4 years after affair, I'm still lost.

[Successfully Lonely]

Hello everyone,

 

First of all let me say I’m neither proud nor justified in what I’m about to write. I’m a failure. But I feel as though I need some guidance and coping techniques to overcome my current state. I'm a first time poster and wish I had known this forum was an option for me years ago. For those about to invest time into my story, I want to thank you in advance and I really appreciate your compassion for a complete stranger.

 

My story: This calendar time four years ago I was in the middle of an emotional and physical affair with a former co-worker. We were both married, early 30's. It was an amazing time in my life for many reasons. The good: I had a beautiful wife with three amazing children, I had an amazing career going for myself, I was in great health with a bright future. The Bad: realizing what a failure I had become because I didn't have the self-control to be faithful to my wife and I let another woman come between us (I believe there’s a deeper reason here between both of our marriages which to this day is still not resolved). Secondly, because I feel I had met the love of my life (To this day I’m still a prisoner to here beauty, kindness, intelligence, and compassion). I was in love with her and she felt the same about me. In her words, “I was an amazing man”.

 

Our affair continued on for almost 6 month. We spent hours, days, even a few weekends together with multiple discussions of continuing forward into a relationship when the timing was right. I have never experienced such amazing joy and horrible emotional pain of failing my family as I did during that time, but I couldn’t turn her off and there was no turning back. Our time together was exhilarating and she is an amazingly beautiful woman.

 

The more time we spent together our infatuation and connection grew. That added pressure on our relationship and things started to become increasingly difficult between us because I think she was starting to process her life and guilt was effecting both of us. Distance started to form because of this and with tears in both of our eyes we ended our relationship one afternoon in June of 2013. This was primarily her decision and she was brutally cold about it. I never forfeited my honor or my dignity by chasing after her, I respected her decision and the only thing I could do was to let her go.

 

On that day in June, we went our separate ways and have had no contact since. No texts, no emails, smoke signals, no nothing…We had one instance of crossing paths about a year later on a downtown corner block. I almost had a panic attack. She called my name and said “come hug me”. So I did. She said I look good, I backed away and I haven’t seen her since. I was crushed inside and my life rapidly began spinning out of control. It was the worst pain I had ever experienced and it’s had a seismic impact in my life to the point to haunts my presence

 

 

Two True Stories: 2014: I’m at a college football game in Dallas with +80,000 people and her face shows up on the jumbo tron. I had to verify with a stranger sitting next to me that the jumbo tron did in fact just show a blonde women on the screen which he verified with a crazy look at me.

 

2015: I’m watching a random NFL game in my living room on a cold winter night, the camera always bounces back and forth from the game to the fans, and there she was. Literally. On my living room TV. I rewinded it at least 20 times and froze the screen to make sure I was not hallucinating.

 

 

So why am I here writing this? It’s because last week I found her looking at my linkedin profile…which she knew I would see. This is the first time to my knowledge in four years she had ever showed any indication of reaching out to me since the day we separated. This has caused a lot of suppressed emotion to resurface. I would like to know from a woman’s perspective, what could be going thru her mind, and why now? I don’t know if she ever truly loved me, but what’s the need to check up on me? I’m clearly in a fog right now.

 

 

Conclusion: Four years has past and it has taken me all this time to recover. I still have a great career, a loving wife, and amazing children, but the sadness of that time still leaves me thinking of her every day and here I sit writing about my pain just to maintain a fugal attempt at a fake smile to the world that never shows up in my eyes. I have truly suffered in silence while being a husband (our spouses never found out) and a very involved father to my kids. I have recently moved out of state trying to rebuild my life, but I have a hole in my heart for her that will never go away. I will carry it forever regardless if I want it or not.

 

I’m neither proud nor justified about what’s happened to me. I’m a failure because I let down those who need me the most. I’ve accepted my current state, but to this day I am still in crazy in love with her and lost at the same time.

 

Thank you for reading my story and god bless.

[carhill]

Welcome to LS....

 

OK, four years post affair with no contact with former affair partner from either side, save for you noting her looking at your LinkedIn profile...

 

Neither spouse apparently knew of the affair or its end....

 

The former affair partner still comes and goes in your thoughts....

 

You state you're 'still crazy in love with her and lost at the same time'......

 

 

If inaccurate, please clarify/correct....

 

Questions:

 

What's your goal? You said you were 'rebuilding your life' after moving out of state. Is that the goal? Rebuilding and making healthy your married life?

 

If yes, what's your plan for doing that?

 

If this former affair partner has been renting space for free in your head, it sounds like you're stuck. Not processing it out, even after years of no contact. Have you considered individual counseling to gain tools to process it out? Have you and your spouse ever been to marriage counseling? Would you consider it? I ask because you speak of rebuilding your life, presumably with your spouse, making the M a priority.

[road]

You need to ensure NC is 100 percent.

 

 

Move far away this keep you from bumping into her on any corner,

any time.

 

 

Stop following football. NC football.

 

 

Change your email and phone number.

 

 

Close all social media accounts.

[Successfully Lonely]

Carhill,

Thanks for reading. Yes, your correct. What's my plan, you ask? Up to this point, let time and distance heal my wounds. I've been going thru the motions as a husband because clearly I'm having difficulties disengaging from her. The challenge I've been faced with; how does one rebuild his life after he made the decision he was in love with someone else?

 

I was at that point. Stupid to hear, but not from my perspective.

[Mr. Lucky]

I never forfeited my honor or my dignity

 

Au contraire, my friend.

 

I was crushed inside and my life rapidly began spinning out of control. It was the worst pain I had ever experienced and it’s had a seismic impact in my life to the point to haunts my presence

 

 

Two True Stories: 2014: I’m at a college football game in Dallas with +80,000 people and her face shows up on the jumbo tron. I had to verify with a stranger sitting next to me that the jumbo tron did in fact just show a blonde women on the screen which he verified with a crazy look at me.

 

2015: I’m watching a random NFL game in my living room on a cold winter night, the camera always bounces back and forth from the game to the fans, and there she was. Literally. On my living room TV. I rewinded it at least 20 times and froze the screen to make sure I was not hallucinating.

 

Me...me...I...me...me...me...I...

 

See a trend?

 

It's amazing how many WS see their wants and needs as existing in a vacuum, as though the spouse you promised to honor and love and the children you're obligated to protect don't exist.

 

Found the love of your life? How nice for you. Unhappy because she left? Too bad, so sad.

 

None of this happened by accident. You weren't carried away by a tornado, struck by lightning or crushed by a tsunami, but rather driven by some pathological need for further validation because a "beautiful wife" and "3 amazing children" weren't enough.

 

Were I you, I'd focus on understanding why that was true rather than worrying about who's checking my social media. Several things broken here and every bit of resulting pain is self-inflicted...

 

Mr. Lucky

[NTV]

I have found journaling to be very helpful.

 

As for feeling in love with her? It'll pass. No emotion lasts forever.

 

I want you to consider something. Consider telling your wife. If your love was real and was meant to be then you have no business be married to another woman.

 

The reason I think that you haven't already told her? Because you know this woman isn't that special. If she isn't worth divorcing your wife for she's not worth betraying your wife for.

 

Am I wrong?

[Successfully Lonely]

NTV,

Thanks for your time. I believe your right in your assumption that time will dissolve any and all connections, but in my case it only suppresses them. I did not disclose my situation to anyone, which I believe now has made it even harder to break my addition of her.

 

To answer your questions: I did not tell my wife because I seen no need in hurting her or hurting the children. It was my mistake, which I deserved. Ex AP ended it and I accepted it. For the record, we have been married 17 years.

 

In a confused state, the Ex AP is the woman i'm crazy about. I can't decipher if it's just fantasy or reality. I live in a different state and I still see her face as documented in my two stories. I can't really even process the statistical improbability of those occurrences.

 

If I'm being honest with myself, I want her to contact me and her hovering my social media is the only attempt in 4 years at that. I've made the decision I will not pursue this but that day last week has resurfaced all I thought was stored and locked away years ago.

[somanymistakes]

I would like to know from a woman’s perspective, what could be going thru her mind, and why now? I don’t know if she ever truly loved me, but what’s the need to check up on me? I’m clearly in a fog right now.

 

Sorry to say this, but a single social media peek after many years is not a sign that she is in love with you.

 

From the female perspective of having been hopelessly in love with an ex, there was a heck of a lot more stalking on my end than one single linked-in touch after many years.

 

A person's name coming across my mind once in a few years, causing me to look them up on facebook? That's idle curiosity, not burning passion. 'Oh yeah, that guy I knew in college, wonder if he ever got married?' That's it.

 

 

I disagree that emotions will always fade, because we do see people still stuck on their exes ten, twenty, forty years later. But they do recede to the back of the mind where those feelings aren't quite so distracting. Unfortunately, as you've just seen, sometimes something stirs them up and you have to temporarily wrestle with it all again.

[NTV]

So let's try a different route. ... why don't you feel like this about your wife?

[aileD]

Ugh your post reads like a bad romance novel, which should tell you one thing: you never left fantasyland of limerence with OW.

 

Six months, secret, infatuation, intense feelings....these are not indicative of LOVE.

 

Feelings in affairs always more intense . Because it's forbidden, secret, you only show the best of you to each other because you're limited in time.

 

She may be being nostalgic. Who cares? It doesn't mean anything

[Successfully Lonely]

Somanymistakes,

Thanks for reading. Your input is appreciated. I think the take away here is that I'm an idiot that's overly sensitive at the moment. Your right, it means nothing, but I would argue someone you had an affair with (she was married with children) and almost altered your density for, is more than platonic person whom I wonder if they ever got married.

 

I purposely do not stalk and check in on this woman for a quick 30,000' view.

 

But I think the message is clear. I'll continue on my path, fully understanding that multiple elements of my own psychology are in play here, but regarding her, there is nothing to consider...now and forever. As if that chapter never existed.

[Successfully Lonely]

NTV,

I don't know the answer and I don't know if it existed before any of this happened. Good question, I wish I had that clarity. I suck at my own inner self. My talent is making others feel better about themselves, not my own.

Edited March 27, 2017 by Successfully Lonely

[NTV]

Well I've got two things that might help. ..

 

First, as a betrayed husband who found out I regularly check my wife's stuff to see if there is more things going on. It could be her husband clicking on your linked in as easily as it could be her.

 

Second, you seem to be down in the dumps. Which is understandable. There's a mental exercise I go through when I feel uncentered. Picture in your mind the perfect husband. The one you feel like you should be. What would he be doing? How would he act? What would he say?

 

I also use the same exercise for work and being a father. Course it helps that I have only one teenager and the others are younger lol. Two teens and I'd probably be doing that exercise alot.

 

That's how I know when I'm being the best father/husband/employee I can be.... because I literally couldn't imagine doing it any better. Not foolproof lol but I don't think anything is.

 

Willing to try that once a day for a couple weeks? Journaling helps keep track of success or failures with it.

[harrybrown]

how would you feel if your wife had an A like you?

 

would that bother you?

 

She cheated with you. If you were married to her, would you be worried that she would cheat on you?

 

She is a fantasy, not reality.

 

You would be dealing with the breakup of your family, divorce, her kids, it would not be sunny and unicorns.

 

And you would have more expenses and less money. Maybe put some effort into your marriage. You got lucky and did not get caught.

 

Do something nice for your wife. That might help you.

 

It is greener where you water.

[Soxfaninfl]

Carhill,

Thanks for reading. Yes, your correct. What's my plan, you ask? Up to this point, let time and distance heal my wounds. I've been going thru the motions as a husband because clearly I'm having difficulties disengaging from her. The challenge I've been faced with; how does one rebuild his life after he made the decision he was in love with someone else?

 

I was at that point. Stupid to hear, but not from my perspective.

 

If your still in love with this other women then why are you still with your wife? Let her wife find someone else that loves her as much as she loves you. Your being selfish by staying with someone that you don't love anymore and cheating your wife out of the love she deserves.

[Soxfaninfl]

NTV,

Thanks for your time. I believe your right in your assumption that time will dissolve any and all connections, but in my case it only suppresses them. I did not disclose my situation to anyone, which I believe now has made it even harder to break my addition of her.

 

To answer your questions: I did not tell my wife because I seen no need in hurting her or hurting the children. It was my mistake, which I deserved. Ex AP ended it and I accepted it. For the record, we have been married 17 years.

 

In a confused state, the Ex AP is the woman i'm crazy about. I can't decipher if it's just fantasy or reality. I live in a different state and I still see her face as documented in my two stories. I can't really even process the statistical improbability of those occurrences.

 

If I'm being honest with myself, I want her to contact me and her hovering my social media is the only attempt in 4 years at that. I've made the decision I will not pursue this but that day last week has resurfaced all I thought was stored and locked away years ago.

 

I'll be honest, you should not tell your wife. Spare her the pain. All you will be doing by telling her is unburdening yourself. You should not stay with someone when you don't feel the passion and love you felt for this other women.

Edited March 27, 2017 by Soxfaninfl

[MJJean]

You and the OW were basically in a perpetual state of limerence or "new relationship high". In other words, you were both jacked up on some fairly potent hormones and chemicals. You were viewing each other not only on your best vacation/dating behavior, but also through hormone induced rose colored glasses. To put it bluntly, you didn't know each other as well as you think you did and you're basically pining not for the real woman, but your own construct.

 

I was a WW in my first marriage. I left that marriage and am happily remarried. I've had exAP's send friend requests and check me out on social media. My response is silence. There really isn't anything to say. They are people from a different part of my life and there is no place for them in my life now.

[Successfully Lonely]

You and the OW were basically in a perpetual state of limerence or "new relationship high". In other words, you were both jacked up on some fairly potent hormones and chemicals. You were viewing each other not only on your best vacation/dating behavior, but also through hormone induced rose colored glasses. To put it bluntly, you didn't know each other as well as you think you did and you're basically pining not for the real woman, but your own construct.

 

I was a WW in my first marriage. I left that marriage and am happily remarried. I've had exAP's send friend requests and check me out on social media. My response is silence. There really isn't anything to say. They are people from a different part of my life and there is no place for them in my life now.

MJJean,

Thanks for your comments and contributing to my story. Curious as to how your A ended, duration of time, any thoughts looking back as to why it happened and do you have positive or negative memories of the partner?

[Mr. Lucky]

MJJean,

Thanks for your comments and contributing to my story. Curious as to how your A ended, duration of time, any thoughts looking back as to why it happened and do you have positive or negative memories of the partner?

 

How are you possibly going to re-build a life when your entire emotional focus is on your AP?

 

On that day in June, we went our separate ways and have had no contact since.

 

Your affair isn't over, you're just not seeing each other right now. Tell your wife, work through the marital issues - or not - and find out how to live an authentic, emotionally connected life. You're not doing right by anyone as things stand...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Successfully Lonely]

Ugh your post reads like a bad romance novel, which should tell you one thing: you never left fantasyland of limerence with OW.

 

Six months, secret, infatuation, intense feelings....these are not indicative of LOVE.

 

Feelings in affairs always more intense . Because it's forbidden, secret, you only show the best of you to each other because you're limited in time.

 

She may be being nostalgic. Who cares? It doesn't mean anything

I figured that would be the feedback before I even made the decision of posting. This stupid decision has screwed up my life, feels almost permanent.

 

The things I used to like about my life, I now dislike. The places I liked to visit, I stay away from. The love I shared with others, is no longer authentic. All in all, I'm wiser for it and perhaps I can be a good mentor on the subject. Other than that, big mistake.

Edited March 28, 2017 by Successfully Lonely