It DOES get easier

[jennifernyc84]

[ previous thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/605698-will-i-ever-his-1-a ]

 

Today is the 24th day of not speaking to him physically. He emailed me once a few weeks ago, and I replied only to tell him to leave me alone.

 

Currently having a hard time keeping NC. I'm missing him so much right now that's it's starting to outweigh the anger that I felt towards him.

 

I'm trying to keep in mind how angry and hurt I am, but my feelings of missing him and withdrawal are ranking higher and higher.

 

I don't want to go back to the A, and honestly, he's been such a sh*tty human being lately, not even sure I'd want to be with him if he was single. Which he may be soon, as his wife is currently at her moms for the passed almost 3 weeks. Not sure if the details but whatever. It's their business.

 

Anywho....this week and last have been so emotional for me. Extreme highs and extreme lows. I know it's part of the healing process but this feels like anything but healing.

 

I don't feel any better at all. I feel worse than ever before.

 

Sorry for ranting. I just feel so lost and alone in this. Everyone is telling me to just forget about him. Really? Is it that simple? Because I don't think that's possible. Is it? Why do people undermine how I feel about him? am I the only one in the universe to feel this way about a guy who didn't feel the same? Why do people insist on making me feel like a freak of nature or some type of crazy person.

 

It's hard, staying away from him. Please don't judge and say "oh you're not trying", when I am. I know you guys have been where I am now. I just want someone who understands how hard this is and not to put me down and make me feel worse by rubbing my nose in the mess I've made.

 

I have feelings. I don't enjoy messing up. It happens. I'm trying to be stronger. I'm only human. I like to think of myself as a good, kind person. I'm not mean, vindictive, manipulating or conniving. I'm not selfish either.

 

He hurt me. Badly.

Edited January 26, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
added link to previous thread ~6

[Onlywhenitrains]

Today is the 24th day of not speaking to him physically. He emailed me once a few weeks ago, and I replied only to tell him to leave me alone.

 

Currently having a hard time keeping NC. I'm missing him so much right now that's it's starting to outweigh the anger that I felt towards him.

 

I'm trying to keep in mind how angry and hurt I am, but my feelings of missing him and withdrawal are ranking higher and higher.

 

I don't want to go back to the A, and honestly, he's been such a sh*tty human being lately, not even sure I'd want to be with him if he was single. Which he may be soon, as his wife is currently at her moms for the passed almost 3 weeks. Not sure if the details but whatever. It's their business.

 

Anywho....this week and last have been so emotional for me. Extreme highs and extreme lows. I know it's part of the healing process but this feels like anything but healing.

 

I don't feel any better at all. I feel worse than ever before.

 

Sorry for ranting. I just feel so lost and alone in this. Everyone is telling me to just forget about him. Really? Is it that simple? Because I don't think that's possible. Is it? Why do people undermine how I feel about him? am I the only one in the universe to feel this way about a guy who didn't feel the same? Why do people insist on making me feel like a freak of nature or some type of crazy person.

 

It's hard, staying away from him. Please don't judge and say "oh you're not trying", when I am. I know you guys have been where I am now. I just want someone who understands how hard this is and not to put me down and make me feel worse by rubbing my nose in the mess I've made.

 

I have feelings. I don't enjoy messing up. It happens. I'm trying to be stronger. I'm only human. I like to think of myself as a good, kind person. I'm not mean, vindictive, manipulating or conniving. I'm not selfish either.

 

He hurt me. Badly.

 

It took approximately 3 months for me to start feeling a little better. You are right that in the beginning it doesn't feel like healing at all. I didn't believe either in the aftermath of break up there is any healing possible, or remotely happening.

 

I agree that highs and lows are the worst. I would cry for hours, or just sit in my living room starring into the ceiling brain dead, and in pain. And, then I'd talk to myself about stopping the pity party, and getting over him. I'd feel empowered for an hour that I can just shake it all off just to start crying an hour later. Pain, hurt, embarrassment, missing him, anger, resentment, guilt, sadness, love, loneliness...and, then more hurt and anger....are just some of the feelings I could experience in the time span of less than an hour.

 

It's not linear. It's slow. It's annoying. Sometimes I cried because I just wanted to snap out of it.

 

You are right, it feels very lonely. It feels like no one can understand. Except him...maybe. That's where the urge and desire to contact him also comes. If only you could talk to him about, know maybe he feels somehow the same...you think it would make it easier. It wouldn't. It would just put you back where you were while in the A.

 

To be in a relationship, and to have it succeed both people have to be legally and emotionally free and available to commit and to love somebody.

 

What are you going through is normal. All you need is time and patience. I know it's far from easy. There is not much value in telling you about mistakes you've made to get here, I know that doesn't make it any better. That's water under the bridge. What matters is how you move forward and what you make out of your life in the future.

 

I still have bad days, or nights, or moments. I still have triggers. Almost daily. I know I'm far from fully healing. But, I'm much better then immediately after the break up, better than month ago, and better than yesterday.

 

You've got this! Stay strong!

[drypuddle]

Maybe try flipping the perspective and instead of focusing on how much NC sucks, focus on how NC will benefit you. It's a real act of self care. By going NC, you are putting your needs and wants first. YOU are making a stand for YOURSELF! That's something to be so proud of!! Focus on how NC is empowering you.

 

There are other things you can do to get through the tough moments. I remember some people suggesting to you to leave soft music playing and lights on, so when you come home, it doesn't feel so lonely. Throw a blanket in the dryer, get it all warm and toasty, and then cuddle up in it. I always keep a heating pad on my couch because it feels nice to sit in a warm spot during the cold dreary days. Go for a walk, get some fresh air. Move your body and get those endorphins flowing. Call a girlfriend and chat, or lend a listening ear to someone else's problems.

 

Whatever you find comforting (besides talking to Josh), don't hesitate to do those things. Be in charge of your happiness. Be in action on being happy!

[jah526]

Jen,

 

You know I'm going through the same thing at the same time. I'm almost 3 weeks no contact, and that's not really that easy since he and I work in the same building.

 

I have ups and downs too. Like yesterday. My problem is that I really don't want to hurt anyone, and I know he's been laying low like I have been. And then I start to wonder if this is hurting him. And maybe it is in a way - he has no escape hatch now and has to deal with whatever the problems in his marriage are.

 

On the whole, I am feeling better not having to deal with all the DRAMA. The counselor I've been seeing said something interesting the last time I saw her. I told her I've never really understood how counseling is supposed to help. She said people have a misunderstanding that it's supposed to make you happy. What it does is to help you get clarity.

 

That's what I'm trying to focus on now, getting clarity. I believe the NC method everyone is advocating helps with that enormously. It's like stepping away from a problem. Your subconscious mind still continues to work on that problem, and eventually it pops into your conscious mind. So if you can step back and see the issue clearly, then you will be able to find your way forward. Maybe it's that you want to wait for his divorce, wait for him to come back to you, or maybe it's that you want to move forward and look at other opportunities. But right now you (and I) are too enmeshed in the problem to be able to see things clearly.

[cloche]

Spot on, jah. Great post.

[Poppy47]

I think it is too soon to start looking for the positives of being NC Jennifer.

 

It still feels ****ty because to a certain extent, you are still feeling involved with him.

 

Think to yourself that today is just one day and this too shall pass!

 

Poppy.

[eye of the storm]

Years ago, my daughter had an issue that was causing chronic pain. She finally agreed to surgery to remove the issue. After the surgery, she had trouble walking, she was in so much pain she had trouble eating, all from the surgery.

 

When she was in so much pain she couldn't see the benefit of the surgery. Eventually, the pain backed off. She finally was able to be pain free. But she had to go thru the added pain of the surgery to get over the normal pain of her issue.

 

NC is like that. You must go thru the pain of separating to get past the chronic pain of the A.

 

Stay focused. Even when you can't see why. Stay focused.

[HeCantBreakMe]

You are still my hero.. you are doing amazing and walking through the pain.

 

Jen I want to hear what you are learning about yourself .. who is Jen apart from Josh and what makes her happy?? Start journaling these things.

 

The Bible study I started is called Looking for Lovely by Annie Downs.

[SolG]

Hey Jen, Hats off for actually going NC in the first place! Don't discount or underplay the achievement here, particularly considering the long standing nature of your R and A with Josh. No mean feat to undertake to change the patterns of essentially a lifetime!

 

NC discussions always remind me of marshmallows. I'm referring to a seminal psychology study... I couldn't be bothered to find a link right now... but it's easy to find if you Google it.

 

Basically a researcher put a bunch of kids, one by one, in a room with a single marshmallow. The were told that if they didn't eat the marshmallow, they would get two marshmallows later. It was essentially a test of self regulation in the face of temptation; a test of ability to forgo instant gratification in the pursuit of longer term goals.

 

The results were video taped (if makes for some hilarious viewing). Some kids wolfed down the marshmallow the minute they were left alone with that tasty little morsel. Some struggled and ultimately succumbed. Some struggled... but still made it through. Some were nonplussed and hardly seemed challenged to defer gratification.

 

Now the study was actually longitudinal. And when they revisited the children involved they found a high correlation with success in those children who had managed to self regulate and deny themselves the single marshmallow upfront. That ability to deny themselves instant gratification in pursuit of greater achievements had stood them in good stead in other facets of life.

 

Josh is your one today marshmallow. Just keep remembering when things get tough and you want him/that instant gratification right freakin now... that by denying that Josh-mallow urge today, you open yourself up to bigger-better-more-mallow/s in the future!

[jennifernyc84]

Thanks guys. It helps to hear encouraging words. It's a scary place where I am, and feeling really alone in it doesn't help. It makes me want to run right back to him because I feel I have no one else.

 

I really like the marshmellow theory lol. Gave me a laugh too, which I definately could have used.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks guys. It helps to hear encouraging words. It's a scary place where I am, and feeling really alone in it doesn't help. It makes me want to run right back to him because I feel I have no one else.

 

I really like the marshmellow theory lol. Gave me a laugh too, which I definately could have used.

 

You DO have someone else. Yourself! And, you have friends and family who love and support you. You're going to be okay, right now you don't need a man.

[SolG]

Thanks guys. It helps to hear encouraging words. It's a scary place where I am, and feeling really alone in it doesn't help. It makes me want to run right back to him because I feel I have no one else.

 

I really like the marshmellow theory lol. Gave me a laugh too, which I definately could have used.

 

Jen I was reflecting after I posted about Josh-mallow and having a giggle myself. I was picturing ypur Josh as the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters. The main villian... but ultimately defeated. I was picturing that lumbering ridiculousness that was oh so scary and then they zapped tha ****e out of him!

 

Maybe that Josh-Stay-Puft-Marshmallow man imagery can help you Jen... Scary but kinda lame and perishable. And oh the relevance of Stay Puft... as in his ego needs to stay puft. Lol! He is desirable and tempting... but beneath you given his predilections.

 

So glad to have helped you smile. YOU have made MY day Jen xo

[Poppy47]

Hey Jen, Hats off for actually going NC in the first place! Don't discount or underplay the achievement here, particularly considering the long standing nature of your R and A with Josh. No mean feat to undertake to change the patterns of essentially a lifetime!

 

NC discussions always remind me of marshmallows. I'm referring to a seminal psychology study... I couldn't be bothered to find a link right now... but it's easy to find if you Google it.

 

Basically a researcher put a bunch of kids, one by one, in a room with a single marshmallow. The were told that if they didn't eat the marshmallow, they would get two marshmallows later. It was essentially a test of self regulation in the face of temptation; a test of ability to forgo instant gratification in the pursuit of longer term goals.

 

The results were video taped (if makes for some hilarious viewing). Some kids wolfed down the marshmallow the minute they were left alone with that tasty little morsel. Some struggled and ultimately succumbed. Some struggled... but still made it through. Some were nonplussed and hardly seemed challenged to defer gratification.

 

Now the study was actually longitudinal. And when they revisited the children involved they found a high correlation with success in those children who had managed to self regulate and deny themselves the single marshmallow upfront. That ability to deny themselves instant gratification in pursuit of greater achievements had stood them in good stead in other facets of life.

 

Josh is your one today marshmallow. Just keep remembering when things get tough and you want him/that instant gratification right freakin now... that by denying that Josh-mallow urge today, you open yourself up to bigger-better-more-mallow/s in the future!

 

I think of NC as a period of mourning. To me, it is exactly the same as a death. There is no going back, I will never see him again. It is finality.

 

Poppy.

[jennifernyc84]

I think of NC as a period of mourning. To me, it is exactly the same as a death. There is no going back, I will never see him again. It is finality.

 

Poppy.

 

Funny you bring that up Poppy. I actually told the therapist I'm seeing that it would have been easier for me to except if he had died. Because I would have no choice but to move on. But knowing he's there. Just a phone call away, is excruciating. She then suggested that I go through the motions of grieving as if someone/something has died. But the thing I'm mourning is the relationship, not him.

 

Knowing that things will never be the same is sad to me. We have so much history. Even before the A. But, it is what it is. This is how it has got to be. It's my own fault for letting it happen. Live and learn, right?

[sandylee1]

Break ups are hard to deal with and of course you can't just forget the person at the click of a button. That's not possible, but for me, I need to be in a relationship that's balanced. Where we are equals and one person isn't so much more in love with the other.

 

I expect to get the same love back and if a man chose another to be his primary partner and after professing love for me, he took no steps to be with me, aside from as a secret, that would tell me all I needed to know. That his love for me isn't strong enough and I'd be insulted that he was happy for my life to be static, while he had it all. That's not love, it's selfishness and I'd use that knowledge to move from love, probably to hate, then to "F**k you", I don't give a damn.

 

I used that to help me, because quite frankly, that person doesn't deserve your love. It takes time... you'll be cry... You'll remember the good times... You'll take yourself back to a time when things were good... You'll dream about them, then when you wake up and think, if he loved me, the way I love

him, we'd be together.

 

It's early days Jen. You're expecting too much, too soon. Be patient with yourself, knowing you have to go through this to come out of the other side.

 

Just like loosing weight, it doesn't come off overnight because you starve yourself for a week.

[cloche]

But the thing I'm mourning is the relationship, not him.

 

I grieve for the future I thought we were building together, not the affair we actually had.

 

I never wanted to be in an affair; I wanted a relationship. So very badly. So much so that I was willing to go to very great lengths and make enormous changes in my life to make this particular relationship possible.

 

And this is where the imbalance of power between us resided; this was my own special vulnerability.

 

What a fool I have been. Like some sweet old codger who, on the basis of nothing more than a glossy photograph flashed by a smooth talking salesman, has just sunk his entire life savings into the retirement home of his dreams; his bank account now shows the money gone, and each morning he checks his mailbox, waiting for the deed to arrive.

 

She swindled me!

 

But then again, I let her.

Edited January 26, 2017 by cloche

[freengreen]

In NC.. I have weak days too.. sometimes almost reach out. But 3 months passed that I didnt contact. Planning to go off FB, not because of him ( he was never my contact there) but just to remove all triggers and the rest of the muck.

 

Focus... the end should be BETTER YOU. I still miss him a bit , i am not sure I love him as of now, I was addicted, not in love. All these feelings linger but the major part of the brain wants to grow my wings back. Going NC to get back together or to get his attention will only get you down more.

 

It feels impossible but you can do it by just being true to yourself. You can do it. Gather strength and stay on your side

[freengreen]

I grieve for the future I thought we were building together, not the affair we actually had.

 

I never wanted to be in an affair; I wanted a relationship. So very badly. So much so that I was willing to go to very great lengths and make enormous changes in my life to make this particular relationship possible.

 

And this is where the imbalance of power between us resided; this was my own special vulnerability.

 

What a fool I have been. Like some sweet old codger who, on the basis of nothing more than a glossy photograph flashed by a smooth talking salesman, has just sunk his entire life savings into the retirement home of his dreams; his bank account now shows the money gone, and each morning he checks his mailbox, waiting for the deed to arrive.

 

She swindled me!

 

But then again, I let her.

Cloche, i feel your pain. We all will make it out and make it out thriving. Never to go that way again....

[jennifernyc84]

I grieve for the future I thought we were building together, not the affair we actually had.

 

I never wanted to be in an affair; I wanted a relationship. So very badly. So much so that I was willing to go to very great lengths and make enormous changes in my life to make this particular relationship possible.

 

And this is where the imbalance of power between us resided; this was my own special vulnerability.

 

What a fool I have been. Like some sweet old codger who, on the basis of nothing more than a glossy photograph flashed by a smooth talking salesman, has just sunk his entire life savings into the retirement home of his dreams; his bank account now shows the money gone, and each morning he checks his mailbox, waiting for the deed to arrive.

 

She swindled me!

 

But then again, I let her.

 

Cloche, I couldn't have described it better. I had so much hope for what we could've had. There were times when we'd talk about where we'd live, what would be best for our kids, our jobs, finances. You name it. And that's what hurts the most. Knowing that, for 4 years, we built these dreams. But that's all they were. Dreams.

 

I still don't know if he knew they weren't real. I asked him after we broke up if he lied about all of it and he said no. But he's lied so much.

 

I'm putting on a happy face day to day, because I have to. But I'm really not doing well. It's the same emotions throughout the day on loop, everyday. I wake up missing him, cry a little, then get sad, hurt, lonely, scared, then comes the anger. I could drop down a house with my bare hands. Then empowerment. I can do this! I'm a strong, independent woman, I don't need any guy, especially not Josh-mallow, (it still makes me laugh), then I miss him again and it starts all over.

 

See, this is my first real breakup. I didnt date in high school at all. I was too busy drooling over Josh. Even back then, he'd kiss me and touch me in ways that would make my young head spin. Then he'd stop. I wouldn't understand why and I was too scared to ask him because maybe he'd think I didn't like it and not do it anymore and i realllllllly liked when he did it.

 

I've been his puppet on a string since I was 16. I remember our first romantic encounter like it was yesterday. I was 16, and he came over to watch a movie. In the middle of the movie I saw him staring at me. I wasn't trying to be sexy. But he was staring at me like I was something to eat. I remember feeling awkward or shy. And he kissed me. I had never been kissed before. And if I wasn't in love with him before, I sure was after that.

 

Why would he do that to me? Why doesn't he care that I'm hurt? Why didn't he just leave me alone. You don't do that to people. Especially people you would do anything for you.

 

Like I said...sh*tty human being.

[CloudyHead]

One activity that worked for me was writing down the things MM did and said to me that hurt me so that, whenever I felt weak, I would read what he did and it gave me the strength to get through another period of no contact. I did not focus on the best things about him or the relationship. Instead, I focused on events and words that caused me pain which made me relive that pain which led to me not wanting to go through that pain again. It strengthened my resolve at times.

 

There is a book, "How to Break Your Addiction to a Person", that I purchased and read over and over. You might want to read it.

 

I remember MM and I standing on a pier over the water and MM cupped my face and kissed me . . . Honestly, it was the most caring physical gesture that a man had ever done to me and I absolutely melted. I look back now, and all that transpired afterwards, and realize what a mistake I made letting him into my life. My ex-husband gave me running boards for my SUV so my skirts wouldn't rip when I climbed into the SUV - in retrospect that act was a more caring gesture than the kiss on the pier.

 

At the end of the day, it's all about what you focus on and how you want to live your life from this day forward.

[BuddyX]

The second to last paragraph is a red flag. Why are you still romanticizing him. He's still the same guy that had sex with you, Got up, and went back to his wife (prob for round 2). And that was just last month. Not 2 decades ago.

 

Again, don't make anyone a priority when you're nothing but an option to them.

Edited January 26, 2017 by BuddyX
Grammar

[jennifernyc84]

No.. he isn't a priority of mine. Not at all.

 

I am determined to heal. I am positive that this will all blow over soon. It's hard now but it will get easier and easier. Until one day, I'll forget to remember him. It will just be a bad (totally embarrassing) memory.

 

I hope his wife does leave him. He doesn't deserve her anymore than he deserves me.

[BTDT2012]

I have feelings. I don't enjoy messing up. It happens. I'm trying to be stronger. I'm only human. I like to think of myself as a good, kind person. I'm not mean, vindictive, manipulating or conniving. I'm not selfish either.

Tell yourself this every day. Then ask yourself if your dead relationship lines up with this. Stay strong. Continue to post your conflicting feelings. Don't ever allow him to use you again.

[jennifernyc84]

I keep reminding myself of how I was always just something for him to get off to.

 

Some people use to porn to get themselves off, it doesn't mean they'd leave their partners for the actors.

 

That's all I was. A quick, easy lay. No effort was needed. As soon as I began demanding more,...he was done.

 

Well I'm done now. And you know what? He's probably just as sad as I am, because not only have I abandoned him. But so did his precious, perfect little wife.

 

So he has no one. Unless he has some other chick he's screwing. I wouldn't be surprised.

Edited January 26, 2017 by jennifernyc84

[Bittersweetie]

I just wanted to say that there are a lot of supporting, helpful posts in this thread. I wish I'd seen this thread when I was trying NC seven years ago!

 

For me, a lot of my relationship with xAP was addicting. I became addicted to the highs, I'd get a fix when he'd email, text, when we'd meet, even if I googled him and found something new. I'm not sure if this would help, but once I reframed my NC as breaking an addiction, it became a little easier for me.

 

It also helped when instead of thinking "I'll never see/talk/google to him again" I thought "I'm not going to see/talk/google him today." Just take it one day at a time, and then you will realize that days, weeks, months, years have gone by.

 

Stay strong.