needs some consequences for his actions. Unless you show him consequences, he will have no motivation to change his behavior.

 

Refuse to accept this treatment. ACT!

 

Good Luck.

[Shindig]

Even if the visit is innocent, he can and should respect the fact that it makes you uncomfortable. Meetings with ex's (or individuals of the gender he's oriented toward) can conform to agreed upon standards like 1. always in public/never in private, 2. never after dark, 3. no alcohol or other drugs can be involved, etc. Chances are if he starts abiding by some simple boundaries, your trust in him will grow.

[ExpatInItaly]

He's pretty openly having an affair with his ex, OP.

 

Show your daughter that you're a strong woman and put an end to this. Your boyfriend is showing you has zero respect for you and is still hot for the ex. Tell him he either stops his cheating (because let's be honest, that's what he is doing) and gets into counselling with, or he gets packing.

 

What you know about him and his ex as of late is probably just the tip of the iceberg. I guarantee you there is a lot more happening between them than you know.

[Gr8fuln2020]

About 2 months ago, I found out that my BF of over 5 years has been sneaking to his ex-GF's house. I found out because he was supposed to be at a union meeting and texted me something random. When I asked him what that was, he said he meant to text it to his buddy (who was at that same meeting). Needless to say, the red flags popped up, and I checked his vehicle location on my phone (we have location services on both vehicles for theft protection). He was NOT where he said he was - in fact, he was 20 miles away. I confronted him the next day and he said he got a text from his ex that she needed him to fix something, so he left the meeting and went to get whatever he needed to fix whatever was broken at her house. I told him I did NOT like him going to her house and since then, he has found every excuse in the book to go there and spend time with her and her son (who he has no relation to WHATSOEVER!). He has told me that he will continue to go there and I will NOT tell him what he can and can't do! We've gotten in numerous arguments over this exact subject - in fact, it is the ONLY subject we've EVER fought about. Normally we can disagree and settle it within a short time - you know, adult conversations without blow-ups. Fast forward to today . . . he wanted some "alone" time, so I told him to go out by himself last night (we decided Thursday that he would go out last night). Maybe get time to think over everything, since he claims he has relationship issues - he's even stated he doesn't have a good bond with our daughter (HIS child). Well, I took our daughter out on a Mommy/Daughter date so she wouldn't ask a lot of questions about where her daddy was. He left as soon as she went down for her nap(around 1 pm). He has not returned home. I figured he spent the night at his ex's house, so I texted him. I was right, he spent the night there. He would rather spend time at her house with her son than spend time trying to work on the family he has at home. I'm in DIRE need of some advice - at one time, I loved him with all my heart, but I don't want to put our daughter through this, nor do I want to deal with someone who doesn't care about how I feel and continues to do whatever he wants. HELP!!!!!

 

The relationship is over. He planning to cut-off from you and maybe his own daughter. By leaving him or letting go, you show that you have respect for yourself and your daughter that a woman should not be treated in this manner. THAT IS IT OKAY TO LEAVE A BAD RELATIONSHIP!

[Space Ritual]

OP,

 

If you confront him, he will gaslight you. In fact you may never get the truth. It will go something like

 

"I fell asleep over there I was too tired to drive home...."

 

Then upon more pressing:

"We kissed once but never had any sex"

 

to

 

"Well we had sex, but only once, and i couldn't get it up because i knew what I was doing was wrong".

 

to

 

"Ok we had sex a few times, but I felt really bad about it afterwards".

 

The reason I came back to your thread a second time is that it irks me in no uncertain terms that people accept such treatment and feel hamstrung in acting. There is no conceivable reason for this guy to be honest with you at this point, and no reason you should expect he will be.

 

Him sleeping over there is one of those things you just can't come back from as any reasonable answer could not even be ginned up.

 

Please do yourself a favor and get you and your baby away from this creep and take him to the cleaners in child support..

[smackie9]

Thank you - I am unsure what would have caused this. He's stated that he "can't feel love". Everything had been going pretty good - we did have a few set backs, but overall we were taking steps forward in our relationship and as a family - but as soon as I found out he snuck to her house, it's all went downhill and fast! He has an appointment to begin counseling, but they couldn't get him in until next month. I've tried letting him know how it makes me feel when he goes there, but he doesn't care. I've tried showing him unconditional love (something other women, he says, have never shown him). I don't let the little things bother me (believe me, there are a LOT of things he does that irritate me, but I don't fuss.). At one time, we could talk over our differences. But, because he continues to go to her house, and stayed the night this past time, I'm unsure of anything now. I'm not even sure we will make it until he goes to counseling. I told him he's throwing away the family he has here for something that will NEVER be (he said she's told him that they will never be more than friends). I feel more bad for how it is affecting our daughter than I do for me - I've been through a horrible breakup and have had my heart destroyed by a man, but I'm sure as heck not going to let my daughter's heart get broken by her own father's.

Don't give him unconditional love...all you are doing is enabling his behavior...letting him have no consequences for his actions...jeeeesus. KIck him to the curb....You are teaching your daughter that it's OK to accept a man that sneaks around behind your back with an ex GF....sad so sad.

Edited March 27, 2017 by smackie9

[Tressugar]

It is perfectly acceptable to be afraid of change. Just don't let fear paralyze you from making a sound decision.

[Ieris]

He already made the decision for you so change your locks, pack his stuff and toss it out. You and your daughter deserve so much better than this.

[BluesPower]

He already made the decision for you so change your locks, pack his stuff and toss it out. You and your daughter deserve so much better than this.

 

This here is what you need to do. Kick him out. He is already gone. He has been sleeping with her for a while.

 

Why? I don't know, but that is what is happening.

 

Time to kick him to the curb and move one. Don't forget the child support. You are going to need to file some paper work for the support.

 

Don't put up with this for another minute. You deserve better.

[PegNosePete]

You also need to get checked for STDs I'm afraid.

[kendahke]

Your daughter is going to go through this. You need to get that squared up in your mind.

 

When a man tells you

He has told me that he will continue to go there and I will NOT tell him what he can and can't do!

and

. He has not returned home. I figured he spent the night at his ex's house, so I texted him. I was right, he spent the night there. He would rather spend time at her house with her son

 

Then you've been put on notice that you've been demoted. He's done with your relationship and family when he can say this to your face. It's up to you whether you stick around for the futile fight in front of your daughter or if you gather up your dignity and grace and get out of this and tell your daughter that daddy's not going to be living with you two anymore then seek out a therapist to help her get through the minefield.

 

But you can't make a grown man do what he doesn't want to do. Period. Full stop. Get with that fact, first because it will save you a lot of high blood pressure moments, fighting, tears and confusion.

 

Regarding your daughter: what were the circumstances of her coming into being? Did he want a child with you and was she planned?

Edited March 27, 2017 by kendahke

[kendahke]

It takes a certain level of calculation to work out leaving a meeting to go be with one's ex and then to do it again and up the ante by spending the night with her. And he did have sex with her.

 

It's time to give up the dream of a family with him. He's not going to play that role for you and you can't make him. You're going to have to get with being a single mother for the foreseeable future, raising two children on your own. He's not going to play daddy/hubby for you.

 

Get your child support situated and change the locks on the door. I dont' think couples counselling is going to work on someone who is out the door and doesn't care that you know he's out the door. Couples counselling works on two people who are invested in their relationship and both of them want it to succeed. He doesn't. It'll be a waste of money that can be used for getting your life without him in order.

[Arieswoman]

VA mom,

Please get yourself a backbone and dump this nasty sack of runny poop.

 

He's not only cr@pping on you from a great height, he's rubbing your nose in it.

 

If you can't do it for yourself, then do it for your daughter who needs to see that her mum has self-respect and strong boundaries.

 

And do it now.

 

Good luck x

[VA_Momof2]

We started a long-distance relationship and after a while, he asked me to move in with him. That was in October, well, by December, his mother had gotten really ill and wound up passing away a few days before Christmas. He had lost his father when he was 11, and then his mother at 42. We had a few speed bumps, but nothing major, and nothing any other couple hasn't gone through. Well, then March comes around and we found out that I was 22 weeks pregnant with our daughter. I was told I would never have any children and he and his ex-wife could never conceive. Well, needless to say, we were BOTH floored. But, the look of pure joy and love on his face the day she was born was something I had never seen before. It has almost been tucked away or lost now though.

[kendahke]

We started a long-distance relationship and after a while, he asked me to move in with him. That was in October, well, by December, his mother had gotten really ill and wound up passing away a few days before Christmas. He had lost his father when he was 11, and then his mother at 42. We had a few speed bumps, but nothing major, and nothing any other couple hasn't gone through. Well, then March comes around and we found out that I was 22 weeks pregnant with our daughter. I was told I would never have any children and he and his ex-wife could never conceive. Well, needless to say, we were BOTH floored. But, the look of pure joy and love on his face the day she was born was something I had never seen before. It has almost been tucked away or lost now though.

 

Are you positive the ex girlfriend's son isn't his? He also thought he was shooting blanks with his ex-wife and most likely wasn't using protection when he was with her, thinking he was safe in that regard.

 

For whatever reason, he turned the corner some time ago. It's that the manifestation of this turn is rearing its ugly head now, but trust me, this has been in the works for a while.

[Try]

He left as soon as she went down for her nap(around 1 pm). He has not returned home. I figured he spent the night at his ex's house, so I texted him. I was right, he spent the night there. He would rather spend time at her house with her son than spend time trying to work on the family he has at home.

There is no non-cheating reason for him to be spending the night at his ex's. Also, the issue is not that "He would rather spend time at her house with her son than spend time trying to work on his family". The issue is that he would rather his time with his affair partner than at home with you. He is now openly cheating on you. What are you going to do about it?

[PegNosePete]

We had a few speed bumps, but nothing major, and nothing any other couple hasn't gone through.

It's my experience that when a person says this, they have had many, many more problems in the relationship than most. And that if you had clear relationship boundaries then you would have ended the relationship a long time ago, when these "speed bumps", which are actually major red flags, arose. This should have been a clear indicator that he is not a suitable long term partner for you.

 

It's easy to say that in hindsight, I know. But now you have clarity, he has shown you exactly the type of guy he is. He is the type to go off and sleep with his ex, and tell you to your face that he doesn't give a damn about you and your feelings and your relationship. It's up to you to make your move, based on the information you now have. Your eyes are now open.

[VA_Momof2]

He was married before and had never met her up until about 2 years before we got together. They dated on and off when he finally ended it when he realized she'd used him (deja vu cuz that's what she's been doing again). She and her husband had 2 boys together, both of whom are disabled. I am positive they are neither of his - he knew nothing of her until her youngest son was about 5 (his sister has backed this up). And thanks to everyone that has posted on here. I have decided that I am done with him, that my daughter and I are moving out ASAP and are NOT looking back. I will file for child support and I hope he and his Norman Bates psycho ex (or whatever the heck she is) get dealt a nice big helping of karma!!!

[Space Ritual]

He was married before and had never met her up until about 2 years before we got together. They dated on and off when he finally ended it when he realized she'd used him (deja vu cuz that's what she's been doing again). She and her husband had 2 boys together, both of whom are disabled. I am positive they are neither of his - he knew nothing of her until her youngest son was about 5 (his sister has backed this up). And thanks to everyone that has posted on here. I have decided that I am done with him, that my daughter and I are moving out ASAP and are NOT looking back. I will file for child support and I hope he and his Norman Bates psycho ex (or whatever the heck she is) get dealt a nice big helping of karma!!!

 

I think you are doing the right thing here for yourself and your child.

 

Good Luck

[sandylee1]

Good decision to end it. It's obvious he doesn't care about you or he wouldn't do what he's doing... Sleeping at his Exs house.

 

Out of interest, what would his reaction be if you stayed the night with an Ex?

[Try]

Good decision to end it. It's obvious he doesn't care about you or he wouldn't do what he's doing... Sleeping at his Exs house.

 

Out of interest, what would his reaction be if you stayed the night with an Ex?

If you asked him he would lie and say that he would not mind, when in fact he would be furious because he would know full well what was going on. That is all just part of the cheaters script. There is a thread currently in the infidely section of this site where his wife almost broke off their engagement because he once went to a strip club with his friends, only for him to learn years later that at the time she was giving him such hell over this, she was in the middle of an 18 month affair; cheaters are often such hypocrites.