It DOES get easier

[whichwayisup]

Just read your other post.

 

Good for you that you let it rip and told him off. Stick to your words, hold yourself accountable. Because to him your words and promises mean nothing due to your past behavior of ending it, going NC then unblocking him and calling him, allowing him into your bed time and time again. HE WILL in a few weeks or a month possibly even days from now, reach out and try to manipulate you back into being 'friends' and continuing on as things are. I really hope you have the strength this time to finally let go and mean it. Push yourself hard and most of all do the counseling. If the therapist you have now isn't working for you, find another one who will truly give you the help you really need.

 

Time to find "Jen" and be the woman you're meant to be WITHOUT Josh in your life.

 

Be done and turn a new page over, fresh and clean slate, again NO JOSH.

[jennifernyc84]

Are you done with him yet? This is yet another HUGE realty check here. He had plenty of chances to be with you, end his marriage, file for divorce and he hasn't. He loves his wife and has built a life with her. He was never yours to begin with yet your brain and heart has made it seem like he has been yours.

 

There's nothing wrong with you Jen. It's just that you two aren't meant to be husband and wife. Honestly the sooner you can accept that and really let go of him, grieve the loss the better you'll be. If you continue to wish/hope and wait the more time wasted you'll be doing. He's living his life, you're not.

 

Please, for your own sanity, accept that he isn't moving the earth to be with you, really let it sink in and stop allowing his table scraps to mean something. Those scraps are his ego feed....

 

I thought you said his wife knew about your affair with him? You say now she's clueless now about it?

 

I said my sister in law was clueless. My brothers wife. She is friends with Joshs wife. My brother and Josh are friends so I guess their wives are friends too.

 

But yeah.. my sister in law isn't aware. Only my sister and mom know. And Josh and his wife. She (Joshs wife) surprisingly didn't expose the affair like she said she would. I guess she knew she'd take him back and didn't want to end up with egg on her face.

[elaine567]

I guess all you did with this email is.

"Remember me, here I am, I'm over here... I heard you are back with your wife and I am mad... and very jealous - I need some attention too...

 

And with a bit of luck his wife will also see it, as no doubt she is now monitoring his emails as BSs tend to do... hence ruining his reconciliation...

[jah526]

I guess all you did with this email is.

"Remember me, here I am, I'm over here... I heard you are back with your wife and I am mad... and very jealous - I need some attention too...

 

And with a bit of luck his wife will also see it, as no doubt she is now monitoring his emails as BSs tend to do... hence ruining his reconciliation...

 

TBH, I thought this too. And yeah, I'm one to talk, since I broke NC too. But lesson learned - he's still the same ****head, and I don't want to be around him anymore. I'm not contacting him now, not because I hate him (I don't, though maybe I should), but because I just don't care anymore. He's never cared about me and now I feel the same about him.

 

Jen, I think the goal is to get to meh, so that you're not flip-flopping between love and hate, happiness and anger. You just don't give a **** anymore.

[Life lessons]

[ previous thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/605698-will-i-ever-his-1-a ]

 

Today is the 24th day of not speaking to him physically. He emailed me once a few weeks ago, and I replied only to tell him to leave me alone.

 

Currently having a hard time keeping NC. I'm missing him so much right now that's it's starting to outweigh the anger that I felt towards him.

 

I'm trying to keep in mind how angry and hurt I am, but my feelings of missing him and withdrawal are ranking higher and higher.

 

I don't want to go back to the A, and honestly, he's been such a sh*tty human being lately, not even sure I'd want to be with him if he was single. Which he may be soon, as his wife is currently at her moms for the passed almost 3 weeks. Not sure if the details but whatever. It's their business.

 

Anywho....this week and last have been so emotional for me. Extreme highs and extreme lows. I know it's part of the healing process but this feels like anything but healing.

 

I don't feel any better at all. I feel worse than ever before.

 

Sorry for ranting. I just feel so lost and alone in this. Everyone is telling me to just forget about him. Really? Is it that simple? Because I don't think that's possible. Is it? Why do people undermine how I feel about him? am I the only one in the universe to feel this way about a guy who didn't feel the same? Why do people insist on making me feel like a freak of nature or some type of crazy person.

 

It's hard, staying away from him. Please don't judge and say "oh you're not trying", when I am. I know you guys have been where I am now. I just want someone who understands how hard this is and not to put me down and make me feel worse by rubbing my nose in the mess I've made.

 

I have feelings. I don't enjoy messing up. It happens. I'm trying to be stronger. I'm only human. I like to think of myself as a good, kind person. I'm not mean, vindictive, manipulating or conniving. I'm not selfish either.

 

He hurt me. Badly.

 

I can vouch that it's not easily done!!! I wasn't/am not even in love with the SM and couldn't do it. I went 2days and I don't think that counts cause we text good night both those days. I can only imagine how difficult it is for someone that is in love with the other person. Keep your head up! I'm sending positive vibes your way!!

[BuddyX]

So are you Done Done? Or are you checking your email account for a response?

[whichwayisup]

I said my sister in law was clueless. My brothers wife. She is friends with Joshs wife. My brother and Josh are friends so I guess their wives are friends too.

 

But yeah.. my sister in law isn't aware. Only my sister and mom know. And Josh and his wife. She (Joshs wife) surprisingly didn't expose the affair like she said she would. I guess she knew she'd take him back and didn't want to end up with egg on her face.

 

Not only time to stop focusing on J, but also his wife. Have compassion for her instead of resentment/hate. Not sure if you're aware but the way you word stuff about her really makes it seem like you hate her. she's innocent in all this and remember, even though she knows of your A with her husband there's a pretty good chance he's told her tons of lies about you, and made it seem like you're a stalker and the one chasing and pursing him.

 

bolded..oops, my mistake! Sorry about that.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I realize the popular view is just for you to move on and live your life but I have to tell you, there was a massive sense of satisfaction on my part when his wife found out that she had been lied to and made a fool of for a year and a half.

 

While there is nothing for you to be gained personally by telling his wife the truth, as a wife myself, it bothers me that she is going to get back together with Josh not knowing all this. The manipulation really bothers me as I lived it on the same side you are on and that feeling that he got away with it, it lived with me all year. I have to say that if she contacts you, you need to tell her everything.

[jennifernyc84]

So are you Done Done? Or are you checking your email account for a response?

 

I hate sounding like a broken record. I know I've said this before but I am done! I don't care if he emails me back. I don't care if his wife sees the damn thing. I am done.

 

I'm more angry than anything else. Ok, maybe I am a little hurt and still jealous. But I can't erase those feelings. But I keep fueling my anger when I start to feel the sadness coming on.

[jennifernyc84]

I realize the popular view is just for you to move on and live your life but I have to tell you, there was a massive sense of satisfaction on my part when his wife found out that she had been lied to and made a fool of for a year and a half.

 

While there is nothing for you to be gained personally by telling his wife the truth, as a wife myself, it bothers me that she is going to get back together with Josh not knowing all this. The manipulation really bothers me as I lived it on the same side you are on and that feeling that he got away with it, it lived with me all year. I have to say that if she contacts you, you need to tell her everything.

 

I will!! I won't put myself to call her but if she calls me, I will tell her all. I've done it before.

 

And I don't hate her. There's no reason to hate her although I can totally understand her hating me. But I am/was so so so jealous of her. I know it doesn't sound like she's won, being with the Dbag, but it's all I've ever wanted. She has all I've ever wanted. The whole package. Kids, nice house, good job, being married to the man I love, not to mention he's this big time boss now. I'm sorry I'm getting carried away again. I'll stop now.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I will!! I won't put myself to call her but if she calls me, I will tell her all. I've done it before.

 

And I don't hate her. There's no reason to hate her although I can totally understand her hating me. But I am/was so so so jealous of her. I know it doesn't sound like she's won, being with the Dbag, but it's all I've ever wanted. She has all I've ever wanted. The whole package. Kids, nice house, good job, being married to the man I love, not to mention he's this big time boss now. I'm sorry I'm getting carried away again. I'll stop now.

 

You know she really does not have the whole package of course.

 

There are a lot of men out there. However, I'll be straight with you. A change of scenery might do you well. I moved to a different state two hours away from NYC. The men are much better and more available than NYC men in their 30s. You might take this opportunity to make a life change. You said your profession and its actually easier to do outside of NYC. You could have everything you want, for the most part. You just have to want to change.

[whichwayisup]

I will!! I won't put myself to call her but if she calls me, I will tell her all. I've done it before.

 

And I don't hate her. There's no reason to hate her although I can totally understand her hating me. But I am/was so so so jealous of her. I know it doesn't sound like she's won, being with the Dbag, but it's all I've ever wanted. She has all I've ever wanted. The whole package. Kids, nice house, good job, being married to the man I love, not to mention he's this big time boss now. I'm sorry I'm getting carried away again. I'll stop now.

 

And this is why you're far from over him and the affair no matter how angry you are. You may not see this right now because of your anger but when the dust settles and you don't hear from him for a few weeks or a month, you'll get weakened and if there's more contact who knows..... I hope I'm wrong and you do the opposite though. You know yourself and if you're being honest with yourself, really honest and then there's hope that you can stay in NC mode and begin your healing process.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I updated my thread but I forgot one thing and I want you to think about it really seriously. When I saw my therapist, she said that most people she sees circle the drain and can't get out from their own self destructive patterns, choices and tendencies - but she thought there was hope for me, that I could change.

 

Don't circle the drain. Be different. Don't waste your life.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Jenn, I worry you aren't done. Done is changing phone numbers, done is blocking his email, done is the next time he sends you flowers send them to his wife. Done is seeing him as the plague and taking action to keep away from it.

 

What are your action steps?

[BTDT2012]

I think you sent that email hoping that his wife would see it. Please let this be your last contact.

[whichwayisup]

was on the phone with my sister in law (brothers wife) and she told me that her and my brother had dinner plans for tonight in the city with Josh and his wife. She's clueless about the affair so she was just making conversation.

 

Okay think of this. If his wife 100% knew about you and the affair and all the details don't you think she would NOT want to go to dinner with YOUR brother and his wife? How will your brother react if he finds out about your affair with J, his so called friend? Anyway I find it odd that she is still doing dinner with your brother (I assume she knows he's your brother??) and his wife.

[imsosad]

Sorrt, but this email reads to me like an attention seeking temper tantrum.

Screaming 'I hate you, you're the worst ever' is normal when you're 15,not 30 something.

This is whayt I mean by childish. You get all upset and angry and tell him.off and I'm so do.ewith him! and the next day you're pinning for him again. You're not done. If you were done, you wouldn't have sent this melodramatic mail. All it does is show him he's got nothing to worry about with you, you're still 100% caught up with him.

I vet you're angry with him, but quite honestly, it's not his fault you chose to be his doormat for years and years. He took advantage of it for sure, but he couldn't force you. You were happy and willing. You knew he was married, you saw him go back to his W after Dday. If you didn't draw the obvious conclusions after that it's on you.

Basically, you broke NC, probably with hope of messing up their R.

[sandylee1]

Jenn

 

Do you think the whole package is a lying cheating husband? Is that what you want? To be a betrayed wife? I could never be jealous of a woman who had that.

 

How can you be jealous of a woman, whose husband has cheated on her for 4 years and during IVF.

 

imsosad is right that you come across as immature when you're angry. "I hate you" multiple times is a pre teen reaction.

 

You need to get a grip and stop acting like he's God on earth.

 

Stop wasting your life, while his flourishes and your chasing your tail.

 

The best revenge is living a good life and getting what you want.Stop giving him such power over you, when he doesn't give a damn about you.

 

If he cared one or had an.ounce of respect for you, he'd never have gone there.

 

Not only doesn't he respect you, but he doesn't respect your brother either. My brothers would deal with any such friend who did that to my sisters or I.

 

He's failed as a husband, friend and he's a useless dad as well.

 

No good father does that to the mother of their child, risking the stability they have.

[elaine567]

And I don't hate her... She has all I've ever wanted. The whole package. Kids, nice house, good job, being married to the man I love, not to mention he's this big time boss now.

 

The truth is from the usual male perspective, there are women you have fun with and women you marry.

 

By sneaking around behind his wife's back for years for little more than sex, you have shown him you are not someone he would marry.

You are just the "fun" girl, the "extra".

You are the one that helps him cheat on his wife, the one that lies so easily to everyone to keep this affair secret, the one who therefore cannot be trusted.

He is probably not particularly proud of his relationship with you, it is his dirty secret, so by association you are tarnished goods and always will be to him.

He asks himself. What kind of a woman would sleep with a guy behind his pregnant wife's back? A good one?

 

Why would he marry you?

He already has a woman who is honest, who is not lying to her family and friends, who is upright and true. He is proud to be with her, she is the good to his bad. He will need that balance, that is why he keeps going back to her. She is a highly acceptable person, she has done no wrong.

He can trust what she says, she is not a liar and a cheat.

She is therefore the obvious choice for his wife and the mother of his kids.

 

The irony here is that had you never accepted the OW role, you may indeed have been the girl he married...

The sister of his best friend - perfect.

[Grey Cloud]

And this is why you're far from over him and the affair no matter how angry you are. You may not see this right now because of your anger but when the dust settles and you don't hear from him for a few weeks or a month, you'll get weakened and if there's more contact who knows..... I hope I'm wrong and you do the opposite though. You know yourself and if you're being honest with yourself, really honest and then there's hope that you can stay in NC mode and begin your healing process.

 

I tend to agree with this. When xMM and I ended a year ago I also sent him an angry email, lashed out and called him out on a few things. I said for him to never contact me again. For the first few weeks I felt strong and empowered. And then the anger subsides and the silence is deafening. You start doubting yourself and the things you said. I ended up reaching out to him to apologise. At first he didn't respond and eventually he did and he was still majorly pissed at me. Which ended with me totally back pedalling saying please don't hate me, I'm sorry etc etc. Which started the communication back between us.....

 

Please be aware that when the anger wears off and there is nothing but silence is when you will have to remain strong.

[freengreen]

Jen,

 

I can see you are trying it hard ... continue doing it, it will be over soon.

 

However, for men ( and women too).. the contact is like a switch, either a yes or no. I have to agree that your mail, although hatred, could easilybe taken as an attempt for attention (albeit that was never your intention). A negitive contact still counts as a contact. Send no more, wait for no more.

 

You said you are done once in for all, sounds postive

Edited February 20, 2017 by freengreen

[jennifernyc84]

The truth is from the usual male perspective, there are women you have fun with and women you marry.

 

By sneaking around behind his wife's back for years for little more than sex, you have shown him you are not someone he would marry.

You are just the "fun" girl, the "extra".

You are the one that helps him cheat on his wife, the one that lies so easily to everyone to keep this affair secret, the one who therefore cannot be trusted.

He is probably not particularly proud of his relationship with you, it is his dirty secret, so by association you are tarnished goods and always will be to him.

He asks himself. What kind of a woman would sleep with a guy behind his pregnant wife's back? A good one?

 

Why would he marry you?

He already has a woman who is honest, who is not lying to her family and friends, who is upright and true. He is proud to be with her, she is the good to his bad. He will need that balance, that is why he keeps going back to her. She is a highly acceptable person, she has done no wrong.

He can trust what she says, she is not a liar and a cheat.

She is therefore the obvious choice for his wife and the mother of his kids.

 

The irony here is that had you never accepted the OW role, you may indeed have been the girl he married...

The sister of his best friend - perfect.

 

Thank you... this made me feel like I'm worth about 10 cents..

[BuddyX]

I tend to agree with this. When xMM and I ended a year ago I also sent him an angry email, lashed out and called him out on a few things. I said for him to never contact me again. For the first few weeks I felt strong and empowered. And then the anger subsides and the silence is deafening. You start doubting yourself and the things you said. I ended up reaching out to him to apologise. At first he didn't respond and eventually he did and he was still majorly pissed at me. Which ended with me totally back pedalling saying please don't hate me, I'm sorry etc etc. Which started the communication back between us.....

 

Please be aware that when the anger wears off and there is nothing but silence is when you will have to remain strong.

 

What's wrong with silence? I embraced it. My life doesn't have to go 100mph nor does it have to feed off drama.

 

This is a great opportunity for the OP to find out who she is.

[Bittersweetie]

I tend to agree with this. When xMM and I ended a year ago I also sent him an angry email, lashed out and called him out on a few things. I said for him to never contact me again. For the first few weeks I felt strong and empowered. And then the anger subsides and the silence is deafening. You start doubting yourself and the things you said. I ended up reaching out to him to apologise. At first he didn't respond and eventually he did and he was still majorly pissed at me. Which ended with me totally back pedalling saying please don't hate me, I'm sorry etc etc. Which started the communication back between us.....

 

Please be aware that when the anger wears off and there is nothing but silence is when you will have to remain strong.

 

This was me too. After xAP dumped me the first time, I sent him a pissy angry email too. I didn't even last a week before sending an apology..."Sorry I went off on you." Then we were talking again and him asking me to be his "special friend."

[BaileyB]

What's wrong with silence? I embraced it.

 

Silence is golden.

 

Jen - you did what you felt like you have to do and you can't take it back now. But, ask yourself the hard questions... Did you do this to express and work through the anger that you feel towards him and yourself for putting yourself in the position to be used by this man for so long, or because you like the drama and you wanted the attention?