Complicated Relationship

[hurt.and.confused]

Back in December I found out my husband was having inappropriate conversations with a female coworker. I confronted him and he said it was nothing and she means nothing to him, I asked if they have been intimate and he said no. They still work together so I already have issues with that, but last night my husband said that the male co-workers were talking about going out without the spouses and asked if it would be just men, he said that he knew of yes. I told him I did not have an issue with that as long as that "co-workers" did not include her. He said he did not know if included her or not that sometimes all co-workers both male and female all go out without their spouses. I told him that I already have to accept he still works with this girl and now he wants me to accept him going out with her too, not. I told him if that was the case then he was not going out with them or I was going with him. He got upset and said "I just won’t go out then". My question is am I wrong for telling him that he would not be going out with his co-workers if she was going to be there?

[hippychick3]

Nope, you are not wrong at all. Your husband did not respect the boundaries of your relationship, and it's his responsibility to go out of his way to show you his remorse for this. He should know better!

[hurt.and.confused]

he just thinks i'm being controlling now..

[hippychick3]

he just thinks i'm being controlling now..

 

You're understandably protecting yourself from getting hurt again. He needs to go out of his way to show you that he is sorry for his actions. Under no circumstances is it okay for him to socialize with her outside of work given what he's done.

[ExpatInItaly]

he just thinks i'm being controlling now..

 

Tough cookies for him.

 

He broke your trust. He is the one who should be working to fix that, and instead, he's amplifying your uneasiness.

 

What was the nature of their conversations, OP? Are you sure they're not still communicating?

[salparadise]

Back in December I found out my husband was having inappropriate conversations with a female coworker.

 

It would help to know more about what kind of inappropriate you're talking about, and how you determined this. Was it explicit sexual talk, flirting, etc.? Was it at work or somewhere else, or through texting or email? How did you learn of it, and did you see or overhear exactly what was said? Inappropriate could be quite different things to different people, and if you don't know first hand what was said how do you know it was inappropriate? What was the conversation like when you initially confronted him? Does he agree that it was inappropriate?

[Space Ritual]

Back in December I found out my husband was having inappropriate conversations with a female coworker. I confronted him and he said it was nothing and she means nothing to him, I asked if they have been intimate and he said no. They still work together so I already have issues with that, but last night my husband said that the male co-workers were talking about going out without the spouses and asked if it would be just men, he said that he knew of yes. I told him I did not have an issue with that as long as that "co-workers" did not include her. He said he did not know if included her or not that sometimes all co-workers both male and female all go out without their spouses. I told him that I already have to accept he still works with this girl and now he wants me to accept him going out with her too, not. I told him if that was the case then he was not going out with them or I was going with him. He got upset and said "I just won’t go out then". My question is am I wrong for telling him that he would not be going out with his co-workers if she was going to be there?

 

 

So sorry this is happening to you.

 

I just want to tell you as much as you are hurting right now, you did nothing to create this. The cheating is all on him.

 

And yes he is cheating on you. I would bet my entire wallet.

 

What he is doing now is called "Gas lighting" He will tell you that you're crazy, controlling, and manipulative. He will tell you that all of this means nothing, she is just a friend, everything is above board.

 

A couple of points here.

 

Let me guess he guards his phone like it is Fort Knox? Secretive?

 

What you are getting is actually not unusual. Cheaters literally follow the same pattern. We like to call it The Cheaters Handbook.

 

Sadly many of us have been subjected to exactly what you have, with about the same results. being told we are crazy, stalkers, you name it.

 

The following is what would consider doing if I were you"

 

1. Stop asking him questions. All his answers are lies anyway at this point and it will just drive you nuts. Also he needs to get another job.

 

2. Implement what is called "The 180" on him. It is not meant to get him back, it s meant for you to detach from him and his stupidity so you can make better decisions going forward.

 

3. If this woman he is seeing on the side has a boyfriend or husband, it s imperative that he be informed of what is going on. If there is any way you can do that, I urge you to do so. And be prepared to prove it is need be.

Generally when a cheating spouse is exposed to an unknowing partner, they tend to run for cover or throw the other affair partner under the bus pretty quick in an attempt to "Work on the relationship".

 

4. Seek Legal counsel and that is a MUST. You need to know what your rights are going forward. That includes filing for divorce. Remember filing for divorce means it can be stopped at any time, so even if you file, it may wake you husband up.

 

5. If you have any joint credit cards, cancel them. If you have a joint bank account, go take half of what is in there out and open an account in your blame only and deposit that half in it. You may need it for a lawyer. Better to prepare for War and hope for peace. If you can;t trust him with his dick, you sure as hell can't trust him with an ATM Card.

 

6. Look up Polygraphs. Even if you have no intention of ever scheduling one for him you can always print up an application from a Polygraph firm online and "conveniently" leave it in spot where you will know he will see it. You may in fact get something akin to a parking lot confession right then and there. Scare the crap out of him.

 

I know you have a lot to think about. But also remember that an explanation he gives is probably a bald faced lie, or at bets, what s called "Trickle Truth"....which is the cheater giving you just enough information to keep you thinking it wasn't that bad all the while knowing it was. And the excuse usually is that they do this as they don't want to "hurt" the injured party any further. Think of Trickle Truth as Hitler telling the rest of Europe he had no territorial designs on any country after getting the Sudetenland back at the Munich summit. Look at how that Trickle Truth worked out?

 

If all else fails tell him he is free to go bang his little coworker, just not as your wife. Then pack his stuff, up and offer to drive him over there to her place so he can live with her.

 

Again I am sorry, I know that is a lot to read and digest, but it sickens me that every few days we have somebody else coming here with yet another story that is all too predictable. I am not discounting your pain in any form, I just want you to know that many of us have been in your shoes and we have seen how these things tend to play out. So I urge you to act and do not accept this crap from your pustule of a husband one second longer.

 

You are responsible for HALF of your marriage. He is responsible for ALL of this cheating.

 

Good Luck.

[hurt.and.confused]

We used to share the same Icloud, so in December he was out of state and one evening he was drunk texting his coworker through the whatsapp app and she must was going on and off online, probably because she has a boyfriend, and he confronted her on it by taking snapshots and sending them to her. It the snaps she calling him baby and trying to explain that she is not going off line and asked he please not be mad at her. The pictures sent thru whatsapp are saved automatically to our camera roll and that following morning I was going thru the pictures his sister sent me and I saw his snaps. I then confronted him and he said she was nobody and he's just texting for fun and that she means nothing to him. But after confronting him he continued to talk to her through whatsapp.

[hurt.and.confused]

He takes his phone every where and puts it face down or leaves it in his pocket and if he gets on it he sits with his back to the wall on the bed.

[hurt.and.confused]

So sorry this is happening to you.

 

I just want to tell you as much as you are hurting right now, you did nothing to create this. The cheating is all on him.

 

And yes he is cheating on you. I would bet my entire wallet.

 

What he is doing now is called "Gas lighting" He will tell you that you're crazy, controlling, and manipulative. He will tell you that all of this means nothing, she is just a friend, everything is above board.

 

A couple of points here.

 

Let me guess he guards his phone like it is Fort Knox? Secretive?

 

What you are getting is actually not unusual. Cheaters literally follow the same pattern. We like to call it The Cheaters Handbook.

 

Sadly many of us have been subjected to exactly what you have, with about the same results. being told we are crazy, stalkers, you name it.

 

The following is what would consider doing if I were you"

 

1. Stop asking him questions. All his answers are lies anyway at this point and it will just drive you nuts. Also he needs to get another job.

 

2. Implement what is called "The 180" on him. It is not meant to get him back, it s meant for you to detach from him and his stupidity so you can make better decisions going forward.

 

3. If this woman he is seeing on the side has a boyfriend or husband, it s imperative that he be informed of what is going on. If there is any way you can do that, I urge you to do so. And be prepared to prove it is need be.

Generally when a cheating spouse is exposed to an unknowing partner, they tend to run for cover or throw the other affair partner under the bus pretty quick in an attempt to "Work on the relationship".

 

4. Seek Legal counsel and that is a MUST. You need to know what your rights are going forward. That includes filing for divorce. Remember filing for divorce means it can be stopped at any time, so even if you file, it may wake you husband up.

 

5. If you have any joint credit cards, cancel them. If you have a joint bank account, go take half of what is in there out and open an account in your blame only and deposit that half in it. You may need it for a lawyer. Better to prepare for War and hope for peace. If you can;t trust him with his dick, you sure as hell can't trust him with an ATM Card.

 

6. Look up Polygraphs. Even if you have no intention of ever scheduling one for him you can always print up an application from a Polygraph firm online and "conveniently" leave it in spot where you will know he will see it. You may in fact get something akin to a parking lot confession right then and there. Scare the crap out of him.

 

I know you have a lot to think about. But also remember that an explanation he gives is probably a bald faced lie, or at bets, what s called "Trickle Truth"....which is the cheater giving you just enough information to keep you thinking it wasn't that bad all the while knowing it was. And the excuse usually is that they do this as they don't want to "hurt" the injured party any further. Think of Trickle Truth as Hitler telling the rest of Europe he had no territorial designs on any country after getting the Sudetenland back at the Munich summit. Look at how that Trickle Truth worked out?

 

If all else fails tell him he is free to go bang his little coworker, just not as your wife. Then pack his stuff, up and offer to drive him over there to her place so he can live with her.

 

Again I am sorry, I know that is a lot to read and digest, but it sickens me that every few days we have somebody else coming here with yet another story that is all too predictable. I am not discounting your pain in any form, I just want you to know that many of us have been in your shoes and we have seen how these things tend to play out. So I urge you to act and do not accept this crap from your pustule of a husband one second longer.

 

You are responsible for HALF of your marriage. He is responsible for ALL of this cheating.

 

Good Luck.

She does have a boyfriend. I found her phone number then found her on facebook, thats how I found out she worked with him because he did not tell me that. I messaged her boyfriend and should him that snaps shots and that also my husband has her listed as a guys name, her sons name to be exact, and should him the phone number to prove it was her. But what ever she told him, he or she blocked me on his messenger. I've told him about getting another job buy he says he likes this one.

[Space Ritual]

He takes his phone every where and puts it face down or leaves it in his pocket and if he gets on it he sits with his back to the wall on the bed.

 

I'm sorry. The affair is physical. I can say that with 100 percent certainty. No guy goes to all that trouble over an emotional affair. Men want a result for their effort, like getting laid.

 

Please refer back to my original post and add to that you also need sadly enough, to get tested for STDs. If he is lying out his ass this bad right now, rest assured any sexual contact with her is unprotected.

 

Sounds like they are in "LUUURVE". All Unicorns and Rainbows.

 

Time to take a huge steaming dump on that Rainbow. I suggest you skip the investigation into this now and go straight to the "Nuclear Option" of seeing an attorney and getting money into a separate account.

 

People tend to not have any motivation to change their behaviors unless they are given concrete consequences. The marriage as you knew it is dead.

 

Time to show him those consequences.

[Space Ritual]

She does have a boyfriend. I found her phone number then found her on facebook, thats how I found out she worked with him because he did not tell me that. I messaged her boyfriend and should him that snaps shots and that also my husband has her listed as a guys name, her sons name to be exact, and should him the phone number to prove it was her. But what ever she told him, he or she blocked me on his messenger. I've told him about getting another job buy he says he likes this one.

 

 

Facebook is not a reliable source. She may have her BF's password and could easily intercept any correspondence. That is probably why you got blocked. She intercepted it and she now has advance warning and may have told her boyfriend some wild story that there is some "crazy woman" trying to accuse her of something and not to pay any attention to her.

 

That happens quite often.

 

Try a Registered Letter only he can sign for, or find out where he works and contact him there that you need to meet him because you have some bad news.

 

He may be upset but he will thank you for your honesty.

[hurt.and.confused]

Facebook is not a reliable source. She may have her BF's password and could easily intercept any correspondence. That is probably why you got blocked. She intercepted it and she now has advance warning and may have told her boyfriend some wild story that there is some "crazy woman" trying to accuse her of something and not to pay any attention to her.

 

That happens quite often.

 

Try a Registered Letter only he can sign for, or find out where he works and contact him there that you need to meet him because you have some bad news.

 

He may be upset but he will thank you for your honesty.

The little time I did speak to her boyfriend, he told me that his girlfriend told him that she can not stand my husband. That's when i showed him the snapshots of their conversations, and he asked for my husbands name, i told him and he told me he knew that mofo. He then told me he knew who my husband was because he too used to work there, that is how he met the female in question. But unfortunately he does not work there anymore and I only know his name, I do not know where he lives nor where he works. I've tried searching the internet to find out where they live, since the boyfriend told me they live together.

[ExpatInItaly]

It sounds to me like your husband did a lot more than just have an inappropriate conversation with this woman, OP.

[hurt.and.confused]

It sounds to me like your husband did a lot more than just have an inappropriate conversation with this woman, OP.

As much as I hate to admit it Expatinitaly, I think the same, and because they work such long hours together it's just eating me up.

[road]

he just thinks i'm being controlling now..

 

You are not wrong.

 

 

 

 

Controlling is a much used play from the WS play book. It cites

any behavior that will prevent, impede, or make having contact

between the AP's difficult.

[whichwayisup]

You want to shake things up? Since he keeps saying she means nothing to him, then tell him to end it with her completely. HE has two choices, end it or move out. Let him know that you will NOT tolerate him having an appropriate friendship that more than likely is going to lead to an affair. Right now it's (at best) an emotional affair. He is hiding his phone and not acting like an attentive loving husband to you. Instead of showering you with love and making you feel secure he's reactive, angry and acting pissy like a spoiled child not getting his way.

[smackie9]

Restricting him from going out IS NOT your answer to your problem. Lets rip the band-aid off now. YOU have marital issues that need to be addressed by a marriage counselor. He is or had at best an emotional affair with this woman. If it wasn't her he would have met and had one with someone else. His behavior is a result of deeper issues. Whatever these issues are, if you don't get to the bottom of what is happening with your relationship with him, for him to go astray.....you will just create a hostile environment, questioning his every move, causing great resentment. This will only be the demise of your marriage. As for now YOU CANNOT stop him from continuing their contact by scolding him or giving him ultimatums, or having tantrums/arguments. Put your focus on repairing your marriage, not on this coworker.

[ahhope4u]

This is hard on anyone-but don't let it make yourself sick stressing- there are plenty of resources in community/ church/social services for formal counselling whether it is temporary, or couples. It is a good place to start. I like the last line - you are responsible for half the marriage- whether in a codependancy or marriage- or business partnership any kind of realationship - we can only ever control ourselves. It will take a good long soul search to decide what is best for you. I hope you feel a bit better. Many Blessings and Prayers.