It DOES get easier

[BTDT2012]

Don't waste your time trying to figure out why he behaves as he does. Your job is to figure out your whys and never let yourself get into this situation again.

[whichwayisup]

No, he isn't a monster.

 

And aren't we all some what flawed?

 

He had a good upbringing. His parents are great. His brother is a sweetheart. I love his sister. I just can't figure out where this, as my therapist puts it, void feeling that he has comes from.

My therapist says that he's trying to fill something that he felt he couldn't ever fill. I don't know. I think she's over thinking it.

 

But whatever the case may be, he was never mean to me. Or maybe I just couldn't see it. But I know that whenever I'd have a problem or was going through a hard time, he'd always be right there holding my hand.

 

I can't tell you how many times he'd run to be by my side when I needed him. Before the affair anyway.

 

After he got married I am almost ashamed to say, I was in such a dark place. I remember his wedding day. I was at the salon getting my hair done and right there in the chair I started bawling. It's funny how, thinking back to that day, I can still remember exactly how I felt. I felt like I had lost everything I'd ever hoped for. And 2 years later when he called me, I felt like maybe I didn't lose after all.

 

It's so so hard having the man you love be married to someone else.

 

Your therapist should be focusing on YOU and your issues rather than him and his issues. Yes she's over thinking it and needs to stop.

[jah526]

But whatever the case may be, he was never mean to me. Or maybe I just couldn't see it. But I know that whenever I'd have a problem or was going through a hard time, he'd always be right there holding my hand.

 

I can't tell you how many times he'd run to be by my side when I needed him. Before the affair anyway.

 

And 2 years later when he called me, I felt like maybe I didn't lose after all.

 

It's so so hard having the man you love be married to someone else.

 

There was a good post recently on chumplady's site called "nice vs. kind". A nice person does all the things you said above. Kindness, I think, comes from having empathy. If Josh were kind, he never would've gotten involved in an affair with you, knowing that the only outcome for you would be a bad one.

 

Maybe this isn't love so much as it is addiction. Love is giving and sometimes involves self-sacrifice. If you love this man, then don't you want what's best for him? Maybe what's best for him is to be with his family.

 

And how do you feel 6 years later?

[BaileyB]

And, if he truly loved you, he wouldn't have pursued a relationship with you knowing that it would be hurtful to you - knowing that you could never be together.

[jennifernyc84]

Hey, all. It's been a while since I've been on here. Sorry for not posting a lot lately. Just been busy with the new job and all.

 

I'm feeling really stressed today. Still anger and hurt, but I'll admit, I do miss him. I know, I know. Crazy for me to miss him, but I do. I can't lie that I don't.

 

Keeping busy and distracting myself has been easy, but we're having a major snow storm today and being cooped up all alone is forcing me to think.

 

Well, I hope everyone is doing better than I am.

 

I guess I'll read some posts updates on my LS friends to catch up a bit.

[sandylee1]

I bet he told his wife you've loved him forever and he never wanted you, only her or he would have chosen you all those years even before he met her.

 

That he saw you like a kid sister, but you were infatuated with him and initially it was all friendly, until......

 

And why would he go through IVF, if he didn't truly love her...

 

In some ways that could sound plausible, if you're a wife desperate to believe it.

[jah526]

Hey, all. It's been a while since I've been on here. Sorry for not posting a lot lately. Just been busy with the new job and all.

 

I'm feeling really stressed today. Still anger and hurt, but I'll admit, I do miss him. I know, I know. Crazy for me to miss him, but I do. I can't lie that I don't.

 

Keeping busy and distracting myself has been easy, but we're having a major snow storm today and being cooped up all alone is forcing me to think.

 

Well, I hope everyone is doing better than I am.

 

I guess I'll read some posts updates on my LS friends to catch up a bit.

 

Hi Jen,

 

Being alone with your thoughts is tough. I don't have enough to keep me busy at work and that is really bad for me. So I'm trying to keep my mind engaged on something productive by taking online classes.

 

TBH, I haven't been able to keep in strict NC. In fact, I contacted him yesterday and we actually had a friendly chat. He asked me to go to the gym but I told him no, and that I'm done with that. He was surprised I said no. I think he knows that I'm trying not to be alone with him, and in fact, I think he has lost interest. Seems like he's working other avenues. And this should make me happy but...

 

Oh it's hard to describe my feelings. I know it was the right thing to do, but I really miss the physical closeness (not really the sex - that wasn't so great as it was mostly focused on HIM - surprise! lol). I miss his body and him wanting me, and TBH, I don't know if I'm ever going to get that again. And that makes me feel crazy, and start questioning why I ended it. But then I have to remember the mean and unfeeling things he said and did to me, that let me know he just saw me as an object for his gratification, and I was being degraded and it was harming my self-esteem.

 

Why is it so easy to forget the painful stuff? Are women just wired that way (e.g, they say you forget the pain of childbirth)?

 

I think it's really great that you have been able to maintain NC and you seem to be doing so well with your career and getting help for yourself. You're healing, I can tell. There will be bumps in the road, but overall I think you are doing great.

[jennifernyc84]

I bet he told his wife you've loved him forever and he never wanted you, only her or he would have chosen you all those years even before he met her.

 

That he saw you like a kid sister, but you were infatuated with him and initially it was all friendly, until......

 

And why would he go through IVF, if he didn't truly love her...

 

In some ways that could sound plausible, if you're a wife desperate to believe it.

 

And all of the above statements written here were/are completely true. I was just so dumb and blinded by my love for him that I couldn't see it. I didn't want to see it.

 

I can't blame her at all for being upset with me. I mean, I slept with her husband for nearly 5 years.

 

I just wish she knew that he was the one doing the chasing. I never chased him once!

 

You want to hear something? I use to feel like I was the one suffering with the aftermath of the disaster, and he was getting away Scott-feee. But as I'm backing away from it all, I'm beginning to understand that that's exactly the opposite of what's happening. I'm free. I'm not the one trapped in a marriage, experiencing God knows what.

 

So I feel a little lonely. Big deal. You realize how small your problems are when you develope compassion for other people's problems. And I'm thankful that I'm growing more and more.

 

I miss him. How could I not? But I'm not willing to extend the amount of pain I've gone through. "Gone through"...past tense. See the difference?

[whichwayisup]

You both chased each other. It really doesn't matter in the whole jist of things, who chased who. For 5 years there was an affair. She's not stupid, just right now she's blaming you. As time goes on she'll see more...

 

You're free and that's what you focus on. Healing, letting go and finding happiness again without him in your life.

[Taxed]

So I feel a little lonely. Big deal. You realize how small your problems are when you develope compassion for other people's problems. And I'm thankful that I'm growing more and more.

 

I miss him. How could I not? But I'm not willing to extend the amount of pain I've gone through. "Gone through"...past tense. See the difference?

 

Past tense - I love it! And it is definetly a very good sign that you are moving forward and gaining perspective. I still miss XMM. I still get crying spells. But it does not consume me like it used to do just 1 month ago, and I think it is important to note these small steps of progress and remember to give yourself a pat on the back.

[jennifernyc84]

It's extremely difficult seeing the person you love being married to someone else. Seeing them raise a family, seeing them go through the good times is hard. Seeing them go through each other's bad times together, and supporting each other is even harder.

 

I stood there, begging at his feet for almost 5 years. I was so desperate for any little crumb he let me have. And those crumbs felt like a 5 course meal, I was so excited to get them. I didn't think I'd recover.

 

I'm doing soooo much better than I was a few months back. I wouldn't go back to feeling like that in one million years. I'm so happy I found my strength. And that strength has a name. The name of Jesus Christ.

 

He can turn any situation around. If I can overcome, anyone can.

 

I encourage anyone struggling in an affair to read my past post. Then re read this one. There is a new beginning. There is hope.

 

I'm 100% free. I could scream from a rooftop. I cringe when I think of my past actions. I was a 30 year old child. I feel like I've matured so much in only a few short months.

 

My advice....KEEP NO CONTACT!!!!!! Let the married people be!!! Leave them alone!!!! The more you keep in touch the harder it will be for everyone!!!! I repeat...STAY AWAY FROM THE MARRIED PEOPLE!!!

[freengreen]

It's extremely difficult seeing the person you love being married to someone else. Seeing them raise a family, seeing them go through the good times is hard. Seeing them go through each other's bad times together, and supporting each other is even harder.

 

I stood there, begging at his feet for almost 5 years. I was so desperate for any little crumb he let me have. And those crumbs felt like a 5 course meal, I was so excited to get them. I didn't think I'd recover.

 

I'm doing soooo much better than I was a few months back. I wouldn't go back to feeling like that in one million years. I'm so happy I found my strength. And that strength has a name. The name of Jesus Christ.

 

He can turn any situation around. If I can overcome, anyone can.

 

I encourage anyone struggling in an affair to read my past post. Then re read this one. There is a new beginning. There is hope.

 

I'm 100% free. I could scream from a rooftop. I cringe when I think of my past actions. I was a 30 year old child. I feel like I've matured so much in only a few short months.

 

My advice....KEEP NO CONTACT!!!!!! Let the married people be!!! Leave them alone!!!! The more you keep in touch the harder it will be for everyone!!!! I repeat...STAY AWAY FROM THE MARRIED PEOPLE!!!

How refreshing .... I am getting the hints of fresh air too..5 whole months of absolute NC.

Takecare

[BTDT2012]

It's extremely difficult seeing the person you love being married to someone else. Seeing them raise a family, seeing them go through the good times is hard. Seeing them go through each other's bad times together, and supporting each other is even harder.

 

I stood there, begging at his feet for almost 5 years. I was so desperate for any little crumb he let me have. And those crumbs felt like a 5 course meal, I was so excited to get them. I didn't think I'd recover.

 

I'm doing soooo much better than I was a few months back. I wouldn't go back to feeling like that in one million years. I'm so happy I found my strength. And that strength has a name. The name of Jesus Christ.

 

He can turn any situation around. If I can overcome, anyone can.

 

I encourage anyone struggling in an affair to read my past post. Then re read this one. There is a new beginning. There is hope.

 

I'm 100% free. I could scream from a rooftop. I cringe when I think of my past actions. I was a 30 year old child. I feel like I've matured so much in only a few short months.

 

My advice....KEEP NO CONTACT!!!!!! Let the married people be!!! Leave them alone!!!! The more you keep in touch the harder it will be for everyone!!!! I repeat...STAY AWAY FROM THE MARRIED PEOPLE!!!

I will be praying for you.

[jah526]

Jen, I'm glad to know you are doing so well, and sticking with the program.

 

I guess I can't really do strict NC since we work together. Makes it harder, I think, and eventually I may have to leave. Nearly every time I've talked to him he's hinted or directly asked about going to my place. I actually think he hates me now because I'm not giving him what he wants.

 

Let him get it somewhere else, the pathetic POS. Sorry if I'm threadjacking. I'm really happy for you.

[FoundMyStrength]

Let him get it somewhere else, the pathetic POS. Sorry if I'm threadjacking. I'm really happy for you.

 

Sorry to t/j the t/j, but I remember reading your story when you first came to the site, jah. It's awesome to hear you call him a pathetic POS. He certainly seemed like one.

[jennifernyc84]

Jen, I'm glad to know you are doing so well, and sticking with the program.

 

I guess I can't really do strict NC since we work together. Makes it harder, I think, and eventually I may have to leave. Nearly every time I've talked to him he's hinted or directly asked about going to my place. I actually think he hates me now because I'm not giving him what he wants.

 

Let him get it somewhere else, the pathetic POS. Sorry if I'm threadjacking. I'm really happy for you.

 

See, that's just it, Jah. You gotta start to not care if he hates you. So what?! Let him hate you. Let him not hate his wife.

 

I'm rooting for you. Oh and one more thing. Don't quit your job for that pathetic POS.

[jah526]

Let him not hate his wife.

 

Oh, he never hated her. He always told me that he loves her (although cheating on her doesn't seem like a very loving action to me). It's just that he needs other women too. I was easily dispensable. He will do it again with someone else.

[jennifernyc84]

So I ran into him last night. It was kind of a surprise. I was aware that his company was involved in the event, but didn't know he'd personally show up.

Let me better explain.

 

Yesterday a friend of mine was having a charity fund raiser. I was making a contribution and she asked me to be there to make a little speech. She told me earlier that day, that Josh's company was also making a large donation, but she didn't know if he was coming or not. He's always getting invited to these kind of things and he rarely ever shows up himself. He usually sends someone for him.

 

So as I went up to the podium, his piercing blue eyes staring at me was the first thing I noticed. I instantly became nervous and shaky. Not sure why, but I began to feel really sick. I made my speech as best as I could and walked off stage.

 

He approached me saying how great I was. I was with some people and didn't want to look unprofessional so I accepted his compliment and walked away. I went to grab a drink at the bar, and he came up behind me. He said hi and placed his hand on the small of my back, which I hate to admit, sent shivers down my spine. He whispered that I looked great and that he missed me. I very politely told him to leave me alone. I broke away and told my friend I had to go. Jumped in a cab and went straight home.

 

I know i was doing good but I've been thinking about him ever since and I feel like I'm back tracking. Old wounds are being re-opened.

 

I'm worried I might do something that I shouldn't. Just need a little support. UGHHH!!!!!

[Chica80]

So I ran into him last night. It was kind of a surprise. I was aware that his company was involved in the event, but didn't know he'd personally show up.

Let me better explain.

 

Yesterday a friend of mine was having a charity fund raiser. I was making a contribution and she asked me to be there to make a little speech. She told me earlier that day, that Josh's company was also making a large donation, but she didn't know if he was coming or not. He's always getting invited to these kind of things and he rarely ever shows up himself. He usually sends someone for him.

 

So as I went up to the podium, his piercing blue eyes staring at me was the first thing I noticed. I instantly became nervous and shaky. Not sure why, but I began to feel really sick. I made my speech as best as I could and walked off stage.

 

He approached me saying how great I was. I was with some people and didn't want to look unprofessional so I accepted his compliment and walked away. I went to grab a drink at the bar, and he came up behind me. He said hi and placed his hand on the small of my back, which I hate to admit, sent shivers down my spine. He whispered that I looked great and that he missed me. I very politely told him to leave me alone. I broke away and told my friend I had to go. Jumped in a cab and went straight home.

 

I know i was doing good but I've been thinking about him ever since and I feel like I'm back tracking. Old wounds are being re-opened.

 

I'm worried I might do something that I shouldn't. Just need a little support. UGHHH!!!!!

 

 

DONT DO ANYTHING......

 

You will back at square one. Less than square one. You did look great! You did do a great speech! He knows how to get to you. And it will do nothing but bring you back to the place where you were.

[jennifernyc84]

DONT DO ANYTHING......

 

You will back at square one. Less than square one. You did look great! You did do a great speech! He knows how to get to you. And it will do nothing but bring you back to the place where you were.

 

Truth is, I wasn't great. As soon as I spotted him my heart started pounding so hard I think you could see it through my chest!

 

Leave it to me to spot him out of a crowd of people. It's like my eyes are magnetized to him

[somanymistakes]

He loves messing with your head, he probably positioned himself to be sure you'd see him, just in the hopes of making you weak.

 

But you did great!

[jah526]

These guys sure don't make it easy for us, do they? Like somanymistakes said, I think they love the game, knowing they can twist you around their little finger - huge ego feed for them. Good for you for getting yourself out of that situation ASAP.

[jennifernyc84]

Thinking of it, it does make sense that he would purposely place himself in my view just to see me tremble. And he got the reaction that he wanted. I was shaking so badly, my voice was cracking. He must've gotten such a kick out of seeing the effect he had on me.

 

I was so embarrassed.

[whichwayisup]

Need to ask, does your friend know of the A between the two of you? Just odd that she brought up the fact that his company would be there too and if knows the two of you were together, then HE knew you were going to be there too which is why he showed up.

 

You handled it right by walking away. You can't control how you felt inside, you're still grieving and detaching. Your head knows the truth, YOU know the truth about him so don't even consider caving and running into his arms and doing something you'll regret instantly. You'd be willing drinking poison.

 

Stay away from him and please try not to slip into fantasy thoughts or remembering how it was. It was all a lie. Remember that.

[savingshards]

You are beautiful and smart and capable and best of all...you are the daughter of the King who loves you so. It would've been dreadful for anyone in that situation...and you handled it with decorum and grace.

 

Take your own advice, and go back and read your first post, and the post of 3/27/17 at 9:53 am. Read your own words...and find the path of Truth. You can do this. You have been set free.