It DOES get easier

[jennifernyc84]

Jenn, I've been traveling and unable to check in for awhile. And then I come back and wow.

 

How are you? Major ups and downs. The roller coaster has not been kind to you lately. I'm so sorry.

 

But, now it looks like reality is starting to eat away at the fog. I'm sorry for that too. But its necessary in order to move on.

 

You are 100% right. He doesn't deserve either of you but right now all you need to care about is getting you out of it. Just keep moving forward. When you feel needy for him, remember her call. Remember how he talked about you. Then tell yourself you are the lucky one. You are moving forward to a much better life.

 

Next time he calls you, and he will, hang up and instantly call his wife and say, please tell your lowlife husband to stop calling me, then hang up again.

 

Jennifer, I am pulling for you.

 

 

Thanks, storm. I'm ok, actually. The phone call made me mad the minute I realized it was her, but after I heard her hysteria, I could only feel sorry for her. I've realized that it never really was about me. I get to walk away and hopefully one day, move on and find the right one. She, on the other hand, is binded by marriage to this guy, not to mention the toddler they have. And she has to live with this, reminded every single time she looks at him, that he cheated on her for almost 5 years!

 

I wish I could take back what I did to her. She's a human being that did nothing wrong expect fall in love with the same Dbag that I did.

 

Women despise women like me. I'm disgusting for doing the things I did. How could I be so dumb? I'm a good person. I care about people. I would never intentionally hurt someone for my own selfish benefit. How did I result to this?

 

It's a scary thought, how weak minded I had become.

 

I mostly can't stop thinking about the tone of her voice. It was like the pain I felt on steroids.

 

How could I think they I had it worse than she does?

 

I wish she knew how sorry I feel. I told her, but I don't think she listened.

[deadsoul]

 

She sounded just like me. It was such a reality check. He had both of us, me and her, completely under his spell. In the palm of his hand. I've never felt compassion for her but seeing her like that, all I could do was apologize.

 

I am truly beginning to see him for what he is. A creep that doesn't deserve either of us.

 

Boom. I'm so glad you realized that she sounded just like you. That had to be a real eye-opener.

 

I'm actually glad this happened because now you can empathize with her more, put this behind you and move on. Seriously, you dodged a bullet with that guy. And she's stuck with him.

 

You aren't a terrible person, you just made some bad choices. Guess what? Welcome to being human. Now start using your powers for good instead of evil ;-) That's what I'm trying to do in my life.

 

I really think this is a turning point for you. You will still have some down moments, but you will be able to move forward, with your head held high and some day have a real relationship with someone who is totally worthy of you. Do not settle for anything less!

[BaileyB]

So, it came down to it. She called me. I have stated before that when/if she confronts me, I would not lie or try to cover anything! I have no reason to. But the way that he exposed me, made it look like I was the one chasing him down! When in truth, I've been the one to break up with him at least 5 times, and he's the one that would do the chasing!

 

I never once went looking for him, or sending him any kind of smoke signals.

 

Anywho...she called me from a number I didn't know, so I answered totally unprepared.

 

She asked if it was me, I said yes, and then came the whole script of whatever she had planned to say. From calling me a no good homewrecking wh***, to saying how he didn't respect me (surprise surprise), and everything in between.

 

He made it look like he was so innocent. No wonder she keeps forgiving him. What struck me the most, was that she sounded so clouded by her love for him, like he could never do wrong. She was so sure of it. She had faith in him.

 

She sounded just like me. It was such a reality check. He had both of us, me and her, completely under his spell. In the palm of his hand. I've never felt compassion for her but seeing her like that, all I could do was apologize.

 

I am truly beginning to see him for what he is. A creep that doesn't deserve either of us.

 

Of course, he threw you under the bus... He thinks only of himself and he does what is convenient for him. That's not much of a surprise.

 

But, good for you to see that and interesting that you saw your blind devotion in his wife. As hard as it must have been for you to listen to some of the things that she said, what you should feel for this woman is compassion... You are free to leave him behind and find happiness, love, and joy in your life. This woman is stuck with a lying, serial cheat and she will be tied to him for the rest of her life because of the children.

 

And yes, the things that she said to you were said in anger. You are definitely not a terrible person, just a little naive and you made some bad decisions. But, you have grown as a person and you are making better decisions now... and that, is really important to celebrate!

[BuddyX]

Let's not forget "What did you expect, she's the mother of my child". The key word is Mother. He did not say Wife. Talk about a cake eater.

 

I use this line all the time, when people ask me about my ex wife and if I ever talk to her. My response, "I don't water dead flowers". And in your case it's prob roses.

 

But do you understand the power of the affair Fog? We spend pages on your thread explaining and predicting his behavior.

 

Stick around LS and please warn others if they think their A is unique or special.

[jennifernyc84]

I know I've had way too much to drink tonight becasue I am missing him like crazy right now. I've been crying for an hour and thinking of things that I shloudnt be thinking of. This is all my fault I never should have let it go this far. He never loved me why did I think he ever could. I'm mad. I'm so angry.

[BuddyX]

Even after he you threw under the bus

Edited March 5, 2017 by BuddyX
Grammar

[BuddyX]

Even after he threw you under the bus?

Edited March 5, 2017 by BuddyX
Grammar

[jah526]

I know I've had way too much to drink tonight becasue I am missing him like crazy right now. I've been crying for an hour and thinking of things that I shloudnt be thinking of. This is all my fault I never should have let it go this far. He never loved me why did I think he ever could. I'm mad. I'm so angry.

 

Hope you are feeling better today.

 

This isn't about you. It's about him. Look at it from his perspective - you were new in the city, alone, young, he knew you had a crush on him, and you probably needed a friend. To an opportunistic type of person, wouldn't someone like this be easy to take advantage of? And yeah, you could've maybe fought harder against him, but you are fighting your own wants and needs, and with a little manipulation, it's really hard to resist.

 

More and more I'm seeing MM as an opportunist, like a shark that can smell weakness and goes right in for the kill. It's not a question of love, or what's wrong with you. It's about vulnerability, and people willing to take advantage of it.

[jennifernyc84]

Hope you are feeling better today.

 

This isn't about you. It's about him. Look at it from his perspective - you were new in the city, alone, young, he knew you had a crush on him, and you probably needed a friend. To an opportunistic type of person, wouldn't someone like this be easy to take advantage of? And yeah, you could've maybe fought harder against him, but you are fighting your own wants and needs, and with a little manipulation, it's really hard to resist.

 

More and more I'm seeing MM as an opportunist, like a shark that can smell weakness and goes right in for the kill. It's not a question of love, or what's wrong with you. It's about vulnerability, and people willing to take advantage of it.

 

It was definitely the alcohol talking last night. I'm good today, just a bit hung over. I know he is a horrible person. I don't want anything to do with him anymore. Not even as a friend. But...that doesn't mean I don't miss him. Call me crazy. Because even though it was a lie, there were times when he was nice.

 

I think what I miss is an attractive, successful man paying attention to me and chasing after me.

 

Now if I can just find a SINGLE, attractive successful guy lol kidding.

 

I'm not looking to be in a relationship of any kind right now. I wouldn't even have the time to try. This is my year, and I'm going to do me first.

 

No last night wasn't about him. It was me being lonely. But guess what? I'm not the only person who feels alone in a big city. The reason I moved here was for my career. That is what I need to focus on for now.

[jah526]

But...that doesn't mean I don't miss him. Call me crazy. Because even though it was a lie, there were times when he was nice.

 

I know what you mean. Mine was "nice" too sometimes. He gave me things and brought me places, taught me stuff. But it was all just to lay the groundwork, with the expectation of something in return, eventually. He was the master of the long con.

 

One thing I read recently that's helping me. Life is simpler if you live by your principles rather than being guided by your emotions. It's difficult for me - I'm a very emotional person (not outwardly, but inwardly). Emotions are transitory, but principles are your rock, something you can hang onto when things get rough. And it is hard in this age of instant gratification when everyone seems to be tossing principles to the wind. But I think there's something to be said for it.

 

Anyway, I'm glad you are better.

[jennifernyc84]

Thinking back on it, and I'm starting to see that he never treated me like an equal. It was like I was his slave. I never could speak my mind because I was scared of losing him. I never could disagree with him because I was afraid I'd make him mad.

 

Omg, this is such a scary realization. how could he be such a monster? How could one person take such a strong advantage of another person? Did he get off on the control he had over me? How did I get this way?

 

I know I said before that I didn't hate him, but I'm starting to hate him! Thinking of his face is disgusting me! I want to punch him right in the face and then throw up afterwards.

 

What a sickening pathetic excuse for a man. I am filled with extreme hatred right now beyond the point of explaination. I'd love nothing more than to see him so I could spit in right in the eye.

 

I'm so mad! My heart is racing and I'm hyperventilating. I hate his guts.

[jah526]

Thinking back on it, and I'm starting to see that he never treated me like an equal. It was like I was his slave. I never could speak my mind because I was scared of losing him. I never could disagree with him because I was afraid I'd make him mad.

 

Well, yeah, I mean that's kind of the point of having a mistress isn't it? It's an escape from reality for these guys, from stressed out wives and crying babies and bills. They want a nice, compliant, appreciative, sexually adventurous plaything that they can escape to whenever they feel the need. One they never have to think about afterwards, no strings attached.

 

The last time I talked to MM he told me I cause him stress (subtext: and don't I understand I'm never supposed to do that?). I almost laughed. He has no clue the kind of pain he's caused me.

[eye of the storm]

Thinking back on it, and I'm starting to see that he never treated me like an equal. It was like I was his slave. I never could speak my mind because I was scared of losing him. I never could disagree with him because I was afraid I'd make him mad. This was your choice. You chose to not speak your mind, You chose to never disagree with him.

 

Omg, this is such a scary realization. how could he be such a monster? How could one person take such a strong advantage of another person? Did he get off on the control he had over me? How did I get this way? You gave him the advantage, you game him the control.

 

I know I said before that I didn't hate him, but I'm starting to hate him! Thinking of his face is disgusting me! I want to punch him right in the face and then throw up afterwards.

 

What a sickening pathetic excuse for a man. I am filled with extreme hatred right now beyond the point of explaination. I'd love nothing more than to see him so I could spit in right in the eye.

 

I'm so mad! My heart is racing and I'm hyperventilating. I hate his guts.

 

Jenn, be careful. Big mood swings again. Try to stay closer to the middle of the spectrum.

 

I was in a bad marriage, but in therapy I had to learn to take responsibility for my actions in the marriage. I wasn't abusive to him. But I accepted his behavior. By accepting his behavior I was telling him it was ok to continue doing what he was doing. That was on me.

 

Josh treated you like crap. But you allowed it, encouraged it. Anything to keep him in your life. Now that you see, now that you understand. You can finally work on why you did.

 

I had issues moving on from my marriage, issues letting it go, until I accepted my part. Then I could work on me. Doing that allowed me to finally let go.

 

I'm still pulling for you. You got this!!!

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Jenn, be careful. Big mood swings again. Try to stay closer to the middle of the spectrum.

 

I was in a bad marriage, but in therapy I had to learn to take responsibility for my actions in the marriage. I wasn't abusive to him. But I accepted his behavior. By accepting his behavior I was telling him it was ok to continue doing what he was doing. That was on me.

 

Josh treated you like crap. But you allowed it, encouraged it. Anything to keep him in your life. Now that you see, now that you understand. You can finally work on why you did.

 

I had issues moving on from my marriage, issues letting it go, until I accepted my part. Then I could work on me. Doing that allowed me to finally let go.

 

I'm still pulling for you. You got this!!!

 

This is awesome! Hang in, Jen!

[HadMeOverABarrel]

 

What a sickening pathetic excuse for a man. I am filled with extreme hatred right now beyond the point of explaination. I'd love nothing more than to see him so I could spit in right in the eye.

 

I'm so mad! My heart is racing and I'm hyperventilating. I hate his guts.

 

Hey, Jen. I'm sorry you are feeling this way today. The rage is so rough--probably the hardest part of going through this from my experience so I can understand what you are going through. If it makes you feel any better, your comment about spitting in his eye made me lol. If I were with you and we found him in an alley, I'd probably hold him down for you so you could do it. Stay sane, though, any way you can, for yourself!

[MidnightBlue1980]

Even after he threw you under the bus?

 

I think some of us get addicted to the pain of loving someone so unattainable, even when he is cruel and cold, a part of us is drawn closer. Yin and yang.

[Lovetoo]

Hey Jen, I'm sorry to hear you're have these troubles. I'm currently going through the same. At this moment I have no intent to contact him, but I can't speak for next month. We should support each other. It hurts to love someone who obviously doesn't feel the same way. Again, I too am in the same boat. We are both wonderful women. There should be men lining up. I wonder if we think we won't find better let me support you, and I'd love to have you too. I'd rather gain 300lbs than contact him again. Lol. I couldn't think of anything better. How do we love someone who doesn't reciprocate? How!?!!

Jenn, I love you. You love you, better. Better than what you have. I must do the same. I've been working out and working on myself. Maybe that would be good for you too. Reading and goal planning etc. one thing I do need to get under control is going to his and her social media page. That would be the biggest blessing. One time I went about two weeks. I felt strong. Then like two weeks later after almost two months of NC I contact him. I'm trying to recognize patterns. Maybe you have some too that you can see? That might help you to keep yourself from "relapsing".

[heartwhole]

Do you see the pattern?

Two contrasting emotional responses, both extreme and unblanced and *no process* and transition between the two.

You are avoiding the process, You are avoiding complexity and most of all you are avoiding ownership.

 

Jen, I think you should go back and reread all of imsosad's comments. Only you can stop this incredibly predictable pattern. Didn't I tell you that the pendulum would swing from nonchalance to devastation?

 

The truth is that all three players in this love triangle are humans with flaws. You seem to be able only to view yourself, Josh, and his wife as total villains or blameless victims. It's dizzying, really. You need to understand that you are all people with imperfect information and various motivations making choices.

 

I believe that you need to put in serious time with your IC to gain insight into yourself and others and to develop resilience, empathy, self-esteem, and coping skills. Posting "I hate him, he's scum," "I hate myself, I'm scum," etc etc here is not getting you anywhere new.

 

As a BW I found your description of your call from her pretty chilling, and I hope in the future you will recognize that you have all the information you need in life to predict how your actions will impact others. You shouldn't need a hysterical person confronting you to clue you into the pain that would result from doing something cruel and reckless. And now you treat Josh like he is unfeeling sociopath, which of course he could be, but chances are he is not. Chances are that like you, he has impulse control issues, trouble with empathy, lack of concern for how his actions will impact others, judgment problems, etc. The answer is not "Then we're worthless scum!" but to begin the work of building the emotional tools that you haven't yet developed.

 

You also have all the information you need to predict how Josh will act and how you will react. Past behavior is your clue.

[jennifernyc84]

I have known all along what I need to do. If you go back and re read my original post, I wanted out before it even began. I knew it was wrong. I knew it would be a bad road to go down. I didn't want to want to. But I did want to. If that even makes sense.

 

Now, I'm so messed up I can't even begin to think of how to heal myself. Yes, I'm having these loopy thoughts. But please believe that I'm not planning these actions or feelings.

 

As exausting as it must be for you guys to read about it, it's that much harder for me to go through it.

 

I'm trying.

[BaileyB]

Josh is probably not a monster, just a man who is deeply flawed.

 

Reread the posts from eye of the storm and heartwhole. They are very insightful.

Hang in there - and find yourself a really good counsellor!

[jennifernyc84]

No, he isn't a monster.

 

And aren't we all some what flawed?

 

He had a good upbringing. His parents are great. His brother is a sweetheart. I love his sister. I just can't figure out where this, as my therapist puts it, void feeling that he has comes from.

 

My therapist says that he's trying to fill something that he felt he couldn't ever fill. I don't know. I think she's over thinking it.

 

But whatever the case may be, he was never mean to me. Or maybe I just couldn't see it. But I know that whenever I'd have a problem or was going through a hard time, he'd always be right there holding my hand.

 

I can't tell you how many times he'd run to be by my side when I needed him. Before the affair anyway.

 

After he got married I am almost ashamed to say, I was in such a dark place. I remember his wedding day. I was at the salon getting my hair done and right there in the chair I started bawling. It's funny how, thinking back to that day, I can still remember exactly how I felt. I felt like I had lost everything I'd ever hoped for. And 2 years later when he called me, I felt like maybe I didn't lose after all.

 

It's so so hard having the man you love be married to someone else.

[minimariah]

But whatever the case may be, he was never mean to me.

 

you wrote this a while back:

 

Omg, this is such a scary realization. how could he be such a monster? How could one person take such a strong advantage of another person? Did he get off on the control he had over me? How did I get this way?

 

Thinking back on it now, he would always kinda use me to feed his ego. Even when we were kids, he'd do thing that would totally boggle my mind trying to figure out what they meant. As embarrassing as this may sound, but then again I was a kid myself, I would cry myself to sleep many nights, because he'd build me up so high, then break me down.

 

It's so so hard having the man you love be married to someone else.

 

i think it's harder having the man you love not love you back.

Edited March 10, 2017 by minimariah

[Poppy47]

No, he isn't a monster.

 

And aren't we all some what flawed?

 

He had a good upbringing. His parents are great. His brother is a sweetheart. I love his sister. I just can't figure out where this, as my therapist puts it, void feeling that he has comes from.

 

My therapist says that he's trying to fill something that he felt he couldn't ever fill. I don't know. I think she's over thinking it.

 

But whatever the case may be, he was never mean to me. Or maybe I just couldn't see it. But I know that whenever I'd have a problem or was going through a hard time, he'd always be right there holding my hand.

 

I can't tell you how many times he'd run to be by my side when I needed him. Before the affair anyway.

 

After he got married I am almost ashamed to say, I was in such a dark place. I remember his wedding day. I was at the salon getting my hair done and right there in the chair I started bawling. It's funny how, thinking back to that day, I can still remember exactly how I felt. I felt like I had lost everything I'd ever hoped for. And 2 years later when he called me, I felt like maybe I didn't lose after all.

 

It's so so hard having the man you love be married to someone else.

 

All the background things you mentioned don't make him a good man. Even Hitler had a mother and father and probably a good solid upbringing.

 

Poppy.

[BaileyB]

No, he isn't a monster.

 

And aren't we all some what flawed?

 

He had a good upbringing. His parents are great. His brother is a sweetheart. I love his sister. I just can't figure out where this, as my therapist puts it, void feeling that he has comes from.

 

My therapist says that he's trying to fill something that he felt he couldn't ever fill. I don't know. I think she's over thinking it.

 

But whatever the case may be, he was never mean to me. Or maybe I just couldn't see it. But I know that whenever I'd have a problem or was going through a hard time, he'd always be right there holding my hand.

 

I can't tell you how many times he'd run to be by my side when I needed him. Before the affair anyway.

 

After he got married I am almost ashamed to say, I was in such a dark place. I remember his wedding day. I was at the salon getting my hair done and right there in the chair I started bawling. It's funny how, thinking back to that day, I can still remember exactly how I felt. I felt like I had lost everything I'd ever hoped for. And 2 years later when he called me, I felt like maybe I didn't lose after all.

 

It's so so hard having the man you love be married to someone else.

 

I think you are overthinking it. Don't waste so much of your time and energy trying to figure out why he did what he did... It doesn't actually matter anymore.

 

Two things matter - why you did what you did and what you need to do to move forward in your life.

[BuddyX]

Yes he's a monster. You have to think like that. Because The moment you say "he's just flawed" you'll follow it up with "we're all flawed". Then you start justifying his actions. Then you start feeling sorry for him. Then.....you see where I'm going with this?

 

He walked on his wife and kid. Yes, in my book, that makes him a monster.