Long term relationship feeling more like roomies

[greatautomator]

Here are some thoughts on my current relationship and how I feel. Marvin and I have been together for 8 years and known each other for almost 14 years. Between the ages of 18 to 22 I divulged in terrible one night stands, party nights and bad boyfriends. I finally decided that I should ask Marvin out when I was 23. So I did. We went slow with everything. We never truly had a ‘honeymoon’ phase and we have never been passionate together as far as I can remember. But we get along so well. We can chat all night long, When we first got together, we loved the same music and had many of the same interests. We both were not ready to get married or have children. I am not sure that I feel the same way anymore about that. Sometimes I feel like I want to get married, I want to have kids and sometimes I don’t.

 

I think where I get frustrated with Marvin is that he has told me he doesn’t want kids. He wants to be able to travel and do whatever he wants without being tied down with kids. Which I completely understand. But it’s the unwillingness that bothers me most. He won’t even listen to my perspective about it. And then when he does, he goes, this isn’t the person I know and met 8 years ago! Or something like that. He also has a bit of drinking problem and can be a giant ass when he's drunk. He can chronic pain and takes narcotics for it with very little relief - this is difficult.

 

I thought that I enjoyed being in a relationship for a long time. ‘Oh, I am so lucky to have such a good mate.’ And in many ways, I am lucky – he does take care of me. He cooks for me, cleans the dishes and helps out around the house. Does this make me love him more? I don’t really know.

 

When I get right down to it, if I am going to be invested into a relationship like this one, I want some kind of passion! I want to love him like I give a ****!

 

But just because he takes care of me, doesn’t mean I should stay with him. I love him like I love my brother or a roommate, but unfortunately, that means that I am no longer sexually attracted him. I do not want to get primal with him in any way anymore. I am sad about this and not sure how to change things.

 

I know I need to speak with him, but I wanted to post here first to see what others have gone through, to seek advice from those who have been in relationships like mine. Overall - he is a good person, but I am at a point where I am longer trusting myself to continue to do the right thing. and if the right fellow comes along, I am afraid I could do the worst thing ever, which is cheating on him.

 

Does anyone have any advice for me? I am 30 years old and have an excellent career and I can definitely take care of myself.

[somanymistakes]

Kids is one of those things it's very hard to change someone else's mind on. It's a huge decision that really changes your life. It's not like going to the ballet where he can just go along with it once to see what it's like, so he probably sees no point in your perspective. He doesn't want to do it, and there's no halfway.

[Mr. Lucky]

I think where I get frustrated with Marvin is that he has told me he doesn’t want kids. He wants to be able to travel and do whatever he wants without being tied down with kids. Which I completely understand. But it’s the unwillingness that bothers me most. He won’t even listen to my perspective about it. And then when he does, he goes, this isn’t the person I know and met 8 years ago! Or something like that. He also has a bit of drinking problem and can be a giant ass when he's drunk. He can chronic pain and takes narcotics for it with very little relief - this is difficult.

 

I thought that I enjoyed being in a relationship for a long time. ‘Oh, I am so lucky to have such a good mate.’ And in many ways, I am lucky – he does take care of me. He cooks for me, cleans the dishes and helps out around the house. Does this make me love him more? I don’t really know.

 

When I get right down to it, if I am going to be invested into a relationship like this one, I want some kind of passion! I want to love him like I give a ****!

 

But just because he takes care of me, doesn’t mean I should stay with him. I love him like I love my brother or a roommate, but unfortunately, that means that I am no longer sexually attracted him. I do not want to get primal with him in any way anymore. I am sad about this and not sure how to change things.

 

At least 3 very different and significant problems here:

 

- You don't agree on kids

- You feel the thrill is gone - and maybe was never there

- You're in a relationship with someone on the border of a drug/alcohol problem

 

Since any one of those is enough to derail the prospects of a successful marriage, I wouldn't consider walking down the aisle with "Marvin" with these clouds hanging over your head. Your can get a maid to cook, "clean the dishes and help out around the house". I'd set the bar higher when looking for a lifetime partner...

 

Mr. Lucky

[NTV]

Is there some one that you're starting to develop feelings for?

[oldshirt]

Just because he is a good guy, that doesn't mean that he is the right one for you.

 

The whole purpose of dating is to spend time with someone to get to know them and see if they are the right match for you and have compatible life-goals, values, interests, temperments and if you get along with them well enough to continue forward with them.

 

As Mr Lucky pointed out, you have at least 3 very legitimate deal breakers. Each in their own right is a valid reason to discontinue the relationship and go back on the dating market.

 

Think of dating like an interview and probationary period for filling a job vacancy. Each party can ask questions and discuss the roles and job descriptions and a probationary period can be entered where each party can evaluate if it is a good fit for them. If it isn't a good fit, then either party can terminate the probationary period without repercussion and go back to looking for another job or looking for another candidate to fill the position.

 

the fact that the job and the candidate did not click is not a representation that either one is bad or did anything wrong. Just that it was not a good fit.

[greatautomator]

Is there some one that you're starting to develop feelings for?

 

Yes, I have met someone else but have kept it professional as I used to work with him. I can't help but feel like there is something there. So having these feelings I am sure is what is making me reconsider my current relationship. But I also feel like I have been reconsidering it for some time.

[greatautomator]

At least 3 very different and significant problems here:

 

- You don't agree on kids

- You feel the thrill is gone - and maybe was never there

- You're in a relationship with someone on the border of a drug/alcohol problem

 

Since any one of those is enough to derail the prospects of a successful marriage, I wouldn't consider walking down the aisle with "Marvin" with these clouds hanging over your head. Your can get a maid to cook, "clean the dishes and help out around the house". I'd set the bar higher when looking for a lifetime partner...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I do agree with you on these points and these are things that have changed since we originally met. Our relationship is also sex less which is also another reason why I'm becoming less and less interested in being with him.

[greatautomator]

Just because he is a good guy, that doesn't mean that he is the right one for you.

 

The whole purpose of dating is to spend time with someone to get to know them and see if they are the right match for you and have compatible life-goals, values, interests, temperments and if you get along with them well enough to continue forward with them.

 

As Mr Lucky pointed out, you have at least 3 very legitimate deal breakers. Each in their own right is a valid reason to discontinue the relationship and go back on the dating market.

 

Think of dating like an interview and probationary period for filling a job vacancy. Each party can ask questions and discuss the roles and job descriptions and a probationary period can be entered where each party can evaluate if it is a good fit for them. If it isn't a good fit, then either party can terminate the probationary period without repercussion and go back to looking for another job or looking for another candidate to fill the position.

 

the fact that the job and the candidate did not click is not a representation that either one is bad or did anything wrong. Just that it was not a good fit.

 

 

Thsee are also excellent points. Sometimes relationships just don't make it. For me the most significant thing is the drug and alcohol use when it comes to the daily life and living. The kids thing I don't really blame him, I went into a relationship knowing he never wanted kids. But I changed. And he won't.

[greatautomator]

Kids is one of those things it's very hard to change someone else's mind on. It's a huge decision that really changes your life. It's not like going to the ballet where he can just go along with it once to see what it's like, so he probably sees no point in your perspective. He doesn't want to do it, and there's no halfway.

 

You are so right about that. I am certainly not wanting to convince him that he should - I don't want to have kids and then not have him into it 100%, but it's certainly leading me down the road to leaving him

[Imajerk17]

Whether the two of you agree about whether you want kids is immaterial at this point (and in fairness to Marvin, YOU were the one who changed your mind), because there are more immediate issues that should really be deal-breakers.

 

1. You aren't feeling it for Marvin as you should be for someone to be your husband, to be presumably the **last person you ever have sex with**.

 

2. Marvin's drug and alcohol problem.

 

Look, you are young (30) and highly successful career-wise, there are a lot of men whose life goals are more in line w yours and who would love to date you.

Edited March 28, 2017 by Imajerk17

[Els]

Your relationship puzzles me, to be honest. I've heard of people staying with incompatible partners because they're unfortunately very attracted to them. And I've heard of people staying with partners whom they aren't very attracted to just because that person makes a compatible partner - shares their goals in life, mindset, etc. But you are one of the rare few people who stays with a person whom you are not attracted to AND is incompatible with you. Why???

 

You should really leave.

[NTV]

Yes, I have met someone else but have kept it professional as I used to work with him. I can't help but feel like there is something there. So having these feelings I am sure is what is making me reconsider my current relationship. But I also feel like I have been reconsidering it for some time.

 

Those feelings are a distraction. I would eliminate those first. Even if your decision is to leave your hisband.l you don't want to immediately start a new relationship without processing the last one. Ya know?

[greatautomator]

Your relationship puzzles me, to be honest. I've heard of people staying with incompatible partners because they're unfortunately very attracted to them. And I've heard of people staying with partners whom they aren't very attracted to just because that person makes a compatible partner - shares their goals in life, mindset, etc. But you are one of the rare few people who stays with a person whom you are not attracted to AND is incompatible with you. Why???

 

You should really leave.

 

I do think you are right for the most part. There was a time when I was attracted to him. and there also was a time when we were both on the same page about things. I have changed/grown and he has not. and that is really where we are right now. I think also you get so comfortable in the relationship that you are in when you own a home together and have a dog, it makes the decision-making process a bit more difficult. but I need to separate these things out and make a clear decision. Which is seemingly feeling a bit clearer now after getting some responses from people. So thank you!

[greatautomator]

Those feelings are a distraction. I would eliminate those first. Even if your decision is to leave your hisband.l you don't want to immediately start a new relationship without processing the last one. Ya know?

 

You are so right about this. But it's easy to say and another thing to actually do. I will think about this whole-heartedly.

[Mr. Lucky]

Our relationship is also sex less which is also another reason why I'm becoming less and less interested in being with him.

 

Well, that promotes you to the Grand Slam level of reasons not to go forward in this relationship...

 

Mr. Lucky

[NTV]

You are so right about this. But it's easy to say and another thing to actually do. I will think about this whole-heartedly.

 

If you can't give the other guy up at least tell hubby. It's not fair to compare the two if they don't know they're in competition.