It DOES get easier

[Onlywhenitrains]

Ok, so..it's time to fess up. I called him. I know I shouldn't have but the curiousity was killing me. I had to know what happened and if he would be getting the place in my apt building.

 

We talked for 20 minutes. We talked about his new position. We talked about his wife. We talked about "us". It felt good getting to talk to him.

 

He said that they're separated. Working on getting a divorce. They've agreed that she'd keep the house in Jersey, with the baby, and he's moving into the city.

 

I don't think he's lying about that. He didn't get into detail on the separation or anything but I asked if it had to do with me and he said yes and no.

 

He said while I did have a lot to do with it, his feelings for her were dissipating regardless.

 

I asked why he turned me away on January 1st and he told me that he did because he didn't want me to be mixed up in this mess any more than I already was. He said he wanted to settle first. Then he was going to court me all over again. That's why he called me a week later saying let's be friends again.

 

It was good. I think, anyway. We didn't make plans to meet up, we just talked to get some clarity.

 

 

Jen - you have to want to walk away from him because you value yourself, your thoughts, feelings and who you are - first and foremost.

 

From what you disclosed here on your thread - it seems that he never treated you right. Of course, romanticizing the length of time you've been together and everything else you've had with him makes you think differently, the opposite actually.

 

The one you care about, cherish and love - you do not hide, right? But, he hid you all along, right?

 

The power is with you. It's your choice if you'll assume it.

[whichwayisup]

I don't know, it seems like he is doing what everyone says a married man should do. He should leave the marriage after he knows for sure it's over, and only because he wants out of the marriage. He should let you go while he goes through this process and files for divorce.

He didn't 'choose' any of this. His wife found out and KICKED him out. He hasn't been fair to either woman. Before his wife found out, he went to Jen and had sex with her, then broke up with her saying he wanted to work things out with his wife. He isn't doing what a MM should do. He's just doing what selfish MM do, run to the OW when their wives kick them out. As sadly Jen has opened her arms to him, letting him know she's there. He now can power over her and do as he pleases. This isn't love.

[BuddyX]

You can't really say "Why is he in my apt building?" then proceed to call him. Thought you were angry with him? Plus this reeks of hypocrisy.

 

Hopefully you don't end up with him. But if you do, just understand everyone will think you're a rebound or worst yet, a home wrecker. People will put the 2 and 2 together.

 

As a guy I can guarantee you, he's begging to get back with his wife. I don't care how much he makes but let's look at the facts. Payments for the following; House. Potential apt in the city. Alimony. Child support.

 

Think with your head.

Edited February 4, 2017 by BuddyX
Grammar

[whichwayisup]

How are you doing today Jen? I hope you've come to your better senses and realized that contacting him yesterday was a mistake. But, just in case not and you two have met up to talk, just keep it at that, talking. DO NOT allow him to manipulate you into bed, that would be a bigger mistake and one you'll regret immediately.

[jennifernyc84]

How are you doing today Jen? I hope you've come to your better senses and realized that contacting him yesterday was a mistake. But, just in case not and you two have met up to talk, just keep it at that, talking. DO NOT allow him to manipulate you into bed, that would be a bigger mistake and one you'll regret immediately.

 

Thanks for checking up.

 

Been doing well. We haven't spoke since that day. I have not tried to get in touch with him and he hasn't, to my knowledge, tried either.

 

You know, we go so far back. I know it's been a rough few years. We've both done wrong. But I think part of what was hurting so much was the fact that it ended so badly. Oh god did it end badly. Talking on a nice normal tone felt good. I've actually felt better since then. And the impulse to see or talk to him again isn't anywhere near as bad as it was before.

 

So, yeah. I'm doing good. Maybe completly no contact isn't right for me. It feels like a prison. Like a restriction. Don't press the red button. I totally feel like I have my power back. And the power to forgive is a gift in itself.

 

Been so thankful to God lately. I have taken great things in my life for granted. Things I have never deserved. His (Gods) love is greater than any love there.

Edited February 6, 2017 by jennifernyc84

[HeCantBreakMe]

Thanks for checking up.

 

Been doing well. We haven't spoke since that day. I have not tried to get in touch with him and he hasn't, to my knowledge, tried either.

 

You know, we go so far back. I know it's been a rough few years. We've both done wrong. But I think part of what was hurting so much was the fact that it ended so badly. Oh god did it end badly. Talking on a nice normal tone felt good. I've actually felt better since then. And the impulse to see or talk to him again isn't anywhere near as bad as it was before.

 

So, yeah. I'm doing good. Maybe completly no contact isn't right for me. It feels like a prison. Like a restriction. Don't press the red button. I totally feel like I have my power back. And the power to forgive is a gift in itself.

Been so thankful to God lately. I have taken great things in my life for granted. Things I have never deserved. His (Gods) love is greater than any love there.

 

This is EXTREMELY dangerous thinking. It is actually bargaining with yourself. You feel better because in some sense you feel as if you have taken back some of the power, you went from thinking he wanted nothing to do with you to thinking 'see he does still have feelings for me'- it is a glimmer of hope that has given you energy. Even if you do not plan on breaking contact by allowing yourself to feel this power you are opening the door up for him to step in. Maybe not the first phone call or the second or the third but eventually he will regain his claim on your heart.

 

No contact isn't a prison for you it is a prison for him. NC sets you free and puts him into a box and locks him up there. If you want to be kept in prison allow him to do the honors- he kept you there for 5 years already.

[jennifernyc84]

I'll admit I called him that one time thinking I'd let him know I'm open to talking to him again but he hasn't called, texted, emailed, nothing.

 

I feel like a total idiot opening up to him like I did. No matter what happens I still feel this exact way. I realize this is an unhealthy obsession and that I am not well. No one person should make anyone feel this desperate.

 

Medication, therapy, nothing helps. Talking to people about just makes me sound like a moron. No one understands. I don't even think I understand.

 

Thinking it was better to just be his other woman. It didn't feel this bad.

[eye of the storm]

Jennifer, that is why we were so sad you called. Because it just resets the clock. It puts you back. Like a junkie that is starting to get clean then shoots up. Feels good for that moment but then you look back and see the damage you once again chose to do to yourself.

 

Therapy and meds don't work instantly. They take time. NC takes time.

 

When I went on anti-depressants it took awhile. First they had to find one that worked with me and that took a long time. Then when I got on the right one it had to build up in my system. Finally, one day I realized I could concentrate. I could focus on all the things the therapist had me working on. That is when the real healing started to take place.

 

But I was so determined to get better that until things started to click I just did whatever she told me to do. It didn't matter. I did it. I knew I wasn't right. So I had to trust her to lead me thru the darkness.

 

Thinking it was better to just be his other woman. It didn't feel this bad.

Yes it did. You would never have come here looking for help if it was good and right.

 

Until I was nearing the end of my A I never googled "other woman". Why would I? I was happy. It wasn't until I started being unhappy that I found LS. I was in an A for over 6 years. But it wasn't till the last year and a half that I became unhappy.

 

Jennifer, you lied to yourself about why you called him. It was because you were in a weak moment. Don't keep lying to yourself that it was a good relationship. I still can't get past him coming over sleeping with you like he did then dumping you. You know he planned that out don't you. He was planning on dumping you the whole time he was in your apartment. It was to punish you for daring to stand up for yourself and demand better.

 

Jennifer, you cannot open yourself up to a good healthy life as long as you hold on to this fantasy. That is all he is. That is where the pain comes from. Trying to turn a fantasy, a dream, a lie into something real.

 

Let go of the story you created when you were a child.

[HeCantBreakMe]

I'll admit I called him that one time thinking I'd let him know I'm open to talking to him again but he hasn't called, texted, emailed, nothing.

 

I feel like a total idiot opening up to him like I did. No matter what happens I still feel this exact way. I realize this is an unhealthy obsession and that I am not well. No one person should make anyone feel this desperate.

 

Medication, therapy, nothing helps. Talking to people about just makes me sound like a moron. No one understands. I don't even think I understand.

 

Thinking it was better to just be his other woman. It didn't feel this bad.

 

No, none of that will help because the help has to come from within. You have to be okay with yourself before you realize your worth. Once you realize your worth and stop seeking external validation the internal validation is all you need and the process of letting go of something unhealthy gets easier and easier.

 

Also, most people who have not been in an affair or fought an addiction will not understand. But those of us on here we do understand - we have been there, lived it or are living it. It isn't easy and the best piece of advice i have received is when you fall you have to dust yourself off, get up, and keep moving. You cannot let a minor set back pull you back.

[deadsoul]

I'll admit I called him that one time thinking I'd let him know I'm open to talking to him again but he hasn't called, texted, emailed, nothing.

 

I feel like a total idiot opening up to him like I did. No matter what happens I still feel this exact way. I realize this is an unhealthy obsession and that I am not well. No one person should make anyone feel this desperate.

 

Medication, therapy, nothing helps. Talking to people about just makes me sound like a moron. No one understands. I don't even think I understand.

 

Thinking it was better to just be his other woman. It didn't feel this bad.

 

I've been following your story and I'm rooting for you. You are going to have setbacks. I'm at the most bottom I can be at right now. But I feel like the only way out is up. It is an obsession. I had to come to terms that was what my affair was. Real love doesn't hurt like this. And do you really believe it was better to be his other woman? Are you not worth more than that?

 

Your pain is so evident in your posts... and while you think he brings you joy, he seems to bring you a lot more pain. It isn't supposed to be like that. A true healthy relationship has ups and down, but it's not obsessive and it's not an addiction.

 

To be honest, I need to learn what healthy relationships are myself. But I know unhealthy ones. Josh is broken. You can't fix him. He can't fix you. Only you can fix you. He can't fill that piece of you that's missing. Only you can do that. Take those steps. There will be steps forward and steps back, but resolve that every day is a new day and you will do what you have to do to get out of this and in a better place.

[Eight]

Emotions will pass if you just let them. They are temporary. Don't let your emotions define who you are and how you behave. They aren't you.

 

A quote I printed out to remind myself...

 

"Love shouldn't make us miserable or doubtful. If it does, then it's not love. It's only a false image of love that is controlled by ego, attachment and neediness."

 

A wonderful book to find that love for yourself, your innate worthiness is Taming Your Outer Child by Susan Anderson. I think you'd find it very helpful. There's an entire section on relationships.

 

Namaste.

[elaine567]

I'll admit I called him that one time thinking I'd let him know I'm open to talking to him again but he hasn't called, texted, emailed, nothing.

That is because you are not "the one", you will never be "the one".

He has never beaten down your door, you were merely the besotted woman who massaged his ego every now and again, whilst he basically got on with his own life.

He doesn't see you as serious relationship material, never has.

 

He will divorce, and he will marry someone else or he may reconcile and stay married, but you are not in the running.

Stay strong, one day you will find a man who does think you are his number one, who will beat down your door and who will want to marry you.

You, in effect, now have closure.

[Onlywhenitrains]

I'll admit I called him that one time thinking I'd let him know I'm open to talking to him again but he hasn't called, texted, emailed, nothing.

 

I feel like a total idiot opening up to him like I did. No matter what happens I still feel this exact way. I realize this is an unhealthy obsession and that I am not well. No one person should make anyone feel this desperate.

 

Medication, therapy, nothing helps. Talking to people about just makes me sound like a moron. No one understands. I don't even think I understand.

 

Thinking it was better to just be his other woman. It didn't feel this bad.

 

A lot of posters around here understand. I know I do.

 

You came here on LS first time in 2012, right? We are living 2017 now. How much have his actions towards you changed since the first time you came here? You were not happy and well then, and you don't seem to be happy and well now. He had all this time to make it right and be with you. If he really wanted.

 

My A was 18+months. Of the top of my head, I can think of a least 6 break-ups when I tried to walk away from it. Didn't work until I asked myself two questions:

 

1. Year from now, do you still want to be in the same relationship/affair with him?

2. Why do you stay?

 

While the answer to #1 was very easy 'No', I struggled with #2 for some time. It finally came to me that if I can't find a reason to stay in the A, then there is no reason to stay. I was just avoiding that truth.

 

It takes time, patience, and loving and valuing yourself the most. I know it probably drives you nuts when many of us say it. But, that's really what it takes.

 

Think of it as an investment in yourself and your life.

[jennifernyc84]

Thanks for all the replies.

 

Still no word from you know who. I'm so confused. He sounded so happy to hear from me. Is he trying to give me a taste of my own medicine by ghosting me like I did to him before?

 

I guess he's angry or upset. I'm seriously trying not to care and not to think about it but it's making me crazy.

 

I need this man out of my system and out of my head. I promise you I'm not a crazy obsessive psycho. I know how I'm sounding and it sounds just as bad to me as it does you. But I can't control it. I'm in full crazy obsessive psycho mode and I cannot stop it.

 

I've called my therapist twice this week and I'm beginning to feel like a nag.

[jah526]

Thanks for all the replies.

 

Still no word from you know who. I'm so confused. He sounded so happy to hear from me. Is he trying to give me a taste of my own medicine by ghosting me like I did to him before?

 

I guess he's angry or upset. I'm seriously trying not to care and not to think about it but it's making me crazy.

 

I need this man out of my system and out of my head. I promise you I'm not a crazy obsessive psycho. I know how I'm sounding and it sounds just as bad to me as it does you. But I can't control it. I'm in full crazy obsessive psycho mode and I cannot stop it.

 

I've called my therapist twice this week and I'm beginning to feel like a nag.

 

Hi Jen,

 

I've been struggling with this too. Yesterday I wasn't feeling well due to lack of sleep and was seriously white-knuckling it trying not to contact him. I wanted anything to make me feel better. Today was much better.

 

Could be that he's really busy, learning a new job and all. I think the hardest part is letting go, when you can feel them slipping away. Yes, it's what we wanted, but it's also always difficult to really let go of someone you care about.

 

FWIW, mine hasn't really made any effort to contact me either. Few little smoke signals. I wish more than anything he'd just apologize. Might make it easier to move on. But I'm not holding my breath.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks for all the replies.

 

Still no word from you know who. I'm so confused. He sounded so happy to hear from me. Is he trying to give me a taste of my own medicine by ghosting me like I did to him before?

 

I guess he's angry or upset. I'm seriously trying not to care and not to think about it but it's making me crazy.

 

I need this man out of my system and out of my head. I promise you I'm not a crazy obsessive psycho. I know how I'm sounding and it sounds just as bad to me as it does you. But I can't control it. I'm in full crazy obsessive psycho mode and I cannot stop it.

 

I've called my therapist twice this week and I'm beginning to feel like a nag.

 

Jen, you've slipped. And he is playing you (again) and you're falling for it. Just stop. Don't try to figure out the 'what is he thinking, why this, why that.." Just focus on letting go.

 

Change your number and don't call him again. Start NC over again and keep on going with counseling, keep posting and keep reading your threads and all the replies. Remember why Josh is poison to you. He is NOT the person you built him up to be in your head.

[Tread Carefully]

Hi Jenn, I've been following your story from the beginning. I truly feel for you and everyone who finds themselves in your position. It hurts like a special kind of hell. I know that feeling of holding onto some glimmer of hope and most often, Hope hurts.

 

It's time for you to find your anger. I heard this song and it made me think of all of the lovely ladies and gentlemen who find themselves hurting from being an Other. Get angry. Feel it through the pain. Come to the point where you can say to them...Who do you think you are??

 

I know it won't be easy, nothing much ever is...but maybe when you're feeling low you can play this song and know that you're not alone and even though you don't actually know us, we are here and we are angry for you. Draw from it.

 

I hope this helps. Take care of you.

[Tread Carefully]

Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri

 

I know I can't take one more step towards you

'Cause all that's waiting is regret

Don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore

You lost the love I loved the most

 

I learned to live, half alive

And now you want me one more time

 

Who do you think you are?

Runnin' 'round leaving scars

Collecting your jar of hearts

And tearing love apart

You're gonna catch a cold

From the ice inside your soul

So don't come back for me

Who do you think you are?

 

I hear you're asking all around

If I am anywhere to be found

But I have grown too strong

To ever fall back in your arms

 

I've learned to live, half alive

And now you want me one more time

It took so long just to feel alright

Remember how to put back the light in my eyes

I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed

'Cause you broke all your promises

And now you're back

You don't get to get me back

 

Who do you think you are?

[jennifernyc84]

I get what everyone is saying. I do. But I just want to say this. I miss him. I genuinely miss him. Not the affair. Him. I miss my best friend Josh that would make himself late for work to have his lunch break with me (before he was married of course). I miss my best friend that would stay on the phone until the sun came up talking about literally nothing. I miss the guy who would drop everything and come over when I said I needed him. He cared about me, I know he did. There was a time when we weren't having sex and he would still go out of his way to be near me.

 

It wasn't always sexual. His feelings for me were real. If anything, I was the one who made it dirty. I ruined what we had. If I hadn't fallen for him this would have never happended.

 

Maybe it was when I started dating the guy when I started college. That's when we started drifting apart. I mean, we'd still talk and see each other when we could but I could tell he was different.

 

I'm nit picking. I just want my friend back. I don't even know or care if anyone will read my rambling. It's mostly for myself anyway. Just need to clear my head

[somanymistakes]

You did not ruin it. It's all a complicated mess. Many, many decisions by both of you over the years have built up to the way things are now.

 

(hugs) if wanted

[cloche]

He cared about me, I know he did.

 

Yes, but not enough.

 

Not enough to warrant you making him so absolutely central to your existence. And not enough to justify the great deal of unhappiness this relationship has caused you.

 

I miss him. I genuinely miss him.

 

Yes, and that's ok.

 

One day, when you are well past all this, in a happier place, and feeling a great deal stronger, you may even be able to look back fondly on some of the more positive aspects of your friendship with him.

 

Today is not that day, though, Jennifer.

 

Because you know now what all of us here who have been following your story from the beginning have seen quite clearly all along: that this relationship has, on balance, been extremely destructive - for you, for him, and all connected with it. But *especially* for you.

 

If anything, I was the one who made it dirty. I ruined what we had. If I hadn't fallen for him this would have never happened.

 

No, that's no true. You were always going to fall in love with him, and that's not your fault.

 

Nor is this line of thinking at all helpful to you. You have but one responsibility now and it is to yourself: to heal yourself, to find out who you really are, and to be that person as fully as you can. All else flows from this.

 

I just want my friend back.

 

No, you do not. Whether he means to be or not, he is toxic to you. You cannot help one another. It will always be so. Be strong now, and walk away.

[eye of the storm]

I get what everyone is saying. I do. But I just want to say this. I miss him. I genuinely miss him. Not the affair. Him. I miss my best friend Josh that would make himself late for work to have his lunch break with me (before he was married of course). I miss my best friend that would stay on the phone until the sun came up talking about literally nothing. I miss the guy who would drop everything and come over when I said I needed him. He cared about me, I know he did. There was a time when we weren't having sex and he would still go out of his way to be near me.

 

It wasn't always sexual. His feelings for me were real. If anything, I was the one who made it dirty. I ruined what we had. If I hadn't fallen for him this would have never happended.

 

Maybe it was when I started dating the guy when I started college. That's when we started drifting apart. I mean, we'd still talk and see each other when we could but I could tell he was different.

 

I'm nit picking. I just want my friend back. I don't even know or care if anyone will read my rambling. It's mostly for myself anyway. Just need to clear my head

 

Jennifer, he may have been your friend back then. But he is NOT your friend now. And he hasn't been for a very long time. And it had NOTHING to do with you dating in college.

 

That is victim speak. "If I had cleaned the house better he wouldn't have hit me"

 

You are romanticizing his past behavior. You are painting his actions with soft water colors. Yes he hung out with you and yes he talked to you on the phone. But he never once chose you. You are the sweatshirt in his closet that he doesn't want people to know he has and will never wear in public.

 

I miss the friendship I had with my MM. He mentored me, coached me, networked for me, and was my biggest cheerleader. I miss that. But that and all the good things I felt when I was with him cannot be separated from the A. It is like mixing milk into your coffee. Once the milk is in, you can't go back.

 

You are currently trying to rewrite history. You are trying to excuse his, and your behavior. You are trying to find any reason, any reason at all no matter how flimsy to go back to your addiction.

 

You say you "get what we are saying" then you immediately follow with a "but". Following any statement with a "but" negates the statement.

 

Take a step back, look at Josh like heroin. He is an addiction. Treat him like one. You can't shoot up a little.

[freengreen]

U cared, u called...

he didnt call.. so.. he dosnt care

 

Jennifer, Jennifer needs you more than Josh.

[freengreen]

 

Take a step back, look at Josh like heroin. He is an addiction. Treat him like one. You can't shoot up a little.

THIS^

 

Addiction and love look and feel the same... only the end differs.

[elaine567]

He is NOT contracting you as he is probably still grieving for his marriage here.

All very well to tell the woman he is sleeping with on the side that his marriage is over and he is going through the motions, but he did choose her, he did marry her, he did have a child with her and he has in fact royally screwed up.

He is not going to come through that unscathed and if he does want to reconcile with his wife, then the last person he will want to contact now is his OW.

 

He may be your best friend but you are not his best friend. Had that been true he would have married you long ago.

YOU need to let this go.