Mind in overdrive

[donewrong88]

By no means am I proud of what I've done and time has flown between events I have just returned from a long duration away from my two girls and I'm starting to realise what they mean to me.

 

Now for the history, the assistance I need with my decision - I met my now wife in 2007, we met at work became bubbly for each other as young people do. She moved in with me and my parents shortly after we were moving house to my home town which was around 2 hours from the one I met her in.

 

I switched stores and got a job near my new home - at the end of 2009 I made a massive mistake by getting drunk and cheated on her with a work colleague. I didn't tell her after all I loved her with everything I had and didn't want it ruined over a silly rash young naive moment.

 

I then joined the forces to which shortly after passing basic training I proposed in 2010 (still not having told her). A year later in 2011 we got married.

 

I then deployed away in 2012 at which I made another 2 mistakes by getting blind drunk and cheated with 2 more people. On return from deployment I told her about one of them. It took some time but she eventually forgave me.

 

I would also like to add whilst I was deployed she got close to a customer at work, to the point she'd stay after she finished to be with him, I even called her once whilst away to find she wasn't answering our home phone or her mobile. Eventually I got hold of her to which she said she was out with a friend (male by the way). I returned from my deployment and before I let them continue their "friendship" i confessed and said I'd slept with someone whilst away. She then bolted this friend picked her and she vanished for hours.

Few days/weeks later she received an email from her saying he was moving away but he will be back and maybe they could become more. Having already told what I did whilst away I didn't have a leg to stand on. She swore blind she never slept with him, this "friend" was buying her gifts after she'd mention "oh I like that, oh that's nice". Now she didn't think nothing of it but if another bloke is buying my wife gifts something is wrong. Eventually it all got put to bed, I emailed him and told him where to go, to which funnily I had no direct reply.

 

Fast forward to Xmas 2012 , I went out on a works Xmas function again (as per the inexcusable theme of this story ) got paralytic and slept with someone else of which it wasn't until my pal told me the following day what I had done I wouldn't of known , thought or remembered it.

 

 

July 2013 - I became the happiest man alive by becoming a dad to a little girl. Now when someone amazing such as this happens, you forget your past and only look forward to the future with your new little family.

 

 

 

It's now 2017 - 8 years from the initial work colleague one nighter.

 

5 years since the other 3 events (of which she knows about one).

 

I have always loved and still love my wife and my little girl with every being of my soul. I'm now 28 and have grown up well into my career and want to grow old with my wife whilst keeping our marriage intact and watching our beautiful daughter grow up, with parents that are together.

 

What do I do? Tell me wife everything alone? Or goto counselling and explain my actions of 2009 and the dark days of my life in 2012.

 

Please help I truly love them both with everything I have and I don't want to lose them but I'm not sure whether to come clean to go foward in an honest direction.

 

I appreciate any advice whole heartedly

 

DW

[NTV]

This is going to sound really cold... If you haven't yet done so you should get a paternity test. ASAP. You can pick one up at a drug store.

 

You can test your little girl without mom knowing then that's great.

 

If it is inconclusive or negative pay for the legal version.

 

Do not make moves to tell her about it or your past 'mistakes' until you have the results.

 

This of course is just my opinion on what your next step should be. But I think having the certainty of the answer may impact what you should speak to your wife about and how you speak to her.

 

Ntv

[Life lessons]

May I ask why you didn't confess about the other A, when you confessed about one? I can see not confessing at all, considering my situation....but I don't understand why you'd confess to one and not the other. I'd think that would've been the right choice at the time considering you were "coming clean", so to speak and admitting to the A.

[somanymistakes]

What's the point of the paternity test? Are you expecting him to throw away his daughter, an innocent toddler who completely depends and dotes on him, if it turns out that through no fault of the child's she has someone else's genes?

 

Are you hoping he can use it as LEVERAGE for his own repeated mistakes? That's pretty awful.

 

OP, please don't use your child as a weapon like that, it would destroy her.

[BaileyB]

First, you need to deal with the alcohol because you have big problems if you get drunk and sleep with several different women on more than one occasion...

 

I'm not sure why you didn't confess all when you told her about the one night. And, I'm not sure why you feel the need to confess now...

 

Truly, you need counselling personally to discover why you make such poor decisions, impulsively while under the influence of alcohol. I wonder if this affects your life in other ways because most people do not do this...

 

And, you need marriage counselling because your relationship seems to be really unhealthy.

 

Best wishes.

[aileD]

I'm. This sure you're even capable of fidelity.

 

You claim to love her "with everything I had". Apparently except for a certain part of your body that likes to be selfish when you drink.

 

Tell her everything but be prepared that she may leave you.

 

Definitely go to therapy.

[donewrong88]

Thanks all for your replies so far.

 

NTV - I've never thought that she wasn't mine, not sure a paternity test would solve the way I go about confessing to my mistakes. She is my world, nothing would ever change that. If that even was the case i don't feel it would stop the love I have for her.

 

Lifelessons/BaileyB - I don't know why I didn't confess to both, in hindsight I wish I had. It wouldn't have go me to this stage where I wish to move forward in the correct way. In 2012 drink was a problem and I was in a dark point in my life where. Toning seemed to be going right, however now I have no drinking problem. To the point where I focus my time and energy into keeping

shape and eating better.

 

Somanymistakes - that would NEVER happen, she is my world and I love her with everything, as above nothing would change even if I did do a test and it turnt out she wasn't mine. She's a child with no control over that part of life.

 

I guess I just wish to move life forward honestly, but I'm just not sure how to do it.

 

Thanks Again

[NTV]

No, paternity testing would not be leverage.

 

His wife obviously lied about what she did with dude in the truck and while he was deployed.

 

He lied about his mistakes.

 

The lies are thick here and breeding. Clarification of paternity is truth.

 

So many mistakes, if the child wasn't his would you recommend he stay and tell her the truth OR cut and run?

 

Him telling her the truth is definitely something I think he should do. But there is a chance she will divorce him for it. He should know before taking that risk. In fact he should already know. The removal of that tiny doubt might be what sways him to commit that much harder.

 

No. Kids are never leverage. Except when using the thought of your kids as self motivation.

[donewrong88]

Thankyou NTV,

I had no doubt you were going to explain your reasons behind that previous comment. What hurts me the most and makes me feel sick to my stomach is that it all happened before my little girl was born. Losing her would put my world into a spin that I'm not sure I could stomach.

 

I really don't know what is the correct way to go

[donewrong88]

My mind is going mad, back and forth.

 

Do I continue our family in the safe knowledge my little girl can grow in a "happy" family or do I risk fracturing it all by owning up. My little girl is my life since she's come into this world. Everything I've done is before we even knew about her.

 

Since I joined this forum and started the thoughts and potential decisions she's noticed a change in me. I can't say that I feel like I've acted in a Serrano way but she has noticed I'm not myself and continuously mentions it.

 

So.....ok if I drop the cataclysmic shell - how do I go about it? I just honestly don't know the best way.

 

I'm going away for a work course at the end of April after which I'm going to confess or carry on my life no matter how much it hurts me inside by holding onto the truth.

 

I love my girls more than life itself and if I can't find the right way of telling my wife then I won't. I don't want to see her in a world of hurt and would rather suffer inside than let her deal with it.

 

Thanks Again

DW

Edited March 28, 2017 by donewrong88

[NTV]

Ah. Dramatics and theatrics. Journal helps me when my mind is spinning but the spin starts to teeter. Something about seeing my own thoughts written down in my own hand about confronting them allows me to reorient myself.

 

Can you try that?

[Mr. Lucky]

Clarification of paternity is truth.

 

It also informs should someone else claim to be the bio-dad down the road. Or if the marital refuse hits the fan, his wife claiming his daughter isn't his.

 

Knowledge is power and, with very few exceptions, knowing trumps not knowing...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Jazz75]

I honestly cannot see what you have to gain by "confessing" at this late stage. If, as you say, you are a changed person now, and if there is no chance of your wife finding out about your so far "unconfessed" discretions, why risk it? You might think you would feel better if you confessed, but it could turn out to be the most hurtful thing you could do (apart from having got drunk and been stupid and selfish in the first place). Some secrets are best left as secrets, and that applies to the genetic makeup of your daughter too.

However, if on the other hand there is a strong possibility that you past flings could somehow come to light after 8 years, Then it might be sensible to weigh the relative risks involved in each course of action. Only you can make the decision, but think it all out carefully before you jump in and perhaps wreck your marriage for good.

[mikeylo]

I also don't think you should tell your wife unless you feel your past is going to show up itself. In either case , her world will crash. Your daughter is too young to understand. Maybe do some church work for repentance or use all your positive energy in your wife and little girl ? She needs a dotting dad. Become her hero! A dad she can be proud of and wants to flaunt.

 

Other women who throw themselves on a taken man have loose character. Stay away. They want you to be a cheater.

[BluesPower]

You do realize that your wife was cheating on you when you deployed, right?

 

You do not really believe that she was not sleeping with this guy for a while before and after you got back?

 

And you also want to be in denial about whether or not you daughter is yours or not? I know it won't make you love her less, but you need to know what is going on.

 

If she is not yours, it is a different conversation than just confessing your infidelities.

 

Also, there is a lot to talk about if you are not her father.

 

I am not sure that I understand where your head is at with all this. You think you want to confess but you don't want to know the paternity of your daughter. You know she cheated, many many times while you were gone and you are upset because you slept with three other women?

 

Can you address your thinking about all this?

[donewrong88]

I also don't think you should tell your wife unless you feel your past is going to show up itself. In either case , her world will crash. Your daughter is too young to understand. Maybe do some church work for repentance or use all your positive energy in your wife and little girl ? She needs a dotting dad. Become her hero! A dad she can be proud of and wants to flaunt.

 

Other women who throw themselves on a taken man have loose character. Stay away. They want you to be a cheater.

 

Thank you, wholeheartedly. Without sounding like every other person who's "made mistakes". They are both my world and for them to not be in it would send me into a hole. My little girl - she is my light. When I'm not with her I just count down the minutes to having her back on my lap or in my arms.

 

I just feel would it be harder to continue like this further down the line, and then be back to square one with it being longer I've held onto it all inside. Church work could be a "way" to prove I have changed, I do wish to move on but without making the losing of my two girls the fallout of my mistakes.

[somanymistakes]

You do realize that your wife was cheating on you when you deployed, right?

 

You do not really believe that she was not sleeping with this guy for a while before and after you got back?

 

And you also want to be in denial about whether or not you daughter is yours or not? I know it won't make you love her less, but you need to know what is going on.

 

If she is not yours, it is a different conversation than just confessing your infidelities.

 

Also, there is a lot to talk about if you are not her father.

 

I am not sure that I understand where your head is at with all this. You think you want to confess but you don't want to know the paternity of your daughter. You know she cheated, many many times while you were gone and you are upset because you slept with three other women?

 

Can you address your thinking about all this?

 

She is his child regardless of the genetics.

 

If you prove she's genetically his child, that proves NOTHING about whether the wife had a physical affair or not. She still might have. There's no peace of mind to be found there.

 

If you prove she's genetically not his child, that casts a shadow on their relationship forever, for something that was absolutely not the child's fault! Those of you who are pushing for the test and saying it changes everything - would you abandon a little girl who is utterly dependent on you for affection and support, solely because of something she had nothing to do with?

 

The only times a paternity test on a child should be done, IMO, is:

- when the baby is born, if it was in question beforehand

- when someone shows up out of the blue with a kid and claims it's yours

- when it's medically relevant for the child to know

 

Even thinking about this is putting an unfair burden on an innocent child, acting like she's a possession that can be traded or given away.

 

And no, OP, I don't think you're thinking that way at all, so far you come across like a loving father. It really upsets me that people are pushing down this avenue.

 

I admit I may be oversensitive on this subject because I'm the child of divorced parents. My parentage was never in question that I know of but... god. I would never, ever have forgiven him. The situation was bad enough as it was. If he'd pulled an "I'm leaving because she's not my real child" it would have turned me suicidal.

[Mr. Lucky]

Those of you who are pushing for the test and saying it changes everything - would you abandon a little girl who is utterly dependent on you for affection and support, solely because of something she had nothing to do with?

 

Slow down Sparky!

 

Who said testing had anything to do with abandonment? There are reasons ranging from medical to legal as to why the OP should clear this up. None of those reasons have anything to do with the love he feels for his child or the life he's committed to provide her.

 

You're conflating two separate things...

 

Mr. Lucky

[NTV]

She is his child regardless of the genetics.

 

If you prove she's genetically his child, that proves NOTHING about whether the wife had a physical affair or not. She still might have. There's no peace of mind to be found there.

 

If you prove she's genetically not his child, that casts a shadow on their relationship forever, for something that was absolutely not the child's fault! Those of you who are pushing for the test and saying it changes everything - would you abandon a little girl who is utterly dependent on you for affection and support, solely because of something she had nothing to do with?

 

The only times a paternity test on a child should be done, IMO, is:

- when the baby is born, if it was in question beforehand

- when someone shows up out of the blue with a kid and claims it's yours

- when it's medically relevant for the child to know

 

Even thinking about this is putting an unfair burden on an innocent child, acting like she's a possession that can be traded or given away.

 

And no, OP, I don't think you're thinking that way at all, so far you come across like a loving father. It really upsets me that people are pushing down this avenue.

 

I admit I may be oversensitive on this subject because I'm the child of divorced parents. My parentage was never in question that I know of but... god. I would never, ever have forgiven him. The situation was bad enough as it was. If he'd pulled an "I'm leaving because she's not my real child" it would have turned me suicidal.

 

I see where you're coming from but I think you're missing a couple of valuable pieces why we're suggesting it.

 

One of the biggest things it does is put a parameter on the lies. A second thing it does is resolve doubts. Based on his time lines it's very very likely his biological daughter. If it's not then the level of betrayal committed by his wife is so great that it would impact his desire to stay married versus getting divorced.

 

In no way shape or format am I suggesting that the results effect his relationship with her. If anything based on what he's said if he wasn't the biological father his love for his daughter couldn't be changed.

 

I wish the same could be said about every father.

 

The ultimate goal of testing is to negate any doubts he might have in that respect. Being military myself I know doubts can kill. You doubt your orders and underexecute in combat and... well he knows what might happen.

 

He came here struggling with the guilt and shame of a lie even knowing about reciprocal lies. Struggling with that shows that he has a conscious. Honor doesn't always mean doing the right thing. It means desire, intent, and true effort to do the right thing. And if that means communicating prior sins to those wronged and asking for forgiveness well that's what it means.

 

But there is a time to do that. I wouldn't recommend he tell his wife about the lies without knowing any more than I would recommend telling his wife at a huge family reunion. Without removing potential doubt HE simply isn't really ready to tell her..

[donewrong88]

You do realize that your wife was cheating on you when you deployed, right?

 

I dont believe she was. They met whilst I was away, as far as I can remember

 

You do not really believe that she was not sleeping with this guy for a while before and after you got back?

 

It got brought up once I found he bought her gifts, sending her random text messages. May I add I found nothing sexual in the messages....again for all I know they could've been deleted depending on the content

 

I am not sure that I understand where your head is at with all this.

 

Your right I don't, hence why I'm on here talking and speaking my mind whilst taking yours and everyone else's opinion on my mistakes and problems

 

 

If what your saying is true, and bearing in mind I told her about one of my mistakes, at around the same time she was "friends". Would she not of confessed when I did? To kind of stop me having a reaction because what I just told her?

[BluesPower]

Brother, it does not work that way. Even.

 

A cheater like your wife, would not spill the beans because you told her something. It made her maybe have less guilt but she would not tell you.

 

Men do not buy women gifts for no reason. You really need to try and get your head straight about this stuff. I know it is hard but when you find out the truth about her, it will send you over the edge since by that time you will have worked so hard to put the possibility out of your mind.

 

I and the people on this board have lots of experience with infidelity. I for example, have never been wrong about any call I have made on a thread, not one time, ever. Maybe yours will be the first one.

 

I encourage you to think about what I am telling you.

 

Good luck...

[donewrong88]

Brother, it does not work that way. Even.

 

A cheater like your wife, would not spill the beans because you told her something. It made her maybe have less guilt but she would not tell you.

 

Men do not buy women gifts for no reason. You really need to try and get your head straight about this stuff. I know it is hard but when you find out the truth about her, it will send you over the edge since by that time you will have worked so hard to put the possibility out of your mind.

 

I and the people on this board have lots of experience with infidelity. I for example, have never been wrong about any call I have made on a thread, not one time, ever. Maybe yours will be the first one.

 

I encourage you to think about what I am telling you.

 

Good luck...

 

I will. Appreciate your honesty pal. As I appreciate everyone's advice on here, no matter whether it conflicts or deviates from each others opinion. Everything everyone is saying or said is taken on board.

 

This however doesn't suggest I'm not open to more advice from the massive experience from this forum and I welcome it if anything.

[NTV]

I was thinking about this later and I really do recommend starting a journal if you haven't already. It's easy to get advice and we're probably not the only source of it for you. But often times I already have a plan of action ready and am just waiting for confirmation. Journaling helps me realize when that's the case.

[Got it]

First, you need IC. You have a drinking problem and an accountability problem that you need to get a handle on. You are not owning what you did, you are just a victim in the blacking out stupor. BS. Unless raped you are making the decisions to cheat and you have done it numerous times and show no changes that you couldn't do it again.

 

So that alone needs to be focused on for your daughter's sake.

 

Second, then talk to the therapist about the undisclosed episode and have them help you with how you would tell your wife. The therapist office can be a safe place to tell this and the therapist can help your wife in receiving it. They can also help with next steps.

 

Third, if you want to pursue because you have concerned, in the therapist office bring up her friendship and whether or not she was cheating. You can bring up testing your daughter.

 

You telling should NOT be predicated on whether or not your wife cheated. You are wanting to tell her because you are wanting to be authentic, honest, and transparent. So her behaviors would not dictate whether or not you disclose. Ultimately you are confessing for you and what you think is best for you and your marriage.

 

Some people would prefer you didn't tell, some would never want it hidden. If you don't tell, it is hanging over your head and could be discovered at any point. So I am assuming you are wanting to be free of this possibility/fear.

 

Work on the drinking and self accountability first.

[donewrong88]

First, you need IC. You have a drinking problem and an accountability problem that you need to get a handle on. You are not owning what you did, you are just a victim in the blacking out stupor. BS. Unless raped you are making the decisions to cheat and you have done it numerous times and show no changes that you couldn't do it again.

 

BS? Have I denied anything? I've just clearly stated I wasn't sober me when any of these took place. That isn't denying that's just stating the situation as it was. 8 years and 5 years respectively, not suggesting I should be forgive because it's been so long just that if I was going to continue doing it I wouldn't keep myself away from going out and getting drunk without my wife around as do I currently.

 

To be perfectly honest, I don't drink much anymore. I focus on my fitness and keeping heathy. Occasionally I have a drink but I don't go out and do it. So if keeping myself away from the wrong situations to begin with isn't showing I'm making amends and avoiding the wrong people - I'm not sure what is

 

So that alone needs to be focused on for your daughter's sake.

 

I think I've made it quite clear how much my daughter means to me, if she's mine or not

 

Second, then talk to the therapist about the undisclosed episode and have them help you with how you would tell your wife. The therapist office can be a safe place to tell this and the therapist can help your wife in receiving it. They can also help with next steps.

 

Third, if you want to pursue because you have concerned, in the therapist office bring up her friendship and whether or not she was cheating. You can bring up testing your daughter.

 

You telling should NOT be predicated on whether or not your wife cheated. You are wanting to tell her because you are wanting to be authentic, honest, and transparent. So her behaviors would not dictate whether or not you disclose. Ultimately you are confessing for you and what you think is best for you and your marriage.

 

No her behaviours have no influence on me telling her or not

 

Some people would prefer you didn't tell, some would never want it hidden. If you don't tell, it is hanging over your head and could be discovered at any point. So I am assuming you are wanting to be free of this possibility/fear.

 

If I own up, it's not because it'll catch up on me it's because I want to move forward honestly. Like I said I barely remember 3 of them

 

Work on the drinking and self accountability first.

 

 

Thanks for your comments