feel stupid

[Cloudgazer99]

Men like this don't make you feel attractive though do they because they blow so hot and cold. I could lose weight but not for a man for myself.

Looking back on the whole thing I think I have managed to hide my insecurities quite well maybe too well, I think if he saw a sign that I was upset about anything it would be a massive turn off. I'm actively unpleasant to him at times and have played into this power game. He's always asking me for reassurance about things, is he good at X, do I like Y etc trying to get me to give him compliments and I never do and tell him he's got a massive ego, he's vain, he's manipulative and bossy. So we have a horribly open sometimes cruel relationship. It's toxic. He wants adoration from me and I won't give it, so he's not bored of me yet.

He once said to me that he's a nasty bad person inside who has to pretend to be good on the outside to his family and that he knows I am the same 'bad girl' deep down just pretending to be nice, and we get each other as we are the same bad apple. And that we would be amazing in bed together.

 

I know I would feel absolutely disgusting afterwards, I already do. He's horrible and I'm concerned about what it really says about me

[DKT3]

Hi (((cloudgazer)))

 

I know you feel kind of shi**y about what happened and it has upset, unsettled and humiliated you, but please know that you have dodged a major bullet here.

 

You were on the precipice of a full physical affair here - no question. A few different decisions here or there from either of you and the two of you could have ended up in bed.

 

If that had happened, then for those few hours you may have experienced the most intense excitement and ecstasy that you've ever experienced.....

 

.... And then slowly but surely your life and those of all the others affected would gradually have been destroyed as the well-trodden pantomime of a typical office affair played out.

 

The pain that you and others would have experienced would have been unbearable. 10000s times more than the humiliation and upset that you feel now.... And it wouldn't have just been you. Please take that from bitter experience (I was the MM in an affair). Just read the threads here of others who were in your situation, but went that one step further - it makes very sombre reading.

 

Good luck! You really did Dodge one here. Learn lots from this, put it behind you and have a fantastic life.

 

I wish you all the best. Keep on posting!

 

But she hasn't dodged it because her sat around with this guy and allowed him to badmouth her boyfriend and relationship with him to the point that she understands has damaged it. Sad, just hoping that at least she didn't pile on. Either way, the relationship with the boyfriend likely needs to end.

[Cloudgazer99]

We never talk about our partners with one another, ever no one has been badmouthed. We don't even know each other's partners or children's names. It's like they don't exist in this scenario. The damage is that I am distant and feeling guilty and things just don't feel the same

[jenkins95]

But she hasn't dodged it because her sat around with this guy and allowed him to badmouth her boyfriend and relationship with him to the point that she understands has damaged it. Sad, just hoping that at least she didn't pile on. Either way, the relationship with the boyfriend likely needs to end.

 

Yes, I've picked up on a few extra details that i missed on the first scan-read (Note to self: read threads properly before posting).

 

He sounds toxic, OP. You need to go immediate NC with him. Think about your BF and if there's anything to salvage, but try to do it without being tainted by his poison.

[DKT3]

Yes, I've picked up on a few extra details that i missed on the first scan-read (Note to self: read threads properly before posting).

 

He sounds toxic, OP. You need to go immediate NC with him. Think about your BF and if there's anything to salvage, but try to do it without being tainted by his poison.

 

Nothing to salvage, the more she writes the less commitment to has. It's like she trying to make herself feel better by downplaying the relationship.

 

I was mistaken about the bad-mouth part, I got confused with another post.....Ignore that part, my apologies

[Cloudgazer99]

One reason I am hesitant to end things with my BF is because I can't see or decide whether to put everything into boyfriend or not, I just do not know and I do not know how to work it out either. I asked for space because I felt very stressed although I did not tell him exactly what was causing the stress and he has given this to me. This is difficult with someone I have not yet fallen in love with yet because I have nothing to reference it back to how I felt before, because it's all new.

 

Regarding commitment - he has not long got divorced and I do not want him to rush into a big serious relationship with me too soon. Also the element I am aware of that people put on their best front initially and over time you get to know the real person inside. We all do this and it takes a long time to know the person you are committing to is the right person instead of jumping in and then realising it's wrong when you are tied to each other tightly. I do not like to feel vulnerable but I do think if I let him, he could make me very happy. I suppose I feel like I do not deserve him

[DKT3]

One reason I am hesitant to end things with my BF is because I can't see or decide whether to put everything into boyfriend or not, I just do not know and I do not know how to work it out either. I asked for space because I felt very stressed although I did not tell him exactly what was causing the stress and he has given this to me. This is difficult with someone I have not yet fallen in love with yet because I have nothing to reference it back to how I felt before, because it's all new.

 

Regarding commitment - he has not long got divorced and I do not want him to rush into a big serious relationship with me too soon. Also the element I am aware of that people put on their best front initially and over time you get to know the real person inside. We all do this and it takes a long time to know the person you are committing to is the right person instead of jumping in and then realising it's wrong when you are tied to each other tightly. I do not like to feel vulnerable but I do think if I let him, he could make me very happy. I suppose I feel like I do not deserve him

I agree, as a said, end it and leave him a nice guy for the next girl who will appreciate him

[Lovetoo]

 

Tell me what you think

[Cloudgazer99]

It's an interesting song thanks.

I didn't really relate too much to it because it's quite gentle and my situation feels all angry and bad.

 

I'm meeting boyfriend on Friday and I will initiate a conversation about where things are going and try to be honest about how I am feeling. I don't want to be cruel to him.

 

I know I have had a lot of advice as to getting rid of MM for my own good but I don't know how to actually do it. seeing him feels like my legs don't work properly, it's hard to breathe I hate these feeling and I want them to go away. When he makes me feel so angry it's still a feeling and I want to just not care and him have any power over my feelings at all.

[Lovetoo]

I think when a man makes you feel like that especially if he is attached RUN!! Stay away from him. He has greatest potential to hurt you very very badly. Don't let him. Just remove his job and his looks and whatever charm he has. Remove all That from him. What is he now??

[DKT3]

It's an interesting song thanks.

I didn't really relate too much to it because it's quite gentle and my situation feels all angry and bad.

 

I'm meeting boyfriend on Friday and I will initiate a conversation about where things are going and try to be honest about how I am feeling. I don't want to be cruel to him.

 

I know I have had a lot of advice as to getting rid of MM for my own good but I don't know how to actually do it. seeing him feels like my legs don't work properly, it's hard to breathe I hate these feeling and I want them to go away. When he makes me feel so angry it's still a feeling and I want to just not care and him have any power over my feelings at all.

 

Honesty would mean telling him why you feel what you feel. Something like you're a nice guy, too nice for me, so for our entire relationship I've been involved in an emotional affair with a hot married guy that treats me poorly. That should do it.

Edited March 28, 2017 by DKT3

[Cloudgazer99]

I've thought long and hard about whether to tell him about MM and I can only see that it would offload my guilt and be a cruel blow to him. Then it would involve him feeling like I probably did have sex with the guy and I haven't even ever kissed him, but he wouldn't believe that would he? So he would feel even worse that I've told him a half truth. Where does this lead with him trying to get answers from me that I don't have?

 

If you could point out any ways this would benefit him past the fact it's just not working out (and this would not be a shock to him however much he is hoping otherwise). If it was a marriage I was trying to salvage I agree with 100% honesty but in this case I will never see him again. He had a girlfriend and it didn't work out. Aside from using your words to confirm I am a bad person I am sure seeing me get my comeuppance would only benefit you in this case? I am not goading you on this I genuinely think that. My mind is finding one answer 'he deserves to know the truth' but why? He's not married to me and I haven't made a commitment. We just don't have a strong enough connection otherwise I wouldn't have been so tempted. It was strong enough that I fought it over and over but that is of no consolation to him. This is also my private side I don't want to share with him and never did. We don't have that deep a bond for me to want to do that with him. There are a million things I've never told him about myself, some serious some not.

[sandylee1]

If a single guy behaved this way, would you entertain him? I doubt it, so why would you from a MM.

 

He's just after someone to make him feel good. He's a man who presents a fake front.

 

You should ignore his messages and avoid being alone with him. Problem kind of solved and then you'd be best splitting from your BF. Something isn't there for you with him and it doesn't seem like it's ever been there.

 

Relationships shouldn't be that hard so early.

[DKT3]

I've thought long and hard about whether to tell him about MM and I can only see that it would offload my guilt and be a cruel blow to him. Then it would involve him feeling like I probably did have sex with the guy and I haven't even ever kissed him, but he wouldn't believe that would he? So he would feel even worse that I've told him a half truth. Where does this lead with him trying to get answers from me that I don't have?

 

If you could point out any ways this would benefit him past the fact it's just not working out (and this would not be a shock to him however much he is hoping otherwise). If it was a marriage I was trying to salvage I agree with 100% honesty but in this case I will never see him again. He had a girlfriend and it didn't work out. Aside from using your words to confirm I am a bad person I am sure seeing me get my comeuppance would only benefit you in this case? I am not goading you on this I genuinely think that. My mind is finding one answer 'he deserves to know the truth' but why? He's not married to me and I haven't made a commitment. We just don't have a strong enough connection otherwise I wouldn't have been so tempted. It was strong enough that I fought it over and over but that is of no consolation to him. This is also my private side I don't want to share with him and never did. We don't have that deep a bond for me to want to do that with him. There are a million things I've never told him about myself, some serious some not.

You tell him because​ he deserves to know that YOU are the problem, that he isn't. You tell her m so that he knows there is nothing he could have done better or different.

 

Honestly, that not enough connection is bull, it's about you, it's about you lacking respect, about poor boundaries and placing someone in an unfavorable situation.

 

Cheating is cheating, and you are definitely cheating​ no matter how you attempt to justify or down play it. This is your issue, it's not a relationship issue or a lack of connection. It's an internal issue that will follow you into any and every relationship you have until you accept it hold yourself accountable and strive to fix it.

[stillafool]

One reason I am hesitant to end things with my BF is because I can't see or decide whether to put everything into boyfriend or not, I just do not know and I do not know how to work it out either. I asked for space because I felt very stressed although I did not tell him exactly what was causing the stress and he has given this to me. This is difficult with someone I have not yet fallen in love with yet because I have nothing to reference it back to how I felt before, because it's all new.

 

Regarding commitment - he has not long got divorced and I do not want him to rush into a big serious relationship with me too soon. Also the element I am aware of that people put on their best front initially and over time you get to know the real person inside. We all do this and it takes a long time to know the person you are committing to is the right person instead of jumping in and then realising it's wrong when you are tied to each other tightly. I do not like to feel vulnerable but I do think if I let him, he could make me very happy. I suppose I feel like I do not deserve him

 

I imagine if this other guy was free and wanted you you would have no problem making a commitment to him. You don't want to let your bf go because you don't want to be without a man. That is selfish. You aren't feeling it for your bf like you do this other guy so let him go as he deserves a woman who is hot for him the way you are this OM. Once you let your bf go then chase after the other guy as much as you want until his wife finds out or he puts an end to it. Please don't try to hold on the your bf and ruin his life. No you don't have to tell your bf why you are letting him go, just do it.

Edited March 29, 2017 by stillafool

[Cloudgazer99]

I do not want MM. This thread was about making that final decision in my head that i don't want him and don't even like him. All we have is some stupid sexual attraction and literally nothing else. I have no intention of chasing him down I am looking for a new job, ignoring him and staying away.

 

Without knowing me you can't presume I am scared to not have a man. I have spent nearly 10 years single prior to meeting my BF. I came out of a violent and emotionally abusive relationship and haven't found trust easy myself.

 

I have also decided that this is the end of me and my BF for exactly all those reasons you said. But I will not tell him about MM no matter how much you insist I should or why I am not doing it, we just aren't right together. It happens. There doesn't need to be blame on him I have no intention of it sounding like he has done something wrong. Placing all my issues on to this man by offloading it onto him will not help me 'get over my internal issue' whatsoever, all it will do is make him feel angry and horrible inside. He can walk away not feeling like absolute rubbish. This isn't about me avoiding any truth with him because I can't hide from myself can I? I am the person who knows every single day. Dumping this on him then going 'bye, see you' never seeing him again will help...how?

[Cloudgazer99]

Stop twisting what I am trying to say

 

I met a guy

We get on well

We are not in love

He's not long been divorced

I feel uneasy about commitment due to other, non BF related issues from my past that he doesn't know about because I don't know him well enough to talk about them

I find someone else attractive who is a horrible person

I haven't acted on it despite many, many opportunities to

I felt like it was all a game all along and discovered it was and I am 50% to blame

I realise I am stupid

Ending things with my BF

Don't think there is any point telling him because it won't magically solve anything and just give him more problems

[Cloudgazer99]

So I am back. It's ended with BF and he said he agreed that there wasn't that real spark to move us forward and have a solid future. I had no intention of telling him but if he had asked me directly I wouldn't have actually lied: he didn't ask about whether there was anyone else. So I didn't bring it up. We just wished each other the best and have parted. I don't think we will stay in touch as friends. I do feel sad and miss him a little but also feel it's best for him. I knew it would end on this note as he is not a dramatic guy. Also I feel good for him that he wasn't destroyed by me, the screwed up idiot.

 

As for MM. I think he might be trying to lovebomb me now he thinks I have lost interest in him. It's like a fascinating car crash in slow motion, watching him give me seemingly real heartfelt compliments. He's never done that before, it almost seems real but I know it isn't. Job search is moving forward, have some meetings set up and sent applications. In the few days I did not have any communication with MM I really felt like I had a positive chance of moving forward. I was not expecting him to come back this time I thought he had lost all interest in me and was relieved. I have been trying to ice him out but this makes him more determined. I feel like I am responsible for getting into this game because I have played it over and over with him but I think I want out now?

[DKT3]

Good you him (boyfriend, ex) now he can focus his energy on a woman willing to do the same.

 

I'm getting old, I couldn't remember details of your story so I reread it. Something jumped out at me like a flashing neon sign....You fear commitment...You go after unavailable men, when an available man was presented to you you looked for reasons it couldn't/wouldn't work. You ended it, but for some odd reason continue to engage this sleepy married dude...Oh yeah he is unavailable, this no risk for you to have to commit.

[Cloudgazer99]

It's feeding my low self esteem? I am not sure. But yeah I don't have to commit to this do I.

 

It can be really cruel. It can also feel overwhelming and intense. Lovebombing has consisted of telling me I am so beautiful, my eyes are amazing, he adores me, he thinks about me all the time, he finds me so crazily attractive, thought about running away with me.

[DKT3]

It's not cruel because you are fully aware, what you were doing to your ex was cruelty because he didn't know the situation. You are willingly engaging this sleezy ca, fully aware of the situation. You are choosing this path and the pain that will come with it.

[Cloudgazer99]

I cannot get away from him: he's in my workspace. He is seeking me out. I have blocked his numbers on my personal phone. He's never said these things to me before because he's aware I'm trying to get away

[DKT3]

I cannot get away from him: he's in my workspace. He is seeking me out. I have blocked his numbers on my personal phone. He's never said these things to me before because he's aware I'm trying to get away

 

Oh come on, you can get away, you don't truly want to. You enjoy it. Like you said it's a game...... Until you get burned

[Space Ritual]

I cannot get away from him: he's in my workspace. He is seeking me out. I have blocked his numbers on my personal phone. He's never said these things to me before because he's aware I'm trying to get away

 

Then go to Human Resources. It's really quite simple.

 

One way or another one of you is going to end up there. If I were you I'd strike while the iron is hot.

 

You are half assing this, lady. Part of being an adult is accepting responsibility for our choices. Thus far, between dumping the poor guy who was clueless about your EA, and now getting the Married Guy coming on strong, which is kind of what you wanted in the first place, you have not seen much consequence for your actions.

 

But I think you are about to.

 

You need to wise up. This guy sounds pretty slick and I would not be surprised if he was able to turn all of this around on you and make you out to be the perpetrator.

 

Because if he even has an inkling you are going to try to inform his wife of any of this, he'll throw you under the bus so fast in an effort to work on his marriage your head will spin.

 

 

After reading this thread a couple of times, and deducing from doing so you have done nothing short of painting yourself into a corner, your best option now is to go to Human Resources and plead your case. Sure you may lose your job too, but you have allowed yourself to fall into an untenable position.

 

Do yourself a favor and report him to HR and let the chips fall where they may. It sucks that you may suffer some consequences, but that's what being an adult is all about. Start acting like one.

[Cloudgazer99]

But I am aware this is not real, and it's a game and I'm just realising I do not want to be part of the game anymore. Everything he's saying isn't what I want to hear because it's not really true so it doesn't mean anything. It's no longer sexy flirting it's weird and I agree Human Resources might be the way I have to go - I'm embarrassed which is why I haven't done it up till now, I really don't want to have to admit to work what is going on here because it's all weird. We haven't had a physical affair so in part it sounds ridiculous

 

I don't think threatening to tel his wife will work for me because I do not even know her name. We were loosely connected via social media (via a 3rd party page) and before I removed this I looked to see if I could see who she was and I can't, although could try calling his bluff this just seems like another stupid game.

 

I will speak to my manager initially for advive. I'm looking at leaving my job so I don't see how I am not being 'adult' about sorting all this crazy mess out.

I posted here because he made me feel like crap for the last time not because I want him: I've described what led us here and gone over how he's made me feel

 

I'm not really sure how helpful this process has been for me in all honesty. This tough love approach isn't really helpful advice more than just making me feel more stupid and confused not strong