feeling lonely, unmotivated lately

[palmsand]

This started after things fell apart with a girl I had been seeing in January and February, I will call her Jane. She was the first I had ever dated (I'm 23) and I think I was happier than I've ever been while seeing her. I felt an intimacy and acceptance that I've never had before. Not that I was in love with her but I really liked her. I was shocked when she ended things but I knew nothing was set in stone, can't really complain because it was great while it lasted.

 

 

I have been seeing more people since then, I'm actually stunned at how well things have been going with women but nothing like with Jane.

 

 

I started back at the University the week I met Jane, and I feel like my motivation and academic focus has suffered ever since. I have always been lazy, and never really applied myself, but somehow have done pretty well in school thus far. I think I am in serious trouble now with some of my classes.

 

Since meeting Jane, it's like my mind is clouded with thoughts of her. I was getting used to that attention and affection and intimacy from her, and I just don't feel 'alive' anymore without that. As well as thinking back over everything that happened and what we could have done and how great things could have been.

 

It's like I'm stuck in my head and just sort of detached from the world.

 

I feel like I should be happy because it was an amazing experience that I hadn't had before and I'm having much more success in dating than ever before.

 

I know it's just one person who I didn't see very long and it shouldn't be a big deal but I'm not able to get over it at this point. I just feel empty I guess. I need something to look forward to.

 

It's also possible I'm just using this issue to subconsciously distract myself from my responsibilities. I have no idea.

[spiderowl]

I can completely understand how you feel. I think it's pretty normal when a relationship breaks up. It takes a while for your focus to change from loss to being able to look outwards again.

 

I would suggest you see your uni counselling service. They might help you to work through this and feel some relief from being alone with it. They can also support you in helping you to work out how to manage your deadlines if you are falling behind.

 

Have you got friends you can talk to about this? Basically, I know it's tough and maybe you need to allow yourself to feel sad and cry over this. Yes, you can be the 'tough guy' on the outside but you still have feelings and, as you have found, they tend to have their way.

Edited March 26, 2017 by spiderowl

[palmsand]

Yes, friends and my brother who I've talked to. They have been helpful.

 

 

The more I think about it, school seems to be the driving issue here.

 

I think maybe some of it is burnout. I've been in college for six years now and have a particularly bad schedule this semester. Usually don't get much sleep before my 12 hour days and can't stay awake in the last class.

 

Maybe it's more like thinking about her is a way of escaping from the immediate issues at school to the joy that I felt with her.

 

I do see a therapist. Talking about it helps but of course there is no simple fix.

[RatherNotSay]

My friend, you somehow remind myself.

 

Its almost as if life lost its taste, and she's always there, with me wherever I go. Now its much less, but still not over it.

 

After doing research (yes this drove me crazy) I realized this is called heart broken. You still are. I can tell you this, the feeling of loneliness and sadness decrease with time, and it depends on how much you loved her. Unfortunately, in that phase, you get used to being unmotivated, you don't feel like doing anything, nor even know what or where to go. After you move on, I believe comes the step where you need to stand up and fight.

 

I'm not a therapist, but this what I can relate to your feeling mate, give yourself time, its fine, and if you're falling behind in your studies, do what I did. I studied.

 

Back at school, I couldn't fail, even though I didn't want to study nor do anything, so I just made myself study (with 0 motivation, I just simply did it). And I passed.

 

Now, again, I'm pretty unmotivated at work, but the feeling of loneliness and sadness is less.

 

Just do it mate, and in the end all will be okay, if its not okay, then its not the end.