It DOES get easier

[Taxed]

Jennifer, I am quite new here on Loveshack so please forgive me if you feel like I am intruding on your story and thread. I just wanted to chime in as someone who, back in my early 20s, met one man that I thought was my soulmate.

 

We did not just become lovers and friends, it almost felt spiritual in its connection. Eventually, we went in different directions - but we reconnected one time for 1 year of "bliss" and in my mind (not his, mind you) it was a sign that we were meant to be. Never mind that he never called me back when I needed him - I just ascribed it to him being an excentric artist with all his delicate issues of course, and eventually I found out he was seeing someone else all along. So much for mr. Soulmate. Look, if he really wants to see you and be with you he will move mountains to do so - it sounds cliché and I might sound cynical from my latest "adventure" but you are unhappy. You have been so for a long time and there is a real reason for this - stop your concern for him. Take care of you - give YOU all you need. If he is not calling you, giving you what you need then you need to cut your losses. Life is too short, Jennifer.

[jennifernyc84]

Jennifer, I am quite new here on Loveshack so please forgive me if you feel like I am intruding on your story and thread. I just wanted to chime in as someone who, back in my early 20s, met one man that I thought was my soulmate.

 

We did not just become lovers and friends, it almost felt spiritual in its connection. Eventually, we went in different directions - but we reconnected one time for 1 year of "bliss" and in my mind (not his, mind you) it was a sign that we were meant to be. Never mind that he never called me back when I needed him - I just ascribed it to him being an excentric artist with all his delicate issues of course, and eventually I found out he was seeing someone else all along. So much for mr. Soulmate. Look, if he really wants to see you and be with you he will move mountains to do so - it sounds cliché and I might sound cynical from my latest "adventure" but you are unhappy. You have been so for a long time and there is a real reason for this - stop your concern for him. Take care of you - give YOU all you need. If he is not calling you, giving you what you need then you need to cut your losses. Life is too short, Jennifer.

 

No intrusion at all.

 

I know exactly what you're saying is 100% true. And I tell these things to myself all the time. So why is it that I can't seem to let them penetrate? It's like I just toss all common sense out the window.

 

I assure you that if he were to call me right now, I'd move heaven and earth to take that call. Every time the phone rings I'm hoping to see his number.

 

I do not want to feel this way but I do.

[whichwayisup]

I get what everyone is saying. I do. But I just want to say this. I miss him. I genuinely miss him. Not the affair. Him. I miss my best friend Josh that would make himself late for work to have his lunch break with me (before he was married of course). I miss my best friend that would stay on the phone until the sun came up talking about literally nothing. I miss the guy who would drop everything and come over when I said I needed him. He cared about me, I know he did. There was a time when we weren't having sex and he would still go out of his way to be near me.

I get that, really do, and it's sad you two crossed the lines and went from friendship to lovers/affair. He isn't your best friend anymore, the moment it became an affair, everything changed. And, he isn't that person anymore, hence the way he's treated you. True friends do NOT disrespect and use.

 

Jen, you have to let go and make peace with everything. He isn't coming back, not the way you wish, not the way things used to be. It's gone.

 

I don't believe you've truly grieved.. I don't think you want to either. You still have hope. Hope that some day he'll be in your life again or hope that you two will date and some day be married. As long as you have that hope, you're stuck.

 

Stop putting all the blame on yourself, it takes two to have an affair. He did this just as willingly as you did.

[whichwayisup]

No intrusion at all.

 

I know exactly what you're saying is 100% true. And I tell these things to myself all the time. So why is it that I can't seem to let them penetrate? It's like I just toss all common sense out the window.

 

I assure you that if he were to call me right now, I'd move heaven and earth to take that call. Every time the phone rings I'm hoping to see his number.

 

I do not want to feel this way but I do.

 

Because you're listening to your heart and emotions, you're not following your head and the truth of what is right in front of you. Your mind is so used to thinking one way about him and it takes A LOT of effort and concentration to push yourself away from those thought patterns.

 

He once again, now knows your words are empty. You say NC, stay away from him then you call him. He knows he can disappear for weeks or months, all he has to do is call and you'll be there like a little puppy dog waiting for him. He loves the power he has over you! Not maliciously but selfishly. It's all about him and his needs, he couldn't care less about you and your feelings.

[eye of the storm]

I know exactly what you're saying is 100% true. And I tell these things to myself all the time. So why is it that I can't seem to let them penetrate? It's like I just toss all common sense out the window.

 

I assure you that if he were to call me right now, I'd move heaven and earth to take that call. Every time the phone rings I'm hoping to see his number.

 

I do not want to feel this way but I do.

 

Because you refuse to let go of your past. YOU.

 

Jennifer, this is all you. You admit you are dying to tell your grandchildren the epic love story that is you and Josh. Because you are making it a love story. But it isn't.

 

Picture your grand children hearing about how he would come over get randy then go date other girls. Tell them about he seduced you then married someone else. Then while they are looking at you in horror don't forget to tell them about how he kept dating you while getting his WIFE pregnant. Is this the love story you are telling or the one you made up when you were a little girl?

 

Picture never having grand children but instead, listening to Josh tell you about his and his W's grandchildren on his visit to see you. He will never walk away from you. Why would he? He can treat you like crap and you sprinkle glitter on it and put it on a shelf.

 

Jennifer, someone sent me a gif once. It showed a person holding on to a balloon that was trying to lift them up but they refused to let go of a rope tied to a boulder. They were trapped because the refused to let go of the thing that was holding them back.

 

You want Josh so badly you are willing to destroy yourself for him. And you have been for years.

 

Honey, why don't you deserve better? Why doesn't this make you as mad as it makes me?!

 

Stay in therapy. Stay on your meds. Take a vacation, change your number.

 

Treat yourself like you have value.

[Taxed]

No intrusion at all.

 

I know exactly what you're saying is 100% true. And I tell these things to myself all the time. So why is it that I can't seem to let them penetrate? It's like I just toss all common sense out the window.

 

I assure you that if he were to call me right now, I'd move heaven and earth to take that call. Every time the phone rings I'm hoping to see his number.

 

I do not want to feel this way but I do.

 

I totally get that - I get it sooo much you would not even believe it, oh dear me. But you have to divide reality, what is happening in the present, from what you hope and want based on the past (not the present, thus, not reality anymore). The past is not the present - the present is pain because of this selfish manchild (sorry) who keeps you lingering, ugh! You get to decide your own future, do not hand him that power because of what "used to be" between you and him.

[jennifernyc84]

It does make me mad. It makes me so angry I could cry. It never stops making me mad.

 

I want this to end but the truth is I still want to be with him. I don't know why but I still love him. I still think he's the only one for me. I know everyone thinks I'm romanticizing the whole situation but it's how I feel.

 

I know the right thing to do and the right way to feel. I keep choosing to do the wrong thing. I said before I am a very emotional person and my feelings keep getting the best of me. He knows that. He knows that! He's used that against me for years.

[Taxed]

It does make me mad. It makes me so angry I could cry. It never stops making me mad.

 

I want this to end but the truth is I still want to be with him. I don't know why but I still love him. I still think he's the only one for me. I know everyone thinks I'm romanticizing the whole situation but it's how I feel.

 

I know the right thing to do and the right way to feel. I keep choosing to do the wrong thing. I said before I am a very emotional person and my feelings keep getting the best of me. He knows that. He knows that! He's used that against me for years.

 

I completely understand - it is like you are stuck in a vicious loop but I bet, that one day you will tire of this, it will come all natural. You can stop the loop now - you really can. Reflect on "love" - what is love to you, why do you feel that he is the only one for you. Think about this - you are wasting precious time and this is coming from someone who just broke it of with another "soulmate" after 6 years. Do not be like me.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Jenn, I believe that a part of you wants to change but for the most part you really don't want to change because you still want to cling to hope.

 

My question is then why are you on this board? Do you think there is something we can say that wasn't said when you were on here back in 2012 that may help you to move forward, or are you just here to bide your time and keep some sanity until he calls you again and it starts over.

 

I am not judging, the last person to judge is me, I am simply asking you some questions because it may be time for you to be honest with yourself.

 

If you want to be with him then go be with him but you will never have more than what he gives you and if you can be happy with that then start being honest with yourself and go. We, on this board, want more for you but if you don't want more for yourself then there is nothing we can say to help.

[jennifernyc84]

Jenn, I believe that a part of you wants to change but for the most part you really don't want to change because you still want to cling to hope.

 

My question is then why are you on this board? Do you think there is something we can say that wasn't said when you were on here back in 2012 that may help you to move forward, or are you just here to bide your time and keep some sanity until he calls you again and it starts over.

 

I am not judging, the last person to judge is me, I am simply asking you some questions because it may be time for you to be honest with yourself.

 

If you want to be with him then go be with him but you will never have more than what he gives you and if you can be happy with that then start being honest with yourself and go. We, on this board, want more for you but if you don't want more for yourself then there is nothing we can say to help.

 

You know, that's a great point! I guess the reason I'm here in the first place was to get some outside unbiased opinions. But secondly, I do want more for myself and I know he cannot provide me with that. I came here to get some sense talked into me because I was tired of questioning every single little thing. I know going back to him wouldn't change anything. I do not enjoy being his side piece or mistress. I want to be married and have kids.

 

It seems so far away. I don't even remember how to date or meet new guys. Even if I did meet a guy, it would take months, years maybe, to get where I want to be. But just sitting, waiting, hoping, for Josh to choose me isn't getting me anywhere.

 

Feel like I'm stuck. I'm not happy with or without him.

[HeCantBreakMe]

You know, that's a great point! I guess the reason I'm here in the first place was to get some outside unbiased opinions. But secondly, I do want more for myself and I know he cannot provide me with that. I came here to get some sense talked into me because I was tired of questioning every single little thing. I know going back to him wouldn't change anything. I do not enjoy being his side piece or mistress. I want to be married and have kids.

 

It seems so far away. I don't even remember how to date or meet new guys. Even if I did meet a guy, it would take months, years maybe, to get where I want to be. But just sitting, waiting, hoping, for Josh to choose me isn't getting me anywhere.

 

Feel like I'm stuck. I'm not happy with or without him.

 

You feel stuck because you are stuck.

 

You have given him 5 years of your life can you give yourself just 1 year?

 

I would recommend you spend this next year focused on you and only you. If it has to do with men then say no way. Do things that make you happy, travel, read books, go to counseling, start volunteering, hang out with friends. Shove all thoughts of men out of your life and give yourself this entire year - just for you.

 

If Josh calls tell him what you are doing. You have waited 5 years for him because you love him, if he loves you even half that much he can wait 1 year for you. If not then at the end of that year at least you will have some internal fortitude to do right for yourself.

[jennifernyc84]

I will make this right. I will be strong. I will clean up my name. I am not a mistress. I don't want anyone's sloppy seconds. I want a man to put me first. I don't want to have to lie and hide our relationship. That is not what love should be. Even if I love him, even if it hurts, no matter if it kills me. I will let him go.

 

I don't know what else to do. I've blocked him only to unblock him again. I keep setting boundaries me I keep breaking them myself.

 

But I will try again. I wil not stop trying. There's gotta be a point when it will work. I'm still me and I'm doing great in my life. He had absolutely no part of that. I'll keep doing what I'm doing.

 

I can do this. A slip up is not a deal breaker. It's not one and done. I can't keep feeling that once I fail there's no repairing it. I can always start over.

 

Going to reblock and start over right now.

 

Not to sound whiny. I come on here to vent sometimes.

[Birdies]

You're not whiny - this shlt is hard, partly because there is NO support system. Did you read the study that MidnightBlue posted today in her thread? Really interesting.

 

You're moving in the right direction and taking back control of your life. Little slip ups are ok as long as you keep going in the right direction. "When you're going through hell - keep going."

[eye of the storm]

Jennifer, my X husband was a 3 pack a day smoker when he quit. He tried quitting for about 3 years. He always ended up smoking again.

 

Then one day he decided he was done. He didn't quit for me like all the other times he didn't quit first family like all the other times he quit because he was tired of being a smoker. He was tired of coughing constantly he was tired of having to leave restaurants he was tired of stopping two or three times today to buy a pack of cigarettes.

 

That was about 19 years ago. he has said that once in awhile he wants a cigarette. But he just waits for a couple of minutes and it passes. Then he's glad that he waited.

 

Quitting is hard. But you are strong. We know you can do it.

 

Most of us have fallen off the wagon, I know I have more than once. But the important thing is to forgive yourself remember why you got on the wagon and climb back up.

 

When you feel a moment of weakness just give yourself some time

[jah526]

I don't know what else to do. I've blocked him only to unblock him again. I keep setting boundaries me I keep breaking them myself.

 

I am doing this too. At least this time I was able to wait a bit longer before unblocking. Sometimes I find distraction actually helps, keeping busy and forcing yourself to focus on something else. I know it's rough and I'm sorry you're in pain. I'm on this painful journey with you.

[Bittersweetie]

Jenn-the time after my A ended and my d-day were the hardest time I'd ever experienced. And it was all of my own making. At one point I decided that I never again wanted to be the kind of person who did what I did, who hurt people like I did. So I worked on myself. Every time I thought I was done I dug deeper. And deeper...because my choices were SO unhealthy, SO hurtful to others and myself, I wanted to make sure I never made them again.

 

It was the hardest thing I've ever done. I had to relearn coping techniques, learn how to reframe things, break addictions. I peeled that onion back a thousand times. It was really f-ing hard. And all the while I was working with my H to attempt to make him feel safe and okay again. I was trying to help him heal too.

 

The work was not easy. It's not easy to look in the mirror and admit the things one has done. It's not easy to change. But it is so worth it. I am so much healthier and happier than I used to be. I'm not perfect but I handle things so much better. I am so thankful for everything in my life. I have a son now and him and his father are amazing. My son had a lot of issues after he was born and I believe if I hadn't done the hard work prior, I would definitely not have handled things as well as I did.

 

You are young and have so much potential. That may be why we all are rooting for you. You seem to be smart and funny and kind but you have this huge blind spot that is holding you back. Trust me, if you do the hard work you won't regret it. But it's hard, and it's not overnight. And it sucks big time. But please stick with it. I don't think you'll regret the work. GL.

[deadsoul]

Jenn-the time after my A ended and my d-day were the hardest time I'd ever experienced. And it was all of my own making. At one point I decided that I never again wanted to be the kind of person who did what I did, who hurt people like I did. So I worked on myself. Every time I thought I was done I dug deeper. And deeper...because my choices were SO unhealthy, SO hurtful to others and myself, I wanted to make sure I never made them again.

 

It was the hardest thing I've ever done. I had to relearn coping techniques, learn how to reframe things, break addictions. I peeled that onion back a thousand times. It was really f-ing hard. And all the while I was working with my H to attempt to make him feel safe and okay again. I was trying to help him heal too.

 

The work was not easy. It's not easy to look in the mirror and admit the things one has done. It's not easy to change. But it is so worth it. I am so much healthier and happier than I used to be. I'm not perfect but I handle things so much better. I am so thankful for everything in my life. I have a son now and him and his father are amazing. My son had a lot of issues after he was born and I believe if I hadn't done the hard work prior, I would definitely not have handled things as well as I did.

 

You are young and have so much potential. That may be why we all are rooting for you. You seem to be smart and funny and kind but you have this huge blind spot that is holding you back. Trust me, if you do the hard work you won't regret it. But it's hard, and it's not overnight. And it sucks big time. But please stick with it. I don't think you'll regret the work. GL.

 

I hope I will be in a place to say something like this someday...

[BTDT2012]

You know, that's a great point! I guess the reason I'm here in the first place was to get some outside unbiased opinions. But secondly, I do want more for myself and I know he cannot provide me with that. I came here to get some sense talked into me because I was tired of questioning every single little thing. I know going back to him wouldn't change anything. I do not enjoy being his side piece or mistress. I want to be married and have kids.

 

It seems so far away. I don't even remember how to date or meet new guys. Even if I did meet a guy, it would take months, years maybe, to get where I want to be. But just sitting, waiting, hoping, for Josh to choose me isn't getting me anywhere.

 

Feel like I'm stuck. I'm not happy with or without him.

 

 

Look at the part that I bolded. It's not that he cannot. Its that he WILL NOT. He doesn't want to give you what you want. Please, please learn to love yourself.

[sandylee1]

Hi Jenn,

 

I've just caught up with your thread. I see you had a slip up.

 

I know you love him, but do you really see yourself being able to have a relationship where you're equals?

 

There just seems to be much more love /obsession on your side.

There's far too much adoration, which will always make you lower than him in a relationship and as a result, you'd end up taking crap from him.

 

I don't buy what he said about wanting you not to be involved in it either. He knows you've always liked and loved him and that he could have told you that, if it was truly the case.

 

Then remember that he was deeply in an affair with you, when he was going through IVF with his wife, to bring a much loved child into their family.

 

He's got so much going on in that before the dust settles, with divorce and time to cool off, time will be ticking along for you.

 

And if I remember correctly there have already been 2 ddays. Is that right? Does she know it's you?

 

That dream of telling your grandchildren... Would it include you being the OW, while their grandad had a wife and child?

 

There's just so much intertwined for this to really work out.. Like your brother being his friend, your moms being friends... It's just too messy to build your future on.

 

Hang in there girl.

[HeCantBreakMe]

I agree with Sandy. I just do not see a happy ending at the end of this rainbow Jen.

[jennifernyc84]

Oh I totally agree, Sandy. Our lives are so intertwined it would be such a mess to clean up. It already is. And yes, she knows it was me. She confronted me once. The second time she didn't.

 

And I've thought about that too. We've done disgusting things to be with each other. And the thought of telling our would be children about that isn't as pleasant as I'd like it to be.

 

All of this I already know. It doesn't make it any easier to let go.

 

I love him so much it hurts.

[jennifernyc84]

Want to hear (read) something funny? I actually forgot that today is Valentine's Day until I got home and checked the mail and saw that I had gotten 2 dozen white roses and a box of chocolate covered strawberries. I don't have to tell you who from. There aren't many other guys sending me roses and candy.

 

Anyway...the card says to the best friend a guy can ever have.

 

What is that supposed to mean? Friend? Yes he's my friend. Or was anyway..whatever. But I don't feel like he could call me that right now.

 

He didn't even say anything else. Just that message.

[elaine567]

Want to hear (read) something funny? I actually forgot that today is Valentine's Day until I got home and checked the mail and saw that I had gotten 2 dozen white roses and a box of chocolate covered strawberries. I don't have to tell you who from. There aren't many other guys sending me roses and candy.

 

Anyway...the card says to the best friend a guy can ever have.

 

What is that supposed to mean? Friend? Yes he's my friend. Or was anyway..whatever. But I don't feel like he could call me that right now.

 

He didn't even say anything else. Just that message.

 

It doesn't shout out "love" does it?

YOU want and need real love from him, he just doesn't feel that way about you.

If he had ever felt that way, you would be married to him by now.

[jennifernyc84]

Why would he even send anything at all? If he just wants to be friends. I have lots of friends. I did not send or get them anything for Valentine's Day.

 

Can you understand how this confuses me? He sends me this junk and says I'm a great friend. It's totally contrdictive.

 

I don't know how to feel. If he thought these gifts would make me happy he thought wrong.

[Birdies]

Why would he even send anything at all? If he just wants to be friends. I have lots of friends. I did not send or get them anything for Valentine's Day.

 

Can you understand how this confuses me? He sends me this junk and says I'm a great friend. It's totally contrdictive.

 

I don't know how to feel. If he thought these gifts would make me happy he thought wrong.

 

UGH that's obnoxious of him. Either he feels guilty and is trying to make you (and by association, him) feel better about the situation, or he's trying to keep you hooked enough that you don't go off and forget him, or some of both.

 

Doesn't much matter, though. YOU know that this guy is bad news for your mental and emotional health, so who cares what he thinks. YOU are cutting him off for YOU. I'd eat the strawberries, take the flowers to an assisted living home or hospital, and forget about them both. Onward and upward!