Can some people be toxic even with a good upbringing?

[SavinaV]

Whenever I think about toxic people unfortunately my younger 28 year-old sister comes to mind. We didn't get along as kids nor during our teen years and we're only 1 year apart. Both of us were raised equally (no abuse, with happily married parents...nothing was ever missing at home) but she always gave everyone a hard time.

 

As a kid she rarely smile on pictures and sometimes would be watching out the window with a frown on her face meanwhile I was playing with my friends. Another time, one of my playmates supposedly broke his arm by tripping a couple flights downstairs. He claimed my sister pushed him but my sister said he accidentally slipped during a game of hide and seek.

Then the other incident was in the farm. My sister nearly gave pills in a bucket to feed a pig. The caregiver noticed it and her excuse was she had no idea there were pills. She was already 11 then.

 

Fast foward to our HS years. Sometimes she would try to hang out with my dates and once I even caught an ex bf in bed with her. We fought and off course made up. We get along better as adult nowadays but others have complained that she can sometimes be intimidating, she ruined my aunt's credit report (my aunt let her borrow her credit card and wasted most of the funds) and someone claimed to have seen her shoved a past boyfriend with all her might and very hard that he tripped (she's pretty tall and strong for a woman).

[SavinaV]

She can't pull any BS on me because I will definitely call her out on it. I'm not naive like during our earlier years but I don't know what on earth is wrong with my sister.

 

She was so odd as a child and still apparently toys with some people.

[mikeylo]

You are only 1 year apart and that makes dating etc very tricky, for obvious reasons. Its likely that your either of your parents treated you and her slightly different ( happens a lot ) , unknowingly and she has deep seated jealousy with you ( very common ).

 

You cant do much though. If you feel she is toxic, keep communication only when needed. Once siblings grow up, some usually drift away.

[somanymistakes]

People are a combination of nature and nurture. You may not know everything that happened to her in her life, but she may also be very different from you at the core of her personality.

[SavinaV]

I'm going to assume it was jealousy in the past. Though, I never tried to compete with her and always tried to be understanding. I asked her once if she needed help and she would say no.

 

I must say she does have a very difficult personality. If you get too close to her, she might take some advantage and be up to something already.

[carhill]

People are complex and some just come out toxic from the factory (genetics) and no amount of repair or maintenance (nurture/parenting) can help. As we gain more understanding of the brain, something in its infancy now, these variations will likely become more understood and addressable.

 

Studies involving identical twins often shed light on the nature/nurture thing, especially where twins were separated at birth and adopted out, leading very different lives and programming milieus.

 

In your own case, you appear to understand the differences and what remains is the choices you make to address them. She's unlikely to change, though anything is possible. What I've noticed over life is cognitive change can flow as life experience and reflection impels overt changes in how one chooses to behave, that lasts awhile, often a long while, then things slowly morf back in one's old age as the big brain stuff loses ground to age and the small brain taking over again. Since you're both young, there is a chance that her behaviors will moderate to her middle years, of course presuming she isn't masking a mental disorder/disease of some type. Hard to know, even for professionals. Push comes to shove, save yourself.