We kissed with ex, now what?

[Blanco]

Sorry man, but that was a total waste of time posting all of that. OP identified his ex as a narcissist a YEAR ago in another thread. He did plenty of reading about them, and was even advised last SUMMER that he had done enough reading to understand the tendencies of narcissists and all that was left to do was disengage and carry on with his life.

 

Again, he is not really interested in answers to the questions he puts out there. They are more rhetorical than anything at this point, because people have answered them time and time again, and all he does is continue to pose them again and again.

 

He won't cut her out, because it's attention, just like he won't stop making these threads where he openly ignores all of the advice. It's attention, and for someone who admits he is hopelessly lonely, any attention is better than no attention.

[Altair0770]

Sorry man, but that was a total waste of time posting all of that. OP identified his ex as a narcissist a YEAR ago in another thread. He did plenty of reading about them, and was even advised last SUMMER that he had done enough reading to understand the tendencies of narcissists and all that was left to do was disengage and carry on with his life.

 

Again, he is not really interested in answers to the questions he puts out there. They are more rhetorical than anything at this point, because people have answered them time and time again, and all he does is continue to pose them again and again.

 

He won't cut her out, because it's attention, just like he won't stop making these threads where he openly ignores all of the advice. It's attention, and for someone who admits he is hopelessly lonely, any attention is better than no attention.

 

 

T'is okay, was therapeutic for me

[AT15]

He's an addict too. Getting off on a high that she's gives him.

[Altair0770]

Agreed.

 

 

I think you need to go to addiction therapy man. if this has been going on for years, you need help. Seriously. Not trying to be offensive at all. Just watching out for you buddy.

[Protec]

Agreed.

 

I think you need to go to addiction therapy man. if this has been going on for years, you need help. Seriously. Not trying to be offensive at all. Just watching out for you buddy.

 

that long post was very well written and you what you wrote was spot on.

 

And you all are right. I guess after all i want her validation and something she can give me.

 

I just don't understand why my friends are not enough? But of course, my friendships are stable, they are secure. Normal. And from my ex i can get closeness...at least almost every time we have hugged like crazy. That's something i need. I miss being close to other person.

 

Ever since we "re-united" she has been very nice towards me, and i mean very nice. Again today she compllimented my music. "You are good. I mean really good. I like your music much more than some real artists out there". And yes, i am good. I am in spotify so i have some talent in me, but still.

 

I do have a feeling she is using me as triangulation to make her new man jealous. Just like when we dated, she suddenly started to take her phone in bathroom with her, she hid her phone, she started to go out much more etc.

She made me jealous. Afraid of losing her. And it worked.

 

Now she is doing the same thing to her new man. She is making her new man jealous, while she is getting more supply out of me...

 

This is all very confusing since i do remember everything she has done to me.

I remember how she suddenly didn't even want to touch me for days just because i dared to say "no" to her request. I remember when she suddenly went all cold, like i did not even exist. She did not even wake me up and let my dinner go cold. "I am not your alarm clock". I had pneumonia then. I was in terrible shape. No sympathy whatsoever. But i do remember her whining about "You really ruined the whole winter, we didn't do anything together". Well...sorry for being sick for almost 2 months. I was in so bad shape, even walking up stairs took lots of effort. I had some kind of infection in my respiratory system.

 

And now? She made me a necklace, she gave the bracelet back to me she gave me as BD present last year (i gave it to her when we broke up. I said to her when she wants me back she could give it back to me), she gave me cooking book, she gave me scarfs as a present, she paid my movie ticket (of course i will pay it back), has complimented my music, constantly tells how wonderful it is to hug me and complains that she has NO ONE at home who she can hug and how she hates the kids of her new man.

 

But anyway. I don't know how to detach from her. I am too obsessed with her. Maybe because i cannot find anyone to date even. I am in three different dating sites and so far i have met one (1) person. I cannot even get a match in Tinder! Maybe it's broken....

 

So basically i am feeling that i am worthless and no one expect my ex likes me.

Edited April 19, 2017 by Protec

[Altair0770]

Umm... hate to break the news. Narcs don't care about you, they care about what you provide.

 

She's only sweetening you up to devalue you again.

[Protec]

Umm... hate to break the news. Narcs don't care about you, they care about what you provide.

 

She's only sweetening you up to devalue you again.

 

I know she doesn't care about me. I learned that now when i reconnected with her. Because she is doing the same things on her new man that she did with me. And when a woman who is newly engaged, lies on the bed with her ex bf and holds hands (me), then you know, she doesn't really care about her new man either. If you REALLY care about someone, you don't cheat them. Not even emotionally. And i would count hugging on bed cheating. Definitely.

Everything you cannot do in front of your partner is cheating. And i kinda doubt her new man would like to see when we hug each other for 10 minutes straight and tell all kinds of sweet things to each other.

 

So it never was my fault she cheated or treated me badly. It was all about her. There was nothing i could do differently. That is what i learned when i reconnected to her. Since i blamed myself for so much about that cheating. "What if i had loved her more...bought her something...being a better man..."

I did plenty. I loved her. I showed it to her. Still she cheated. And now she cheats her new man and she just got engaged.

 

What does she gain by devaluing me? I have not told her i love her or i haven't begged to get back in relationship with her. She knows i like her though and i would like to...well, get undressed with her, that's all.

 

But i just wonder is it just my closeness she needs from me? When i met her the very first times she already then praised how different it feels to be close to me, and even today, she still keeps saying the same thing. And i even remember her saying "Who needs a man with a lots of money if he is cold to touch? You are warm and loving, this is what i need".

 

So apparently she needs a man who has both. Money and warmth. She seeks this ULTIMATE man who is everything. Has lots of money, is great lover, great hugger, emotionally deep, sensitive, tough, creative...etc. She seeks something that doesn't exist. She has so high standards for a man it's impossible to find something like that.

 

Just few weeks ago she praised how she has now found the most amazing man on earth. This man can do ANYTHING. Well. There she was. lying next to me complaining how she feels complete only when i am around her.

 

I know she is lying to me. A truly happy person would never behave like that. I have never rubbed my new relationships to my ex's faces. Never. I've never told someone is better or more perfect than someone else or prettier etc. That is not cool-

 

 

 

"Can you please give the missing piece back to me?"

"Oh, so you feel it too?

"Yes. And it's ANNOYING. It feels like i am dressed but i am missing a sock.

I'll manage, but i'd rather be fully dressed."

 

She has same feeling as i do. Instead of missing a sock, i feel this...void, empty space inside me. And i have no idea how to fill it. But when i am next to her, close to her, i feel complete. I don't feel empty anymore.

For some reason my friends don't erase the void. I feel empty and lonely even amongst my friends.

 

Also interesting what she said was "You are the only one i can hug and of course my kids". She usually belittled me and called me a "3rd child" when we were in relationship.

 

But i find it kinda interesting that if i am really the only person she can hug for a long time and feel comfortable around. Because that is a feeling you cannot fake.

 

Or...maybe she tells her man the opposite. "Oh can't stand being next to my ex. You are the only person i can be close to..." A possibility but i doubt it.

 

Chemistry is something you cannot fake. Can narcissist even fake chemistry? I doubt that. I think narc would complain about it immeadely "You smell strange...i don't want to be close to you. Why can't you smell nicer, like my ex did?"

[VeveCakes]

Oh dear we are back here yet again.

 

Protec you have been given solid advice on how to move past this such as;

 

Go NC

Stop Drinking

Get therapy

 

So you have therapy but do you really? I find it impossible to believe your therapist would ask "how on earth you deal with those emotions". No therapist would form a question like that. Not a good one anyway. I agree you need a new therapist like PRONTO.

 

Have you stopped drinking?

You have never ACTUALLY gone NC. Be honest here. Try it.

 

Did you read the book Attached yet?

 

The fact you have tried none of the advice given over and over shows this is not about her it's about you. Only you can control your life and you seem to really enjoy this ridiculous cycle.

 

It does not matter WHY she does what she does. All that matters is that she does not do ANYTHING for you, or for your happiness.

[Protec]

Oh dear we are back here yet again.

 

Protec you have been given solid advice on how to move past this such as;

 

Go NC

Stop Drinking

Get therapy

 

So you have therapy but do you really? I find it impossible to believe your therapist would ask "how on earth you deal with those emotions". No therapist would form a question like that. Not a good one anyway. I agree you need a new therapist like PRONTO.

 

Have you stopped drinking?

You have never ACTUALLY gone NC. Be honest here. Try it.

 

Did you read the book Attached yet?

 

The fact you have tried none of the advice given over and over shows this is not about her it's about you. Only you can control your life and you seem to really enjoy this ridiculous cycle.

 

It does not matter WHY she does what she does. All that matters is that she does not do ANYTHING for you, or for your happiness.

 

I have cut down on alcohol. But it's hard to get completely rid of it, i admit. I don't drink much but i use it to hide my anxiety. USually it just makes it worse though. I try to stay sober this weekend.

 

There is something i miss from my life right now. It's not job, it's not friends, it's not my hobbies, I cannot keep myself busy enough to fill the void. Last night i went running, for a moment i felt ok, but when i stop running the feeling comes back.

 

I even tried tinder. You know what? within 80km radius from my home city, i got 5 matches and not a single date. I cannot even find anyone to date me. If i could date someone maybe i could get my mind off my ex.

 

I feel like i don't belong anywhere. I have no idea. I know i love making music, i know i love sports (gym, running). i love cars, i know what i enjoy and what i like .STill i feel so empty all the time.

 

and only time when i don't feel empty is when i am next to her. How do i get rid of this feeling of emptiness?

 

What am i missing? I know going NC won't help. I tried it. I missed her so much during the NC and almost every time i got drunk i tried to call her, etc. At least now i don't have to wonder how to contact her anymore. When i was in NC i prayed almost every night she would send me a message.

 

I need to find a purpose in my life. What to live for.

 

And yeah, not even my family can remove that empty feeling. It's no matter where i am. Amongst friends or family, i feel empty, lonely.

 

I have always felt lonely. My whole life i have felt i am alone and i don't belong anywhere. Even when i have dated some women.

 

This is the first time in my life i have felt i am complete, that i found my home and where i want to be. Why on earth it's her? I know she doesn't care about me, she never loved me. If she would, she would be with me.

 

I understand everything you say. But if i go NC i know right now i cannot handle it. Maybe if i had a good week...but unfortunately i am "down" at the moment.

 

I can do this. I know i can.

[goldway90]

Writing walls of texts for people on the internet won't help if you don't actually follow basic advice. Honestly seek professional help, change that therapist of yours ASAP.

[Protec]

She is a good therapist. We are now going through my childhood. There has to be something there why i cling so hard on certain people.

 

No matter how good the therapist, they cant force me to do things.

 

And my ex pulled back again. I suggested japanese food, she did not even respond. Just like back then...she starts to pull back, not answering my questions.

 

We are not friends...she is just Using me.

 

I need to let her go. Somehow i need to find the strenght. Maybe if i buy a new game and keep myself busy with that so i dont concentrate on her.

[goldway90]

No matter how good the therapist, they cant force me to do things.

 

Or maybe you don't want to change, your statement and refusal to actually do a basic no contact is proof that you're in denial.

 

A video game won't help you achieve anything if you refuse to cut contact with this woman.

[Protec]

Or maybe you don't want to change, your statement and refusal to actually do a basic no contact is proof that you're in denial.

 

A video game won't help you achieve anything if you refuse to cut contact with this woman.

 

I cannot do it. I cannot. I will get physical symptoms if i cut her off. I am too attached to her. I can't do it.

 

We had a good converstation with therapist today. She is very interested why i cannot let go of her. It must have something to do with my childhood.

 

I tried no contact. For 6 months i didn't talk with her at all. I just sent random text messages and emails to her, usually telling how i miss her and she replied something nasty at me.

 

For 6 months my feelngs towards her did not change at ALL. Last summer i managed to do one month no contact because i was so angry at her.

 

Well, she contacted me after a month and i was weak and she dragged me back.

 

I can't take that pain. I just cannot take it. I know for 100% if i cut her off now and delete her number, block it and remove every contact. I know i will dig them up at some point.

 

NC doesn't work. It does not work in this case. Problem is not that she is treating me badly ATM. I am treating my self badly because i have developed feelings again for her.

 

I am just too lonely. I am so lonely i don't want to lose her. I have friends. I just spent last weekend with my friends but my friends DO NOT do the trick for me. I still feel lonely if i am with my friends. I feel lonely if i am with my family. Only person i can connect to at the moment is my EX.

 

Maybe i will cut her off at some point. But at the moment, i cannot do it.

[NuevoYorko]

 

that's not normal. I allow her to do it..and only i can stop it.

 

You're not allowing her to do anything. You're the one who is doing everything. Stop doing what you're doing, and, voila, this problem will no longer be in your life. Then you will have to deal with your own wreckage though, which is clearly not of interest to you. Better to continuously berate the woman.

[NuevoYorko]

I don't think he's fabricating what his ex is doing,

It makes no difference whether she's a murdering psychopath or Mother Theresa. This is a woman whom he physically abused. The police became involved. All of the talk about how she's a bipolar cheater is not appropriate in these circumstances. The ONLY thing here is the OP's obsession. His entire focus is to remain involved. Any of us here engaging on the topic of the object of his obsession and all of her faults is helping him to keep it alive.

[goldway90]

I tried no contact. For 6 months i didn't talk with her at all. I just sent random text messages and emails to her, usually telling how i miss her and she replied something nasty at me.

 

That's not no contact.

 

 

Maybe i will cut her off at some point. But at the moment, i cannot do it.

 

You don't wanna do it. Wanting to change is a choice, you either want to change and get better or you don't. The " in between" are called excuses.

[Blanco]

It makes no difference whether she's a murdering psychopath or Mother Theresa. This is a woman whom he physically abused. The police became involved. All of the talk about how she's a bipolar cheater is not appropriate in these circumstances. The ONLY thing here is the OP's obsession. His entire focus is to remain involved. Any of us here engaging on the topic of the object of his obsession and all of her faults is helping him to keep it alive.

 

Well, I certainly don't disagree with you. I've noted many times that this woman is merely a distraction for the OP so he does not have to deal with the deeper, more serious emotional issues that he has clearly carried most of his life.

 

I honestly think it would help for the OP to stop posting about this woman all together. She simply is not relevant to the real problems here. Focusing on her is like trying to treat a symptom rather than the ailment.

 

I'm trying to be sympathetic to what sounds like a lifetime issue, but it's difficult when he frames his need to have this woman in his life as being something unique that we can't possibly understand. I guarantee that just about all of us have cut off someone in our lives despite it creating an overwhelming amount of sadness, because we knew it had to be done to ensure a better life further down the road.

[Protec]

I am actually thinking about cutting her off. Again she sends me messages that she feels terrible and has hangover. So she has been drinking again and her kids are home!!

 

Her new man doesn't care. She doesn't care. And this time I am willing to do a child custody report if even once she tells me she has elles at her kids while drunk.

 

Please don't make me a demon because I hurt he physically. I am a human. I paid my price for it already. It was wrong. What else you want me to so? Cut off my hands ao I cannot ever touch a woman again?

[Ronnys93]

I am actually thinking about cutting her off. Again she sends me messages that she feels terrible and has hangover. So she has been drinking again and her kids are home!!

 

Her new man doesn't care. She doesn't care. And this time I am willing to do a child custody report if even once she tells me she has elles at her kids while drunk.

 

Please don't make me a demon because I hurt he physically. I am a human. I paid my price for it already. It was wrong. What else you want me to so? Cut off my hands ao I cannot ever touch a woman again?

 

I feel compelled to call the police on you from over the internet. Yes, it's that bad. You really need to change your therapist and block this woman.

[ML Hammer95]

In fairness, while I was my ex everybody in my life wondered aloud why I kept her in my life because they saw the pain I was going through. While acknowledging their advice, I thought I knew best and wanted to prove everyone wrong by sticking it out.

 

Needless to say I was wrong and eventually hurt myself so badly. These people aren't idiots, but the realisation has to come from within. While the OP goes round in circles like a dog chasing its tail, I cannot offer advice but read this thread with detatched morbid fascination.

[Haydn]

I am actually thinking about cutting her off. Again she sends me messages that she feels terrible and has hangover. So she has been drinking again and her kids are home!!

 

Her new man doesn't care. She doesn't care. And this time I am willing to do a child custody report if even once she tells me she has elles at her kids while drunk.

 

Please don't make me a demon because I hurt he physically. I am a human. I paid my price for it already. It was wrong. What else you want me to so? Cut off my hands ao I cannot ever touch a woman again?

 

Protec, she rejected your invite for Japenese food etc... (From a previous post)

 

Now you want to hurt her with a custody report??

 

If she`d accepted your invite i suspect you would overlook how she treats her kids or not how she treats her kids.

 

That`s just revenge for her not really wanting you. Never good.

 

Why don`t you just get out of her life? Leave her alone. It`s not her fault you get physical symptoms when you don`t see her or hear from her.

 

That`s on you. You alone.

 

You will not only ruin your life but hers as well if you keep this up.

 

Good luck.

[goldway90]

Please don't make me a demon because I hurt he physically. I am a human. I paid my price for it already. It was wrong. What else you want me to so? Cut off my hands ao I cannot ever touch a woman again?

 

There it is the manipulation people mentioned ( whether you're doing it intentionally or not). You're fishing for sympathy from people, wanting to shift the conversation to your ex again.

 

People here never called you a demon but you're not trying to take the right steps to get better, and let's be honest you didn't really pay any price for what you did. It's time for another therapist, your anger issues are a problem and the fact that you're thinking of doing child custody report just to get revenge is ALARMING.

Edited April 21, 2017 by goldway90
typo

[Blanco]

It's time for another therapist, your anger issues are a problem and the fact that you're thinking of doing child custody report just to get revenge is ALARMING.

 

It's not alarming to anyone who followed the threads last year where he did the exact same thing.

 

Sucks that the OP's concern for the well-being of his ex's children seems to largely depend on whether or not his ex is rejecting him at any given time.

[VeveCakes]

The fact that you feel physically ill when you go NC is a flashing sign that you need TO GO NC!! It's not easy for any of us to do it but we do. You don't because you don't want to.

 

Do you think we allgo NC and it's just simple? I cried every day for months. I would close my door at work and cry. I didn't eat. I would drive and bawl my eyes out. But guess what, I knew it had to happen if I ever wanted to be happy again. It's been 8 months and still think about my ex every single day but I just keep looking forward. Stop making excuses.

 

Alcohol does not help anxiety. Using it as a medication is an addiction. Have you told your therapist you are an alcoholic? Are you in treatment for that?

[VeveCakes]

I am actually thinking about cutting her off. Again she sends me messages that she feels terrible and has hangover. So she has been drinking again and her kids are home!!

 

Her new man doesn't care. She doesn't care. And this time I am willing to do a child custody report if even once she tells me she has elles at her kids while drunk.

 

Please don't make me a demon because I hurt he physically. I am a human. I paid my price for it already. It was wrong. What else you want me to so? Cut off my hands ao I cannot ever touch a woman again?

 

Your last thread you went on and on how wonderful she is. Now you're going to report her again? Get new help ASAP