Cloudgazer99 Posted March 27, 2017 Share Posted March 27, 2017 I came across this place recently when looking for somewhere to talk about this as I can't in real life. I'm ashamed and embarrassed. So hi I've had a long term mutual attraction/flirtation with a work colleague nothing physical. We have No deep emotional involvement it's all flirting and sexual tension. He is really good looking and knows he is. I've resisted him for months and months, struggling not to show him that I do find him attractive and want to sleep with him. He's married and I am attached but I just haven't felt like I am attractive enough to be brave enough to do it, he's married and I have a partner and I don't want to be a cheat. So I have been holding him at arms length physically but we continue to flirt and the tension between us is unbelievable. Sometimes I avoid him because I don't trust myself and feel nervous. This weekend I could not stop thinking about him. He's really got in my head. It's affecting my relationship a lot and I'm losing interest in my partner. I wondered if I needed to get him out of my system or talk to him but doubt my confidence. We had loose plans to meet today for 'lunch' at his instigation and I messaged him to see if he was still interested. He started responding and flirting until I made it a bit more obvious that I was keen to meet and he shut me down entirely by rudely saying no, and it should teach me a lesson for messing him about so much the past few months. Now I feel like the entire thing was designed to boost his ego and see if he could have me. Now he knows he could, he binned me off and probably enjoyed being rude to me. I'm confused. Maybe I have been messing him about so can't expect him to jump when I decide. I did not reply to that message and avoided him the rest of the day but he made sure I could hear his loud annoying voice for 3 hours with the office door open. At the end of the day he came into my office but I was on the phone. I just looked at him and he left. Not heard from him again. I know it's for the best and I have to focus on sorting my own situation out. I also am glad I hadn't slept with him before he decided to do this. I just feel like I might have been a joke to him all along? The chubby work lady who is obsessed with him. I'm so stupid 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted March 27, 2017 Share Posted March 27, 2017 You're not stupid. He is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lovetoo Posted March 27, 2017 Share Posted March 27, 2017 If you really got to know him, the real him, aside from his appearance and whatever, you likely will find that you don't like him. You're giving him something he needs now, attention. If you weren't giving him that, no telling how he'd treat you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
NTV Posted March 27, 2017 Share Posted March 27, 2017 Work crushes are just that. It's easy to develop feelings for folks you spend more waking hours with than your spouse. The problem is that you didn't squash them as soon as you realized that you had them. Lesson learned right? Squash the feeling and then invest more time focusing on your husband. Like sending hubby a dirty text over lunch. As long as it isn't out of the blue it could be something you both get into quickly. Chances are if you gave hubby the same kind/amount of attention your rewards would be far greater. I bet you don't know your husband nearly as well as you think. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted March 27, 2017 Share Posted March 27, 2017 What is there to sort out in your relationship? Seems like there is very little respect, attraction and commitment on your side. I say hang on to the feelings of lost interest and allow your partner to move on and find someone who won't so willing toss them aside for a pretty faces that smiles and winks. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Tressugar Posted March 27, 2017 Share Posted March 27, 2017 You're definitely not stupid, please don't say that about yourself. You're human with feelings. This interaction between the two of you was just a facade. Nothing more, nothing less. Think about it, a bird in the hand is better than two in the bush. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted March 27, 2017 Share Posted March 27, 2017 You're definitely not stupid, please don't say that about yourself. You're human with feelings. This interaction between the two of you was just a facade. Nothing more, nothing less. Think about it, a bird in the hand is better than two in the bush. Maybe, but not if you're so willing to crush the one in your hand to grab one in the bush. Poor bird....Just let him fly no need to crush him 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cloudgazer99 Posted March 27, 2017 Author Share Posted March 27, 2017 I am a terrible girlfriend. He's not my husband we have been together less than a year. It is like when work guy found out I had a boyfriend he stepped this up even more. Initially him being a horrible person made me like my boyfriend more because he is a million times a nicer person. I do not even think this work guy is a nice person. I am sure he's quite horrible. But that seems to be exactly what the issue is. My boyfriend is so nice and I am more drawn to the horrible men who don't respect me. It is not that he is a pretty face, we have a bizarre inability to just stop talking to each other. We already agreed this was a terrible idea a few months ago and could never happen. He won't let it go so today I pushed it to see where it would go and it fell flat so I have probably done the right thing in all honesty I just feel a bit humiliated with myself that I could possibly imagine he might actually like me and he doesn't all along. And that I have let this drip away into my new relationship and turn it sour. Which is all my fault. Link to post Share on other sites
FoundMyStrength Posted March 27, 2017 Share Posted March 27, 2017 He started responding and flirting until I made it a bit more obvious that I was keen to meet and he shut me down entirely by rudely saying no, and it should teach me a lesson for messing him about so much the past few months. Whether he consciously knows it or not (I suspect he does), he's playing games with you. He likes the attention, the flirting, the ego boosts. My xMM loved it too, and he also would pull away dramatically and act cold to me. You'll never know what it is -- a game, guilt, cold feet, second guessing. But the thing is, IT DOESN'T MATTER WHY. Trust me and other xOW and xMM on this site. You need to extricate yourself from this situation. Yes, you probably have overwhelming attraction to and connection with this guy. I did. Most OW do. Most xMM do. But you are in for a world, a universe, of hurt if you continue down this road. Affairs don't end well. At best, you guys have a brief fling, and the rest of your time at your job is spent in awkward silence and emotional pain. At worst, you get discovered, one or both of you gets fired, his wife (rightly) makes your life a living nightmare, and you spend months and months in emotional pain, unable to forget the "what ifs" of your affair. Don't do it. Please. It's not worth it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cloudgazer99 Posted March 27, 2017 Author Share Posted March 27, 2017 To put it into more context I say I have been avoiding him, well 2 weeks ago I was off work sick and he was almost harrassing me about coming into work to see him, how he came over just to see me etc. Texting me all day long about it. Then today I am available he isn't interested. That's the kind of thing he does all the time. I make resolute plans to get rid of him and he chases me down, I start caving in and then he loses all interest. I keep deleting his number and emails but I can't block because it's work, he will always find a way to contact me. He's just playing games? I've applied for some new jobs. I need to get away from him. I haven't decided what to do about my boyfriend yet. I have not cheated on him but I am distracted, I don't know if we have enough to keep going or whether it's over. He doesn't want it to be over he wants to work on it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cloudgazer99 Posted March 27, 2017 Author Share Posted March 27, 2017 Thanks Foundmystrength I know this I need to hear it and keep repeating it too Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted March 27, 2017 Share Posted March 27, 2017 No need to get down... Boyfriend is too nice, which translates to I'm not sexually attracted to him. Just tell him what you told us then let him go so you don't ruin a nice guy for a women who isn't interested in some creepy married dude playing mind games and likely sleeping with his wife's cousin and/or bff 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cloudgazer99 Posted March 27, 2017 Author Share Posted March 27, 2017 I'm sexually attracted to BF but the MM is more sexually attractive I think even subconsciously or whatever - the whole dangerous guy sexual attraction. In fact I don't think I have ever been more sexually and visually attracted to someone in my life like this MM. My BF also is very lovely but also very preoccupied with sex and it's not exciting or spontaneous sex so I can feel like I am trapped inbetween wanting bits of them both - the exciting sexual chemistry and how nice my BF is, wishing BF was a bit more dominant in some ways. I don't know whether to let him go, knowing that we suit each other in so many ways and I have just been a total idiot Link to post Share on other sites
Southern Sun Posted March 27, 2017 Share Posted March 27, 2017 All of this is exactly how a typical affair works. I mean, I don't know if all men necessarily play such games, but in regards to the "chemistry", the attraction, the lust, etc. He is playing hot and cold with you, the push/pull game. You come close, he runs. You play it cool, he pulls you back in. It's a path to hell, I'll tell you that. But it is contributing to the intense feelings you have and making it hard for you to think logically. You've let yourself get to this place by entertaining these thoughts, flirting and texting, and spending this time with the MM. You are building a fantasy relationship. You have almost no idea what he is really like. No, this isn't fair to your boyfriend, but it doesn't mean you're a horrible person and it does not automatically mean you don't love him. At only a year in, though, one does have to question why you would allow yourself to drop your boundaries with another man. Usually you would still be in the honeymoon stage. So I would do some serious thinking about that. Either way, please do make a choice: if you are going to pursue this with the MM (which I highly recommend you do NOT), then you should let your BF go. But if you will stop yourself now, then take a breath and spend some time evaluating your relationship. One thing at a time, please. I will predict with absolute certainty, though, that this MM is absolutely bound to cause you nothing but pain and misery. Do you really want that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cloudgazer99 Posted March 27, 2017 Author Share Posted March 27, 2017 MM has been around for 5 years, and only started this to this extent in the last year when I got a BF. He was always super friendly before but I worked in a large open plan office at that time and I think it was too obvious if he singled me out in that way. I always though he was hot but I was pretty professional towards him. Now I work in a smaller office it's more opportunistic and no one is around to notice it, maybe I let my guard down (I did let my guard down) and got carried away with the flattery of 'how much he has always thought I was hot' and other flattering rubbish Boundary wise I think I was naive with feeling fairly comfortable around him and initially secure in my lovely new relationship with a great guy. It doesn't say much for my character at how easy I was to win over with flattery. I don't even need it - I get it from my BF! Thank you for all your advice, How do I deal with him now? Cut him as dead as I can? I never contact him first so I am control of that, I just worry he will try again with pushing my buttons, make me react angrily to him and then him apologise/make me laugh and then it all repeats. I honestly felt like punching him in the face today after being rude then having to listen to him loudly flirting with other women then having the front to come into my office afterwards. I'm glad I was on the phone as I was speechless at his front Link to post Share on other sites
NTV Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 You have his text messages. Just tell him that if he comes around again those texts will be going straight to his wife. Use her name like there is a clandestine sisterhood you're both part of. Lol Then when you see how afraid he looks. .. well that's take all the attraction out of him for ya. Hopefully. Also break up with your boyfriend. If you're in your first year with him and relationship isn't strong enough to hold your undivided attention.... it probably never will. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 Well honestly you are cheating and have been most of your relationship, if you don't think it's cheating then tell all of this to your boyfriend or let him read what you wrote here. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Simple Logic Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 There are leesons in life that one need experiance to learn. This was one of them and other than getting your ego crushed you are uninjured. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cloudgazer99 Posted March 28, 2017 Author Share Posted March 28, 2017 I know this is a level of cheating. I meant I hadn't slept with the guy which is down the rabbit hole no way back level of cheating. I have not committed to my boyfriend and he knows this as I have been honest I am not ready for serious commitment. From day 1 he knows that and agreed to it and wants us to work. I know he's hoping I will commit to him one day. We are not living together and are still dating. I am still getting to know him and I can't possibly know the real him yet as much as he doesn't know the real me. we have never discussed exclusivity or love either which is not an excuse, it's just the way things have happened. This shows me I am still not ready to commit so I can let him go if he wants to Link to post Share on other sites
freengreen Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 What he thought of you is what you ( and rest of us).. will never know. He played it well and cunning. Your dignity is not all lost.. hold on to what ever you got and walk away. If you stay you will get doses of these peace killers. Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 Sometimes I just wonder why some of the established posters don't just spell it out for these poor people. Most of you actually know what is going on with this. First off, OP, If you are a little heavy, do something about it if it bothers you. But you should understand that it makes you no less beautiful in any way. My main girl is heavy, and she if beautiful and very sexy. FWIW, she is a first class lover as well. So, this guy is a player, without a doubt. He cheats on his wife regularly. He loves the ego boost that he gets flirting with women and having them desire him. I used to be this guy so I assure you this is a correct assessment. For you, he will start sniffing around soon. And he actually wants to take you to bed. It is all calculated on his part and he has done it many times. For you, DO NOT GET INVOLVED with him at all. Ignore him. If you are not into your BF then dump him and move on. This guy is over your head and once you sleep with him, and if he is halfway decent in bed you will be hooked. Then you will go down that dark road of being the other woman. Just read the posts on this board to figure out how horrible that can be in the long run. Of course if you just want a FB, then go ahead, but you will assuredly get too deep and fall in what "FEELS" like love. Move on and don't waste your time... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cloudgazer99 Posted March 28, 2017 Author Share Posted March 28, 2017 If there was confirmation this was a game I have it now. He's returned full of 'what happened to you yesterday, why didn't you come to see me when I was there?' So it's all been turned around on me. I have not responded and just deleted. This is work email so I can't block and I don't want to say too much if I did respond in case it's monitored like **** OFF Link to post Share on other sites
NTV Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 Just forward his romantic texts to his wife. Imo. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cloudgazer99 Posted March 28, 2017 Author Share Posted March 28, 2017 I have no idea who she is I don't even know her name. Link to post Share on other sites
jenkins95 Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 (edited) Hi (((cloudgazer))) I know you feel kind of shi**y about what happened and it has upset, unsettled and humiliated you, but please know that you have dodged a major bullet here. You were on the precipice of a full physical affair here - no question. A few different decisions here or there from either of you and the two of you could have ended up in bed. If that had happened, then for those few hours you may have experienced the most intense excitement and ecstasy that you've ever experienced..... .... And then slowly but surely your life and those of all the others affected would gradually have been destroyed as the well-trodden pantomime of a typical office affair played out. The pain that you and others would have experienced would have been unbearable. 10000s times more than the humiliation and upset that you feel now.... And it wouldn't have just been you. Please take that from bitter experience (I was the MM in an affair). Just read the threads here of others who were in your situation, but went that one step further - it makes very sombre reading. Good luck! You really did Dodge one here. Learn lots from this, put it behind you and have a fantastic life. I wish you all the best. Keep on posting! Edited March 28, 2017 by jenkins95 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts