MM divorced his wife, then dumped me too

[Tiredgirl941]

I'm reeling. MM left his wife and bought a new house a few months ago. I was in the process of leaving my husband. We were crazy in love and planning a future together.

Suddenly he started going cold. Talking about the stress of being in a public relationship with me (there had been rumours about us and he was super stressed about his ex realizing they were true if we ever went public).

Worried about friends and colleagues judging him. Saying the stress of the idea of being public was killing him.

Then he just cut it off.

How do you go from over the moon in love, leaving your wife for someone, to just dumping them in cold blood? I'm in shock and the pain is so cutting.

He says he wants to be friends but I think he just does not want me to hate him.

He never reaches out first and gets angry if I bring up how I'm feeling.

What do I do friends? I feel like I'm going to die.

[NTV]

Have you been to counseling yet?

[central]

You were in love, but he may not have been, and just saying so to keep things going. When he freed himself, he may have thought he could do even better - or at least play the field while he figured it out. I'm sorry you're going through this, but all you can really do is take time to heal, and then move on.

Edited March 28, 2017 by central

[Ruffian1]

Well, now that he is divorced, he can play the field. He has a lot of new options.

 

And I am sure there is some truth and honesty about feeling judged and embarrassed about going public with you.

 

Perhaps he was just using you and just future faked you.

 

And he will judge you for being with a MM (him) but that same negative judgement does not apply to him, being a cheater.

[harrybrown]

how is your H doing with your A?

 

are you helping him with the rejection you gave him from your A?

[aileD]

Most of that intense love feeling was probably due to the fact that it was in secret. For him anyway. Now reality? Nope.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

What do you mean "dumping in cold bloood"....

 

Isn't that what he did to his wife?

You shouldn't be so surprised - you of all people knew what he was capable of.

 

I think you're way more invested in the relationship than he was... plus, he's single now. You're not. He probably just wants to see what's out there instead of being tied down to an attached woman.

 

Time to move on

 

ETA - he wants to be friend to placate you... he's worried about his image and you blowing everything up, so maintaining the "friendship" line is an attempt to do damage control and preserve his image.

Edited March 28, 2017 by ThatsJustHowIRoll

[Imajerk17]

Let me get this straight: You cheated on your husband, and then your AP dumps you. Sounds to me that you just got hit by the Kharma Bus.

[BuddyX]

You weren't the only OM on the side.

[whichwayisup]

The kindest thing you can for your husband is follow through on your own divorce and then be on your own. Get counseling and heal.

 

Forget the MM/exMM, he's chosen to be on his own after divorcing his wife. Sounds like an exit affair. Don't chase him either. No friendship or anything, go NC.

[Jj66]

Isn't this what usually happens? What makes you think your affair would be different?

[bathtub-row]

Wow! What a grade-A jerk. I know you're feeling blindsided but I suppose it's better to find out now than later. Now, if he waffles in about 3 mos and wants you back, I hope you won't even give him the time of day.

 

If I were you, I'd take a real lesson from this and try to repair my marriage. xMM has proven to you what he's made of. His actions tell you everything you need to know about him.

[freengreen]

He didnt leave his wife for you... he left for his own self. May be you were his exit affair, now that he did... he is looking for singles, why settle for one married women when he is now free to do lots?

 

He is free to chose you but still he didnt, there isnt any bigger red flag than this... get away from him forver...all this is so unfair to your spouse.

Edited March 28, 2017 by freengreen

[Tiredgirl941]

Thanks everyone who took the time to reply. I should clarify that my marriage was already over due to infidelity (his) and we were separating when it started. Thank god there are no kids involved on either side. The fact that he didn't choose me is a bitter pill, but I made my bed by getting involved in the first place I suppose. I know this A is just as sordid as any other. We were not special in the end.

It's painful, but it's a lesson. I need to figure out why my response to becoming a BS was to be an OW. It's sick and counterintuitive. I appreciate the support and the 2x4s as well.

[aileD]

I need to figure out why my response to becoming a BS was to be an OW. It's sick and counterintuitive.

 

Yes, this.

 

You just put another woman through exactly what you went thru which was probably the worse pain of your life. Why would you do that? It's a good thing to explore in therapy

[BaileyB]

Never trust a man who will lie and cheat... Because if he will do it to another woman, he will do it to you.

 

I'm sorry for your pain. But, learn from this. Be careful who you trust.

[somanymistakes]

Interestingly when we get cheating husbands posting in other parts of the forum about "should I leave my wife for my OW" one of the most common things people say to them is that they should dump both women and be on their own, at least for a while.

 

The motivation seems to be some combination of "you're a cheater so you don't deserve to have any relationship" and "you are a mess and need alone-time to take stock of yourself and figure out what you want so you don't screw up again"

 

From that perspective it's sort of funny to see the reactions here being all about "oh, it just proves he's awful".

[stillafool]

Interestingly when we get cheating husbands posting in other parts of the forum about "should I leave my wife for my OW" one of the most common things people say to them is that they should dump both women and be on their own, at least for a while.

 

The motivation seems to be some combination of "you're a cheater so you don't deserve to have any relationship" and "you are a mess and need alone-time to take stock of yourself and figure out what you want so you don't screw up again"

 

From that perspective it's sort of funny to see the reactions here being all about "oh, it just proves he's awful".

 

That's because people don't want to hold women up to the same standards as they do men. I know, it's not fair.

[aileD]

Interestingly when we get cheating husbands posting in other parts of the forum about "should I leave my wife for my OW" one of the most common things people say to them is that they should dump both women and be on their own, at least for a while.

 

The motivation seems to be some combination of "you're a cheater so you don't deserve to have any relationship" and "you are a mess and need alone-time to take stock of yourself and figure out what you want so you don't screw up again"

 

From that perspective it's sort of funny to see the reactions here being all about "oh, it just proves he's awful".

 

That's because you're giving advice to two different people. If you're talking to the man cheater,yes the best thing would be for him to drop both women and be alone to figure himself out.

 

When you're talking to the woman he dumped, you're going to give her advice that it's not a healthy relationship anyway, she was lead on and used and to move on.

 

Both are true.

[BuddyX]

My advice is always the same for both sexes and both sides; take time off, be alone, and figure out who you are. It's that simple.

[Southern Sun]

Obviously we have examples on this board proving otherwise, but USUALLY the people we end up with in an affair are not who we would choose if we were single and had options. Our affair partners are more often chosen by our circumstances and, especially when both are married, two people willing to betray their current spouses, to conspire together, who find that specific thing in common.

 

If you were single/already divorced, doing well, feeling good about yourself, would you have chosen that married man?

 

For some reason he is now thinking that he has other choices available to him. You two no longer have the "our marriages both suck" issue in common.

 

Him feeling embarrassed about going public with an AP is a real issue. I do believe though, that if he REALLY wanted to make it work, he would stand up for the relationship and find a way. Don't you? I mean, he was right there with you in the affair, so bailing now seems pretty cowardly.

 

I would not view him as a friend at all.

[bathtub-row]

That's because people don't want to hold women up to the same standards as they do men. I know, it's not fair.

 

I think, in those cases, it has more to do with the idea that the man is actually cheating on someone he made a promise to and, typically, the OW doesn't have a spouse. She's not cheating on someone she made a vow to. Not saying that helping the MM cheat is a great thing to do, but his choices on a different scale than hers. He made a decision to lie to and deceive someone he lives with on a daily basis. The single OW is not doing that; she doesn't have a relationship with the MM's wife. When the OW does have a husband then, yes, it's the same "crime", so to speak.

 

In the case of this OW, the thing that makes this OM a jerk is that he led the OW on. It's not relevant if he did that to anyone else. From her perspective, he hurt her. Period.

 

But, yes, I think it's always best to be alone for awhile before diving into the next relationship. Her xMM could've handled this in a different way, though.

Edited March 28, 2017 by bathtub-row

[Birdies]

A lot of (or almost all) affairs feed of the secrecy and the heightened passion and intensity that it brings. A regular relationship with all the bumps and warts can seem unappealing in comparison. In addition, the exposure associated with having your affair exposed and being "outed" to the world IS rough. It's terrible. Really really terrible. Not undeservedly, of course, but rough nonetheless. So while you must feel really decieved and i emphathize with, his reaction is not entirely unexpected. It's really tough because someone who wants to leave their marriage and be with you, can seem EXACTLY like someone who is only saying that, or someone who will eventually get cold feet.

 

Good luck exploring how to be on your own and why you made the choices you did. I'm glad you want to get into therapy, that's key. Hugs.

 

And ignore the pointlessly nasty comments. I understand the harsh but helpful truth ones, but some people have nothing better to do than use this forum to take out their anger about their own life on OW/OMs they've never met Or revel in their own superiority through being judgemental

Edited March 28, 2017 by Birdies

[deadsoul]

Thanks everyone who took the time to reply. I should clarify that my marriage was already over due to infidelity (his) and we were separating when it started. Thank god there are no kids involved on either side. The fact that he didn't choose me is a bitter pill, but I made my bed by getting involved in the first place I suppose. I know this A is just as sordid as any other. We were not special in the end.

It's painful, but it's a lesson. I need to figure out why my response to becoming a BS was to be an OW. It's sick and counterintuitive. I appreciate the support and the 2x4s as well.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this. It's tough. I agree with the others on therapy. It's my go-to advice since that's what I'm doing. ;-)

 

Good luck and keep posting. It truly does help.

[deadsoul]

Interestingly when we get cheating husbands posting in other parts of the forum about "should I leave my wife for my OW" one of the most common things people say to them is that they should dump both women and be on their own, at least for a while.

 

The motivation seems to be some combination of "you're a cheater so you don't deserve to have any relationship" and "you are a mess and need alone-time to take stock of yourself and figure out what you want so you don't screw up again"

 

From that perspective it's sort of funny to see the reactions here being all about "oh, it just proves he's awful".

 

Very good point... But this guy dumped her "in cold blood." Maybe if she elaborated on that more, we'd understand more.

 

But I was sitting here thinking this guy shouldn't go right into another relationship, that he needs some time on his own. But maybe he wasn't nice about how he expressed that? I don't know.