My girlfriend left me after 5 years and found someone else

[jwspark85]

The girl , who i thought was the love of my life left me 2 months ago.She was the only long-term relationship I ever had. We were together for 5 years (living together for 4). I really thought It is going to last forever and was planning to propose to her this June. I was waiting for her to finish college and sacrificed many things over the course of those 5 years to make our relationship work (For example I gave up on most of my traveling plans and didn`t take on a huge career opportunity in another city just so we could stay together)

 

The reason she gave me for the break-up was falling out of love...“I like you a lot but I am not in love with you anymore“. She claimed there have been things she started to dislike about us in the last few months , but was afraid to communicate them to me because she was afraid I might break-up with her (which I would never do)....although I think this was more of an excuse. Thing is I found out from one of her friends ,that she started dating one of her classmates right after the break -up. Not sure if he is just a rebound, but I think they already started something before the break-up (although she claimed she doesn`t have anyone else when she dumped me). Its hard enough to cope when you are basically told you are not good enough for someone to love , but being replaced so easily is truly devastating. However, what killed me most was when I realized that the person you love so much doesn`t even think the relationship you two had was worth fighting for. As if the 5 years together didn`t matter at all. This was the only real crisis we ever had and instead of working it out she just gave up on both of us. She still wants to be friends and wants to keep meeting me, but I don`t think she realizes how much she hurt me. She is a somewhat sensitive person and If it was me breaking up it would have probably killed her. After the break-up we met twice and had a pleasant chat (she never mentioned her new BF), but I only realized I am holding on to hope that we might get back together. So, as of last week I went NC with her.

 

I am going to be 32 next month and seeing all my friends in serious relationships (some of them already got married) makes me think I have missed my only opportunity to be happy in life. I know people who get dumped tend to overreact but i really cant imagine myself in another long term relationship again. I am an average looking guy, but I have never been good when it comes to hitting on girls, I have always been a bit shy. Even this relationship started after she started hitting on me. Now that I am over 30 I feel like finding somebody will be almost impossible , considering it was already difficult in my 20s. Having my heart broken 10 years ago would have probably been a lot more easier.

 

I have tried everything. I meet and talk with my friends and family all the time. Try to concentrate on my job, I excercise a lot, go out and try to enjoy myself, but I cant get her out of my head. The only thing I haven`t tried is hitting on/having sex with someone else, but I don`t think it is something I am currently capable of (not just for the reasons described above). The disappointment is killing me, I have trouble sleeping and still cry a few times a week. I just wish the bone-crushing sadness I feel most of the time would stop already.

 

Sorry for the long post, needed to get this out of my head and thanks for any advise.

[Jagged100]

I'm sorry for your pain and totally understand how you feel. Unfortunately you have to accept that it's over and you need to move on. For your own sake you need to go NC, your feelings are more important than any friendship with your ex. Right now it's what she wants but it's not what's good for you.

 

You'll find it easier if you don't know what's happening in her life. Dating may not be what you need right now but give meeting new people a shot. Just trying things that take you out of your normal routine does help. Be kind to yourself and take care

[Goodguy05]

The girl , who i thought was the love of my life left me 2 months ago.She was the only long-term relationship I ever had. We were together for 5 years (living together for 4). I really thought It is going to last forever and was planning to propose to her this June. I was waiting for her to finish college and sacrificed many things over the course of those 5 years to make our relationship work (For example I gave up on most of my traveling plans and didn`t take on a huge career opportunity in another city just so we could stay together)

 

 

 

The reason she gave me for the break-up was falling out of love...“I like you a lot but I am not in love with you anymore“. She claimed there have been things she started to dislike about us in the last few months , but was afraid to communicate them to me because she was afraid I might break-up with her (which I would never do)....although I think this was more of an excuse. Thing is I found out from one of her friends ,that she started dating one of her classmates right after the break -up. Not sure if he is just a rebound, but I think they already started something before the break-up (although she claimed she doesn`t have anyone else when she dumped me). Its hard enough to cope when you are basically told you are not good enough for someone to love , but being replaced so easily is truly devastating. However, what killed me most was when I realized that the person you love so much doesn`t even think the relationship you two had was worth fighting for. As if the 5 years together didn`t matter at all. This was the only real crisis we ever had and instead of working it out she just gave up on both of us. She still wants to be friends and wants to keep meeting me, but I don`t think she realizes how much she hurt me. She is a somewhat sensitive person and If it was me breaking up it would have probably killed her. After the break-up we met twice and had a pleasant chat (she never mentioned her new BF), but I only realized I am holding on to hope that we might get back together. So, as of last week I went NC with her.

 

I am going to be 32 next month and seeing all my friends in serious relationships (some of them already got married) makes me think I have missed my only opportunity to be happy in life. I know people who get dumped tend to overreact but i really cant imagine myself in another long term relationship again. I am an average looking guy, but I have never been good when it comes to hitting on girls, I have always been a bit shy. Even this relationship started after she started hitting on me. Now that I am over 30 I feel like finding somebody will be almost impossible , considering it was already difficult in my 20s. Having my heart broken 10 years ago would have probably been a lot more easier.

 

I have tried everything. I meet and talk with my friends and family all the time. Try to concentrate on my job, I excercise a lot, go out and try to enjoy myself, but I cant get her out of my head. The only thing I haven`t tried is hitting on/having sex with someone else, but I don`t think it is something I am currently capable of (not just for the reasons described above). The disappointment is killing me, I have trouble sleeping and still cry a few times a week. I just wish the bone-crushing sadness I feel most of the time would stop already.

 

Sorry for the long post, needed to get this out of my head and thanks for any advise.

 

Een there where u r about 5 times now including my most recent break up we were together 6 yrs. I know how u feel same same here. The current one built me up on a pedestal chased it was hard as she had baggage and kids. Anyway someone on here mentioned because it never makes sense how they r able to just move on that they said those things to me at the time because that is how they felt in the moment. Meaning woman are emotional. U shld read about attraction and woman. Wen they start losing the attraction that's wen it all goes pair shape. We men will not give up so easily even wen were not happy. The difference wth woman is they will and there feelings towards us go. Wen they lose those feelings I can't explain it but it's been consistent throughout all my breakups it's almost like u dont exist. They can turn cruel even towards u. My ex we work together btw a nightmare doesn't give two tosses about starting a office rance wth another work colleague and not so much putting it on display but she doesn't care wether it impacts me or not. I wouldn't be like that and would stil look out to not hurt the exs feelings I know I've been that person the dumper in the past. It never makes sense especially in a car like ures where u did nothing wrong. In my case I can see why it lead to where it's lead somewhat. The best explanation I cld give reading ur story is that she's met this guy and felt something for him and decided to end wth u to be wth him. My current ex I believe is similar. She used explanations why it was over that a yr ago were totally the opposite that's how I know. As in she was coming up wth any reason she cld why we cld work it out wen I was ending it. So my point is they r all just hollow reasons wen they meet someone new it's the 3rd party which is the main reason they want to be wth them for watever reason usually they believe there a better fit. I hope it didn't hurt to much reading this im hurting too bro right along side u. I have to see her everyday and this work colleague and wen I see them or him walk over to her now its not gonna be fun. I donno wat to do myself it's quiet a good Job but I live in a regional area of the country I mean holiday hot spot so this kind of good jobs aren't easy to get. I donno wat to do and just trying to hang in and survive. I actually now felt quiet bitter towards her. Before she moved up my life was a lil lonely but now its painfull and pushing me out of wat was always ny dream location to live. I kind a hate her now.

[Poppyolive]

Going no contact is the best thing you can do for yourself, your heart and your sanity. Holding in hope will only prolong the pain. I'm sorry you're hurting. I'm sorry she has moved on with someone else. It's selfish of her to think she can keep tabs on you by keeping you as a friend. It's the most hurtful. So please, take some control, remain no contact. Take time to heal. It will serve you well for your future relationships. No need to jump into anything.

 

Take care

[Dandannydandan]

The girl , who i thought was the love of my life left me 2 months ago.She was the only long-term relationship I ever had. We were together for 5 years (living together for 4). I really thought It is going to last forever and was planning to propose to her this June. I was waiting for her to finish college and sacrificed many things over the course of those 5 years to make our relationship work (For example I gave up on most of my traveling plans and didn`t take on a huge career opportunity in another city just so we could stay together)

 

The reason she gave me for the break-up was falling out of love...“I like you a lot but I am not in love with you anymore“. She claimed there have been things she started to dislike about us in the last few months , but was afraid to communicate them to me because she was afraid I might break-up with her (which I would never do)....although I think this was more of an excuse. Thing is I found out from one of her friends ,that she started dating one of her classmates right after the break -up. Not sure if he is just a rebound, but I think they already started something before the break-up (although she claimed she doesn`t have anyone else when she dumped me). Its hard enough to cope when you are basically told you are not good enough for someone to love , but being replaced so easily is truly devastating. However, what killed me most was when I realized that the person you love so much doesn`t even think the relationship you two had was worth fighting for. As if the 5 years together didn`t matter at all. This was the only real crisis we ever had and instead of working it out she just gave up on both of us. She still wants to be friends and wants to keep meeting me, but I don`t think she realizes how much she hurt me. She is a somewhat sensitive person and If it was me breaking up it would have probably killed her. After the break-up we met twice and had a pleasant chat (she never mentioned her new BF), but I only realized I am holding on to hope that we might get back together. So, as of last week I went NC with her.

 

I am going to be 32 next month and seeing all my friends in serious relationships (some of them already got married) makes me think I have missed my only opportunity to be happy in life. I know people who get dumped tend to overreact but i really cant imagine myself in another long term relationship again. I am an average looking guy, but I have never been good when it comes to hitting on girls, I have always been a bit shy. Even this relationship started after she started hitting on me. Now that I am over 30 I feel like finding somebody will be almost impossible , considering it was already difficult in my 20s. Having my heart broken 10 years ago would have probably been a lot more easier.

 

I have tried everything. I meet and talk with my friends and family all the time. Try to concentrate on my job, I excercise a lot, go out and try to enjoy myself, but I cant get her out of my head. The only thing I haven`t tried is hitting on/having sex with someone else, but I don`t think it is something I am currently capable of (not just for the reasons described above). The disappointment is killing me, I have trouble sleeping and still cry a few times a week. I just wish the bone-crushing sadness I feel most of the time would stop already.

 

Sorry for the long post, needed to get this out of my head and thanks for any advise.

 

This sounds like my situation all over (apart from the fact Im 30, we never got the breakup chat and I dont think there was another guy).

 

Hang on in there buddy. NC is all you can do at the moment. Try and keep as busy as possible and give yourself time to focus on yourself. Hope of reconciliation is natural, its s*it, hurts, and lingers, but the main thing is to keep busy.

Edited March 27, 2017 by Dandannydandan

[Cornelius_Smiff]

Wow.. Your situation is so similar to mine it’s actually spooky.

 

I too was in a 5 year relationship with a girl I was also due to be marrying this July. She ended it and admitted to having feelings for one of our online mutual gaming friends, I found out the following day he was also aware of this and they had been having chats for a few weeks. She had essentially emotionally cheated on me. After she left I also found out the messages between them were of a sexual nature and that she was planning to end it with me.

 

She was the love of my life, we shared the same interests, same sense of humour, could comfortably talk for hours at a time and the sex was always great. But with our wedding round the corner and after what was a few months of a meh routine, she ignited something with this other guy and left. She then proceeded to completely ignore me as if I didn’t exist, bad mouth me to other people and now her family are trying to milk money out of me.

Without going into my own situation too much (you can probably find my post somewhere) I know how it feels man.

 

First of all (and I am sorry if you don’t want to hear this). She almost certainly overlapped with this other guy, but the reason is because she needed someone else to jump to and it’s got nothing to do with him being better than you or any of that. Essentially, she has acted very immaturely about this. People like her/and my ex , although they may be good people they lack the courage to deal with problems or a breakdown of a relationship and instead of working through problems they run to someone else because they are cowards. It is in effect the fear of being alone, the whole ‘I was scared to tell you’ line is a BS excuse for someone who isn’t scared of you breaking up with them, they are just scared of being alone. Essentially they have already emotionally decided not to act like a grown up and fight for the relationship, they are looking for a safety net to get out of this one because ya know “problems!”. I am sorry this happened to you man, I feel your pain I really do.

 

Overlapping is 100% about the person doing it and their own insecurities. Don’t beat yourself up over that part. Also the line “I like you but im not in love with you” or the version I got “I love you but im not in love with you” is one of the oldest most used BS lines that people use when trying to end a long term relationship. It is in fact a way of them trying to absolve their guilt of this ****ty thing they are doing, whilst also disconnecting themselves from you. It is also a sure fire sign they have emotionally detached and poured themselves into someone else.

 

You are totally doing the right thing at the moment bro by going NC. You are keeping yourself busy, working out and surrounding yourself with people who care about you. The first two months I was a mess myself, I cried myself to sleep pretty much every night, woke up every morning feeling terrible and often had to go to the toilets at work some times and let out some tears. Every day was a living hell. But… Eventually it started to get easier and I turned a corner. I remember something I said to my sister in the first few months “I am not feeling positive but I am trying to do positive things”. Essentially I wasn’t really enjoying the gym, being with friends etc as much as I should, but I knew once I started to feel better these things would be awesome and now they are. Now I hardly ever cry at all over her. I miss her every single day but I also realised that this experience has made me stronger and I am thankful for the lessons.

 

I am of similar age to you (I’m 33), I also am massively shy and find it terrifying to talk to women. But, I am glad this level of heartbreak happened now as I am more mature and a lot wiser in dealing with it. Nothing is going to take this pain away except working through it and treating it like a storm through which you must sail your ship, eventually the calmer waters will be there and you will see the sunshine. And you will love again! You have learnt the most valuable lesson in life, it is impossible to make love safe, but this doesn’t mean it’s not worth having. You need to heal and eventually you will be ready again. Do not compare yourself to friends or anyone else, it’s about you and everyone is different.

 

The best advice I can give (and sorry for the long post) and this helped me massively, is not to give into the bitterness or darkness. By all means feel the anger, fear, self doubt and all of that but do not let it control you. What I mean is, if you ever feel angry at her don’t act upon it and try to get some sort of petty revenge. Instead just scream and cry, find a punching bag or screech into a cushion. I would recommend a very excellent book (I have it on Audiobook) called ‘Wisdom of a Broken Heart’ by Susan Piver. This book was very helpful. I am 4 months in and trust me it does get easier bro. Be strong, keep NC and if you need any advice or to talk I and everyone else is here.

 

You got this man!

[Goodguy05]

Wow.. Your situation is so similar to mine it’s actually spooky.

 

I too was in a 5 year relationship with a girl I was also due to be marrying this July. She ended it and admitted to having feelings for one of our online mutual gaming friends, I found out the following day he was also aware of this and they had been having chats for a few weeks. She had essentially emotionally cheated on me. After she left I also found out the messages between them were of a sexual nature and that she was planning to end it with me.

 

She was the love of my life, we shared the same interests, same sense of humour, could comfortably talk for hours at a time and the sex was always great. But with our wedding round the corner and after what was a few months of a meh routine, she ignited something with this other guy and left. She then proceeded to completely ignore me as if I didn’t exist, bad mouth me to other people and now her family are trying to milk money out of me.

Without going into my own situation too much (you can probably find my post somewhere) I know how it feels man.

 

First of all (and I am sorry if you don’t want to hear this). She almost certainly overlapped with this other guy, but the reason is because she needed someone else to jump to and it’s got nothing to do with him being better than you or any of that. Essentially, she has acted very immaturely about this. People like her/and my ex , although they may be good people they lack the courage to deal with problems or a breakdown of a relationship and instead of working through problems they run to someone else because they are cowards. It is in effect the fear of being alone, the whole ‘I was scared to tell you’ line is a BS excuse for someone who isn’t scared of you breaking up with them, they are just scared of being alone. Essentially they have already emotionally decided not to act like a grown up and fight for the relationship, they are looking for a safety net to get out of this one because ya know “problems!”. I am sorry this happened to you man, I feel your pain I really do.

 

Overlapping is 100% about the person doing it and their own insecurities. Don’t beat yourself up over that part. Also the line “I like you but im not in love with you” or the version I got “I love you but im not in love with you” is one of the oldest most used BS lines that people use when trying to end a long term relationship. It is in fact a way of them trying to absolve their guilt of this ****ty thing they are doing, whilst also disconnecting themselves from you. It is also a sure fire sign they have emotionally detached and poured themselves into someone else.

 

You are totally doing the right thing at the moment bro by going NC. You are keeping yourself busy, working out and surrounding yourself with people who care about you. The first two months I was a mess myself, I cried myself to sleep pretty much every night, woke up every morning feeling terrible and often had to go to the toilets at work some times and let out some tears. Every day was a living hell. But… Eventually it started to get easier and I turned a corner. I remember something I said to my sister in the first few months “I am not feeling positive but I am trying to do positive things”. Essentially I wasn’t really enjoying the gym, being with friends etc as much as I should, but I knew once I started to feel better these things would be awesome and now they are. Now I hardly ever cry at all over her. I miss her every single day but I also realised that this experience has made me stronger and I am thankful for the lessons.

 

I am of similar age to you (I’m 33), I also am massively shy and find it terrifying to talk to women. But, I am glad this level of heartbreak happened now as I am more mature and a lot wiser in dealing with it. Nothing is going to take this pain away except working through it and treating it like a storm through which you must sail your ship, eventually the calmer waters will be there and you will see the sunshine. And you will love again! You have learnt the most valuable lesson in life, it is impossible to make love safe, but this doesn’t mean it’s not worth having. You need to heal and eventually you will be ready again. Do not compare yourself to friends or anyone else, it’s about you and everyone is different.

 

The best advice I can give (and sorry for the long post) and this helped me massively, is not to give into the bitterness or darkness. By all means feel the anger, fear, self doubt and all of that but do not let it control you. What I mean is, if you ever feel angry at her don’t act upon it and try to get some sort of petty revenge. Instead just scream and cry, find a punching bag or screech into a cushion. I would recommend a very excellent book (I have it on Audiobook) called ‘Wisdom of a Broken Heart’ by Susan Piver. This book was very helpful. I am 4 months in and trust me it does get easier bro. Be strong, keep NC and if you need any advice or to talk I and everyone else is here.

 

You got this man!

 

Right on dude ud love mine Ethan added twist wr work together lol. My breakups are always full of interesting twists and turns this is the 5th one I've experienced all I've learnt along the way is there are no garauntees in love and hopefully I can get better and wiser at choosing better choices in t hv e future and sniffing out red flags and wen u do the real challenge is to be able to recognise it quickly and le tg that person go before letting ureself get involved any further

[jwspark85]

Wow.. Your situation is so similar to mine it’s actually spooky.

 

I too was in a 5 year relationship with a girl I was also due to be marrying this July. She ended it and admitted to having feelings for one of our online mutual gaming friends, I found out the following day he was also aware of this and they had been having chats for a few weeks. She had essentially emotionally cheated on me. After she left I also found out the messages between them were of a sexual nature and that she was planning to end it with me.

 

She was the love of my life, we shared the same interests, same sense of humour, could comfortably talk for hours at a time and the sex was always great. But with our wedding round the corner and after what was a few months of a meh routine, she ignited something with this other guy and left. She then proceeded to completely ignore me as if I didn’t exist, bad mouth me to other people and now her family are trying to milk money out of me.

Without going into my own situation too much (you can probably find my post somewhere) I know how it feels man.

 

First of all (and I am sorry if you don’t want to hear this). She almost certainly overlapped with this other guy, but the reason is because she needed someone else to jump to and it’s got nothing to do with him being better than you or any of that. Essentially, she has acted very immaturely about this. People like her/and my ex , although they may be good people they lack the courage to deal with problems or a breakdown of a relationship and instead of working through problems they run to someone else because they are cowards. It is in effect the fear of being alone, the whole ‘I was scared to tell you’ line is a BS excuse for someone who isn’t scared of you breaking up with them, they are just scared of being alone. Essentially they have already emotionally decided not to act like a grown up and fight for the relationship, they are looking for a safety net to get out of this one because ya know “problems!”. I am sorry this happened to you man, I feel your pain I really do.

 

Overlapping is 100% about the person doing it and their own insecurities. Don’t beat yourself up over that part. Also the line “I like you but im not in love with you” or the version I got “I love you but im not in love with you” is one of the oldest most used BS lines that people use when trying to end a long term relationship. It is in fact a way of them trying to absolve their guilt of this ****ty thing they are doing, whilst also disconnecting themselves from you. It is also a sure fire sign they have emotionally detached and poured themselves into someone else.

 

You are totally doing the right thing at the moment bro by going NC. You are keeping yourself busy, working out and surrounding yourself with people who care about you. The first two months I was a mess myself, I cried myself to sleep pretty much every night, woke up every morning feeling terrible and often had to go to the toilets at work some times and let out some tears. Every day was a living hell. But… Eventually it started to get easier and I turned a corner. I remember something I said to my sister in the first few months “I am not feeling positive but I am trying to do positive things”. Essentially I wasn’t really enjoying the gym, being with friends etc as much as I should, but I knew once I started to feel better these things would be awesome and now they are. Now I hardly ever cry at all over her. I miss her every single day but I also realised that this experience has made me stronger and I am thankful for the lessons.

 

I am of similar age to you (I’m 33), I also am massively shy and find it terrifying to talk to women. But, I am glad this level of heartbreak happened now as I am more mature and a lot wiser in dealing with it. Nothing is going to take this pain away except working through it and treating it like a storm through which you must sail your ship, eventually the calmer waters will be there and you will see the sunshine. And you will love again! You have learnt the most valuable lesson in life, it is impossible to make love safe, but this doesn’t mean it’s not worth having. You need to heal and eventually you will be ready again. Do not compare yourself to friends or anyone else, it’s about you and everyone is different.

 

The best advice I can give (and sorry for the long post) and this helped me massively, is not to give into the bitterness or darkness. By all means feel the anger, fear, self doubt and all of that but do not let it control you. What I mean is, if you ever feel angry at her don’t act upon it and try to get some sort of petty revenge. Instead just scream and cry, find a punching bag or screech into a cushion. I would recommend a very excellent book (I have it on Audiobook) called ‘Wisdom of a Broken Heart’ by Susan Piver. This book was very helpful. I am 4 months in and trust me it does get easier bro. Be strong, keep NC and if you need any advice or to talk I and everyone else is here.

 

You got this man!

 

Thanks for the encouraging words !

 

The routine thing you mentioned sounds all too familiar. In the months preceding the break-up she was busy with finishing her thesis,and for me it was kind of the same with my job. The little free time we had we usually spent at home resting, watching tv etc. Probably this is where the boredom started to set in for her. I guess a part of me was aware of this but I kept telling to myself to be patient, that we would make up for it and do a lot of exciting things together after she gets her degree. I just wish she would have said that something is bothering her, so I could act upon it. Maybe things would have been different or maybe she would have ended up with this other guy anyway, who knows . Still, I have to stop blaming myself that I haven`t done more myself.

 

I wish none of us would have to go through all of this. But, oddly enough, during last week or so I also realized that a part of me (a very small part) is actually thankful for the experience, painful as it may be. Maybe it will finally give me the boost to change things in my life. Things I was afraid to change (find a new better job) or was just too lazy to change myself(hit the gym more often).

Edited March 28, 2017 by jwspark85

[Chi townD]

Well, dude. I'm going to tell you something that you probably don't want to hear but you need to. Dude, she was cheating on you. When she broke up with you she gave you the "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you" speech and that is STRAIGHT out of the cheaters handbook!

 

After you break up, she doesn't give herself time to mourn the loss of you or the relationship, she jumps head first immediately into another relationship. No body does that....unless there was something already there. Dude, the signs were probably there, you just didn't see them. Like, a month or two before she broke it off, did the fighting increase and did she cause most of the fights? Usually over something stupid? If the answer is "yes" that was her guilt. Easier to cheat on someone if you're mad at them! "I would be with this guy right now if he wasn't being a douche rocket". Guarding her phone? Her phone never leaving her side? Even taking it into the bathroom? Dude, when you really think about it? You can think back and probably see the signs.

 

So, you need to go straight NC on her. Absolutely NO CONTACT! That mean, blocking her on social media. Do not answer texts and let all phonecalls go straight to voicemail. You've meet up twice and you stated that the meet ups were "cordial". Well, stop that. All you're doing is helping her ease her guilt. When you have those meet ups what is going through her mind is, 'Oh look! We're broken up and we're still cool with each other! I guess the break up was for the best after all!" You're giving her permission to forgive her treatment of you. Let her hold onto her guilt. Let her learn from it. When you go dark, you give her nothing! She has no idea where your head is at! Does he hate me? Is he sad? Is he angry? Or is he indifferent? She has NO IDEA! And to be honest? It's none of her business. Time to move on dude. Time to heal.

[jwspark85]

Well, dude. I'm going to tell you something that you probably don't want to hear but you need to. Dude, she was cheating on you. When she broke up with you she gave you the "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you" speech and that is STRAIGHT out of the cheaters handbook!

 

After you break up, she doesn't give herself time to mourn the loss of you or the relationship, she jumps head first immediately into another relationship. No body does that....unless there was something already there. Dude, the signs were probably there, you just didn't see them. Like, a month or two before she broke it off, did the fighting increase and did she cause most of the fights? Usually over something stupid? If the answer is "yes" that was her guilt. Easier to cheat on someone if you're mad at them! "I would be with this guy right now if he wasn't being a douche rocket". Guarding her phone? Her phone never leaving her side? Even taking it into the bathroom? Dude, when you really think about it? You can think back and probably see the signs.

 

So, you need to go straight NC on her. Absolutely NO CONTACT! That mean, blocking her on social media. Do not answer texts and let all phonecalls go straight to voicemail. You've meet up twice and you stated that the meet ups were "cordial". Well, stop that. All you're doing is helping her ease her guilt. When you have those meet ups what is going through her mind is, 'Oh look! We're broken up and we're still cool with each other! I guess the break up was for the best after all!" You're giving her permission to forgive her treatment of you. Let her hold onto her guilt. Let her learn from it. When you go dark, you give her nothing! She has no idea where your head is at! Does he hate me? Is he sad? Is he angry? Or is he indifferent? She has NO IDEA! And to be honest? It's none of her business. Time to move on dude. Time to heal.

 

I already came to terms with the fact that she may have been seeing the other guy before she broke-up with me. From the signs you mention I only noticed that she was more on edge and was complaining about minor uninportant BS more than usual. It was a bit unlike her but I was connecting this to the stress she was experiencing at school.

 

I know now that I should have gone NC right away , but all this is somewhat new to me (this was the only long term relationship I ever had). The 2 meet-ups we had were just me holding onto false hope I guess.

 

All this just feels so unfair considering that in the past she was the one who sometimes felt sorry for holding me back ( i was thinking to move to a bigger city, advance my career, travel more etc.) and was herself afraid that one day I might leave her because of this. Again, I would never do this and I never blamed her that I gave up on all that because of her . Our relationship was always a priority to me and I made sure she knew it.

Whatever, time to move on. I already moved into a new apartment last week and also went to a few job interviews, just out of curiosity. So, I must be making some progress.

[jwspark85]

3 months ago my ex broke up with me after 5 years together. I wont bother you with the details I already did that in a past thread of mine

 

(http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/618646-my-girlfriend-left-me-after-5-years-found-someone-else)

 

Basically she broke up with me and found another guy with whom she most probably overlapped with. She may still be thinking we broke up on semi-good terms and wants to be friends with me, but that`s not how i feel and being a friend would only hurt me more. I went strict no contact with her more than 3 weeks ago but today she contacted me to congratulate me on my birthday through a text message.

 

Should I ignore her text message and keep strict NC or respond with a simple thank you just to be polite ?

[FoundLove]

I honestly think you should keep NC and not reply. She probably doesn't expect a reply from you anyway, so I'd say just ignore it.

 

Happy Birthday!!

[Candice Luna]

I believe in staying polite.

Therefore, I would respond VERY briefly: "thanks :)" simply to acknowledge her effort.

 

If she replies back, then I would go NC.

[Zahara]

No response needed. Be polite to people that treat you respectfully. If you think there was some overlapping going on, take the wish with a grain of salt and move on. She'll live if you don't acknowledge it. Remember, she has less investment in you so a non-response isn't going to affect her. It is however, affecting you.

 

Focus on your NC and your resolve to detach.

[spyman42]

Bro, you're in the same boat as me. My gf dump me this Monday and ever since than all these issues and my mind is still thinking of her nonstop.

 

I think you should try to delete or block her of all communication and just think about yourself and improve yourself.

 

I am a shy guy too and I know its hard to find another good girl.

[ImComplicated]

in some cases, you're right, but not always. i know, with my ex, i tried a ZILLION times to tell him what the problem was. i gave him chance after chance after chance to work on the things that bothered me, but he didn't listen. and then, once i was done and had moved on to someone else. i admit, meeting someone else, although i didnt cheat on him with this guy, it did kind of give me the push needed to end it, but that push wouldnt have mattered if we weren't already on rocky ground. so meeting someone else who i also felt a spark with, who i didn't clash with nearly as much as i did my ex and who, frankly, treated me better, it made me see my ex in a less attractive light and realize there's a better match for me out there. the other guy had to move away about a year and a half later (long story) but we still remain friends and after that, i didnt immediately run back to my ex (had NO desire) and didn't immediately jump into a new relationship after.

 

but yeah, for me, the issue was definitely not that i was unwilling to address problems, bc i tried, really, really tried, but he didn't listen or didn't take me seriously.

 

even long after i told him it was over, he kept asking what it is he did to cause me to not want him anymore (apparently he didnt hear me the first 6543645543525x i told him throughout all our arguments in our relationship). if you ask him, he'll probably tell you that i dumped him for another guy.

 

some people are just oblivious to how other people are feeling/not naturally in tune with other people's needs.

 

clearly, throughout the entire relationship, he was paying more attention to his own feelings than he was mine.

 

Wow.. Your situation is so similar to mine it’s actually spooky.

 

I too was in a 5 year relationship with a girl I was also due to be marrying this July. She ended it and admitted to having feelings for one of our online mutual gaming friends, I found out the following day he was also aware of this and they had been having chats for a few weeks. She had essentially emotionally cheated on me. After she left I also found out the messages between them were of a sexual nature and that she was planning to end it with me.

 

She was the love of my life, we shared the same interests, same sense of humour, could comfortably talk for hours at a time and the sex was always great. But with our wedding round the corner and after what was a few months of a meh routine, she ignited something with this other guy and left. She then proceeded to completely ignore me as if I didn’t exist, bad mouth me to other people and now her family are trying to milk money out of me.

Without going into my own situation too much (you can probably find my post somewhere) I know how it feels man.

 

First of all (and I am sorry if you don’t want to hear this). She almost certainly overlapped with this other guy, but the reason is because she needed someone else to jump to and it’s got nothing to do with him being better than you or any of that. Essentially, she has acted very immaturely about this. People like her/and my ex , although they may be good people they lack the courage to deal with problems or a breakdown of a relationship and instead of working through problems they run to someone else because they are cowards. It is in effect the fear of being alone, the whole ‘I was scared to tell you’ line is a BS excuse for someone who isn’t scared of you breaking up with them, they are just scared of being alone. Essentially they have already emotionally decided not to act like a grown up and fight for the relationship, they are looking for a safety net to get out of this one because ya know “problems!”. I am sorry this happened to you man, I feel your pain I really do.

 

Overlapping is 100% about the person doing it and their own insecurities. Don’t beat yourself up over that part. Also the line “I like you but im not in love with you” or the version I got “I love you but im not in love with you” is one of the oldest most used BS lines that people use when trying to end a long term relationship. It is in fact a way of them trying to absolve their guilt of this ****ty thing they are doing, whilst also disconnecting themselves from you. It is also a sure fire sign they have emotionally detached and poured themselves into someone else.

 

You are totally doing the right thing at the moment bro by going NC. You are keeping yourself busy, working out and surrounding yourself with people who care about you. The first two months I was a mess myself, I cried myself to sleep pretty much every night, woke up every morning feeling terrible and often had to go to the toilets at work some times and let out some tears. Every day was a living hell. But… Eventually it started to get easier and I turned a corner. I remember something I said to my sister in the first few months “I am not feeling positive but I am trying to do positive things”. Essentially I wasn’t really enjoying the gym, being with friends etc as much as I should, but I knew once I started to feel better these things would be awesome and now they are. Now I hardly ever cry at all over her. I miss her every single day but I also realised that this experience has made me stronger and I am thankful for the lessons.

 

I am of similar age to you (I’m 33), I also am massively shy and find it terrifying to talk to women. But, I am glad this level of heartbreak happened now as I am more mature and a lot wiser in dealing with it. Nothing is going to take this pain away except working through it and treating it like a storm through which you must sail your ship, eventually the calmer waters will be there and you will see the sunshine. And you will love again! You have learnt the most valuable lesson in life, it is impossible to make love safe, but this doesn’t mean it’s not worth having. You need to heal and eventually you will be ready again. Do not compare yourself to friends or anyone else, it’s about you and everyone is different.

 

The best advice I can give (and sorry for the long post) and this helped me massively, is not to give into the bitterness or darkness. By all means feel the anger, fear, self doubt and all of that but do not let it control you. What I mean is, if you ever feel angry at her don’t act upon it and try to get some sort of petty revenge. Instead just scream and cry, find a punching bag or screech into a cushion. I would recommend a very excellent book (I have it on Audiobook) called ‘Wisdom of a Broken Heart’ by Susan Piver. This book was very helpful. I am 4 months in and trust me it does get easier bro. Be strong, keep NC and if you need any advice or to talk I and everyone else is here.

 

You got this man!

[fromheart]

A man's young at 32, nothing to worry about there. Hit the gym to stay in shape, read books on self development and ways to improve yourself.

 

Its tough to be out of a long relationship, and it will take some time to heal. Work hard on yourself now and before you know it 6 months will have flown by and you might have a better woman in your arm.

 

This woman has gone completely. Yes, she most probably was connecting to this man for a while before she dumped you. Probably a rebound and will probably cause her pain, her decision.

 

Don't reach out to her for any reason and start the self work, it is an instant fix in many ways and gets you through that initial pain.

 

I absolutely guarantee that you'll be looking back at this and laughing one day.

[Marc878]

She was cheating that's why she broke up with you. You need to start seeing her for who she is not who you thought she was.

 

If you chase they just move farther away. Staying friends just makes you look weak and passive. Very unattractive. Never ever be friends in these situations.

 

Clinging onto a sliver of hope and hanging on will just make you look pathetic and lower your status.

 

Go completely dark and block all contact.

 

They want to be friends for themselves. It helps alleviate guilt, etc. so they can say see he's ok with what I've done.

 

She's not a special snowflake and time/no contact will fix this.

 

When you look back this is someone you wouldn't want in your life anyway

 

Read up

"No More Mr Nice Guy" free PDF download

[Raena]

I don't necessarily agree that she was cheating on you. The fact that she so quickly jumped to another relationship could just simply be that she had checked out of the relationship long before she actually ended it with you. That doesn't mean she was actually cheating.

[jwspark85]

A man's young at 32, nothing to worry about there. Hit the gym to stay in shape, read books on self development and ways to improve yourself.

 

Its tough to be out of a long relationship, and it will take some time to heal. Work hard on yourself now and before you know it 6 months will have flown by and you might have a better woman in your arm.

 

This woman has gone completely. Yes, she most probably was connecting to this man for a while before she dumped you. Probably a rebound and will probably cause her pain, her decision.

 

Don't reach out to her for any reason and start the self work, it is an instant fix in many ways and gets you through that initial pain.

 

I absolutely guarantee that you'll be looking back at this and laughing one day.

 

Thanks. I am really trying my best to move on and not to hold on to hope anymore (therefore NC) . But after being in a relationship for almost 6 years it feels like a whole new way of living I have to adjust to. It has been so long I even have trouble remembering who I was and what my life used to be before I met her.

 

As for the other guy, maybe she started something with him before the break-up, maybe she didn't, it hardly matters to me now, still hurts the same. I don't want to hope he is just a rebound and I don't think he is. As much as I hate to admit it he seems like nice guy. He also kind of looks like me, which feels just weird...maybe even a bit humiliating.

[Pumpingiron34]

I'll give my words after now being out of a 5 year relationship for one year. It's still hard af but some days are ok. Chances are sounds just like mine, prolly was not cheating but heavily flirting enough to feel guilty. It's as cruel as it gets but fk it. Mine left me for a recovering addict and honestly I still can't grasp my head around that concept but, they been together 8 months. My advice is it don't matter rebound, black white yellow orange. It's all the same she toasted your relationship. Don't even try to figure out who or what he is BC some day he will suck to. Some other advice is don't break NC at all. Every single time I did I regretted it or it back fired and ended up with me saying dam if I just Dident break no contact. Nothing u can say or do is more powerful than silence. Even if it feels like it's doing nothing. It is

[jwspark85]

in some cases, you're right, but not always. i know, with my ex, i tried a ZILLION times to tell him what the problem was. i gave him chance after chance after chance to work on the things that bothered me, but he didn't listen. and then, once i was done and had moved on to someone else. i admit, meeting someone else, although i didnt cheat on him with this guy, it did kind of give me the push needed to end it, but that push wouldnt have mattered if we weren't already on rocky ground. so meeting someone else who i also felt a spark with, who i didn't clash with nearly as much as i did my ex and who, frankly, treated me better, it made me see my ex in a less attractive light and realize there's a better match for me out there. the other guy had to move away about a year and a half later (long story) but we still remain friends and after that, i didnt immediately run back to my ex (had NO desire) and didn't immediately jump into a new relationship after.

 

but yeah, for me, the issue was definitely not that i was unwilling to address problems, bc i tried, really, really tried, but he didn't listen or didn't take me seriously.

 

even long after i told him it was over, he kept asking what it is he did to cause me to not want him anymore (apparently he didnt hear me the first 6543645543525x i told him throughout all our arguments in our relationship). if you ask him, he'll probably tell you that i dumped him for another guy.

 

some people are just oblivious to how other people are feeling/not naturally in tune with other people's needs.

 

clearly, throughout the entire relationship, he was paying more attention to his own feelings than he was mine.

 

I wish she would say anything is bothering her but she never did. I don't recall any fights or arguments either.

I noticed that a few months leading up to the break up she was more irritable than usual. But, it was often for things unrelated to me and I associated it with the stress from studying for exams and working on her thesis at the same time. I tried to make her feel comfortable during this time but it probably wasn't enough.

 

Even though she didn't communicate her worries to me I still blame myself for not sensing that something was wrong, that I got too comfortable, that we slipped into a routine and I didn't make her feel more appreciated.

[Sparta]

OP The good news is is that you're a good guy, OK I just keep being you don't worry about it you'll find another girl guaranteed most likely you will find one that won't cheat on you. Like your ex-girlfriend so her relationship started as an affair great won't last but guess what you'll hopefully be in a relationship to not take her back whatever you do. She might even come crawling back... laugh at her because actually you did you The biggest favor you could've married with kids then she decided to cheat on you.

[jwspark85]

OP The good news is is that you're a good guy, OK I just keep being you don't worry about it you'll find another girl guaranteed most likely you will find one that won't cheat on you. Like your ex-girlfriend so her relationship started as an affair great won't last but guess what you'll hopefully be in a relationship to not take her back whatever you do. She might even come crawling back... laugh at her because actually you did you The biggest favor you could've married with kids then she decided to cheat on you.

 

I know it would probably be easier for me If I started to hate her and hope that one day If she comes crawling back I could tell her off.... I just cant force myself to do that. Despite of how much she hurt me she is not a bad person. And its not like I was the ideal boyfriend she coldly replaced without any kind of remorse.

I mean...I never did anything that would hurt her in any way and I always tried to support her the best I could, but as I mentioned before I have gotten too comfortable and may have started to take her for granted after all this time together, without being fully aware of it.

[jwspark85]

3 months ago my ex broke up with me after 5 years together. I wont bother you with the details I already did that in a past thread of mine

 

[]

 

Basically she broke up with me and found another guy with whom she most probably overlapped with.

 

I still love her very much and for the sake of preserving my own sanity I went strict no contact with her.

Unfortunatelly we are from the same small (2000+ people) and have a lot of mutual friends in real life and on social media/facebook (around 60 mutual FB friends). I unfriended her there but because of all these mutual acquaintances I always somehow get to find out what shes up to with her new boyfriend.

 

Its really painfull to hear about some new photo where she is hugging/kissing the other guy. But on top I have to deal with the fact that most people/acquaintances in my hometown are able to see it. I keep asking myself how does it make me look in front of everybody, considering I was the guy who got dumped for someone else.

 

I keep visiting my hometown fairly frequently to see my parents on the weekends and I see that while some people try not to mention the break-up at all, some just outright go out of their way to avoid me and some dont talk to me either but give me the pitying look instead. I dont know which is worse honestly.

 

She should know that I am not ok with this, but I cannot simply ask her to stop posting such photos or statuses on Facebook.

Things like this are making the recovery, which is very hard in itself, even more difficult. Really dont know what to do here.

Edited May 8, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redacted link, merged threads ~6