It DOES get easier

[Bittersweetie]

Jenn, when I started posting here there were many posts that really pissed me off. I was a wayward wife, the lowest of the low here on this board. I'd think, "Why did they have to be so mean? Really? What does that accomplish?" But I found as time went on that the posts that pissed me off the most touched a nerve, touched something that I needed to face and work on. And when I thought about things, worked through stuff, I looked back and realized those posts weren't "mean"...they just weren't sugarcoating things.

 

I think a lot of people here are invested in you...we've been there, we see what a jerk this man is, we see hope and promise in you. Maybe that's why it seems like we're being hard on you when you backtrack.

[imsosad]

Yes, I know what reading harsh posts directed at you feels like.

I came on this board, a married woman after an A with a married man. I then left my husband of 15 years and father of my four children to be with my AP.

Imagine the responses I recieved. Tbh, many of them had valid points and gave me excellant advice. Blaming posters for being unsympathetic is pointless. It's projecting your frustration. You got much more support and empathy than critisism.

I want to say to things to you.

First, you have been here for months, and for the most part you have displayed two emotional positions: I can never get over him, we're so perfect for each other,why can't he see, I can't help myself...

The other position is -I hate him!! I'm so done with him!!I don't want him anyway!

The latter was,more than once, accompanied by an angry mail.

Do you see the pattern?

Two contrasting emotional responses, both extreme and unblanced and *no process* and transition between the two.

You are avoiding the process, You are avoiding complexity and most of all you are avoiding ownership.

Second thing I want to say,is I think you secretly want us all to join in on your fantasy. I think you want to see a dozen responses saying, oh gosh,Jen, how can he not see the light? You guys are so meant to be! How can he be so blind? It's so obvious that you can't get over him because he is the one for you!

You get upset when we refuse to join in. While getting such replies might make you feel good for about five minutes, they don't help at all.

You have to work on your range of emotions, on your maturity, on your empathy, on your slf esteem and self worth. It's hard work wnd it doesn't feel good. This mess won't work itslf out. You have to work it.

[jennifernyc84]

You know what's funny to me? How I can read someone else's posts on here and see the situation so clearly for what it is, yet for myself, it's the opposite.

 

I'm better at giving advice than receiving I guess lol

 

I guess I need to view my situation as an outside person. I have to remove myself from the predicament to see it for what it is. A crap shoot.

[BaileyB]

Agreed^^.

 

The pining, the "he was the only one for me, why did she get him and I didn't, we could have had such a happy life together" and then the swing to anger "I hate him! Why didn't he chose me! I can't stand the thought of him being with his wife!" Reminds me very much of the adolescent emotions and mood swings of a teenager who's first love just left her for the lead cheerleader...

 

And, you say that you don't want to see him anymore, but then you continue to obsess about him. I also think you are secretly waiting for his attention, for him to come around and say "I was so wrong, we were meant to be together." I think you would take him back in a heartbeat if that happened. And in the meantime, you would be happy with the attention of the people on this forum telling you "Its alright. He treated you badly. It would have been perfect, if it had only worked out."

 

You would really benefit from counselling, to develop some maturity in dealing with your emotions, to focus on your self esteem and learn how to steer your own life course, and to develop some more skills so that you don't need attention for validation.

 

And, if I may just say, I think the poster who said "we know Josh loved the fact that you loved him" was bang on. He clearly loved the attention and the devotion that you offered to him... That's probably what he's missing most right now...

[jennifernyc84]

Agreed^^.

 

The pining, the "he was the only one for me, why did she get him and I didn't, we could have had such a happy life together" and then the swing to anger "I hate him! Why didn't he chose me! I can't stand the thought of him being with his wife!" Reminds me very much of the adolescent emotions and mood swings of a teenager who's first love just left her for the lead cheerleader...

 

And, you say that you don't want to see him anymore, but then you continue to obsess about him. I also think you are secretly waiting for his attention, for him to come around and say "I was so wrong, we were meant to be together." I think you would take him back in a heartbeat if that happened. And in the meantime, you would be happy with the attention of the people on this forum telling you "Its alright. He treated you badly. It would have been perfect, if it had only worked out."

 

You would really benefit from counselling, to develop some maturity in dealing with your emotions, to focus on your self esteem and learn how to steer your own life course, and to develop some more skills so that you don't need attention for validation.

 

And, if I may just say, I think the poster who said "we know Josh loved the fact that you loved him" was bang on. He clearly loved the attention and the devotion that you offered to him... That's probably what he's missing most right now...

 

I do agree with this, being the fact that this was my first real relationship. How dysfunctional is that, that this is my first real relationship?

 

I didnt date in high school. I didnt date in college. I briefly dated a guy before the whole Josh thing happended. But I broke up with him to be with Josh.

[BaileyB]

I do agree with this, being the fact that this was my first real relationship. How dysfunctional is that, that this is my first real relationship?

 

I didnt date in high school. I didnt date in college. I briefly dated a guy before the whole Josh thing happended. But I broke up with him to be with Josh.

 

No worries. For many people, the first relationship isn't the keeper... It's all about learning - about yourself, and how to develop a healthy relationship with another person. I had a "fairytale" view of relationships when I was younger... I would hate to think what would have happened if would have had a serious relationship at that age. I do not think that it would have lasted, that's for sure.

 

Jen, you've had a pretty "unhealthy" start to learning about what it is to be in a relationship. Counselling should help you to learn more so that the next time, it will be a more healthy relationship with a much better partner.

Edited February 21, 2017 by BaileyB

[sandylee1]

You broke up being a girlfriend , to become a mistress. Meanwhile, Josh didnt change a damn thing.

 

See the imbalance here. It's always been the case. He saw you moving on from the idolising and didn't like it.

 

Had you remained watching him in wedded bliss, he may never have started the A, but he had to have you in sight and decided to offer you more than being a fan. ..he upgraded you to be his OW.

[Lauracake]

Hope your doing ok

Xxx

[jennifernyc84]

Hope your doing ok

Xxx

 

Hey Laura,

 

Yeah, I actually am ok.

 

I was offered a promotion which would require a lot more hours but also a bigger paycheck. I still need to go through some training, but i think it's a great opportunity for me.

 

I've just been focusing on me, ya know? It feels great to put myself first. I am learning a lot about myself, and at 32 I know that sounds strange, but it's refreshing. The best way for me to describe the way I feel is, like I'm having a cold drink of water on a hot day. So replenished. I'm becoming comfortable with being by myself. My therapist was telling me something about how being by yourself doesn't necessarily mean you're alone. And that struck a chord with me. She was so right.

 

Haven't heard from Josh. Not expecting to. Not interested one way or the other. Someone here at LS said something about finally not caring about him. Not hating, just not feeling anything. He'd just be an ordinary person. That's how I'm feeling. Just like blah. Whatever. I can't even believe how much better I feel. Whatever it is, I'm happy I'm here. I feel like me. I've never felt so much like my own person.

 

I haven't had a lot of time to post lately, with the new job training, But I want to thank everyone for taking time out and offering a load of help when I felt like I had no one.

 

God bless and I pray that this post would inspire someone who is feeling like I was just a few weeks ago.

[jennifernyc84]

I posted the other day that he hasn't tried to contact me. Turns out, he has, I just didn't know. Wow what a couple days can do. I was so desperate for any kind of reply for him back then. Now.. I hadn't even realized he did.

 

I was waiting for a confirmation email from my company and never received it. I called to ask what was up, and they said they sent it. So I figured out that I set up that only people in my contacts email get sent straight through. All others go to junk or spam. So I checked my spam mail, and sure enough, there was an email from him.

 

I hesitated on opening it, but I decided to. He just said "I'm sorry, but what did you expect? She does have my son!"

 

I laughed.. and hit delete. That's it. I don't feel like my world is flipped upside down. I don't feel angry or sad. I'm fine.

 

I am so happy and proud of myself for not having a meltdown like I normally would have.

 

Oh and I should add, I haven't taken my medication in 8 days, so this is all me!

[drypuddle]

I posted the other day that he hasn't tried to contact me. Turns out, he has, I just didn't know. Wow what a couple days can do. I was so desperate for any kind of reply for him back then. Now.. I hadn't even realized he did.

 

I was waiting for a confirmation email from my company and never received it. I called to ask what was up, and they said they sent it. So I figured out that I set up that only people in my contacts email get sent straight through. All others go to junk or spam. So I checked my spam mail, and sure enough, there was an email from him.

 

I hesitated on opening it, but I decided to. He just said "I'm sorry, but what did you expect? She does have my son!"

 

I laughed.. and hit delete. That's it. I don't feel like my world is flipped upside down. I don't feel angry or sad. I'm fine.

 

I am so happy and proud of myself for not having a meltdown like I normally would have.

 

Oh and I should add, I haven't taken my medication in 8 days, so this is all me!

 

Great that you're feeling strong! It seems like you're making progress!

 

Sidenote: assuming you're referring to anti-depressants, being on anti-depressants doesn't make a person weak or any lesser than themselves. It's that kind of stigma that keeps having a mental illness, such as clinical depression, as something to be ashamed of. It isn't.

[Midlifecrisis1]

 

I hesitated on opening it, but I decided to. He just said "I'm sorry, but what did you expect? She does have my son!"

 

 

he sounds awful. i mean, yes, it's true...they have a child together. but the way he said it...ugh. "What did you expect?!" i'd understand an "i'm so sorry...i just can't be without my son but i do love you". he's officially a douchebag.

[deadsoul]

I posted the other day that he hasn't tried to contact me. Turns out, he has, I just didn't know. Wow what a couple days can do. I was so desperate for any kind of reply for him back then. Now.. I hadn't even realized he did.

 

I was waiting for a confirmation email from my company and never received it. I called to ask what was up, and they said they sent it. So I figured out that I set up that only people in my contacts email get sent straight through. All others go to junk or spam. So I checked my spam mail, and sure enough, there was an email from him.

 

I hesitated on opening it, but I decided to. He just said "I'm sorry, but what did you expect? She does have my son!"

 

I laughed.. and hit delete. That's it. I don't feel like my world is flipped upside down. I don't feel angry or sad. I'm fine.

 

I am so happy and proud of myself for not having a meltdown like I normally would have.

 

Oh and I should add, I haven't taken my medication in 8 days, so this is all me!

 

Damn. That dude is harsh. That hurts, but on the other hand, you see his true colors and they aren't pretty. He's a miserable person. I'm glad you are taking care of you.

 

I also want to reiterate that taking meds is not a bad thing. Some people need ADs like a diabetic needs insulin.

[BaileyB]

You should be really proud. Well done.

 

He is now angry, because you haven't done what he wants from you. That is an angry, bitter response... Much like a child would throw a tantrum - "It's your fault you know. What did you expect! If you would only do what I want..."

 

Stay strong! And start looking ahead, there is someone out there who will give you the love you deserve, when you are ready...

[jennifernyc84]

Please understand, I'm not saying taking meds is a bad thing. There's no shame if there's a problem, it needs to be fixed.

 

I'm only saying, the meds were making me feel worse. They were making sick also. I'm so much better without them, I think. Or maybe it's Josh I'm so much better without

[heartwhole]

I just want to warn you to beware of the pendulum shifting from indifference to devastation again. I'm afraid it's not possible to process the loss of your hopes and dreams for this relationship so quickly -- not if you felt as deeply as you say.

[whichwayisup]

You're on a high because you didn't write him back, good! use that powerful feeling to keep pushing you forward. Right now you're feeling great and strong but expect down days and sadness. That anger is healthy so just allow yourself to feel whatever emotion hits. Just don't beat yourself up when you start missing him again and wanting contact. There will be days, just as heartwhole has said, seeing how long he's been involved in your life and how much you've invested in him it will take a while to work through and let go totally. With that said, you're certainly on the up and up!!

 

And, next time, don't open his email, just delete it. (though I thought you'd blocked him so I don't get how it ended up in your junk folder. blocking means no email comes though, right?)

[sandylee1]

He's such a waste of space isn't he. I bet he never stopped begging her to give him another chance.

 

Onwards and upwards. Keep focused on your new job and everything else will fall into the place in good time.

[HeCantBreakMe]

He's such a waste of space isn't he. I bet he never stopped begging her to give him another chance.

 

Onwards and upwards. Keep focused on your new job and everything else will fall into the place in good time.

 

I am not a betting girl but i would bet a lot of money that the bold is 100% correct.

 

Jen, I do worry a little about your patterns in how you have and are dealing with this currently. It runs a certain, hate to love with not a lot of in between. Just remember it is okay to be sad and feel a sense of loss. You have to grieve this and know it is a process. If you don't then i worry you will tend to continue and flip flop with your emotions.

[jennifernyc84]

I am not a betting girl but i would bet a lot of money that the bold is 100% correct.

 

Jen, I do worry a little about your patterns in how you have and are dealing with this currently. It runs a certain, hate to love with not a lot of in between. Just remember it is okay to be sad and feel a sense of loss. You have to grieve this and know it is a process. If you don't then i worry you will tend to continue and flip flop with your emotions.

 

Truthfully, I don't hate him. And I don't think he hates me. I'm just beginning to see that we're not and never were meant for each other. We're both no good for each other. We do dispicable things to each other and it is not only hurting ourselves, but also the people around us. I don't hate him. I hate what we had become..me and him. I hate what we did and I hate, hate, hate, that we ruined a lifelong friendship. But I don't hate him.

 

I miss him of course, and it hurts like hell, that cannot be expected to be gone in a weeks time, but reaching out to him will only prolong that hell.

 

I'm not willing to go back to where I was just a short time ago. I hated that feeling. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, so why should I inflict it on myself? Makes no sense.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Truthfully, I don't hate him. And I don't think he hates me. I'm just beginning to see that we're not and never were meant for each other. We're both no good for each other. We do dispicable things to each other and it is not only hurting ourselves, but also the people around us. I don't hate him. I hate what we had become..me and him. I hate what we did and I hate, hate, hate, that we ruined a lifelong friendship. But I don't hate him.

 

I miss him of course, and it hurts like hell, that cannot be expected to be gone in a weeks time, but reaching out to him will only prolong that hell.

 

I'm not willing to go back to where I was just a short time ago. I hated that feeling. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, so why should I inflict it on myself? Makes no sense.

 

Great point! Keep walking Jenn it sounds like you are doing much better.

[jennifernyc84]

So, it came down to it. She called me. I have stated before that when/if she confronts me, I would not lie or try to cover anything! I have no reason to. But the way that he exposed me, made it look like I was the one chasing him down! When in truth, I've been the one to break up with him at least 5 times, and he's the one that would do the chasing!

 

I never once went looking for him, or sending him any kind of smoke signals.

 

Anywho...she called me from a number I didn't know, so I answered totally unprepared.

 

She asked if it was me, I said yes, and then came the whole script of whatever she had planned to say. From calling me a no good homewrecking wh***, to saying how he didn't respect me (surprise surprise), and everything in between.

 

He made it look like he was so innocent. No wonder she keeps forgiving him. What struck me the most, was that she sounded so clouded by her love for him, like he could never do wrong. She was so sure of it. She had faith in him.

 

She sounded just like me. It was such a reality check. He had both of us, me and her, completely under his spell. In the palm of his hand. I've never felt compassion for her but seeing her like that, all I could do was apologize.

 

I am truly beginning to see him for what he is. A creep that doesn't deserve either of us.

[BTDT2012]

I hope this will allow you to truly close the door and move forward. Let them sort out their relationship. It is no longer your concern.

[SeenNotHeard]

I am truly beginning to see him for what he is. A creep that doesn't deserve either of us.

 

That kind of says it all doesn't Jen? Glad to see your progress, you are moving forward.

[eye of the storm]

Jenn, I've been traveling and unable to check in for awhile. And then I come back and wow.

 

How are you? Major ups and downs. The roller coaster has not been kind to you lately. I'm so sorry.

 

But, now it looks like reality is starting to eat away at the fog. I'm sorry for that too. But its necessary in order to move on.

 

You are 100% right. He doesn't deserve either of you but right now all you need to care about is getting you out of it. Just keep moving forward. When you feel needy for him, remember her call. Remember how he talked about you. Then tell yourself you are the lucky one. You are moving forward to a much better life.

 

Next time he calls you, and he will, hang up and instantly call his wife and say, please tell your lowlife husband to stop calling me, then hang up again.

 

Jennifer, I am pulling for you.