We kissed with ex, now what?

[Protec]

I have to write this. This is like a letter. My confession.

 

When we broke up with my ex, my world shattered into pieces. I was devastaded. Some days i even wanted to kill myself.

 

I tried to force myself not to contact her. I even deleted her number few times but i always dig it back from somewhere.

 

I sent her emails when i was drunk. She replied with the most nastiest responses you can imagine. I kept silent for few weeks, months. I sent her another mail. She responded back "leave me alone! or i will call the police on you again!". I took distance. I sent her xmas card, BD card...she replied with email again...

 

Then one day. I was drunk again...feeling miserable. Sent her email. She replied with the most nastiest response. But for some reason she suggested coffee so we could solve it once and for all. We saw each other. The crazy chemistry was still there. When we saw each other, it felt like it was just yesterday.

 

We had fun with each other. She told me she has a new man, and i knew it.

We saw each other few more times. Last night she was watching movies at my place. We kissed.

 

It was wrong. But i finally got my answers.

 

I was not the cause she cheated on me back then. I blamed myself for months back then. "What if...what if...". But she chated her new man too, with me. She says she loves her new man and she is happy, but she kissed me. Week ago we hugged for 30 mins and almost kissed back then too.

 

She says she loves her man but compains because he is too fat and not emotionally close.

 

But i realized something else too. She is just like me. Sensitive. Emotional. Reckless. Nice. Kind. Nasty. Evil. Sweet. She is little bit of everything.

She is nothing in particular, she is little bit of everything.

 

USually the women i have dated and met are heavily focused in certain area. Let's take a music for example. My ex from the past listened only certain type of music. But this latest listens everything from Trance to rock music. Just like me. Whatever suits the feeling.

 

She is the most beautiful person i have ever seen. Outside and inside. She is not perfect. No. She cheated me when we were together. I hit her when we were together. But when i look at her, i see myself. I have met hundreds of people during my life. I have dated too many times (this is a number everyone decides on their own), i have dated many women. But no one has ever, never made me feel like that.

 

It feels like i am at home. I feel safe. I feel familiar. I can be myself around her completely. I feel this strange energy between us and it's very hard for me not to touch her.

 

And she feels the same way. But she has a new man. And she has said several times to me that we will never be together anymore.

 

But i am happy. I am happy i have been able to find a person that gives me such strong emotions. Even after all the bad things that happened.

 

I am happy. I am happy i found her. And at the same time i am sad because i see this woman next to me, i look at her and think "She is everything i've always wanted from a woman". but i cannot have her.

 

Yes. She cheated her new man too. She has cheated every man she has been with.

 

I am not happy about that. I would want her to be happy. Just like she wants me to be happy.

 

My guess is that we love eachother a lot. But we both also know it's bad if we are together.

 

But i finally know that i really loved her. Spending last night with her finally gave me that answer. I didn't just love her looks, i loved her nature too. Not perfect, no. But something very special.

 

I know you think i am insane. I am not. i am just a man who is in love with a puzzle. And it eats me alive because i know i can't never finish it. The final piece is missing and it drives me crazy because i have no idea where to find it.

Edited March 25, 2017 by Protec

[burnt]

She is just like me. Sensitive. Emotional. Reckless. Nice. Kind. Nasty. Evil. Sweet. She is little bit of everything. She is nothing in particular,

 

But i finally know that i really loved her. Spending last night with her finally gave me that answer. I didn't just love her looks, i loved her nature too. Not perfect, no. But something very special.

 

 

I know you think i am insane. I am not. i am just a man who is in love with a puzzle. And it eats me alive because i know i can't never finish it. The final piece is missing and it drives me crazy because i have no idea where to find it.

 

I don't think you are insane. I understand what you wrote.

I found your post to be beautiful, sad, and moving.

 

Our emotions are so complex--far from black and white. What touches our hearts are often so irrational.

[Protec]

I don't think you are insane. I understand what you wrote.

I found your post to be beautiful, sad, and moving.

 

Our emotions are so complex--far from black and white. What touches our hearts are often so irrational.

 

Thank you so much for understanding. Life is not black and white, and when it comes to emotions and love, i don't think black, white and grey is enough.

 

It was hard relationship for us, there was cheating involved from her part, violence from my part (i slapped her). We had 6 months of hate between us after breakup and she found a new man. but still somehow our "roads" met again. She spent evenign at my place, and we had fun. i kinda messed it up by becoming too emotional. I told her everything how i feel towards her. And we kissed.

 

I had to say it to her. I know i risked everything...but i had to tell her how i feel about her. And when she said "there are lots of women out there" it felt bad.

 

There is no one like her out there. She is one of the kind and that is what is problem these days with romance and dating. We are not replaceable. We are humans, with emotions. We are all unique, one of a kind.

 

Instead of replacing your partner every time problem arises, how about teaming up and trying to fix that problem, as a couple?

 

Have open mind, open heart and accept your partner as they are. I accepted her. To me, she was perfect. On paper, she looks bad. Very bad.

 

To me she is an angel. One of a kind person, and i would do anything for her. And i am happy i have met such a person.

 

Many people think i am insane for wanting to talk with her. Even keeping contact. Everyone of my friends and family said "Delete her. forget about her. She is bad news". Yes. She made my life hell. But i still loved her.

 

It's hard to explain. But thank you for understanding <3

[Protec]

So we kissed.

 

We had a movie night at my place last friday. She got permission from her man to be at my place.

 

She was very distant the whole evening, even when i touched her by accident she took some distance to me. Anyway, later in the evening when she was leaving we hugged again and then we kissed.

 

It was not a quick kiss. It lasted for 20 seconds. And we kissed several times. It was not forced. I don't know which one started it. I just leaned in a bit and it happened...

 

We have talked after that. We are not getting back together, i know that.

 

But how am i supposed to cut her off? I love her. I love every single thing in her. It's not about her looks at all. she is beautiful woman but it's mental. I like her mind. She is like me, but female.

 

She feels the same way. We talked about this last friday. When she looks at me she sees herself, and when i look at her i see myself.

 

I can't cut her off. I tried for 6 months and couldn't do it. I need another approach.

 

I want her to stay in my life, but in a way that i can move forward. But is that possible?

 

She really is everything i've ever wanted from a woman. I finally got the answers i needed. I was not wrong. She is something very special and i have never met a person like her in my life.

 

She is like me. Bit different of course but closest anyone has ever been.

[1fish2fish]

Oh, Protec. *sigh*

 

I hope one day you'll be ready to end your pain. I really do.

 

But, obviously, you're not ready yet.

[KBob]

Last time I told you this I was too harsh and was chastised for it, but my opinion is still the same so I'll put it in better language.

 

I think you are attracted to the drama, and that's fine, as long as you're OK with feeling hurt by her often. If you can handle the pain of being on the emotional roller coaster with her, then roll with it. There will be huge highs and lows but maybe you'll be happy, who knows? There's no way anyone can predict the future between you two, but you obviously are deeply in love with and attracted to this woman, no matter how crazy everyone on this forum tells you she is.

 

I can't say that it's a healthy relationship and I think you should see a counselor the whole duration of it so you can maintain balance in yourself, but if she's what you want, go pursue love with her. I'm not sure what to tell you to do about this other guy though...

[Blanco]

"She is like me, but female" perfectly sums it up. You are both addicted to drama and not enticed by healthy relationships.

 

I think your addiction to drama is on display even on this forum. You have solicited opinions about this woman for more than a year, and continually gone against the consensus every time. It's like you know people will chime in and browbeat you and maybe even berate you. Sometimes it feels like maybe that's the draw for you, since you certainly don't take any of the advice given to you.

 

I wish you well but I think this is something of a lost cause, so I guess be safe, because between this woman and the wild card that is her boyfriend, you are putting yourself in a position to be decimated emotionally and maybe physically.

[ExpatInItaly]

Now what?

 

More drama. Push-pull. Love-hate.

 

Lather, rinse, repeat.

[Robert]

Advance warning from moderation: our civility and respect guidelines will be heavily enforced in this thread and responses to this threadstarter's previous threads will be taken into account. You may find yourself suspended or banned if you have previously been sent an infraction for similar posts.

 

Fair warning.

 

~6

 

 

[Protec]

I understand. I deserved that warning.

 

But i have a problem.

 

1) I want to be with her, i want her to stay in my life

2) Because i want her to stay in my life, i cause suffering to myself

3) If i block and remove her, i suffer even more and most likely want to talk with her at some point

 

How the hell i cut the "cord".

 

I really, really enjoy being with her. She is seriously something else. And in a good way. We talk about things, watch movies together, i want to do things together (dance lessons, making music at my place etc).

 

We really do get along nicely.

 

I don't want to lose a person like that.

[Protec]

But she is constantly trying to make me jealous. She brags about the stuff her new man can do, and usually they are things she complained to me i was bad at. Like renovating house etc.

 

She knows i have feelings towards her.

 

I even got despereate and installed Tinder. And with my luck..with my LUCK with the 2nd swipe i ran into my ex from 10 years ago.

[Protec]

Last time I told you this I was too harsh and was chastised for it, but my opinion is still the same so I'll put it in better language.

 

I think you are attracted to the drama, and that's fine, as long as you're OK with feeling hurt by her often. If you can handle the pain of being on the emotional roller coaster with her, then roll with it. There will be huge highs and lows but maybe you'll be happy, who knows? There's no way anyone can predict the future between you two, but you obviously are deeply in love with and attracted to this woman, no matter how crazy everyone on this forum tells you she is.

 

I can't say that it's a healthy relationship and I think you should see a counselor the whole duration of it so you can maintain balance in yourself, but if she's what you want, go pursue love with her. I'm not sure what to tell you to do about this other guy though...

 

I don't want back in a relationship with her. That is not an option. What i would like, is to somehow keep her in my life, but also cut the "strings" so i would not be so jealous every time she mentions her new Mr. Wonderful (at least for a while he is...little does he know he was already cheated on.)

[PegNosePete]

What i would like, is to somehow keep her in my life, but also cut the "strings" so i would not be so jealous every time she mentions her new Mr. Wonderful

Well I would like a million bucks, a full head of hair, and to be 20 years younger.

 

We can't always get what we want. What you're asking for is even more impossible than my wish list above.

[Altair0770]

Yeah and I'd love my ex to realize what an idiot she is. But to each their own.

 

Bro, you are doing everything you should NOT be doing. This woman you're crazy about is stealing every piece of your manhood away and you're accepting it for false hope.

 

If you want to be with this woman, there is only one option - stay away. If she's this heavily invested into playing games with you she will likely reach out when you disappear from her life.

 

Following all traces of her and giving her everything you have to offer without commitment... where has that lead you?

 

You best option is to disappear. Cut contact completely. Erase her from your life and go and be yourself. Go be a man. Go regain that alpha status because right now you are plan B if anything. She'll wonder where the hell her cub went and eventually start looking, but if you play your cards right, she'll find that cub has become leader of the pack. Right now you're not going anywhere.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't want back in a relationship with her. That is not an option. What i would like, is to somehow keep her in my life, but also cut the "strings" so i would not be so jealous every time she mentions her new Mr. Wonderful (at least for a while he is...little does he know he was already cheated on.)

 

That isn't possible.

 

You're already seeing you can't have it both ways. You're too in love with her, but she's not in love with you. She is in love with herself and that's it.

 

So what if her boyfriend finds out she cheated? She did it to you and you hung on, so perhaps he would do the same. I bet he would, in fact, because a woman like her can really only attract people who are dysfunctional too. No offense to you, OP, but you already know you're attracted to chaos and toxicity. I would bet any money her boyfriend is the same.

[Protec]

That isn't possible.

 

You're already seeing you can't have it both ways. You're too in love with her, but she's not in love with you. She is in love with herself and that's it.

 

So what if her boyfriend finds out she cheated? She did it to you and you hung on, so perhaps he would do the same. I bet he would, in fact, because a woman like her can really only attract people who are dysfunctional too. No offense to you, OP, but you already know you're attracted to chaos and toxicity. I would bet any money her boyfriend is the same.

 

Yes. You are absolutely correct about that. I don't like the toxicity though. But my psychiatrist asked me "Is "being gray" a bad thing in relationship?"

 

I always get so bored if the relationship is too stale, nothing happens. I get bored, frustrated.

 

With me ex, we always had something to do, we had emotions, etc.

 

I talked with her again, last night for almost an hour in phone. She called me from her workplace and it's strange we talk more now than when we were in relationship.

 

We talk about daily things, this and that. But again, she rubbed her new man at my face. "I could really use a neck massage. I even have a massager at my home but i don't want to bother him since he has so much work even without me"

 

She is definitely still lookin down on me. That woman. Once she started critizising about my jogging route. "You always do the same routines...you never change."

 

So what if i have the same routine if it keeps me going? Who the hell cares. It's not her problem anymore even if i'd watch tv the whole day.

 

She is comparing me to her new guy all the time. She doesn't say it directly, but it sure feels like that.

 

Now she seems to get best of both worlds...

 

I am not that crazily in love with her anymore. I actually see better now than back then. I am not looking trough the rose-colored glasses anymore.

And i really don't like her new man that much because he allows her to get drunk middle of the week and during weekends.

 

I remember when my ex always complained how it was my fault that she got drinking problem. So i guess sooner or later she starts to complain about that to her new man.

 

She has not changed. Sure, strangely somehow she actually seems to care about her man since we did not have sex. But it doesn't concern me if she loves or not. I need to concentrate on myself.

 

And another funny thing is...now she wants to come to gym with me, she asks me to movies, comes my place to watch movies and now she is even interested in making music with me and even listens same type of music.

 

It's strange. When we were together she never wanted to visit my place. She didn't even care about my music or wanted to make it. She never wanted to come gym with me "it's too far away."

 

I wonder....why the sudden change? Why suddenly she wants to spend time with me so much?

Edited March 29, 2017 by Protec

[Altair0770]

Because you're filling the gaps of her relationship with her new man that he isn't filling, meanwhile he's smashing that while you're posting on a breakup forum.

 

Please take my advice. No more talking to her. If she's willing to talk to you for hours, she'll come barking up the tree you ran to.

 

 

CUT

ALL

CONTACT

[Protec]

Because you're filling the gaps of her relationship with her new man that he isn't filling, meanwhile he's smashing that while you're posting on a breakup forum.

 

Please take my advice. No more talking to her. If she's willing to talk to you for hours, she'll come barking up the tree you ran to.

 

 

CUT

ALL

CONTACT

 

I am not strong enough. I tried. I really tried. And i was at breakfast with her this morning. And i almost said something nasty to her when she said she had bought the SAME parfyme to her new man that what i use.

 

That is ridiculous.

 

2 weeks ago she said she is so happy and wants to marry that man and today she complained how she is getting bored again and relationships feel boring.

 

She does not think me as her friend. I don't know what she thinks of me, but i am not her friend.

 

"I have to get a ring from jewellery store i ordered...but i will get it alone, i don't want you to come in with me." "A freakishly expensive engagement ring?" Then she laughed.

 

Also she erases all the messages from whatsapp so her man doesn't see what we have talked about. Well, if i had a woman i would delete everything too.

 

Also she suspects her man is spying on her phone. Well no wonder.

 

I feel sorry for her new man. She has not changed at all. I see that now.

 

She even took some distance to me again. 2 weeks ago we sat in coffee shop hand in hand, she wanted to hug me all the time, now? She barely touches me, barely even takes eye contact. She is like a completely different person again.

 

Thank god i am outside all that now. I experienced it once when i was in "relationship" with her. Now i see it all from another angle.

 

"I even snapped at my man last night. I said some pretty nasty things to him i don't even really mean. Thank god he doesn't care."'

 

Yes he does. Maybe from outside it can look like he doesn't care. But i swear, it affects you. It's her style. She is most likely starting her push away stage.

Soon she will pull him back in, she will hug him, tell him he is the most wonderful man alive.

 

"Too bad i didn't meet you 10 years ago." You feel like you're in heaven. This is always what i wanted. A beautiful woman who REALLY cares about me. Yes she said some evil things but she really didn't mean all that. She really loves me.

 

And soon...she will start to tear you apart little by little. You feel horrible. You feel like everything you've done so far is wrong. YOu start to wonder if you are any good at all. You start to think "maybe if i'd done that instead of..."

And it will drive you crazy. You become extra careful. Like walking on eggshells. But even that doesn't help. She will catch you. Always.

If you fight back, it will become hell on earth.

 

I really feel sorry for her new man. I know that is what is coming to him.

She hasn't changed a bit. She is lost. She doesn't know who she is or what she wants. She just keeps changing men like socks, damaging her kids even further.

 

I think my therapist was right when she said my ex is a narcissist. She is, maybe even something more than just that. I have never seen person switch personalities so rapidly. It happened when i was with her, it happens now.

She somehow just feels "off". You know it's the same person, but she acts complelely different.

[Protec]

See? I have made progression. Thanks to therapy, my self confidence has gotten much better.

 

Sure, i still have problem about how to not feel so strongly towards her. I would like to talk with her. Last night i talked almost an hour with her. It's nice to talk with someone once a while.

 

I can't ever think her as my "sister". You know, female friend you don't need to touch and don't even want to have sex. Perfectly platonic friendship. I cannot do it with her. There is no way.

[Altair0770]

You haven't progressed at all though... you're still back at square one and being the pawn in this girls mind games.

 

You say you're over her and then you say you can't go NC with her.

 

Sorry bro, unless you cut contact you'll be in this loop for a very long time and in the end you won't get her back. At least that's my guess.

[VeveCakes]

I won't be able to comment without getting banned.

 

This is ridiculous at this point.

 

BLOCK, DELETE, and MOVE ON.

 

Anything else is not going to lead to a happy healthy life.

 

If you refuse to do this, you make your own bed, and you will have to lay in it. The forum will not be able to help you.

[Protec]

You haven't progressed at all though... you're still back at square one and being the pawn in this girls mind games.

 

You say you're over her and then you say you can't go NC with her.

 

Sorry bro, unless you cut contact you'll be in this loop for a very long time and in the end you won't get her back. At least that's my guess.

 

I have read countless numbers of articles and studies about narcissism and sociopaths. Unfortunately it seems she is a narcissist, that was my therapists guess when i described her.

 

She is like from a textbook. Idealize-Devalue-Discard, Projection,Triangulation, etc. She does all that.

 

I mean it's insane. Normal person does not change minds like that. Just few weeks ago she said she loves her man so much she wants to get married.

So we sat on a coffee house holding hands and she tells me how good i feel and how much she misses my closeness.

 

Now, she is distant, barely touches me, avoided eye contact. Nothing. Not once she said how nice it's being with me. Instead, she is putting me down at almost every chance.

 

Rubbing her new man in my face, telling me how immature i am (i am not, at least compared to her), she tells me how i have routines in my life, like the way i live is wrong??

 

She is doing it to me again. I wish i could become stone.

 

I am still just amazed how can someone be two completely different persons in one. I have started seriously to think she has split personality or something. That could explain the gaps in her memory.

 

I wish i could explain it somehow better.

 

But her two sides are completely day and night. I just never wanted to believe she is that ill, that she has a personality disorder. She is a-class liar. And i know she doesn't tell the truth to the doctors. Of course, doctor knows what you tell them. And my ex thinks there is nothing wrong with her and doctors know nothing.

 

She knows she is doing wrong. "Oh, again this 3 month boredom in relationship". that's almost exactly how long it took to get bored with me too.

 

Then starts the devaluation cycle...

 

After 3 months you should still be getting known to your partner. Be happy and chemistry should be blooming! You should be smiling. Happy that you have found the love of your life...but she doesn't seem like that at all.

 

Instead she is telling me how she would like to get out of it all. Be alone somewhere for a while. That is not healthy talk. That is not being in love.

She is simply using her new man for money. Deep inside she knows it.

 

I care about her but there is nothing i can do. Well. At least we are now friendly with each other. But it could be she discards me anytime soon...

 

But to be honest. Hanging out with her has helped me somehow. I now see it all from a different angle. I got all the answers. It eased my mind a LOT.

 

I blamed myself for everything. But it never was my fault. Her drinking problem, mood swings, cheatings, etc. It was not because i was a bad man, it was about her all along, because she is doing the exactly same thing with her new man now.

[Protec]

I try to take some distance to her. I have my therapy session tomorrow.

 

It's just...i do like being with her when she is nice. When she doesn't rub her man in my face and put me down at every turn. But...friends don't put others down.

 

My real friends have never put me down. They have never told i am immature, they have never complained about me. They have always supported me. They have cheered for me. They have told me to hang in there.

 

Guess i have lived in a lie. She is simply using me as her supply and now she has the best of both worlds.

 

She has me as her movie partner, since her new man doesn't like to watch movies.

She has me as her cuddling buddy if she happens to need one.

She has me as her...phone buddy? I don't know. For some reason we talked almost an hour last night.

 

What do i have? Would she help me if i needed help? I still doubt it.

 

She keeps secrets from her man. She lies to her new man. She lied to me when we was in relationship. She cheats her new man just like she cheated me.

 

Finally my eyes are starting to open.

[Protec]

But the thing is. i am so god damn lonely. Nothing, nothing can fill it. I tried dating. I am now in 3 different dating sites incl. tinder. Nothing.

 

No one to talk with. No one wants to meet me. And if i finally manage to start conversation with someone, it usually goes south when i mention i make electronic music and play videogames and so on. My ex is the only woman who never cared about that stuff.

 

I have absolutely no idea where i could find a woman who would accept me as i am. What i am. I am so god damn lonely it eats me alive, and nothing helps.

[Altair0770]

I'm going back to saying you haven't progressed at all. Be honest with yourself bro. You don't want to be friends with her, you want the perfect version of her. The one you initially fell for. The idea of who she is, and guess what? That isn't her. I can't blame you, I'm in the same boat. I'd like to reconcile with my ex, but only the one I fell for. Not the one that treated me like I was garbage and was a huge taker. Unfortunately that is difficult to get over.

 

But she's pulling you on her strings because she loves the attention. Not you. She loves that she can have all her gaps filled by two men that "are in love with her". She's an attention *whoops*, like a lot of narcissistic people are.

 

 

Cut contact, damage her ego. Do yourself a favor. Clench your first, then punch yourself where your balls use to be. If it hurts, then you know you can still become that man you once were again.

 

Yeah it sucks, but the more you be a cub she's going to want that alpha male. Be that alpha male. Say (not to her) "Screw you, I'm a beast. I'm going to live my life and control myself". And go do it. Every single time you contact her you are only making your situation worse.

 

It's VERY tough going no contact. VERY. But it gets easier and easier each passing day. That is why most fail. I see it all the time on these forums.

 

You must do NC until SHE reaches out to YOU.

 

Just avoid breadcrumbs, which is what she's been giving you. Every time you munch on breadcrumbs you are going to want more, and the more you do so, the less full loaf she has to give if reconciliation is a possibility.

 

Want to know my honest opinion about this chick? She's going to break up with a lot of dudes. If you say she's a narcissist, then she's a taker. And takers think they are owed the world and can do whatever they want without realizing reality. You're better off without her.