He wants kids and I don't... been married 7 years!

[CharReign]

So we have been married for 7 years now. We are both 30 years old.

When we met, I made it clear that I never wanted children. He said he wanted children eventually, in the future but would be fine either way. As years passed he started agreeing that he didn't want children either.

I went from not wanting children at all, to possibly having one, but in 5 years. He says 5 years is a long time.

 

Now that the thought of going back to college and pursuing a new career has entered my mind, he brought up the convo about children. Told me "So you going back to school means no kids anytime soon huh?"

I reminded him that I said we can have children in 5 years and I'll be done with my degree in 3. He says he doesn't want to be old when the child is 10-13 years old, because he wants to enjoy and do things with our child. So he doesn't want to have children at 35-36.

 

I work retail, I am a store manager for a cosmetic boutique. We all know the crazy retail schedule... 8-9hour days, some nights, weekends and definitely holidays. He's a waiter for a private yacht company. I explained to him that we can't possibly have kids with these jobs and that we should want more for ourselves, before making that huge decision.

Especially Knowing that children change your WHOLE schedule when it comes to finding a baby sitter, picking them up and dropping them off at a certain time, being off on weekends and summer and spring breaks because they are off and doctors appointments and late nights in the emergency room etc etc.

 

He feels that he doesn't fit into my plans and that maybe we just aren't on the same page anymore because I want to go back to school and start a new career. And he feels that me having a full time job, college, studying, homework, and internships... we won't have time for each other.

 

 

Please help!! If I ever decided on having children, I think 5 years is the perfect timing, although I'm not 100% sure I even want children. I also don't want to have them soon, just because we "should" have them while we are young, even though I am not ready.

 

What should I do?

Edited March 27, 2017 by CharReign

[Mr. Lucky]

He feels that he doesn't fit into my plans and that maybe we just aren't on the same page anymore because I want to go back to school and start a new career. And he feels that me having a full time job, college, studying, homework, and internships... we won't have time for each other.

 

Boy, if he thinks jobs and school are time-consuming, wait until you introduce kids into the equation. Unlike a career or field of study, parenting comes with no days off, no lunch periods and few rest breaks. You'd both be on the clock 24/7/365.

 

And for that reason, you need to be on the same page when it comes to the timing of having children. If he can't handle that fact, he's not a great candidate for fatherhood in the first place...

 

Mr. Lucky

[mikeylo]

Since you can't promise for after 5 years as well, let him go so that he can find someone with whom he is on page. Their is middle in this issue. You either have a kid or you dont.

 

To be on the same page regarding your present and future goals is one of the most important things in a marriage or any LTR.

[dichotomy]

If you can commit in 5 years - not possibly - but real commitment AND you two are really in love and a good couple - then I see this as a compromise.

 

35 is not that old these days and if you want another -neither is 37-38. Yes there are some downsides, but also upsides to being older. I know this personally.

 

My thinking is this - if you to divorce - my guess is a minimum of 4 years for your man to go have a child. Divorce and break clean (6-12 months), Dating various women and finding right one (2-3 years), engagement/wedding (1 year), get home/make baby (1 year). Bam - he is at 4-5 years from now.

 

But I will say this a part of my first divorce was over having kids. My first wife did not want them, I kind of did but was not sure. Big mistake. If you kind of want them - you will WANT them later.

 

Its a tough thing. I can say that having children has been my biggest achievement. Unconditional love. No one will love you like a child, you will love no one like your child.

Edited March 27, 2017 by dichotomy

[BettyDraper]

Since you can't promise for after 5 years as well, let him go so that he can find someone with whom he is on page. Their is middle in this issue. You either have a kid or you dont.

 

To be on the same page regarding your present and future goals is one of the most important things in a marriage or any LTR.

 

This. People often ask me if my husband is okay with being childfree.

Why on earth would I choose a man who wanted kids if I don't want to be a parent? So stupid.

 

OP, you cannot have half a child so the only compromise you can offer is having kids before 5 years. Maybe you can have a child in 3 years?

 

I'm told that children are hard on a marriage. How financially stable are you? Do you understand and accept that your life will change?

[Arieswoman]

CharReign,

I am with BettyD. If you don't want kids why on earth marry a man who does?

 

When I married my first husband I told him I didn't want kids ever and was he OK about this? I made it clear that if he did, he should marry someone else. So we started off on the same page.

 

About 6 years later he had an affair. One of the reasons/excuses he gave was that "I had denied him children".

 

I divorced him to be with his AP and now they have 2 kids. So people can change their minds

 

Instead of leading your husband on with vague promises maybe you should let him go to be with someone who wants a family as much as he does?

[Got it]

Taking a slightly different take on this, do you think the issue is kids or is that red herring that he is feeling threatened with your commitment to school and a career, that you are moving up and it is impacting his "value"?

 

I completely agree with you that waiting to be in a better financial position as well as position that would offer better work/life balance is far easier on you to have a child. I was 39 when I had my daughter and it was WAY harder than I thought it would be to balance everything. And we are still trying to balance everything.

[MJJean]

You want to focus on education and career while being unsure if you really want children. He wants to start a family. If he's ready now and you aren't, it's time to either find a way to get firmly on the same page as a married couple or go your separate ways. This is a lifestyle incompatibility that can't be put on hold for long.

[submart]

You want to focus on education and career while being unsure if you really want children. He wants to start a family. If he's ready now and you aren't, it's time to either find a way to get firmly on the same page as a married couple or go your separate ways. This is a lifestyle incompatibility that can't be put on hold for long.

 

Well said!

 

You can't just string your husband on for five years and even then not be certain if you want to have kids.

 

At the same time you shouldn't feel pressured to having kids you don't want to have. If your truly don't want to have kids, then tell him that. But don't lead him on out of fear of the consequences.

[oldshirt]

Individual reproductive rights is a deeply personal and sacred right of any living thing.

 

You have the right to not want to disrupt your life and your freedom to bear offspring if you do not want them. Noone has the right to pressure, manipulate or make you have them under duress.

 

At the same time, he has the right to pursue having kids if he wants and you do not have the right to stop him from that pursuit.

 

It is in your right to be honest and upfront that you do not want them and you can not make any quarantees that you ever will.

 

And it is in his right to divorce you and seek something that will bear children with him.

 

There really is no neat, tidy and painless win-win solution here. Either one of you capitulates at the risk of being resentful and bitter and possibly a crappy parent. Or you go your separate ways so each can pursue the life you want for yourself.

 

There really is not a middle ground here on this issue.

[oldshirt]

There really is no neat, tidy and painless win-win solution here. Either one of you capitulates at the risk of being resentful and bitter and possibly a crappy parent. .

 

And in the case of capitulation, even the party that "wins" will likely end up being resentful and disappointed for they will be stuck with someone that is resentful and bitter.

 

Either one of you is a reluctant parent which is a horrible, life-sucking position to be in, or one of you is deprived of one of the most fundamental and basic pursuits of the human experience.

 

Either way it will be a terrible experience for one and a really really frustrating and miserable experience for the other.

 

There is no win-win here and there is no middle ground or compromise here.

 

You both either suffer in different ways, or you go your separate ways and pursue your own life interests either on your own or in finding someone else that shares your beliefs and interests.

[oldshirt]

My thinking is this - if you to divorce - my guess is a minimum of 4 years for your man to go have a child. Divorce and break clean (6-12 months), Dating various women and finding right one (2-3 years), engagement/wedding (1 year), get home/make baby (1 year). Bam - he is at 4-5 years from now.

 

.

 

Assuming he is not gross and disfigured or morbidly obese and assuming he is gainfully employed and reasonably mature and responsible, a 30 year old man who wants to start a home and family will be able to do so pretty darn efficiently assuming he's not holding out for Heidi Klume or something.

 

I think the real clincher here though is even if it does take him a few years to find a new mate and have a baby, the difference will be between having a wife/mother who actually desires a family and will be a fully invested and motivated mother, vs one who reluctantly agreed to it and had to pay the Piper at the end of her 5-year contract.

 

The difference in having a fully vested mother and a reluctant and potentially resentful one is night and day difference and well worth the extra years.

 

Realize also that a 40 or even 50 year old man that is healthy and has a dependable income can marry a woman 20 years younger and have a happy and healthy family.

 

Even if it takes him 10 years, he would still be better off if he can find a younger woman that actually yearns for children and will be a devoted and satisfied mother.

 

There's no question here that he would be better off dissolving this marriage and finding someone who wants to raise a family with him.

[oldshirt]

, I think 5 years is the perfect timing

 

Honey, God does not care one hoottenannie about your time table or what you think will be a good time for children.

 

I have two kids that are living proof of that :-O

 

Birth control doesn't mean crap if God decides it's time. All BC methods have real-world failure rates well above their ideal theoretical rates.

 

If you don't want kids, you get your plumbing disconnected.

 

(....and even then, sometimes those buggers grow back and reroute themselves.)

[dichotomy]

Assuming he is not gross and disfigured or morbidly obese and assuming he is gainfully employed and reasonably mature and responsible, a 30 year old man who wants to start a home and family will be able to do so pretty darn efficiently assuming he's not holding out for Heidi Klume or something.

 

I think the real clincher here though is even if it does take him a few years to find a new mate and have a baby, the difference will be between having a wife/mother who actually desires a family and will be a fully invested and motivated mother, vs one who reluctantly agreed to it and had to pay the Piper at the end of her 5-year contract.

 

The difference in having a fully vested mother and a reluctant and potentially resentful one is night and day difference and well worth the extra years.

 

Realize also that a 40 or even 50 year old man that is healthy and has a dependable income can marry a woman 20 years younger and have a happy and healthy family.

 

Even if it takes him 10 years, he would still be better off if he can find a younger woman that actually yearns for children and will be a devoted and satisfied mother.

 

There's no question here that he would be better off dissolving this marriage and finding someone who wants to raise a family with him.

 

 

I was 37 when divorced and wanting kids (my first wife did not). Basically successful (not wealthy), okay home of my own, not to shabby looking. I was not getting 18 year olds or even 28 year old interested on OLD sites. Mostly 30-40year olds and many divorced and with kids and crazy ex husbands. Some women I dated never had kids and there was a reason for that. It was not a smorgasbord of young fertile wonderful women wanting their first kid. At least perhaps not in my neck of the woods. Took me two years and I still made mistakes to achieve my goal of having children.

 

Now 30 is in my mind a tipping point. I think 26-32 is the age many women (in my area) tend to get married and have kids. But he could still find some women in there mid 20's.

 

OP does not seem to indicate what kind of love and relationship they have outside of the kids issue - but that would be a factor. You can find women who want kids, but a good wife and partner is tricky.

 

Still its a gamble to stay for another 5 years for a maybe - and maybe resentment over having kids even then.

Edited March 28, 2017 by dichotomy

[NTV]

Can we delve a little deeper? What are the reasons you Don't want kids? Why does he?

 

For example, if you don't want kids because you don't want the impact on your body--would adoption be different? Or is it a time investment thing?

 

If he wants kids to pass on his genetic code--well adoption is out of the question. But if he wants kids to build a family then it is a possibility.

 

The reasons impact possibilities.

[deadend17]

Definitely a tough situation. When a person wants children it's because they see their long term future a certain way. It sounds like you are more concerned with a shorter term vision of your future right now. Please take this with a grain of salt but you both sound immature. Either you both sit down and develop a 5 year plan that meets both of your needs or you should divorce soon. If you don't get on the same page there will be extreme resentment that will lead to divorce.

[CharReign]

Can we delve a little deeper? What are the reasons you Don't want kids? Why does he?

 

For example, if you don't want kids because you don't want the impact on your body--would adoption be different? Or is it a time investment thing?

 

If he wants kids to pass on his genetic code--well adoption is out of the question. But if he wants kids to build a family then it is a possibility.

 

The reasons impact possibilities.

 

 

 

For me it's more of a time investment thing. Children consume your whole life. Everything changes and especially your schedule. Definitely have to change work hours just to be able to pick them up and drop them off, have to be off on weekends and holidays, summers and spring breaks because they are out of school. Need to find babysitters, overnights in the emergency when they are sick or making time for doctors appointments etc.

 

I'm aware of the time and energy that it takes to care and raise another human. I don't know if I'm ready for that.

He on the other hands says that he doesn't need a reason to want kids, and that he just wants them.

[compulsivedancer]

Wanting kids was a major factor in my divorce. We were already on rocky ground and as we passed the timeframe we had always stated for wanting kids, we began negotiating for kids. And I realized I didn't want to negotiate for kids. I wanted a partner who would love being a father and would be excited to have kids, not a guy who was busy investing in his career and would find kids to be a distraction.

 

He wanted kids "eventually," but his timetable kept shifting backwards. Meanwhile, i turned 30 and did the calculation that Dichotomy did. I couldn't wait two years to see whether he'd decide he wanted kids. If I waited, I might not find a partner while I was still young enough to have kids, and I wanted more than one.

 

Fast forward a couple years. I got super lucky and met the perfect guy much quicker than expected. I now have a baby and two step kids, and plenty of time to have another baby. My ex is happily pursuing his career, and his girlfriend is young and travels with him. He has all the time in the world to have kids, if he wants them.

[Quiet Storms]

OP, if you were clear before marriage that you didn't want kids, then you are in the right. That doesn't mean that your husband will deal with it now, though, although he should have accepted it then.

 

It's hard to plan ahead sometimes though. If you do decide you want a child but not for another 5 years (when you are in your late 30's) you may experience fertility issues. Fertility declines exponentially starting at early 40's. So it's not something you can count on. Best laid plans, and all that.

 

Having said that -- I was told by a reproductive endocrinologist shortly after my first son was born that I was going into early menopause. She said she was 99% sure I would never be able to conceive another child, even with fertility drugs. I was in my early 30's. So my then-husband and I decided that if we wanted a second child, we had better try now. I took clomid for one month, and bam. Pregnant. Two sons barely a year apart. My RE was stunned. But I was happy! Went on to have 2 more, the latest in my mid-40's, no fertility drugs needed. Now I'm 52 and haven't even approached menopause yet. Not all docs get it right.

 

Wanting kids was a major factor in my divorce. We were already on rocky ground and as we passed the timeframe we had always stated for wanting kids, we began negotiating for kids. And I realized I didn't want to negotiate for kids. I wanted a partner who would love being a father and would be excited to have kids, not a guy who was busy investing in his career and would find kids to be a distraction.

 

He wanted kids "eventually," but his timetable kept shifting backwards. Meanwhile, i turned 30 and did the calculation that Dichotomy did. I couldn't wait two years to see whether he'd decide he wanted kids. If I waited, I might not find a partner while I was still young enough to have kids, and I wanted more than one.

 

Fast forward a couple years. I got super lucky and met the perfect guy much quicker than expected. I now have a baby and two step kids, and plenty of time to have another baby. My ex is happily pursuing his career, and his girlfriend is young and travels with him. He has all the time in the world to have kids, if he wants them.

 

CD, my sister is getting a divorce right now (she is late 30's) because her husband of 12 years (a musician like CM is) thinks that his family/kids ruined his career. Truth was, even though he is locally (and somewhat nationally) famous, he was never going to be Billy Joel.

 

Breaks my heart and the hearts of my little nieces and nephews.

Edited March 28, 2017 by Quiet Storms

[lucy_in_disguise]

Why do you think you will want children 5 years from now? Time passes fast and the facts about kids don't really change. I think you need to figure out if you truly want children but do not think you are ready yet, or if you don't really want them. If it's truly the former, one thing to consider is that there is no good time to have kids (in the US). Having a higher income and being finished with your education are positive things, but after going back to school you may find the demand on your time are greater in a higher-paying career, or that it is difficult to take time off your job to raise a kid when you are just starting out in a new field. Not to mention, there is the increased chance of fertility issues, and the money/ time associated with working through that.

 

This is not to discourage you from pursuing a better career, or from having a kid, but it's food for thought. It sounds like financial considerations are what make you the most wary, and I think it would be a shame if you missed your chance to have children that you actually wanted, for what may seem like practical reasons. Because the practical aspects are almost never right, yet most people have kids despite this and manage well enough. Having kids seems similar to falling in love in that necessetitates a leap of faith that what once seemed impossible (juggling childcare and a full time career, not to mention the miracle of childbirth) is suddenly possible.

 

So If you think you do want kids eventually but feel that the timing isn't right, try to have a talk with your husband about what factors need to align more for you to feel comfortable with the idea. Maybe there is a compromise between having a baby immediately and putting the thought on hold for 5+ years, if you work together as a couple to become more financially stable. If he thinks he's ready to be a father, he should be able to work with you through these issues to ensure his family is comfortable and supported.

Edited March 28, 2017 by lucy_in_disguise

[basil67]

For all the good news stories from women able to fall pregnant later in life, there are a heap of women unsuccessfully doing IVF. Me? Peri-menopausal in my late 30's and full menopause at 44. I can't tell you how grateful I am that I had my kids when I was 29 and 31.

 

There's never a good financial/career time to have kids. You just have to take a leap of faith.

[NTV]

Aren't you thinking about going back to school so you can get a better job without the crazy work schedule?

 

What kind of education are you after and how long will it take to get?

 

As far as your husband not being excited about the idea of you going back to school that's understandable to me. It sounds like with your schedule he already is limited in the time he can spend with you enjoying the life you both work for. Going back to college would detract from that time even more.

 

Could it be that he wants kids because he's feeling lonely at home?

[Els]

I reminded him that I said we can have children in 5 years and I'll be done with my degree in 3. He says he doesn't want to be old when the child is 10-13 years old, because he wants to enjoy and do things with our child. So he doesn't want to have children at 35-36.

 

This reason stood out at me as really, really strange. Does he actually think he'll be a doddering old man incapable of enjoying any sort of physical activity at the "ripe ol' age" of 45?! Or is he just throwing out "reasons" to try and rationalize the way he feels?

 

I think you should stand your ground. You were honest with him about your thoughts and timeline from the start, and he stayed with you in spite of that. He cannot expect you to change your mind to accommodate him when he made a fully informed decision that led to where he is today. If he leaves you, then so be it. Having a child you do not want does not guarantee he won't, either. In fact, if you push yourself to have children when you clearly don't want to at the expense of all the things you DO want in life, just for him, it's a surefire recipe for resentment and divorce. Especially considering both of your career situations.

 

You don't have to answer this, but it would be helpful - as a waiter for a yacht company, does he get paid more than the average waiter does? If not, how does he expect to be able to support children financially? Has he actually come up with a concrete plan for finances or is he just wishing and hoping that it'll all work out?

[Mr. Lucky]

I think you should stand your ground. You were honest with him about your thoughts and timeline from the start, and he stayed with you in spite of that. He cannot expect you to change your mind to accommodate him when he made a fully informed decision that led to where he is today. If he leaves you, then so be it. Having a child you do not want does not guarantee he won't, either. In fact, if you push yourself to have children when you clearly don't want to at the expense of all the things you DO want in life, just for him, it's a surefire recipe for resentment and divorce. Especially considering both of your career situations.

 

Not including you'd be raising one or more children you at least initially didn't wholeheartedly want.

 

This isn't him pressuring you to take up golf or try two weeks at an eco-resort in Honduras. There is no more full-time, life-altering commitment than children. At least to me, the fact he'd try to guilt you into this is a red flag...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Clockwork]

Yeah, you have both got to be on the same page here. That is one extreme to the next. You can't just decide to have kids when you are 50 and think it was a horrible mistake to never do it when you are young. You'll be too old then.

 

 

Look, jobs will come and go, you can always find a way to balance a career with a family. A family will never go though. I would say go for it, for some reason society scares people off from having kids.