MM divorced his wife, then dumped me too

[Tiredgirl941]

Thank you Birdies and everyone. All I can see right now is that he was too much of a coward to stare down the haters and be with me. That he chose his reputation over me.

It helps to know that other people do view his concerns as valid.

Hard to see his point of view when you are wallowing in misery, know what I mean?

Bracing myself for no contact and all the weak ass moments that will come with it.

As for my comment about in cold blood, one day he was sending me real estate listings of our dream house, and a week later it was "I can't do this anymore". And "let's be friends" but zero effort.

He's done and I need to just accept it and pick up the pieces.

My dream house money can go to therapy bills instead!

This forum is a godsend, thank you so much everyone.

[sandylee1]

I think the reputation thing is a genuine issue for many people. They don't want to look bad to others and much as one can say ignore them or that they don't care about being judged. ...The reality is that most of us do care about being judged.

 

We all crave acceptance to some degree and the possibility is that a new relationship, built on truth and honestly is more appealing than the stress both APs may have to endure.

[bathtub-row]

I think the reputation thing is a genuine issue for many people. They don't want to look bad to others and much as one can say ignore them or that they don't care about being judged. ...The reality is that most of us do care about being judged.

 

We all crave acceptance to some degree and the possibility is that a new relationship, built on truth and honestly is more appealing than the stress both APs may have to endure.

 

I think that's true. But him sending her pics of their dream house one week, and ending it the next is pretty awful.

[jenkins95]

I think, in those cases, it has more to do with the idea that the man is actually cheating on someone he made a promise to and, typically, the OW doesn't have a spouse. She's not cheating on someone she made a vow to. Not saying that helping the MM cheat is a great thing to do, but his choices on a different scale than hers. He made a decision to lie to and deceive someone he lives with on a daily basis. The single OW is not doing that; she doesn't have a relationship with the MM's wife. When the OW does have a husband then, yes, it's the same "crime", so to speak.

 

Yes, this is how I felt - and still feel. We (the OW and I) were both the bad guys......but I was the REALLY bad guy, in that I was married, older and had children.

[sandylee1]

I think that's true. But him sending her pics of their dream house one week, and ending it the next is pretty awful.

 

Perhaps he had a moment of self reflection and clarity. It's not any different to being told by your husband he loves you. ..making plans for the future and all the while he's having an A.

 

One needs to accept that for a man capable of deceiving his wife and living a double life, sending a few pics of a dream house is nothing in comparison.

 

It just goes to show how flawed it is. I know a few couples who had affairs and struggled to be accepted as a new couple.

 

They didn't get invited to events and tended to have to make a new set of friends and not mention their history for fear of being judged and the need to be accepted.

[Tiredgirl941]

Update: he is dating a girl in her 20s. We are both in our early 40s. I am sick to my stomach with jealousy and the feeling of being discarded and replaced. Dear god, how does a person get through this. I want to rage at him, but I know that will only make me look crazy and clingy (which I am).

Please help. What do I do? I'm losing my mind.

[somanymistakes]

Okay, I think now we can safely say that he's a total jerk.

 

I'm sorry.

 

Writing down all the angry ragey things you'd love to say to him - but NOT sending them, just sealing them up and setting them aside - might help give you a space to let it out of your system? You have every right to be angry, but raging at him directly would just give him more power over you that he doesn't deserve to have.

[seren]

Tired Girl, I am sorry you are feeling so bad, me, you, everyone else will never know what, why or how he feels or why he chose someone else. We and you can only guess and even then you will not get the answer or closure you need. It is true of some after the affair relationships that when people look for another relationship they choose a new one simply because they do not want to be with the person the cheated with, some may fear being cheated on too, others because it holds a mirror up to their actions and once out of the affair they just don't want an affair to be part of the new relationship history. Maybe.

 

I have listened to and read people who were in an affair and left the marriage and want to start again, a lot end with the affair partner and start with someone new, it's less messy, less judgment, less hassle. What isn't thought of is the rejection both women or men feel, it's all about them, but them having an affair was always all about them anyway.

 

I haven't had an affair, but my H did. I once asked him if I had left him, would he have gone with the OW, he said hell no, he wouldn't have trusted her to not do to him what she did to her H. I told him it was very hypocritical and he admitted that yes, it was, but was the truth. TBH I would have rather he said he would have gone with her as it would at least have explained the potential end of our marriage (we are still together), but he was being honest.

 

What can you do? you ask. I would hang onto your dream house money for your future, recognise that the OM didn't view your relationship after the affair in the same way you did, no matter what he said, he was a practiced liar, anyone who can lie to their spouse who they live with can lie to anyone. I am sorry it hasn't worked out as you were led to believe.It would be trite to say chalk it up to experience, that comes later after you have mourned the end of the relationship, stopped berating yourself for being duped, shifted anger to him for lying and then deciding what next. For now, take it one day at a time, try to move on and make plans for your new life. x

[Southern Sun]

I think it's hard to say and hear the words, "...anyone who can lie to their spouse is a practiced liar..." and therefore in general can't be trusted or didn't feel the same in the A as the other AP.

 

Because really, couldn't at least part of those words apply to the OP herself? Didn't she also lie to her spouse? And yet, here she is, broken-hearted, obviously in love with her former AP, and fully intended to be in a real relationship with him.

 

So sometimes those words come at us and don't jive. They hit funny. It's like, well, I guess we were both lying. That makes us both practiced liars. But was his agenda different the whole time than mine? And sometimes, as seen on this board, two people who initially lied to their spouses CAN end up together and try to make an honest relationship with each other.

 

It's hard.

 

OP...I know you and your AP were about the same age. My xMM and I had an age differential. He was about 14 years older than me. We never made serious plans to be together, but when we talked around it, it certainly crossed my mind that he was realizing his ability to access a "younger model." Age difference or not, people who divorce after an affair (who weren't kicked out by their BSs) must be thinking to some extent that they can 'trade up,' whether with their AP or another. So always, in the back of my mind, was this niggling feeling that he might be thinking, well, I was able to trade up with HER (me). Why not be able to trade up again?

 

I'm not saying I was better than his BS, believe me. I'm talking about HIS wayward mindset.

 

Especially, when wayward men realize they can access the younger set (as xMM did with me), a part of me wondered - if we were to ever be together, would he always be looking at the next age group down? Or just at the next best thing? Would his expectations ever really be met?

 

So very disconcerting and what a terrible way to live. Not that MMs who divorce are unredeemable. But I know mine scared the hell out of me.

[Birdies]

The fastest way to move on will be to block him completely. Don't let him contact you don't share any mutual friends on social media, just cut him out like he cut you out. And try to realize how much of a jerk this shows he is. You dodged a bullet!! ButI'm so sorry, that must feel terrible.

[BuddyX]

Yes block him.

Then, you need a GNO (girls night out). Have fun. Celebrate being single.

[starswewillnavigate]

Southern Sun

 

OP...I know you and your AP were about the same age. My xMM and I had an age differential. He was about 14 years older than me. We never made serious plans to be together, but when we talked around it, it certainly crossed my mind that he was realizing his ability to access a "younger model." Age difference or not, people who divorce after an affair (who weren't kicked out by their BSs) must be thinking to some extent that they can 'trade up,' whether with their AP or another. So always, in the back of my mind, was this niggling feeling that he might be thinking, well, I was able to trade up with HER (me). Why not be able to trade up again?

 

I'm not saying I was better than his BS, believe me. I'm talking about HIS wayward mindset.

 

Especially, when wayward men realize they can access the younger set (as xMM did with me), a part of me wondered - if we were to ever be together, would he always be looking at the next age group down? Or just at the next best thing? Would his expectations ever really be met?

 

Great post. It's that precarious ow position again.

 

One of the most sobering thoughts for me was when I realised that if BS wasnt an issue, I would never be number one (and this is said not wanting to break up a M, just if he suddenly became single) - I'm just Miss Convenient, someone who will put up with being in this situation. It's not about me as a person really, just that I give him an option. He doesn't respect me and I could never be his girl having been his ow.

[BaileyB]

Update: he is dating a girl in her 20s. We are both in our early 40s. I am sick to my stomach with jealousy and the feeling of being discarded and replaced. Dear god, how does a person get through this. I want to rage at him, but I know that will only make me look crazy and clingy (which I am).

Please help. What do I do? I'm losing my mind.

 

I'm sorry. I agree, I think you need a girls night with friends. Take some time alone, go visit a friend somewhere new, and work on letting go...

 

But definitely know, as much as it hurts right now, you dodged a big bullet here! Hopefully, the the man will be the keeper...

[jah526]

I think some people are just addicted to cake. Try feeling sorry for new cake, as even better replacement cake will come along one day. These people (I believe they are narcissists and - the most honest thing MM ever said to me - crave attention) will always be wearing cake goggles.

[Birdies]

oops duplicate post

Edited March 29, 2017 by Birdies

[stillafool]

Men especially after a divorce want the hottest thing they can find because that is what they have been fantasizing about anyway and no one fits that bill like a young woman in her 20's. I bet his ex wife isn't surprised one bit by his choice. I hope she is getting it on with a hot 20 something year old as well.

OP the only thing you can do is stay NC if he's even trying to contact you which I doubt and maybe seek therapy to get over this man.

[Tiredgirl941]

Men especially after a divorce want the hottest thing they can find because that is what they have been fantasizing about anyway and no one fits that bill like a young woman in her 20's. I bet his ex wife isn't surprised one bit by his choice. I hope she is getting it on with a hot 20 something year old as well.

OP the only thing you can do is stay NC if he's even trying to contact you which I doubt and maybe seek therapy to get over this man.

 

You are right he's not trying to contact me. There is particularily sharp edge to going NC with someone who is not even trying to reach out to you in the first place.

If I contact him he responds, but only benign topics. Anything about how I'm feeling makes him angry. I need to just stop and try to scrape my dignity off the floor.

The worst part is that if he texted me right now saying it was a mistake and he wants me back, I would go running. I've never felt this weak and disempowered in my life, even when I found out about my husband's A. I'm sitting here waiting for that text that will make the pain go away, like a heroin addict waiting for a fix. You know its bad for you but you still want it.

 

Maybe I should say all the things I want to say to him here instead. I feel like showing him my pain will feed his ego and prove to him that he made the right choice in casting off the needy woman.

 

Thank you so much everyone for your replies. They help so much. Please please keep the wise words coming.

 

Any tips for maintaining NC appreciated too.

[imsosad]

I'm sorry for your pain.

May I ask, did your ex husband end up with his AP?

I'm asking because something about the way you write makes me think maybe you're dealing with your husband's infidelity and your divorce through this affair.

For instance, maybe MM was supposed to correct the wrong your husband has done to you?

No Contact is without a shadow of a doubt the way to go for you. NC is not about him, it's about you.

I know you're trying to get in to his head and figure out what's going on there, and NC is supposed to help you get back in to your own mind. It's hard enough to understand ourselves, it's next to impossible to figure out someone else on our own.

I don't know what makes him behave this way towards you, but it's pretty clear he is not interested in carrying on any type of relationship with you. I'd guess he is replying so you don't out him as a cheater now and mess up his R with his ex and his reputation.

Keep your dignity, stay away.

I think there is no point in sharing your pain with him. He doesn't care. Best case scenario it will slide by him, worst case he'll get an ego kick out of it. So much to lose, nothing to gain.

Taking the high road is so much harder, but if you keep your self respect and dignity you will never regret it.

Some tough times ahead for you, but stick to NC and with time (and hopefully,therapy) you will be back on your feet and going towards a bright future. You will not be feeling this way forever, push through and you'll be fine.

[whichwayisup]

The opening post on this thread hopefully will help you and keep you in NC mode.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/337989-no-contact-nc-guide-long-walk-consolidated-discussion

[jah526]

Any tips for maintaining NC appreciated too.

 

I've been mostly NC for about 3 months now. The few times I've interacted with him have usually caused some form of pain for me. So now I like to think of him as a scorpion, and keep in mind that every time I go near him I'm going to get stung.

 

The first month was excruciating. I really felt like I was going crazy and it felt like a physical withdrawal. I did get some counseling during that time, and posted here for support. Three months after and I'm finding some peace. I'm making room for non-toxic people in my life, and doing things I enjoy doing. Learning to accept myself again.

 

Just know you're not alone. Many of the people here have been through this extreme pain. You'll get through it, and you'll be the wiser for it.

[Tiredgirl941]

I'm sorry for your pain.

May I ask, did your ex husband end up with his AP?

I'm asking because something about the way you write makes me think maybe you're dealing with your husband's infidelity and your divorce through this affair.

For instance, maybe MM was supposed to correct the wrong your husband has done to you?

No Contact is without a shadow of a doubt the way to go for you. NC is not about him, it's about you.

I know you're trying to get in to his head and figure out what's going on there, and NC is supposed to help you get back in to your own mind. It's hard enough to understand ourselves, it's next to impossible to figure out someone else on our own.

I don't know what makes him behave this way towards you, but it's pretty clear he is not interested in carrying on any type of relationship with you. I'd guess he is replying so you don't out him as a cheater now and mess up his R with his ex and his reputation.

Keep your dignity, stay away.

I think there is no point in sharing your pain with him. He doesn't care. Best case scenario it will slide by him, worst case he'll get an ego kick out of it. So much to lose, nothing to gain.

Taking the high road is so much harder, but if you keep your self respect and dignity you will never regret it.

Some tough times ahead for you, but stick to NC and with time (and hopefully,therapy) you will be back on your feet and going towards a bright future. You will not be feeling this way forever, push through and you'll be fine.

 

Thank you for this. My ex did not end up with his AP...he wanted to reconcile after an initial period of cake eating and continuing to see her after dday. I was too hurt by that time to consider R. His OW is with someone else now and has a baby.

I'm sure there are parallels between my recent behaviour and the crap I went through with WH in the aftermath of his A.

 

I don't know why I continue to see my exMM in such a positive light or continue to want him. He was very manipulative with his ex during their divorce and drinks too much, and has major ego needs, all of which my brain saw clearly but my heart ignored because I liked how he made me feel (desired, special, loved, all of that).

 

Thank you for the encouraging words...I can't wait to not feel like this anymore.

[Tiredgirl941]

Just know you're not alone. Many of the people here have been through this extreme pain. You'll get through it, and you'll be the wiser for it.

 

This is the most comforting thing right now. Thank you Jah526.

[GeekLover]

http://http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/617048-looking-perspective-om-ow

 

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I just wanted to let you know that you really aren't alone. Although my story is not exact, there are a lot of similarities (for me, he was already separated and waiting for me to do the same, I finally did and he walked away). I posted the link because a lot of members gave me some great insight that perhaps can also carry over to your situation.

 

I must say, it does get easier. I am 4 months in NC (apart from one stupid text which wasn't responded to anyway), and I am finally feeling like the anxiety is beginning to subside and I am starting to remove him from his pedestal. I think the key to NC is it needs to be 100%. I threw out a lot of gifts he bought me, deleted all texts and his number, deleted almost all pictures, or placed them in files, placed all emails in a separate file, and removed anything that we shared on social media.

 

Also, I nailed the final nail in the NC coffin almost 2 weeks ago by disappearing off social media he is on. By doing this, I'm less tempted to check up on what he's doing. I can honestly say this has started to accelerate my healing. It's incredible really. It has cleared my head a lot and I have turned most of the pain into anger. At least it's much easier to live with than the pain. It can also start motivating you to better yourself.

 

Stay strong. I know how difficult it is right now. I understand the confusion behind his actions. They don't make any sense. They may never make any sense. But trust in yourself that you are strong enough to get through this. Trust that the darkness will pass and you will begin to see glimmers of light again.

[otherwoman2015]

I'm so sorry for your pain, that is tough. Maybe all you can do is take comfort in knowing he's not your problem anymore and you can move on and find real love with someone else. Please hang in there and try to not speak negative to yourself. Men can be slime.

[sandylee1]

I second you getting dressed up and hitting the town. He wasn't worth it. You saw his bad points and ignored them, as they weren't directed at you. ..truth is, he's much the same as your Ex.

 

You didn't like being a BW, but your MM was making his wife a BW while with you.

 

Go back to the drawing board and once you've shrugged it all off. ..start afresh.