It DOES get easier

[sandylee1]

That must have been a great boost to his life.

He always had a person who loved him no matter what, a person who was always on his side.

 

Honestly, hearing him say that made me feel sick.

 

He was embarrassed deep down, because he knew he'd never treated her well. He never expected that he'd outlive her and be left to say anything when she passed, as he was a fair bit older than her.

 

Her children hated the way she adored him. That adoration isn't healthy and that's what I'm trying to get Jenn to see.

[imsosad]

I think you should give his wife some thought.

I'm not saying that in order to bash you (though honestly,Jen, you deserve some) but because it can help you gain perspective.

You have spent over twenty years trying to be this guy's number one, whatever that means.

Take a look at his wife. She is his number one. She got all the things you always wanted. Dating openly, living together, going away on vacations, engagement ring, wedding, baby.

Look at how he treats his number one. This is him. This is not because he married the wrong person. No. He obviously loves her. He had no other reason to go back before they had the baby and he did. This is not because she is flawed or all wrong for him. This is not a midlife crisis that he snapped out of and committed himself to makng amends for her. This is not a guy who met the love of his life while married and made arrangements to leave. Big. Fat. No.

This is on him. This is how he treats his wife. If you were his wife, you'd get exactly the same. Six years. Through fertlity treatments. Through pregnancy. Through childbirth and raising a baby. This is his capacity to love and give. Very, very limited.Hurtful. Selfish. This is how he loves. This is him as a husband.

Think of his wife. Imagine her life. She's got everything you want. How happy do you think she is?

In your other post, you said you wanted a family-husband,kids.

Ask yourself how you be came this person who s complicit in destroying another person's life? For what? Is this what love looks like?

I think that gaining empathy for his wife, seeing her point of view and putting yourself in her place will help you see him for who he is and let go of this fantasy you're holding on to.

He's not your friend. You are useful to him,at times. Let go. Enough is enough.

[olivkazp]

[ previous thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/605698-will-i-ever-his-1-a ]

 

Today is the 24th day of not speaking to him physically. He emailed me once a few weeks ago, and I replied only to tell him to leave me alone.

 

Currently having a hard time keeping NC. I'm missing him so much right now that's it's starting to outweigh the anger that I felt towards him.

 

I'm trying to keep in mind how angry and hurt I am, but my feelings of missing him and withdrawal are ranking higher and higher.

 

I don't want to go back to the A, and honestly, he's been such a sh*tty human being lately, not even sure I'd want to be with him if he was single. Which he may be soon, as his wife is currently at her moms for the passed almost 3 weeks. Not sure if the details but whatever. It's their business.

 

Anywho....this week and last have been so emotional for me. Extreme highs and extreme lows. I know it's part of the healing process but this feels like anything but healing.

 

I don't feel any better at all. I feel worse than ever before.

 

Sorry for ranting. I just feel so lost and alone in this. Everyone is telling me to just forget about him. Really? Is it that simple? Because I don't think that's possible. Is it? Why do people undermine how I feel about him? am I the only one in the universe to feel this way about a guy who didn't feel the same? Why do people insist on making me feel like a freak of nature or some type of crazy person.

 

It's hard, staying away from him. Please don't judge and say "oh you're not trying", when I am. I know you guys have been where I am now. I just want someone who understands how hard this is and not to put me down and make me feel worse by rubbing my nose in the mess I've made.

 

I have feelings. I don't enjoy messing up. It happens. I'm trying to be stronger. I'm only human. I like to think of myself as a good, kind person. I'm not mean, vindictive, manipulating or conniving. I'm not selfish either.

 

He hurt me. Badly.

 

This is exactly how I feel, but I always let him to come back. This is like a roller coaster, why the hell is it so difficult to end it?? Why did I fall for him so bad... Why am I being so naive and why do I chose to punish myself by letting him in my life... There are many other men, I'd have just anyone I want, why him?? Why do I chose HIM....

[olivkazp]

There's also the distinct possibility that he is trying to set up an eventual have his cake forever situation. Make nice with the wife, get an apartment in the city to be closer to you, and make his cake-eating a more permanent arrangement.

 

Whatever his motives, I agree with BuddyX, this one is a special kind of scumbag.

 

FoundMyStrength I have a bad feeling we fell for the same guy, but it's not possible is it?

[sandylee1]

Imsosad, that was an excellent post. So much sense in every word you said.

 

His wife did nothing to you Jenn.Absolutely nothing, but get chosen by the man you've loved pretty much all of your life.

 

I saw a total lack of compassion when you described how you spoke to her after dday 1.

 

Every one who's hurt in this situation, is as a result of Josh. To a degree, you brought pain upon yourself, but she didn't.

 

Do you really think a woman would go through the stress of IVF treatment if she knew her husband was a LCB? (Lying cheating b*****d). He deceived her into thinking he was worth having as a husband. He failed at the first hurdle.

 

Some women expect a man to be the provider as a minimum. He couldn't even keep it I his pants. Is that the kind of husband you want.

 

He robbed her of the chance to move on at that time and find a better loyal man who actually has some respect for his marriage and takes his wedding vows seriously.

 

Now she has a child (baggage), which reduces the number of potential men who'll be interested in her.

 

At least you weren't or aren't married to a cheater. You don't have a marriage that's suffered 2 ddays with the same OW. ... you don't have any legal ties to him. Thank your lucky stars, because being his wife means sweet fu*k all to him.

 

Sorry ... This Is Longer than I intended. I'm not having a go at you, just trying to assist in your self reflection.?

[jennifernyc84]

I know this literally changes nothing and I have already established that I don't want to be with him even if he leaves his wife or if she leaves him..whatever. But I just found out that he is back with her. I'm not 100% sure of how long she's been back, but I am sure that she is. If I know in my heart that this changes nothing and I don't want him anymore, why is this hurting so badly? I feel rejected all over again. The best part is, I knew this would happen. I knew they'd get back together. They have a son for crying out loud! They'd have to be totally heartless, selfish, and insanely bad parents to just give up like that.

 

So why is it that I'm so sad and feel like someone just took away my oxygen source? I really can't breath. I'm working hard to inhale and exhale.

[BuddyX]

Keep repeating to yourself that no matter, what you're getting is the breadcrumbs. Remember when you got the flowers, yeah I told you, she probably got a better bouquet.

 

Get angry at him. Remember, you're his option. Btw, how did you find out? Hopefully you have him blocked. I know that's easier said than done. I blocked my ExW everywhere. Yet I still received a congratulatory email (my junk email) from a baby center. Yeah, she still wanted me to know she got prego with another guy. Whatever.

Edited February 19, 2017 by BuddyX
Grammar

[jennifernyc84]

He's still blocked. I was on the phone with my sister in law (brothers wife) and she told me that her and my brother had dinner plans for tonight in the city with Josh and his wife. She's clueless about the affair so she was just making conversation.

 

What hurts the most is that he had 6 weeks. He had a whole month and a half to fight for me. To show me that I do matter. And he never did not once.

 

What's wrong with me? Why am I not good enough to marry and have kids with? I'm a good person. I'm good looking. I'm nice to everyone. I'm smart. I'm successful. Why am I only good enough to take to bed? Why has he never, in all the years I've known him, felt like I do? Is there something wrong that I don't see? How can I feel like he's so absolutely right for me and he doesn't see it at all? How can I love him so much and get nothing back? Why do I love him when he's never ever ever shown me that love back?

 

This is extremely upsetting to me and makes me so angry I could drop a house with my bare hands. I'm so tired of crying. It's so exausting to feel this emotional. I'm genuinely tired.

[elaine567]

Well it was always on the cards that that would happen.

If anyone is the "love of his life" it is her.

 

At least this gives you closure.

Please do not waste another second of your life thinking about this man.

All this pining and hoping needs to stop NOW

YOU want to be happy, don't you?

Make that your goal from this moment on.

[BaileyB]

 

What hurts the most is that he had 6 weeks. He had a whole month and a half to fight for me. To show me that I do matter. And he never did not once.

 

What's wrong with me? Why am I not good enough to marry and have kids with? I'm a good person. I'm good looking. I'm nice to everyone. I'm smart. I'm successful. Why am I only good enough to take to bed? Why has he never, in all the years I've known him, felt like I do? Is there something wrong that I don't see? How can I feel like he's so absolutely right for me and he doesn't see it at all? How can I love him so much and get nothing back?.

 

He didn't fight for you because, he is MARRIED to another woman. He was never available to you.

 

You built a fantasy around him, and it was never true. And now, you are pining and throwing yourself a pity party when... you created this misery for yourself by chasing a man who was never available to you.

 

There is nothing wrong with you. No need for the pity party, because the truth is - if you stop pining over this man who has treated you badly and go about making yourself happy and healthy, you can find someone who will love you and you can have the life and the family that you want.

 

It's up to you... continue to obsess and cry over a man who was never really available to you and who treated you terribly... or move on and begin to create a better future for yourself. It's totally your decision.

[drypuddle]

He's still blocked. I was on the phone with my sister in law (brothers wife) and she told me that her and my brother had dinner plans for tonight in the city with Josh and his wife. She's clueless about the affair so she was just making conversation.

 

What hurts the most is that he had 6 weeks. He had a whole month and a half to fight for me. To show me that I do matter. And he never did not once.

 

What's wrong with me? Why am I not good enough to marry and have kids with? I'm a good person. I'm good looking. I'm nice to everyone. I'm smart. I'm successful. Why am I only good enough to take to bed? Why has he never, in all the years I've known him, felt like I do? Is there something wrong that I don't see? How can I feel like he's so absolutely right for me and he doesn't see it at all? How can I love him so much and get nothing back? Why do I love him when he's never ever ever shown me that love back?

 

This is extremely upsetting to me and makes me so angry I could drop a house with my bare hands. I'm so tired of crying. It's so exausting to feel this emotional. I'm genuinely tired.

 

He's just not that into you. It's a book; you should read it. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you, because guess what, THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU! He took advantage of you, knowing you think he hung the moon, and he used that angle to get what he wanted from you!

 

The truth is you are good enough! You just haven't found that person yet.

[GollumsNightmare]

I am sorry you are hurting.

[BaileyB]

And further, I would argue that just because he is with her doesn't mean that she has "won." I would say that you are the "winner" in this situation... you have the chance to find a man who will love you and to have your own family. Who would want to be married to a man who vows to love and honor a wife for the rest of his life and then lies and cheats on her... Not me, that's for sure.

 

Please, leave the past and focus on the future. There are good things ahead for you, if you have the courage to reach for them...

[jah526]

What's wrong with me? Why am I not good enough to marry and have kids with? I'm a good person. I'm good looking. I'm nice to everyone. I'm smart. I'm successful. Why am I only good enough to take to bed? Why has he never, in all the years I've known him, felt like I do? Is there something wrong that I don't see? How can I feel like he's so absolutely right for me and he doesn't see it at all? How can I love him so much and get nothing back? Why do I love him when he's never ever ever shown me that love back?

 

I know these feelings, have had them myself, and not just in this latest relationship. Maybe the problem is that we keep trying to win the love of someone who is unavailable - emotionally, relationship-wise, whatever. And that could very well stem from something in childhood. Possibly Josh is a narcissist who is unable to empathize, so he isn't really able to understand what you are feeling.

 

But you are generalizing, of course. Josh is an N of 1. Just because HE doesn't want to marry you doesn't mean every other guy would feel the same way. We just need to work on breaking the patterns, and looking for someone who is available. It's not you, it's that (like Chumplady says) you need to fix your picker.

[jennifernyc84]

I am sorry you are hurting.

 

Thank you.

[imsosad]

Of course he didn't fight for you. He was busy fighting for his wife. Don't be so sure they got back together just because of their child. Didn't you tell us the other day that he sent two weeks with you after a Dday and then went back to his wife, before they became parents?

I know you're hurting. I'm sorry for your pain. I really am. But now, some tough love coming up.

You have to stop feeling so sorry for yourself. You are not nice to everyone. You have caused enormous pain to another woman,just because you got in to your head that you had more right to her husband than she did. Instead of accusing the universe with questions such as why am I not good enough, how about realising that you set yourself up.for failiure. Deciding that a married man is your one and only is putting yourself in the 'why am I second best' hy definition. Also, I think it's a bit rich, complaining about how unfair this is. Do you not see that you have done wrong, very wrong for years?

I've said this to you before. The way you think and talk about Josh is juvenile. You also seem to lack self awareness. I sometimes think you don't really grasp the situation you are in.

Like his wife and baby are just irrelevant obstacles, that are somehow getting in your way of having your happy ending.

You have been involved in a hot mess of lies, betrayal and pain for years, yet none of that seems to register with you.

Sorry for the harsh tone, but unless you drastically change your thinking, this affair will be on again within weeks.

Do you have another six years to waste?

The next step for them is to try for a reconcilliation baby to seal the deal.

Do you want to sit out on the sidelines during yet another pregnancy?

Pull yourself together.

[georgia girl]

Jennifer,

 

I haven't responded to your thread because I saw you getting good insight and just not want to hear it, but I am going to try now because I see you wasting a tremendous amount of time and possibly giving up your dream of getting married and having a family. And make no mistake, holding on to these feelings around Josh is going to cost you everything you want.

 

I used to be similar to you, except my course for finding unavailable men was to find the commitment phobes. If they were hard to attain - if I had to work for their attention - I feel head over heels into obsessive love. At the same time,

I looked around at all of my friends getting married and having babies and wondered what was wrong with me. I can answer that question for you - just like I eventually had to answer it for myself.

 

You don't have a realistic vision of love. You want something unattainable because it feels so good when you get it for a few seconds. The problem is that isn't actually love, it's obsession - and they are way different things.

 

Love is kind and patient. It is generous and understanding. It is the warmth of sharing the simple things and the excitement of sharing the new. I know. Once I figured out that it was me - and not the men I picked - I also met the love of my life. He is so much more to me than any man I had ever obsessed over before (and there was one who had started when I was 14 and lasted until I was 22.)

 

I realized that I was also a commitment phobe. That's why I picked the emotionally unavailable men. I didn't feel confident having the awkward moments in dating - the unsure if I liked someone, the getting to know them, seeing them warts and all. I avoided dating as a rule because the guys "who liked me" were NEVER like the guys I liked. (Yes, I was successful with an athlete's body and I am honest enough to say I was a head turner back when.)

 

So, after my last failed obsession - when I didn't want to get over him but wanted to find a way to get him over his fear - I bought a book about commitment phobes. And uncomfortably, there I was. You see, women who fear commitment often manifest it by seeking out unavailable men. They can then idealize the heck out of the man and the relationship because it's never really going to happen. Women tend to romantacize everything about how perfect their chosen guy is for them and totally live in a fantasy world about what their future will look like. It's even okay if they are not around very much, because scarily enough most of the relationship actually occurs in our heads.

 

Ugh. That was me (and I was engaged to the last phobe). I realized as many have suggested here that I had to work on me. Had to work on letting go and reminding myself that the obsession was killing my dreams. I slowly started to meet people - not looking for a relationship but with whom I shared interests. I met my husband but we took it amazingly slow - we were not intimate for six months as we just dated very, very casually.

 

In the end I fell in love so slowly that my husband had a life-changing bicycle crash and the moment I realized I loved him was when he was airlifted to a hospital two hours away from me and the hospital wouldn't tell me if he was alive or dead. We told each other we loved another as he was being wheeled into emergency surgery to preserve his airway. We recovered together and nearly two years to the day, we got married. I can honestly say I feel like I am living the greatest love story on earth.

 

My point? You have to let go of what isn't real to get to the real. You feel one way - Josh doesn't. You are projecting your feelings on to him. Let go and start learning about yourself. Build a life around the things you love. Love your career? Join a young professionals club. Love food? Take cooking classes. Give yourself all the time you need to grow and learn without romanticizing or daydreaming a different reality. When you can do that, then try and meet someone. Date a few people. Take is slow and don't sleep with anyone until your heart is in it. The right guy waits and appreciates it as much as you do. Build from the inside and the outside follows.

 

But Jen, you have to let go. You don't even see Josh as he is. He is actully just a living fantasy for you. If you don't - if you keep wasting time - you may miss out on everything you want. My last point... while I love my husband more than anything, I met him after I had to have a hysterectomy so we can never have children. I would have loved to have kids and had I grown up a little bit sooner, maybe we could have. Still, I feel incredibly blessed to be living a life I could never have dreamed of. But, I guess that's the point.

 

Good luck. I am rooting for you.

 

GG

[jennifernyc84]

Oh God the things I said. Things that I meant and some that I didn't but all were things that you can't take back.

 

Feels good to say those things to him. Wow! I can't believe all the things I said.

[elaine567]

Oh God the things I said. Things that I meant and some that I didn't but all were things that you can't take back.

 

Feels good to say those things to him. Wow! I can't believe all the things I said.

 

YOU actually sent it?

[jennifernyc84]

Cut and paste of the email.

 

{NAME REMOVED}, I heard that you and {NAME REMOVED} are back together. I am happy that you're back with your family. I just wanted to say a few things to you.

 

You are the biggest liar, conniving, manipulative, disgusting piece of scum I have ever encountered and I curse the day I laid eyes on you. You've done nothing!! Nothing but cause me pain for my whole life you've made me feel like a reject.

 

You were the one who came to me when I was almost over you. You were married and couldn't stand the fact that I wasn't there to wipe the s*** from your ass whenever you would take a dump.

 

You've turned me into a detestable person. You made me do things that I would never dream of doing. All in the name of love. Ha! 5 years wasted Josh. You have no remorse for anyone but yourself.

 

I want to say this from my heart. From the very pit of my stomach. I whole heartedly hate you. I hate you. I hate you and I hate what I have become for you.

 

I hope you enjoy your dinner date tonight and I hope you don't choke on it.

 

Oh and one more thing. If you ever try to talk to me again I will call your wife and tell her everything and I will file a restraining order for harassing me. Mr. CEO, I wonder what your clients would think if this somehow got out.

 

And you can keep your cheesy white roses and card. To my best friend? If thats how you treat your friends I'd sure hate to be your enemy.

 

 

End quote.

 

I think my psycho was showing a bit too much, no?

 

Yeah, those are things you don't recover from.

Edited February 20, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
names removed ~T

[georgia girl]

I hope you burned a bridge with that email, but if you didn't, then please hear me: this has absolutely nothing to do with him and everything to do with you. He is just your first obsession so that's why you don't see a pattern. You can be like me and after this one ends because he ghosts you (not because you do anything to help yourself cope better), you get to move on to the next unhealthy obsession.

 

Or you own you. You Fix you. Every time you want to sit and wallow and think and obsess over why he said that or did this, you stop yourself. You get tough. You want to be someone's momma one day? Moms are tough. You need to get tough with yourself. When you want to daydream, force yourself to do something else. When you want to reminisce, physically stop yourself. I see women on these boards all of the time heartbroken because they can't move on and feeling trapped when it's a trap of your own making. The only person who can get over Josh for you is you. But that means absolutely letting go completely and forever.

 

Jen, it's your future. You can either have a half life waiting on Josh or get tough on yourself, go through all of the pain and get to a full life. It's still all about him for you. No emails to get a reaction out of him. Quit him. Focus on you and learning how to develop a healthy relationship based in reality. It's either that or wait until he ghosts you. The outcome will be the same... the question is how much time you waste. (And yes, nearly every person who is ina loving, happy relationship today had to one day get over someone - even first loves. It's the only way.)

[Jemima1234]

Wow!!! You really said what you wanted to say! You know what - some will say you shouldn't have sent it but actually I like it. I think you made it clear how much he hurt you but took back some pride too. Facts are you don't mean a lot of it- you don't hate him- you want to hate him but you don't! But that doesn't matter really - just don't wake up tomorrow and regret the email. It's sent its done.

 

And why he sent you flowers when getting back with his wife I will never know!!

 

I like you. I feel for you. I relate to your pain. But I hope so much you become a success story on here - a name people look up to like I do others - a person who has moved on and moved forward and healed!

 

Says me, still caught up in the mess!!!!

Edited February 20, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[sandylee1]

Jenn,

 

Even if they didn't try and reconcile that doesn't make them bad parents. It certainly doesn't make her a bad parent especially. It's not a case of giving up, she's had 2 ddays FGS. ...that's more than enough reason to call time.

 

And he went back to her even before they had their son, so that's not the only reason.

 

I personally wouldn't ever give a man the thesatisfaction of knowing I was so hurt by him, but each to their own. It gives them too much power.

 

You also have to stop thinking it's about you not being marriage material. You've never given an available man the chance to get close enough to you, because of your obsession with Josh. You know it's always been one sided and he's never been as into you as you were to him.

Real love isn't adoration like that.

 

You could have been married with kids, but you had this happy ever after in your head and thought you'd fight every obstacle to get there.

 

He's not fighting for you, because if he truly wanted you for more than his OW, he wouldn't have had to fight at all. You were right there for the taking /choosing and he knew that. If he knocked on your door, he'd have been let in. Heknew you were besotted with him.

 

He's used you to stroke his ego, to boost him, make him feel on top of the world like a rockstar and for sex.

 

What kind of a friend is he to your brother, when he's been sleeping with you for the last 4 years in secret. He chats to your brother, while he's scre***g you on the side.

 

He's a lowlife, but you allowed him to be a lowlife with you.

 

He's a crap husband and a crap friend.

 

What goes around comes around and he'll get his one day.

[jennifernyc84]

I hope he does, sandy.

 

Even if I don't hate him, at least he thinks I do. And it felt good to threaten him.

[whichwayisup]

He's still blocked. I was on the phone with my sister in law (brothers wife) and she told me that her and my brother had dinner plans for tonight in the city with Josh and his wife. She's clueless about the affair so she was just making conversation.

 

What hurts the most is that he had 6 weeks. He had a whole month and a half to fight for me. To show me that I do matter. And he never did not once.

 

What's wrong with me? Why am I not good enough to marry and have kids with? I'm a good person. I'm good looking. I'm nice to everyone. I'm smart. I'm successful. Why am I only good enough to take to bed? Why has he never, in all the years I've known him, felt like I do? Is there something wrong that I don't see? How can I feel like he's so absolutely right for me and he doesn't see it at all? How can I love him so much and get nothing back? Why do I love him when he's never ever ever shown me that love back?

 

This is extremely upsetting to me and makes me so angry I could drop a house with my bare hands. I'm so tired of crying. It's so exausting to feel this emotional. I'm genuinely tired.

 

Are you done with him yet? This is yet another HUGE realty check here. He had plenty of chances to be with you, end his marriage, file for divorce and he hasn't. He loves his wife and has built a life with her. He was never yours to begin with yet your brain and heart has made it seem like he has been yours.

 

There's nothing wrong with you Jen. It's just that you two aren't meant to be husband and wife. Honestly the sooner you can accept that and really let go of him, grieve the loss the better you'll be. If you continue to wish/hope and wait the more time wasted you'll be doing. He's living his life, you're not.

 

Please, for your own sanity, accept that he isn't moving the earth to be with you, really let it sink in and stop allowing his table scraps to mean something. Those scraps are his ego feed....

 

I thought you said his wife knew about your affair with him? You say now she's clueless now about it?