It DOES get easier

[Lauracake]

So what should I do? Should I make some kind of complaint to the building or something?

 

Obviously, I don't want to have to move out, but I can't be in the same building as him.

 

Wow this must be completely screwing with your mind, what a complete douche bag, hope your ok Jen.

[Poppy47]

You are a grown up person.

 

If he moves in and bothers you, you tell him to go to hell. Shut your door, do not open you door to him.

 

It's not that hard.

 

Poppy.

[HeCantBreakMe]

It is tough because if he does move there you know he will not leave you alone, and resisting the addiction to this man will be EXTREMELY difficult- especially with the depth of withdrawals you have been going through.

 

I really hope for your sake he doesn't end up moving there. I more than anything wonder if he just looked at those apts. just hoping to run into you but with no true desire to move there.

 

You COULD contact his wife saying he is stalking you- that may get him off your tail quickly especially since my guess is he is kissing a** trying to get back in good with her.

 

Best thing to do is to lay low and see how it plays out - then decide what to do.

[BTDT2012]

Don't ever, ever let him in your apartment. How much time left on your lease? If he moves in, I would move out as soon as possible.

[whichwayisup]

Start looking for a new place. Regardless if he moves in the same building or not.

What he's done is calculated and he knows exactly what he's doing. The farther you are from him, the better. Don't answer your door!!

 

I would talk to your building manager and let him know that he's your ex (no need to go into details) and ask him if J tries to get a place to refuse him. Tell him you don't feel safe and are 'this close' to getting a restraining order. Landlords don't want hassle and drama so it just might help to make sure J doesn't get in.

[freengreen]

The man thinks he will play you this time around ... the ball is in your court, swing it onto his face and shock him.

[jennifernyc84]

I still have two and a half years on my lease. It's up in 2019. I'm not willing to move out. I don't think he will actually move in. I think he was just hoping for a chance to run into me. Which he timed perfectly. But I haven't heard or seen anything since Saturday.

 

Seeing him threw me off and went straight to my already clouded head. It's been hard to sleep and I've barely eaten. I see the therapist again tomorrow. Hoping for some clarity like Jah said.

 

I've had a couple of meltdowns over the weekend, but I've managed to stand my ground.

 

I feel like I am my own worst enemy. Staying away hurts, but seeing/talking to him hurts. There's no relief.

 

I sound like a broken record, I know. I've repeated the same words over and over but they're still true. I don't miss him or want him any less than I ever did. It hurts just as bad.

 

Nothing helps. I don't know what to do. I'm not happy either way.

[eye of the storm]

Time, Jennifer. Give it time. You can't bake a cake as fast as you want. You must let it bake.

 

Give this time. You will come thru this.

[jah526]

Jen, you bumped into him the other day and you walked away. That takes strength. You should be proud of yourself for that.

 

Keep walking...

[jennifernyc84]

Jen, you bumped into him the other day and you walked away. That takes strength. You should be proud of yourself for that.

 

Keep walking...

 

I like that "keep walking" thing. That's what I'm trying to do. I only numbed into him for less than 10 minutes. I can't imagine working with him and seeing him every effing day!! That takes strength.

 

I mostly come on here when I'm feeling down, and it does help me see the positive in people again. I forgot they were still here. I'm including myself in the negative too. I was beginning to hate who I'd become.

 

Thanks for all the support you guys. It means so much.

[jennifernyc84]

Ok, so..it's time to fess up. I called him. I know I shouldn't have but the curiousity was killing me. I had to know what happened and if he would be getting the place in my apt building.

 

We talked for 20 minutes. We talked about his new position. We talked about his wife. We talked about "us". It felt good getting to talk to him.

 

He said that they're separated. Working on getting a divorce. They've agreed that she'd keep the house in Jersey, with the baby, and he's moving into the city.

 

I don't think he's lying about that. He didn't get into detail on the separation or anything but I asked if it had to do with me and he said yes and no.

 

He said while I did have a lot to do with it, his feelings for her were dissipating regardless.

 

I asked why he turned me away on January 1st and he told me that he did because he didn't want me to be mixed up in this mess any more than I already was. He said he wanted to settle first. Then he was going to court me all over again. That's why he called me a week later saying let's be friends again.

 

It was good. I think, anyway. We didn't make plans to meet up, we just talked to get some clarity.

[Bittersweetie]

Jenn, what's done is done, but I have to disagree with your choice. You, again, just gave him back your power. Now he knows he's still got you under his thumb.

 

NC is not to send a message to him...it is for YOU. So you can gain some perspective, some clarity about your life and your choices. You were curious? I'm sorry, I don't buy it. You needed a fix and you got it. How do you feel now? How will you feel when he calls you in a day, week, month in order to get some?

 

Sorry if I'm being harsh. But after the way this man has treated you...FOR YEARS...it makes me sad that you reached out to him yet again, yet again gave him your power.

 

Good luck.

[eye of the storm]

Jennifer, Im sorry. I really hope my calling my old MM didn't encourage you to do it.

 

You are still full into the I want to be with him mode.

 

Don't be a soft landing for him.

[Sampson]

Ok, so..it's time to fess up. I called him. I know I shouldn't have but the curiousity was killing me. I had to know what happened and if he would be getting the place in my apt building.

 

We talked for 20 minutes. We talked about his new position. We talked about his wife. We talked about "us". It felt good getting to talk to him.

 

He said that they're separated. Working on getting a divorce. They've agreed that she'd keep the house in Jersey, with the baby, and he's moving into the city.

 

I don't think he's lying about that. He didn't get into detail on the separation or anything but I asked if it had to do with me and he said yes and no.

 

He said while I did have a lot to do with it, his feelings for her were dissipating regardless.

 

I asked why he turned me away on January 1st and he told me that he did because he didn't want me to be mixed up in this mess any more than I already was. He said he wanted to settle first. Then he was going to court me all over again. That's why he called me a week later saying let's be friends again.

 

It was good. I think, anyway. We didn't make plans to meet up, we just talked to get some clarity.

 

Everything you wanted to hear? Doesn't this alone sound suspect? Avoided answering difficult "real clarity questions" about leaving/divorcing only working on it through a separation but no details that could be used to impugn his word.

 

He wanted to settle then court you, awesome so divorce filing should be no issue right, what's the hold up? Especially since the big items of house and kid were already agreed upon. Roses!

 

Of course I don't know a thing about the relationship but isn't it great when NC is busted and all is right in the world and everyone is going to be happy. Deep down you have to see the questions here.

 

Let the ego kibbles and drug induced fantasy land flow. You deserve better than to be a side piece, you are worth so much more than that. Demand it of yourself.

 

Ask yourself what is it that deep down inside allows or facilitates this treatment to yourself and others? What empty bucket inside your self worth and esteem is being filled by his words and not sound actions. Why are you addicted to this behavior.

 

Food for thought

[Sampson]

I will add that the ups and downs of emotions you feel are exactly what keep you addicted to the ups and allows for you to behave and/or be treated this way. Only you can break this cycle/rollercoaster by saying enough is enough.

 

Have you tried reading some Rene Brown books? The gifts of imperfections is a good start for identifying some of those empty buckets.

 

Oh to add to my above post, you are not a special snowflake to this man. He is lying to his wife who he took a vow before friends and family what makes your secret relationship different? Nothing he is the one and same person with the same brokenness inside and empty buckets. Only he is choosing to fill those with the ego kibbles and attention you give him of course he will do anything to keep that spigot turned on and available at anytime.

 

You need to figure yourself out, find out what is real, what real relationships mean, why they are important, why do you believe everything and not demand to be treated as a human being. Step back see he is only going to hurt you maybe not now while he has his fantasy but a month, year, decade, whatever it is he will hurt you until you demand better for yourself.

[BTDT2012]

Ok, so..it's time to fess up. I called him. I know I shouldn't have but the curiousity was killing me. I had to know what happened and if he would be getting the place in my apt building.

 

We talked for 20 minutes. We talked about his new position. We talked about his wife. We talked about "us". It felt good getting to talk to him.

 

He said that they're separated. Working on getting a divorce. They've agreed that she'd keep the house in Jersey, with the baby, and he's moving into the city.

 

I don't think he's lying about that. He didn't get into detail on the separation or anything but I asked if it had to do with me and he said yes and no.

 

He said while I did have a lot to do with it, his feelings for her were dissipating regardless.

 

I asked why he turned me away on January 1st and he told me that he did because he didn't want me to be mixed up in this mess any more than I already was. He said he wanted to settle first. Then he was going to court me all over again. That's why he called me a week later saying let's be friends again.

 

It was good. I think, anyway. We didn't make plans to meet up, we just talked to get some clarity.

 

You were doing so well. Lather, rinse, repeat. Don't open yourself up to further hurt. You deserve so much more than being his convenient bed partner. Next her will want to come by (you opened the door) and you will be right back where you started. Tell him to come back when he has a signed divorce decree. Have you even checked the court records to see whether papers have been filed. Today is a good day to restart the NC clock.

[eye of the storm]

Jennifer, can you tell us why you want a man who has shown you thru actions for most of you life that he didn't value you. The guy did everything but leave money on you table after he came over to get you back in line.

 

He didn't leave his wife for you. SHE kicked him out for being a scum bag. He still isn't choosing you. You are just the soft landing he knows he can count on.

 

No matter how badly he treats you, you will continue to only see the romantic fairy tale you have created in you head. You will rewrite every word and action of his to fit the narrative.

 

You deserve better!

 

He may be separating from his W, but many women on these boards thought they were getting the golden goose till the W calmed down and told them they could come home. And the MM dropped the OW so fast her head spun.

 

He is going to move back into your bed till he finds someone he likes better. And he will. Because he has never thought of you as good enough. Why would he now?

 

This isn't a failing on your part. Its a failing on his. You are good enough...just not in his eyes.

 

If you are ok with that. Pick up your spoon and sit at the table.

[jah526]

I think the not good enough part is exactly what keeps us addicted. Trying to prove over and over again that we are. Sorry Jen.

[Poppy47]

Jenn, what's done is done, but I have to disagree with your choice. You, again, just gave him back your power. Now he knows he's still got you under his thumb.

 

NC is not to send a message to him...it is for YOU. So you can gain some perspective, some clarity about your life and your choices. You were curious? I'm sorry, I don't buy it. You needed a fix and you got it. How do you feel now? How will you feel when he calls you in a day, week, month in order to get some?

 

Sorry if I'm being harsh. But after the way this man has treated you...FOR YEARS...it makes me sad that you reached out to him yet again, yet again gave him your power.

 

Good luck.

 

Jen does it over and over again. I am out of her thread. It's a waste of time. She isn't serious about wanting to end this relationship with douche bag. She is still hoping she will get him back.

Poppy

[imsosad]

He dumped you on NewYears because he still thought he could save his marriage. If he really wanted to clean up his act and then court you, he woud have told you so on the spot.

He knows you would have waited.

Pure manipulation.

His wife left him,so now he can give you is time of day.

When he thought he could still have her, he dropped you instantly.

You are being gullible.

You have the truth staring right at you, yet you choose to believe a liar.

I'm with Poppy, I think you're ready to waste another six years on him. It's your life, go right ahead.

[FoundMyStrength]

I'm going to play devil's advocate. Even if this man genuinely cares for you, even if he is not the jerk he's shown himself to be over the past 6 years, you STILL should stay away from him for a VERY LONG time.

 

The end of long-term relationships are messy, roller-coaster events. Divorces stemming from infidelity are even worse. It is VERY likely that he (or his wife) will second-guess the decision and try to reconcile. I've been through the end of two LTR's. It's hard to let go, even if the relationship isn't working. Both times, there were back and forths as we beat the dead horse of our relationship to death before ending it. I've rarely known a couple where this back and forth didn't happen before the final break.

 

Let him stay separated, get divorced, and then spend some time by himself. If you two are still interested in each other after this 1+ year process, then go for it. But forging a relationship in the middle of this sh*tstorm is bound to fail.

[minimariah]

Ok, so..it's time to fess up. I called him.

 

and how do you feel NOW? where are you emotionally now...? what are your plans for the future...?

 

p.s. prepare for the comments...! you know they're coming.

 

They've agreed that she'd keep the house in Jersey, with the baby, and he's moving into the city.

 

OK, so... is this permanent? i mean - she gets the primary custody and the kid stays with her in Jersey and Josh moves to YOUR city...? is this their final agreement...? and is he getting that apartment in your building?

 

I asked why he turned me away on January 1st and he told me that he did because he didn't want me to be mixed up in this mess any more than I already was. He said he wanted to settle first. Then he was going to court me all over again. That's why he called me a week later saying let's be friends again.

 

that's probably a lie --- if THAT was his plan, he wouldn't hand you the entire i-wanna-work-on-my-marriage-and-you-are-my-forbidden-fruit speech. most likely, they had another Dday and the wife decided to call it quits. he was probably relieved and they're probably going to go through the usual anxiety phases of wanting to reconcile... or ONE of them will.

 

but at the end of the day - i don't think THAT truth matters anymore, especially if he's truly a single man... you probably won't think about it in the future.

 

ummm, yeah - remember my 1st, FIRST post on your thread...? on blended families and stepparenting? re-read it. you'll, for sure, go through AT LEAST 60% of what i mentioned there --- every blended family does anyway.

[Hummingbird17]

I don't know, it seems like he is doing what everyone says a married man should do. He should leave the marriage after he knows for sure it's over, and only because he wants out of the marriage. He should let you go while he goes through this process and files for divorce.

 

I'm not saying you should jump full force but I think waiting and seeing what his actions are is not going to hurt. Now if he doesn't file, or acts shady after he has filed be done with it.

 

I wouldn't get my hopes up but I would be watching his actions and not listening to anything he says. Is this his first and only affair or has he done this before?

 

if he has done it before or with multiple people I would be done.

[BTDT2012]

I don't know, it seems like he is doing what everyone says a married man should do. He should leave the marriage after he knows for sure it's over, and only because he wants out of the marriage. He should let you go while he goes through this process and files for divorce.

 

I'm not saying you should jump full force but I think waiting and seeing what his actions are is not going to hurt. Now if he doesn't file, or acts shady after he has filed be done with it.

 

I wouldn't get my hopes up but I would be watching his actions and not listening to anything he says. Is this his first and only affair or has he done this before?

 

if he has done it before or with multiple people I would be done.

 

She should be getting on with her life, not waiting for him. He didn't call her, she called him.

[whichwayisup]

Ok, so..it's time to fess up. I called him. I know I shouldn't have but the curiousity was killing me. I had to know what happened and if he would be getting the place in my apt building.

 

We talked for 20 minutes. We talked about his new position. We talked about his wife. We talked about "us". It felt good getting to talk to him.

 

He said that they're separated. Working on getting a divorce. They've agreed that she'd keep the house in Jersey, with the baby, and he's moving into the city.

 

I don't think he's lying about that. He didn't get into detail on the separation or anything but I asked if it had to do with me and he said yes and no.

 

He said while I did have a lot to do with it, his feelings for her were dissipating regardless.

 

I asked why he turned me away on January 1st and he told me that he did because he didn't want me to be mixed up in this mess any more than I already was. He said he wanted to settle first. Then he was going to court me all over again. That's why he called me a week later saying let's be friends again.

 

It was good. I think, anyway. We didn't make plans to meet up, we just talked to get some clarity.

 

With one call, you're back to square one. You've forgotten how AWFUL and disrespectful he's treated you, the words he said to you. Go back and re read all your threads, each one that you wrote explaining how this so called man, broke your heart and made you cry.

 

His wife found out about the affair (trust me, he did NOT confess) and kicked him out and filed for divorce. He didn't chose you. He's yours (if you want) by default because his wife woke up. Before she found out he ended it with you! Wanted nothing to do with you, after having sex with you. Remember that?

 

If you believe his manipulative words, you get what you get as time goes on. Sorry I had say it and you know I care Jen. I'm scared for you and your precious heart, the damage that this man could still do to you if you go for it.