! Should I feel this way!

[Dwill78]

Hi all. First post. I'm hoping for genuine advice. So I will start with the basics. I'm 39 and my wife is 37. We have been married since 1999. We have three children 17, 14, and 12. Our current living situation (and has been for just over a year) is that we live in the basement of her parents house while we repair finances and save for a house. We both are employed. I am a paralegal working 40 a week. She is a paraeducator working 32 at the same school as the kids. She also does additional duties like getting them and or her mom to appointments. I also assist in taking the kids to practices and work if they have it. We also have two dogs.

That's us. About me. Navy veteran medically retired at Sixteen years due to major depression, PTSD, and anxiety. I was discharged in 2013 and still adjusting life. I see a counselor, doctor, and therapist on a regular basis. I am consistent on my meds. I am (or at least told I am a superstar at work). My personal opinion is that I am a horrible father and even worse husband. I will explain why. Here is the timeline of events that brought us to here and now:

 

2009 - I asked for a divorce and moved out (it was hard and a bad decision but it's past). We spent 8 months apart as I started to see counselors. Realized I had depression anxiety and ptsd. Eventually begged to be taken back and start over. It hurt the kids and there is still a lot of residual damage there that I hold the blame for.

 

2010 - We got together again. Still married. Restarted our relationship while she and the kids lived on the other side of the state. She started college during our separation. I commuted every weekend to be there.

 

2012 - her still in college. She started an affair and possibly several. She Dave decided she wanted a break but never told me. She considers it her leaving me. I do too but I was unaware and not notified at the time. Lost 30 pounds in one month. Supervisors threatened to have me admitted as I began a mental breakdown and fell apart. I worked Security and could not function on a normal level anymore. NOTE : the children were unaware that she left me or had affairs. They are still oblivious to this.

 

2013 - i was discharged in January. She decided she would try us out again. She didn't like the fact that I would lose all benefits by not continuing. She believes it was solely my choice despite it not being permitted ever under any circumstances regarding military service. There was no retirement or ceremony. My last day in...she wasn't even hometowelcome or congratulate me when I got there. One of her mothers comments was "what are you going to do now, flip burgers?" The only job I could get in a college town was dominoes.

 

2014 - Two moves and I lost my job during the second move Iwas then able to get a job on a food truck which she didn't like very much. Pay wasn't enough. Then I got on with REI with a warehouse job. I was a top performer but it was killings my body and very low wages. While working there she decided she wanted to stay at her moms with the kids. No mention of leaving me or anything but she felt where we were was bad for her and the kids. So I was left there alone for six months.

 

2015 - I landed a great job near her moms hpuse. Almost double what I was making and what she makes now. And as before I am still a superstar at work. I can smile put on a good show for those eight hours. Moved everything but minor items into storage. I will admit now and even later I am not pleasant to be around outside those hours. I am openly admitting fault there.

 

2017 - Early in the year her father was home and one of the two dogs (my dog) to be specific pooped in front him. He made a declaration that we needed to get rid of her. I cried like a baby. It also took a doctor visit and two VA suicide help line calls for him to realize he shouldn't take my dog. He finally said ok I could keep it. That helped a little. We also started a budget that she is in charge of. Here's where it gets more interesting.

 

There are several things that I can't do yet due to illness and reasons. Bills and money are not them. Yes I can work my ass off and do it for someone else but not myself. So she handles the finances. I M required to write down or ask for anything I need. There have been several instances where she has miscalculated and she tells me just ask when I need something. Well eventually her responses turned to rolling eyes and eventually to accusations that I'm not spending on what I'm supposed to. In turn I can't handle the reactions so I stop asking for stuff. My shoes are worn, torn, and falling apart. Half my work clothes don't fit right due to weight variations. I might go three days without eating sometimes. She has decided that I get 60 a month for lunch. I should be thankful but I'm not. I asked her if I'm really supposed to give up my dreams or even wanting anything for myself till the kids are gone.

 

Aren't you supposed to reward yourself a little? I have to ask for everything. That includes food and snacks. I went to grab a yogurt to take to work and my daughter tells me those are theirs. I'm just fed up and hurting. When you feel controlled on top of depression it's miserable. How am I supposed to be happy or to try and make other people happy. She keeps asking why I can't just be happy. I say I have moments of happiness but they are short. I really can't control how I feel about anything and it's crushing me. It's really crushing the people around me. My counselor knows and thinks there is hope. She is a very demanding person. She cares but she recently admitted she is losing empathy and sympathy for me. She says it hurts and she doesn't like it. She says she has depression too. But if you really had would you continually make someone else who had it feel bad about it. I dunno.

 

I just need some insight if anyone's cared enough to read this far. Sorry for missing info but if you have questions go ahead and ask. Thank you

[Telemachus]

You shouldn't feel this way, and you don't have to. That said, I don't know how to dig you out of the hole that you're in. I've had low points in life (boss who wanted to fire me, wife left and divorced me, badly injured in a vehicle collision on an interstate highway (some injuries never healed), immediate family member murdered, son born severely disabled, to name a few, and I've never felt anywhere near as bad as you seem to.

 

Stick with your therapy, meds, and stay focused on mission and purpose. Regarding happiness, it's overrated and unnecessary. It's nice to have, but if you can't achieve it by adjusting your attitude, then let it go - don't make it a goal. It isn't nearly as important as having a sense that you're making the world a better place, no matter how difficult and painful that may be.

 

Your family situation is difficult, but you have a place to live and work. Honestly, as distasteful as it may be, follow your wife's financial program. $60 per week for lunch isn't generous, but it's reasonable. Having one of you control the money ensures that you aren't working against each other without knowing it.

 

Regarding diet, follow the instructions of your MD to maintain a healthy weight. He or she isn't going to tell you to eat a $50 lunch every day in an expensive restaurant - it shouldn't be too difficult to have it fit within your household, family, and budget/allowance situation.

Edited March 27, 2017 by Telemachus

[deadend17]

Please share what you did in the Navy or the experience you had that lead to you having PTSD? I'm a combat veteran with experiences that most would identify as a trigger for PTSD but I have not had any issues. I would like to share how I have successfully dealt with my experiences.

 

That aside.

 

YOU NEED TO GET TO WORK.

 

Get another job ASAP. You need to step it up and support your family. You need to get your family in your own home. You need to give your wife and children the security they desperately need.

[Dwill78]

Thank you both for the advice very much. To clarify a few things:

Navy experience was Security/law enforcement, anti-aircraft hijacking, prisoner (taliban) escort, VIP (Senator, First Lady) protection, the list goes on to duties just shy of the Teams.

The triggers are from abuse and I apologize but I'm not putting the details of that out there.

I am employed. I bring in $50k alone. We are fixing debt issues. But due to my handicaps she has control of all finances.

And also it was $60 a month for lunch or anything I wanted to do.

 

 

I get it if I need to suck it up. Am I being controlled? Am I letting it happen? I guess the mix of depression and the situation would be hard for anyone. Oh well. Thanks tho.

[deadend17]

“Always remember, others may hate you, but those who hate you don't win unless you hate them, and then you destroy yourself.” - Richard Nixon

 

I feel something similar can be said about past military experiences. If you let bad experiences consume your life, you will destroy yourself.

 

You are not the first and will not be the last with your experiences. Millions with similar experiences have gone on to live productive lives after war. Those who never reconcile their experiences eventually have a slow painful death from the war while at home.

 

It's time to start living for the future and not for the past.

[Dwill78]

Thank you dead end. Wise words!

[mrs rubble]

Thank you both for the advice very much. To clarify a few things:

Navy experience was Security/law enforcement, anti-aircraft hijacking, prisoner (taliban) escort, VIP (Senator, First Lady) protection, the list goes on to duties just shy of the Teams.

The triggers are from abuse and I apologize but I'm not putting the details of that out there.

I am employed. I bring in $50k alone. We are fixing debt issues. But due to my handicaps she has control of all finances.

And also it was $60 a month for lunch or anything I wanted to do.

 

 

I get it if I need to suck it up. Am I being controlled? Am I letting it happen? I guess the mix of depression and the situation would be hard for anyone. Oh well. Thanks tho.

 

Do you think you can regain some of the control she has over you? Start small- write down your needs and an estimate of the costs, ask for her to explain her and the kids expenditures so you can renegotiate fairly.

[Mr. Lucky]

In turn I can't handle the reactions so I stop asking for stuff. My shoes are worn, torn, and falling apart. Half my work clothes don't fit right due to weight variations. I might go three days without eating sometimes.

 

Dwill78, guess I'm confused. If you're earning a decent income, what stops you from accessing some portion of it to meet your basic needs? You seem to have bought into a situation that allows you to be treated like an invalid. Tough for her to respect you under those circumstances, even tougher for you to respect yourself. Man up...

 

Mr. Lucky

[jenkins95]

Dwill98, I really feel for you. Your posts make very sober reading. You have been through an awful lot in both your professional and personal life and continue to do so - you deserve more happinness than this.

 

Please forgive the bluntness and possible naivety of the following, but I'm just going to go ahead and ask it anyway....

 

Do you and your wife actually love each other? I ask this because there are quite a few non-loving things that both of you have done that come across from your posts (asking for divorce, affairs, control, etc).

 

If you don't love each other, don't you think you would be happier apart? Both being the best parents you can possibly be and perhaps becoming great friends (without the stresses of marriage) in the process?

 

If you do love each other - do you open up and bare your soul to each other - or do you hold a lot of this silently in resentment? I say this because this is one of my own major flaws. I find it very difficult to open up to my wife when I am down, and I ALWAYS feel better when I do.

 

Don't you think an awful lot could be solved if you spent the evening in each others arms basically opening heart and soul, crying together, talking through all the above events you've listed above (and others), both admitting the mistakes, saying sorry, allowing yourselves to be vulnerable, analysing what when wrong when and why and then telling each other that despite all this, you love each other.

 

Then the next night, taking it to the next stage and discussing steps as to how you can change and put things right.

 

Sorry if this is over-idealistic and simplistic and I'm not suggesting that this can be solved in two nights, but you see what I'm trying to say hare - conversation and openness wins every time over resentment and silence.

 

There must be something there, right? After all that cr*p, you guys are still together now.

 

Good luck. Keep posting.

Edited March 27, 2017 by jenkins95

[Telemachus]

Sorry, I misread the $60 to be per week, rather than per month as you wrote it. If she's your representative payee under a disability benefit, then she may be prohibited from giving you cash from the benefit, rather than spending it for your needs. I'm the representative payee for a disabled individual, and I'm not allowed to give him cash - I have to spend it on his needs.

 

If that $60 per month is from your current earnings from gainful employment, then you need to renegotiate that arrangement with her - that's not even enough for one carry-out coffee per day, and certainly not enough to buy shoes when you need them.

 

It still makes sense when you are repairing debt and saving for a downpayment on a house to have one person mainly in control and therefore responsible for getting you to your agreed financial destination. Maybe you need $100 per week in personal spending money for you, rather than $60 per month.

[Dwill78]

Thank you me lucky, Telemachus and jenks. It is very somber reading. I do plan to keep working on this despite how I feel. I'm sure a lot of you have been there. It's a feeling of being so low that I can't fight for myself or advocate in a civil manner the things I need. I do try sometimes but it usually only takes one or two valid arguments from her side and I end up giving up.

 

Maybe that talk with crying all night and baring our souls might be necessary again. Thank you all again greatly for reading and offering advice. I will continue to give this deep thought.

[Mr. Lucky]

I do plan to keep working on this despite how I feel. I'm sure a lot of you have been there. It's a feeling of being so low that I can't fight for myself or advocate in a civil manner the things I need. I do try sometimes but it usually only takes one or two valid arguments from her side and I end up giving up.

 

Go down tomorrow and get an ATM/Debit card that gets you access to the account. Use it reasonably to meet your daily needs. Lather, rinse, repeat.

 

You can only be held financial hostage if you continue to allow yourself to be. If you're earning $80-$100K annually between the two of you, no need to live like - or dress like - a homeless person...

 

Mr. Lucky

[FoundMyStrength]

My shoes are worn, torn, and falling apart. Half my work clothes don't fit right due to weight variations. I might go three days without eating sometimes. She has decided that I get 60 a month for lunch. I should be thankful but I'm not. I asked her if I'm really supposed to give up my dreams or even wanting anything for myself till the kids are gone.

 

Aren't you supposed to reward yourself a little? I have to ask for everything. That includes food and snacks. I went to grab a yogurt to take to work and my daughter tells me those are theirs.

 

So, I apologize in advance, but I'm going to come down hard on your wife here. Her behavior is controlling and inappropriate, and it sounds like she's teaching your daughter to jump on the bandwagon. Yes, every household has a budget, and sometimes sacrifices are made. It sounds like you're the only one being denied basic necessities. Worn-out shoes and not eating for 3 days? $60 a month for lunch? Your wife's father gets to decide that your dog is given away b/c he pooped on the floor? You are a full-grown man who works 40 hours a week. None of this should be happening.

 

Your post actually has me concerned about your overall well-being with your wife and her family. It sounds like she's taking the financial power that you've given her -- I'm assuming out of necessity and trust, b/c she's your wife -- and is abusing both it and you. Do you have family and friends you could turn to? I know this goes beyond the scope of your question, but I'd almost recommend consulting with those close to you -- family, friends, therapists -- about whether they think your wife is still acting in your best interest or if there's something else going on here.

[Dwill78]

Y'all are right. I do need to stand up for myself. This kind of thing has gone on for awhile. I am really scared of doing this but it seems essential. I haven't been able to talk to any friends or anyone close about this yet. I want to but I really want to avoid getting someone's opinion and having it seem like I am bashing her and not looking at both sides. I'm scared to say that it does feel abusive. Maybe it is but who knows.

She's not a bad person. But someone said recently to me that sometimes love isn't enough. I'm starting to ponder that really hard. I love her to death but I don't challenge her on anything cause of the responses I get. I smile and I can be in a good or decent mood at work. But my smile and all happiness disappears on my way home. I'm happy to see my kids and even her but now I mostly choose to be alone at home cause I feel beat down. I do meet with my counselor today so we will discuss this.

Last night I think was a turning point. Again I ran out of smokes. I decided not to ask her for money for a pack and so I asked nicely if I could have one from her. Her response was a long drawn breath as she stared at the wall and acted like I asked for her to go cook me steak. She handed me one and didn't say a word but said enough.

I didn't say anything this morning. She put two smokes by the coffee maker. I left em there. Might be a passive aggressive response but I give up. If I'm low on gas I'm just gonna let it run out so she has to come get me. Childish I know but this is how I'm feeling.

[Mr. Lucky]

If I'm low on gas I'm just gonna let it run out so she has to come get me. Childish I know but this is how I'm feeling.

 

Not just childish but counter-productive. If you want to be treated like an adult, have to act like one.

 

Low on gas? Buy some. Need new shoes? Buy some. Pants have holes? Buy some. In short, act like the employed and hard working man you are.

 

That man shouldn't have to bum smokes from his wife...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BluesPower]

Let's see here...

 

Your wife has cheated repeatedly on you multiple times with multiple men and you actually have no idea how many...Check.

 

She is a controlling witch that is making your life miserable in every way... Check.

 

You are struggling with your depression and PTSD... Check.

 

Why are you married? Why do you care one wit about her in any way? She has been treating you like dirt for years. Do you guys even have sex at all?

 

Why would any man put up with this for any reason, ever.

 

And listen, your meds are not working and your counselor is a moron as well. Have you actually been honest with your docs and counselor about what is going on?

 

Buddy, you have to get it together. You have to take control of your life and your medical treatment yesterday.

 

You are young enough to start a new life away from this horrible woman, why oh why would you stay with her?

[standtall]

No more crying...women don't love men they don't respect.

[IndigoNight]

Unfortunately, you do come across as bashing your wife. Another member even made a post trashing you wife, based solely on things you said. Maybe she is a control freak, who is ruining your life. Then again, maybe you have made mistakes that make her feel like the only way to ensure your family's financial stability is to control the budget, and micro manage you.

 

You know what I have learned in my many years (20+) of being a therapist, wife and mother? There are three sides to every story: yours, hers, and somewhere in the midst of those two, the truth.

 

Maybe when you grabbed the yogurt, and your daughter said it was hers, it was simply because she has certain items bought for her lunches and did not want to run out before she got more. That's not how you saw it though, was it? A member even mentioned something about how your wife was programming your daughter to control you too. (paraphrasing)

 

In your post you mention your wife limiting your funds because you don't spend it on things you should. Are you? Does she give you $60 for lunch, and you spend it on lunch? Or do you buy impulse items, or a nice lunch or two and run out of money early? Have you considered making your lunch, and keeping the $60 as pocket cash? Granted, $60 a month may not be much money for lunch, but there are a LOT of people out there who would be thrilled to have even half that amount.

 

You and your wife make over $100k a year, but live in her parents basement while your financial situation gets fixed. Is it really that unrealistic for her to be pinching pennies if, with that income, you have to rely on her parents putting a roof over your head? (From my own personal experience, when my husband and I had to stay with my parents for almost a year, he had no lunch budget (neither did I). We saved in every possible way that we could, so that we could get back on our feet. We both went without many comfort items, and made sure we were not a burden to my parents in any way by paying rent, and helping out around their house. Sure, it sucked. Life happens, and it's not always pleasant)

 

I am sorry if you feel like I am being overly critical of you. I just wonder if you are seeing things only from your point of view, to the detriment of your marriage, yourself, and life in general. It is incredibly easy to feel picked on, or taken advantage of, when dealing with depression, anxiety and PTSD. It can make the reality of life hard to see. (I have a lot of personal experience with all three, and am well aware of how crippling they can be.)

 

In your situation, living with her parents, under financial strain, I would be surprised if your wife, and even your kids, were not feeling depressed, and overwhelmed by everything going on. You are a family, and if you are not trying to fix the situation as a family, you will eventually grow apart, if you haven't already. You can tell it is happening when no one is happy, and the resentment and blame take over where family time and laughter used to be.

 

I wish you the best of luck, and hope that you will make full use of your therapy. If your wife is not in therapy with you, maybe the two of you should consider it. Just from reading your posts in this thread, the two of you seem to have some deeply rooted problems that go far beyond your financial situation.