We kissed with ex, now what?

[ExpatInItaly]

Since you refuse to change your own behaviour, OP, therapy is a gigantic waste of money and time.

[Protec]

I have said all these things to my therapist, and even my psychiatrist, and they find nothing wrong with me except the mood swings, cyclothymia.

 

I want to change. For some reason i don't even feel bad when i am hanging with my ex. I don't know her man, i don't care how he feels. And i know for certain he feels bad when my ex says she is coming to my place. I know i would. If i'd be dating my ex i would not let her even visit her ex's. When she was with me she just partied all the time.

 

I am most likely her only ex who still wants to stay in contact with her.

 

ExpatInItaly, the therapy is actually helping. My co-worker texted me yesterday when i told her i was in therapy. "You seem much more open and relaxed than before, maybe it's the therapy?". Yes. It's the therapy. It has helped me. It takes time but i feel different than i felt year ago.

 

It felt great that someone has noticed i've become more open and relaxed. I have become more brave, i don't care that much anymore what people (in the real world) care about me, i am me, and if someone doesn't like me, then they don't. But i've always tried just to please everyone, suppressing my own emotions etc. i am little by little learning to be ME.

 

I am going through a process...it seems i am standing still, but i am moving, but slowly. I feel much more confident about myself now than let's say...4 months ago. I am more energetic and starting to learn how to be proud of what i am. I always beat myself down...but for what reason?

 

I only go to a therapy once a week and single session lasts for 45 minutes. That is not much. only 3 hours per month.

 

And so far i've been completely open with my therapist and so far she hasn't said that i am insane etc. Of course i have these emotional problems, but i am not insane or in need of medication. i think she would say.

 

And after i got my ex "back" in my life. I haven't cried since.

 

but i know this is toxic. And i will most likely crash and burn. But seeing my ex has helped understand things better. I understand she never loved me or cared about me. I understand her cheating was no accident, it's her habit. I blamed myself for everything that happened in our relationship. And now i feel more free than before. I blamed myself for no reason what happened in that relationship.

 

She says her new man is perfect and she is now finally happy. And she cheated him with me. So it doesn't matter what kind of a man she has. She will always cheat. She will always lie and play games.

 

Old me would have never been brave enough to talk to the pretty girl in my last workplace. There i was. Talking with her. Old me would have thought "hell, she is too pretty. Why would she talk with me?"

 

Now i think "I am me. I am just fine as i am. If she doesn't like me, then she doesn't. I have nothing to lose really. I'm gonna be myself, good and bad. This is who i am"

 

I am actually finally starting to find myself. And that is a good thing.things i want to do and i am gonna do my things. If somene says "why you make that music and stuff, you should do something different". Who are others to say if I enjoy making music? If someone thinks it's bad, so what? At least I enjoy making it.

 

I am finally starting, slowly, to live the life i want to live. Make my own decisions. My sister and father said "don't quit the job you are in now. You can handle it". How could they know?! I had terrible panic attacks etc. in that job. I just couldn't take it mentally.

It was not suitable job for me. Still they tried to force me to stay in that job.

 

Then i got sacked. For mental reasons. I felt free. I felt awesome. I just got laid off but i felt free. The job really ate me emotionally. FIrst time in my life i felt "I tried something but know i know that wasn't for me". I felt relieved. I was my own master for once.

[Protec]

Okay so she came at my place today. We went out for a walk, took some inspiration drinks, we made music, we had fun, we talked, aaaand again we ended up hugging for a long TIME. This time on my bed and she almost fell asleep on my chest.

 

I really, really enjoyed being with her but we both seem to have similar problem.

 

We cannot be without each other. Yet we know we cannot be together.

 

She describes the same pain i have when we are separated. Maybe her manipulation tactic, i don't know but it is confusing to hear her say all the nice things again.

 

"I don't want to go home. I just want to be here with you."

"I could hug you forever. I don't know why but you feel so warm, and i am not talking physical warmth. It just feels natural being next to you"

"I think about hugging you every day, i miss you so much."

"It's like i am missing a piece when i am not with you. It's so hard to explain this to anybody, no one understands"

 

Because of me, she put her man to pick up her kids etc.

 

We hugged for 30-50 minutes? I don't know. Time loses it's meaning when i am with her. Completely. Yes. I helped her cheat her man again. We lied on my bed, she had head on my chest and we held hands.

 

I don't know. I didn't receive any damage today. We really had fun. She even has pretty darn good ear for making music! I played my keyboard and suddenly i started to hear matching notes and we came up very good trance melody. It was her first time making music with me. I was impressed. That is something you cannot fake. You cannot fake musical abilities.

 

Then i cooked her small dinner and she didn't even complain!!! That's a first...

 

I don't know what to do. It's obvious that for some reason we both like being with each other.

I do like her. I cannot help it. It's not her fault i am having romantic feelings towards her. it seems she is simply unable NOT to touch me. Again i was keeping distance, i was making some sandwitch to us and suddenly she started hugging me from behind.

 

But my god! She can even make trance music with me! We had so much fun jamming and playing my keyboard together.

 

She is truly a bizarre woman.

 

I have no idea how to explain this anymore.

 

This is hard. This is so god damn hard.

 

I never, i seriously never thought she would have such an ability to make music. She was phenomenal. I mean it was her first time and she nailed all the notes from just listening and her rhythm was completely spot on.

 

Still. I have a feeling i am just her "escape buddy". She comes to my place when things get hard on her and she cames to get closeness etc. from me. So she is recharged again for her man.

 

I feel great, NOW. But after few days the withdrawal symptoms arise....

[goldway90]

"In this world, we pick our misfortunes from the tree of our incompetence."

[Protec]

"In this world, we pick our misfortunes from the tree of our incompetence."

 

yes, that is true. But yesterday... i didn't feel bad. The only thing that is making me feel bad is me. I make myself feel bad.

 

It was long friday, yesterday so everyone had free day from jobs (almost everyone) and instead of her spending her day with her current man, she decided to spend it with me. That is strange.

 

I really think she is confused too. I know her man doesn't like she is spending to much time with me. Although i don't know if she tells the truth to her man.

 

But once a week is bit too much for ex's to hang together and hug and stuff.

 

And again, i was not the one who started the hugging. It's her. I tried to keep my distance for a while but she gets all over me. She even hugged me so that she put her arms inside my t-shirt sleeves. And those hugs are not some 3-5 second hugs.

 

No. They last for minutes. Yesterday we hugged total about 40 minutes. We even spent 10 minutes on my bed.

 

"Only person i can hug at home is my kids".

"I wish i could spend more time with you."

"We are the same, you and I. It's like our brain is wired together"

"I know what you think. I've listened you music a lot and i like what you do"

"I don't want to leave yet but i have to. My kids are already at home."

 

Then why on earth is she dating such a guy?! To me psysical closeness and comfort is one of the key aspects in relationship. If i don't want to hug my partner or find her physically attractive in SOME WAY, or there is no emotional connection to my partner - there is no future in such relationship. I don't mean partner should look like a supermodel etc, but you know what i mean. There has to be SOMETHING you like about you partner. My ex is not perfect, she looks normal to most people, maybe even ugly to some, but to me she looks absolutely phenomenal.

 

i once was in a relationship that didn't have much spark. It was hell. No chemistry at all, not even on emotional level.She was nice looking, pretty even but there was no future. She was a nice girl, but just being nice and kind and pretty doesn't do it. There has to be something more. I just was with her so i didn't have to be alone....i see that now. Sex was boring with her, hugs were boring...there was no feeling, it felt cold.

 

And for some reason with my current ex there always was this emotional connection. It's still there. But she doesn't admit herself that emotional connection matters. It's all about money and things to her.

 

I swear if i would win in a lottery she would come running back.

 

Anyway, happy easter to everyone.

[Protec]

Again last night my phone kept beeping... My ex sending me messages.

 

"Your energy would calm me down right now. I would like to talk with you."

 

I was getting sleep already so we didn't talk.

 

We are not friends. I don't know what we are but we are not friends. She keeps calling me "buddy". But friends don't act like that towards each other.

 

Friends don't lay down on bed and hold hands.

Friends don't have sexual emotions towards each other.

 

There is way too much physical contact in our "friendship". We constantly touch each other etc. she says too nice words..

 

I know i would never act like that if i was dating someone new. I would never go to another womans place to get hugged.

 

I really do enjoy spending time with her but the problem is: I want more.

 

I want to take her out for dinner. I want to go swimming at the beach with her. I want to take her into a concert. I want to go into movies with her. I want to do everything with her. But i cannot.

 

I am not allowed to see her kids anymore "They would not understand". What kind of a friend is that? I cannot visit her home, i have a feeling her new man would not like it too much. What kind of friendship is that?

 

I am her secret hideout. I am her emotional support when she needs it. I am the closeness she needs, apparently her man is not much of a hugger. She tells me how good i feel, how she would like to spend eternity next to me, how time loses all it's meaning when we hug. How good scent i have, how relaxing i feel...etc.

 

that's not normal. I allow her to do it..and only i can stop it.

 

This is so hard. I really had fun with her when we made music at my place and went for a walk etc. I really enjoyed the day with her.

 

But she is a drug. I have so strong emotions when i am near her, my body starts producing all kinds of hormones. She is like a drug. And now that i haven't seen her in few days, i start to get...withdrawal symptoms. Like an addict. She is my drug.

 

It's so strong feeling when she is next to me. Apparently for her too since last time we saw she stopped hugging me. "I have to stop. My body is shivering. It's getting too hot in here". It's clear that she has same kind of emotions. she doesn't think me as a friend.

I am 100% positive about that. She is simply getting something from me...

[ML Hammer95]

At this point, I don't think anybody can say anything that can help you. When you will not help yourself.

[Protec]

At this point, I don't think anybody can say anything that can help you. When you will not help yourself.

 

I have to help myself. I can't keep going this on for long. I mean, i realy do LIKE her. and that is the problem. That is the only problem.

 

And i cannot kill my emotions towards her. Only option is to let her go. Maybe not go to No Contact, but just stop talking with her and not meeting her anymore.

 

This is very troublesome. I love being with her but i want more. We are not friends. I don't what it is that is between us but it's not friendship. Being friends doesn't make you feel sad. And right now i feel sad because i cannot be with her.

[ML Hammer95]

The world won't end if she isn't in your life. Why would you want to put up with someone treating you so poorly?

 

Whilst I was with my ex, I ignored advice and pleas from everybody to end it. Parents, sister, friends from home, friends at uni. Thinking I knew best. It won't surprise you to know they were all right. The point being it barely matters what other people say, the decision to leave and not being her life can only come from YOU. What would it take? Sounds like whatever she does, you just run back.

 

You can't kill your emotions if you constantly stay in contact!! By sticking around, she won't want to get back with you, because you're already there! What's there for her to miss?

 

Besides, you need serious counselling from the sounds of to address the feelings of emptiness, loneliness, hurt and attachment to someone so unhealthy.

[Protec]

The world won't end if she isn't in your life. Why would you want to put up with someone treating you so poorly?

 

Whilst I was with my ex, I ignored advice and pleas from everybody to end it. Parents, sister, friends from home, friends at uni. Thinking I knew best. It won't surprise you to know they were all right. The point being it barely matters what other people say, the decision to leave and not being her life can only come from YOU. What would it take? Sounds like whatever she does, you just run back.

 

You can't kill your emotions if you constantly stay in contact!! By sticking around, she won't want to get back with you, because you're already there! What's there for her to miss?

 

Besides, you need serious counselling from the sounds of to address the feelings of emptiness, loneliness, hurt and attachment to someone so unhealthy.

 

I am talking about my feelings of loneliness, emptiness with my therapist. Actually the next meeting i have with her we are going to dig up about my childhood.

 

But the problem with my ex now is not because she would treat me poorly. No, it's the complete opposite!

 

That past few weeks i've seen her and talked with her, i've had so much fun with her. We laugh, we hug, we make jokes etc. it's like we are on a date.

 

And it confuses me. She says she loves her new man a lot, still she is at my place, spending 7 hours with me and is all over me all the time. Yet she doesn't want to have sex. But she is constantly touching me, hugging me, telloing how wonderful i feel, how relaxing it is being with me, how good scent i have.

 

She touches my arms (biceps), plays with my hair, she even lied next to me in bed with her head on my chest, and we held hands tightly. 10 minutes wejust lied there...

 

I know. That is cheatin. I am helping her to cheat her man. But yet still, i don't feel bad about that. I feel bad about feeling those feelings towards her.

 

And yes. I know if she would be in relationship with me, she would not be all that nice to me anymore. But when i am with her it feels like we are back in the days when we started dating (but without sex or kissing).

 

Why is she suddenly so nice towards me? After trying to destroy me and she even managed to destroy me mentally, at least in a way...she even threated to call cops on me again etc. even threatened to send some muscle guys to get me, suddenly she is all nice, very kind and absolutely wonderful woman.

[ML Hammer95]

Stop trying to figure her out, focus on you. Your life does not revolve around her actions and behaviour.

[Protec]

Stop trying to figure her out, focus on you. Your life does not revolve around her actions and behaviour.

 

you are right. But i cannot stop thinking "why?"

 

I mean she was so mean to me after breakup, downright evil.

 

Now? I haven't even sent her any messages today and beep beep, i received a message where she wishes me good night.

 

Something is not right. I can't quite get it. I don't send good night messages to ANY of my friends. Maybe after i have talked with them but mostly never.

 

Ever since we "reconnected" she has wished me good night or good morning, almost every single day.

 

Maybe she is not as happy as she claims to be.

 

And my brains are fried today. My cyclothymia is acting up again. I can control it, barely but it ruined my whole day. i've been very angry the whole day. I mean VERY angry. For no reason i've had very violent thoughts in my head the whole day. I have slept badly for few days and i was out drinking...

 

I know...i have to cut out alcohol. I have to. Those moments of anger have been what has usually destroyed my relationships. For no reason i am just super angry. But i managed to control it.

 

But it's scary. For no reason at all you are just angry

 

I managed to get rid of it by taking a hot sauna and imagining myself to a nice summer scenery.

[Protec]

Why on earth is she suddenly liking same type of music? Year ago I remember she didn't lie electronic music much, now she keeps sending me links to the types of songs I like and they are....electronic.

 

What on earth ia going on? Mirroring?

[ExpatInItaly]

Dear me, you're a gullible soul, OP.

 

This woman knows exactly how to manipulate you. That's why she's pretending to like the same music.

 

This is just another act in her game. Nothing more, nothing less.

[Protec]

Dear me, you're a gullible soul, OP.

 

This woman knows exactly how to manipulate you. That's why she's pretending to like the same music.

 

This is just another act in her game. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

Yes, i've been thinking that too. I mean when she dumped me before she always said "we cannot keep in contact anymore. I have a new man now".

 

Now she has a new man but she is still back.

 

It is kinda funny. I mean when we were dating, she was never interested in my music, or how i make it. Now she wants to participate and make music with me.

 

She sent me a message at day and "hey listen this. This is something i would like to create with you".

 

She is suddenly very nice to me. I even cooked her food last time she was at my place and you know what? She didn't say a word. i even messed up frying the steak and all she said "30 seconds more would have been nice :)" But nothing else.

 

When we were dating, and i made dinner to her she didn't even eat it all. "Oh, you used some pre-frosted potatoes.... i really don't like this" and she looked like the dinner had cancer in it. It was perfectly eatable.

 

But now? Completely different.

 

She even wanted to go out walking with me last friday.

 

She keeps sending messages how she needs my energy and we are like a phoenix bird with different colored wings (meaning we are opposites).

 

and i really am confused. Last time she was so nice to me was when we started dating. But, i do remember everything she did to me.

 

Suddenly getting cold, suddenly starting to nitpick about everything, everything i did was wrong, i was wrong, i was fat, my voice sounded stupid, my closeness didn't feel nice etc.

 

I remember.

 

And she does know how i feel about her. She knows i care about her.

[Protec]

And i continue a bit.

 

She also used to hate my apartment and this neighbourhood. Now she never says anything. She doesn't even complaing i don't have a sofa.

 

I also made her sandwitch and she didn't complain once. She ate it and looked like it tasted good!

 

When i made her sandwitches before...she always complained. I used wrong cheese, wrong butter or something else.

 

It's like she is complete opposite towards me now.

 

Even i am more relaxed around her than when we used to date. I was always walking on eggshells, now i really don't care. I do what i do and if she doesn't like it, then it's her problem.

[goldway90]

now i really don't care

 

Stop lying to yourself for the love of God. You're typing walls of texts, making excuses trying to figure her out, not to mention cooking meals for her. then you claim not to care! come on.

 

She's an unmedicated bipolar, her behavior is irrational. You simply can't/ won't understand no matter what. Can't believe after many posters told you how manipulative this woman is, even your therapist mentioned that you're still ignoring the advice.

 

This cycle will never end unless you start being honest with yourself and get proper help for your own issues.

[frigginlost]

Dear me, you're a gullible soul, OP.

 

This woman knows exactly how to manipulate you. That's why she's pretending to like the same music.

 

This is just another act in her game. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

No Offense Expat, but it is you who is gullible as well as anybody else falling for this deflection the OP keeps using. He is not sane in my opinion, and I would put money on it that he is the one doing all the contacting of her.

 

I believe he uses these boards not for advice, but to off-load guilt and sucker people into justifying his obsessions. He then "spins" the table back onto himself and agrees with everybody that he is the issue only to return spinning the table back to focus on her.

 

He's a manipulator. And not a very good one in my opinion.

 

He wants no help. He wants to fill his supply of neediness.

[Protec]

No Offense Expat, but it is you who is gullible as well as anybody else falling for this deflection the OP keeps using. He is not sane in my opinion, and I would put money on it that he is the one doing all the contacting of her.

 

I believe he uses these boards not for advice, but to off-load guilt and sucker people into justifying his obsessions. He then "spins" the table back onto himself and agrees with everybody that he is the issue only to return spinning the table back to focus on her.

 

He's a manipulator. And not a very good one in my opinion.

 

He wants no help. He wants to fill his supply of neediness.

 

No i am not doing the contacting. Yesterday i didn't send her any messages and she was the one who wished me good night. I actually am trying to keep my distance a bit. And even today, i only said good morning to her, she has bombed me with messages whole day. Sending links to songs etc. Now she send me messages how we should shoot music videos for our songs and tells how wonderful food she made.

 

Currently she is doing about 70% of the contacting. I am merely just responding to her messages.

 

She has suggested every meeting. Ever since our "reunioun" which was her idea, she has been the one to suggest when we see etc. Even last friday was her idea. I just said ok.

 

Whenever i try to suggest something, she tells she is busy etc. so she is in control now, not me.

 

And again, i am not trying to manipulate anyone and i am perfectly sane. Again, i am telling these same things to my therapist and my psychiatrist even, and they don't see nothing wrong with me. Other than i have co-dependency issues and cyclothmia.¨

 

Frigginglost, i ask you, please don't jump to conclusions. You don't know me. At the moment, you are friggin lost.

 

I am here to write about what is going on, i try to understand her better as i am trying to understand myself better. i have no intention of manipulating anyone.

 

I don't think i am that good i can fool healthcare professionals.

[frigginlost]

No i am not doing the contacting. Yesterday i didn't send her any messages and she was the one who wished me good night. I actually am trying to keep my distance a bit. And even today, i only said good morning to her, she has bombed me with messages whole day. Sending links to songs etc. Now she send me messages how we should shoot music videos for our songs and tells how wonderful food she made.

 

Currently she is doing about 70% of the contacting. I am merely just responding to her messages.

 

She has suggested every meeting. Ever since our "reunioun" which was her idea, she has been the one to suggest when we see etc. Even last friday was her idea. I just said ok.

 

Whenever i try to suggest something, she tells she is busy etc. so she is in control now, not me.

 

And again, i am not trying to manipulate anyone and i am perfectly sane. Again, i am telling these same things to my therapist and my psychiatrist even, and they don't see nothing wrong with me. Other than i have co-dependency issues and cyclothmia.¨

 

Frigginglost, i ask you, please don't jump to conclusions. You don't know me. At the moment, you are friggin lost.

 

I am here to write about what is going on, i try to understand her better as i am trying to understand myself better. i have no intention of manipulating anyone.

 

I don't think i am that good i can fool healthcare professionals.

 

I'll just say, read what I have highlighted.

 

Everyone here on these boards have tried to help you. After a while the arm gets tired trying to beat a dead horse.

 

There is nobody on these boards that does not want the best for you, but you have got to take ownership in yourself at some point and admit what you are doing.

[Blanco]

I don't think he's fabricating what his ex is doing, but I do agree that these threads are more about seeking engagement/attention from other people. He has made it clear that he's not going to cut this woman out of his life, and so it really is pointless for anyone to bother offering suggestions.

 

We cannot live the OP's life for him, and so if he wants to solve his addiction without cutting out the source of his addiction, that is his choice to make and the consequences that will come with that choice are entirely his to deal with. With that in mind, I do think it's best for all of us, myself included, to consider how we may be only adding fuel to this mess by continuing to add responses.

[Protec]

I don't think he's fabricating what his ex is doing, but I do agree that these threads are more about seeking engagement/attention from other people. He has made it clear that he's not going to cut this woman out of his life, and so it really is pointless for anyone to bother offering suggestions.

 

We cannot live the OP's life for him, and so if he wants to solve his addiction without cutting out the source of his addiction, that is his choice to make and the consequences that will come with that choice are entirely his to deal with. With that in mind, I do think it's best for all of us, myself included, to consider how we may be only adding fuel to this mess by continuing to add responses.

 

I really appreciate your responses. Every day i am thinking about how to solve this mess without hurting myself in the process. I KNOW, i cannot keep this going for long.

 

I am stuck again. I do feel better than before, but i have developed feelings towards my ex again. She has been....PERFECT, lately. Yes, i said that intentionally. There is something going on now. She is literally everything i want her to be.

 

She likes my music, is interested in my music, wants to spend time with me, we like similar movies, we enjoy being close each other, we "understand" each other. We are twin-flames and all kinds of things...

 

It's TOO GOOD to be true. I don't know, if she is just testing me how much i can take. Or maybe she is trying to get me act sexual at her so she could report on cops and tell i tried to rape her (my therapist thought this could be a possibility...afterall, she failed to destroy me)

 

I mean last time she was here. She hugged me like never before. she was standing in front of me and she tackled me with her rear...

 

She even talked about sex and then "oops...sorry i forgot you haven't got laid in a while". It's all intentional. It's like she is testing how much teasing i can take.

 

When we hugged she stopped few times "oh..it's getting so hot in here. And i am not talking physical hotness" "Ooooh my body is tingling....we have to stop before it goes too far."

 

Teasing. Teasing. Teasing. And i allow her to do it.

[Blanco]

Every day i am thinking about how to solve this mess without hurting myself in the process I KNOW, i cannot keep this going for long.

 

I am stuck again. I do feel better than before, but i have developed feelings towards my ex again. She has been....PERFECT, lately. Yes, i said that intentionally. There is something going on now. She is literally everything i want her to be.

 

She likes my music, is interested in my music, wants to spend time with me, we like similar movies, we enjoy being close each other, we "understand" each other. We are twin-flames and all kinds of things...

 

It's TOO GOOD to be true. I don't know, if she is just testing me how much i can take. Or maybe she is trying to get me act sexual at her so she could report on cops and tell i tried to rape her (my therapist thought this could be a possibility...afterall, she failed to destroy me)

 

I mean last time she was here. She hugged me like never before. she was standing in front of me and she tackled me with her rear...

 

She even talked about sex and then "oops...sorry i forgot you haven't got laid in a while". It's all intentional. It's like she is testing how much teasing i can take.

 

When we hugged she stopped few times "oh..it's getting so hot in here. And i am not talking physical hotness" "Ooooh my body is tingling....we have to stop before it goes too far."

 

Teasing. Teasing. Teasing. And i allow her to do it.

 

There. I crossed out everything that is not relevant.

 

Nobody cares what she's doing. Seriously. It's so boring to read, because it's not at all important to your own issues. She didn't just magically change overnight, so stop telling us all the ways she's suddenly improved. It's meaningless.

 

You're a grown man. Stop carrying on like some 4-year-old kid who is easily fooled by some slight-of-hand trick.

 

Cut her off or stop posting about your interactions with her, because I promise you that no one cares how much she "likes" your music or apartment or goldfish or whatever. It's so besides the point that it feels insulting as a reader that you keep mentioning it.

[Protec]

There. I crossed out everything that is not relevant.

 

Nobody cares what she's doing. Seriously. It's so boring to read, because it's not at all important to your own issues. She didn't just magically change overnight, so stop telling us all the ways she's suddenly improved. It's meaningless.

 

You're a grown man. Stop carrying on like some 4-year-old kid who is easily fooled by some slight-of-hand trick.

 

Cut her off or stop posting about your interactions with her, because I promise you that no one cares how much she "likes" your music or apartment or goldfish or whatever. It's so besides the point that it feels insulting as a reader that you keep mentioning it.

 

I just want to know why she is doing it. It drives me crazy. She actually praised my music today. She has never praised my music before. She has liked my songs yes but she actually said "You really know how to make good music".

 

What the hell. But yes. You are right. But i am writing these if someone has had something similar going on...

 

I try to write less about her. I don't know if i handle it well if she disappears now. I know i cannot cut her out, at least not yet.

 

I try to improve. at least i have more energy these days than before, so something positive has come out from all this.

[Altair0770]

Man... this is going to be a long post.

 

So I've tried to help you, and many have others. All you're looking for is validation from this woman. You want her so bad, are willing to sacrifice not having a relationship just to have her in your life, and then get buttered up and want that relationship back.

 

I recall at one point you mentioned you talking to your therapist and your therapist said she is a narcissist. Now I have a question for you, in fact, I have a lot of questions for you in this post. This will also be my last attempt in trying to help you out in this situation. Maybe a few back and fourths, but I also suggest everyone else to stop trying to help as well. It's impossible to change, in my opinion, so from what I see is you're reading peoples comments and trying to use her actions to validate how they're wrong, when ultimately people are just trying to help you get over this woman that you're no good for, and she certainly isn't any good for you. If you want to progress in life and not be stuck in this rut, you'd walk away forever, and stop her hoovering bullcrap from affecting you. It's difficult, but you have no progressed at all and have fallen victim to a narcissist's trap.

 

So my first question - do you even know what a narcissist is? If not, allow me to explain.

 

I have first hands experience with a narcissist because, vala, my ex fits every description of a narcissist in the book.

 

A narcissist can be summarized by a quick google search.

 

a person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves.

 

While that seems simple, let's break that down to a true, more in depth definition.

 

Narcissists (if your ex is one, we'll figure that out in following questions) think the world does revolve around them. They won't realize their narcissists, which is why they won't change EVER. Even those that logically realize they are a narcissists, it's a personality disorder and thus, likely incurable.

 

So let me ask you, did your ex ever put you on a pedestal early in the relationship? Text you non-stop, try to get your attention, and use you for emotional support for everything?

 

Narcissists have three phases for how they use someone.

 

The first is what I call the "supply" phase. Now, Narcissism is likely developed from a clingy parent, sibling, or an unfortunate event that made them feel extremely vulnerable (I'll let my ex have the reason of being a narcissist because she was molested at a young age and her mother made her the top priority. Pictures all around her house of her and was always there when she cried).

 

Second question - does any of this ring a bell to your ex that you know about?

 

During the supply phase, a narcissist will try to sweeten you up, make it so all our attention is on them. You can't go a day without a bombard of text messages. They will also detach (another phase) from previous supplies. They start focusing 100% on you and tend to ignore their friends (other suppliers). They want all your attention, and act all sweet and kind to get that attention. Making a victim of narcissism fall in love with the narcissist. It's essentially baiting their victim.

 

This person that is "in love" (or the new supplier) with the narcissists then devotes all their attention, priorities, and love into the narcissists, thinking they are having a normal, regular relationship with them. The narcissist will use whatever ways to get someone to love them. Act like a danzel in distress (because they are), cry a lot, come to you with all their problems, use you for all emotional support.

 

At this stage, if you are dating someone that really rushes ahead in a relationship and could be a narcissist, look for the red flags (or look back on this stage). They treat you so sweet, but try to change little things, but in a threatening or demanding way. "You need to shave, you look so much better clean shaven!" "I don't date people that smoke". "You're only allowed one cup of coffee a day". In a way, rather controlling. But they'll still throw in things to make you seem like you're the top dog.

 

Why do they do this? Generally because they are envious of you, and deep down want the status you have. Alpha males are generally vulnerable to them. People that are leaders. (granted, men can be narcissists too, but in this case we're talking about women).

 

Now that you've confessed your love, and they realize they have you and will always have you because you are in love with them, they start the next phase - Devaluation.

 

This is essentially when they start getting comfortable that their supply isn't going anywhere. They use the supply as much as they can to get that emotional support. They take and take until they feel the bin is emptying. This is where they start to devalue you. They start to turn hostile, or lose that sweet side (their false self). They start realizing they have a lot of power in the relationship because you give them what they want (their supply). You cater to their demands, wishes, and do what they please. But, they want you to know THEY are the one in control, they are the one that pushes the buttons. So, they start realizing their source of supply is running out. It's not as satisfying as it once was, and want you to know about it. They start treating you like crap, and essentially do a 180 on you and make you feel like your self esteem is crumbling. This leads to the final stage - detach.

 

This is where they break up with you. Despite you being the perfect man, they leave you and move onto a new supply source. They get everything they want out of this new supply source and despite that previous supply source being great, this new one is that... new. They love it, and have given up on the previous source of supply.

 

Then that cycle continues. Some narcissists move on to new supply after new supply after new supply, breaking hearts and breaking people. They don't care though, as they just aren't able to process empathy. Anytime they feel "sorry", it's actually that they don't want you to feel any negative feelings towards them, so they seem perfect. Some narcissists return to an old supply when they feel that supply is truly gone or recovering and leaving.

 

So, they hover to that old supply. Narcissists HATE having a supply source regain strength and walk away, so they hover and promise just about anything to get that supply source back. BUT, eventually for a narcissist, even an old supply will run out for them, and they repeat that process. Getting back with a narcissistic ex is just asking to be dumped again.

 

Rather than feeling empathy or sadness for a loss, they feel anger and frustration. They may cry, but it's not that you are gone, it's that they lost that supply. They may say they care about you, but in truth, they only care about their supply being there for them whenever they damn well please.

 

 

Let's take it to a metaphor. I read this somewhere on a different forum so credit to whoever originally made it (I'm paraphrasing and going off memory).

 

Imagine there is a drug addict (the narcissist). They NEED their supply of drugs, like any drug addict will. So they have a drug dealer. This drug dealer is the perfect drug dealer. They're always on time, the price is reasonable, always providing good, safe, discreet service and their drugs are the best in town. The addict loves the supply of drugs. Not the dealer, but the supply. They go around smoking that crack for days, praising the drug dealer. But they only praise the dealer because they like that high, not the actual dealer. As long as that high never goes away that is provided from the dealer, they are satisfied.

 

Despite this drug dealer being the best around, they notice another dealer across the street. Sure the prices are a bit more spendy. They don't arrive on time. They aren't as discreet and their stuff isn't as good, but the addict knows he can go back to the previous dealer and get his supply anytime he wants.

 

He starts going to this new dealer because it's a new supply, and a new high. That's all he wants is that high. He doesn't care that the old dealer is like "what the hell? I have the best in town!". So the previous dealer tries everything he can to get the customer back, but the addict is enjoying the new high, despite the dealer not being as good. It's the same high in the end, and the addict thinks he can go to the old dealer anytime he wants. All the addict cares about is where he gets his high.

 

So then the addict gets comfortable with the new dealer, starts to devalue the old one despite the old one being better, and detaches. He doesn't care, he's able to get high all the time.

 

Then the cycle repeats from dealer to dealer to dealer. The addict doesn't give a damn as long as he gets his high.

 

Then the first dealer, the best one is like "Screw this guy" and eliminates his supply. Says you aren't ever welcome back, and is getting more and more customers and business is good. He's getting more attention from other addicts. The addict, despite being able to satisfy his high anytime he wants with any of these dealers, notices that a supplier to his highs is leaving, and becoming unavailable, and is better off without the addict.

 

The addict no longer gets that supply. But he's an addict, so he will do whatever he can to get his high and always keep that supply open. So he hoovers around the drug dealer trying to open that supply again, because despite switching from dealer to dealer, that original supply source was the best.

 

Let's put this where it could involve your relation. Granted, I don't know much about it, but I'm just taking your claim that she's a narcissist as a real possibility, and can see where you're coming from.

 

Your ex left you and now has someone else. However, this new person (a supply) doesn't fill all the voids that you did. So, while you start trying to get away from her, or try to put your foot down, or she feels that in anyway you are regaining your self esteem and recovering from this breakup, she latches on to you. She may kiss you, say she loves you, but ultimately she is just using you because you are a supplier to her needs. She doesn't actually love you, she just loves what you provide her to satisfy her needs - that is what narcissists do.

 

Everytime you try to escape, she comes to hoover and do anything to get that supply back. Unfilled promises of romance, fake apologies, compliments and returning to the pedestal to repeat the cycle. Like the drug dealer, she doesn't give two damns about you, she only cares about what you provide for HER. She only cares about that high (love is like a drug as some say).

 

This is, of course, assuming she is a narcissist.

 

So try to notice some red flags in your relationship. Did she latch on really quickly? Did she try to guilt trip you? Did she try to escape from fault despite things being her fault? Did she start devaluing parts of you? Did she ever try to make you jealous with the new boy toy to get you to try to be better to her because you want her back? Did you ever try to question her action and her response was "I'm sorry I'm a bad person!" (aka guilt tripping you into retaking any criticism)?

 

All these are signs of a narcissism.

 

 

I'm sorry to tell you bro, but if you are dealing with a narcissist here, all this playing the keyboard with you, kissing you, sweetening you up is so she can use you as much as she damn well please because you are a supplier. Even if she miraculously got back together with you, it wouldn't last, because eventually your supply would run out again.

 

Of course, narcissists don't realize any of this. It's a personality disorder. They aren't thinking literally "muahahaha im going to get my supply and run away!". It's a conciousless thing, and can't really be cured or changed, because even if they did make an effort, their personality is programmed to put themselves before everyone else.

 

As long as you keep giving her your supply, you will be stuck in this rut.

 

Your best bet is to give up trying to win her back, because the person she acted like to sweeten you up and care for her is not her true self. It's her false self. That false self never existed, it was just used to get that supply.

 

 

If I were you, I'd do what I'm doing with my narcissistic ex. No contact and recover. If she contacted me, I'd have to ignore. Any comment I make gives her a bit of supply and will just increase the hoovering until we're back together, but only temporarily, because she would repeat the cycle.

 

She wants to use everything about you but doesn't want to commit. That's likely a narcissist, especially if she doesn't let you go.