bathtub-row Posted March 30, 2017 Share Posted March 30, 2017 He was very manipulative with his ex during their divorce and drinks too much, and has major ego needs, all of which my brain saw clearly but my heart ignored because I liked how he made me feel (desired, special, loved, all of that). Thank you for the encouraging words...I can't wait to not feel like this anymore. Manipulation and drinking too much -- these are total deal breakers as far as I'm concerned. I hope you just let yourself get past this and walk away from this guy. I know you love him and liked the way he made you feel, but he's bad news. Those characteristics you describe are not fixable. A woman's biggest downfall is becoming addicted to people like this. He's not healthy and he'll take you down if you let him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
freengreen Posted March 30, 2017 Share Posted March 30, 2017 Update: he is dating a girl in her 20s. We are both in our early 40s. I am sick to my stomach with jealousy and the feeling of being discarded and replaced. Dear god, how does a person get through this. I want to rage at him, but I know that will only make me look crazy and clingy (which I am). Please help. What do I do? I'm losing my mind. He was married then he cheated with wife, double crossed affair partner and is dating a girl half his age.... one of the above could still have a fat chance of reasoning, but he had all of the above done... the epitome of jerkery. Why do you have to want to do anything with him?. Why do you want him in your life? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tiredgirl941 Posted March 30, 2017 Author Share Posted March 30, 2017 http://http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/617048-looking-perspective-om-ow I'm so sorry you are going through this. I just wanted to let you know that you really aren't alone. Although my story is not exact, there are a lot of similarities (for me, he was already separated and waiting for me to do the same, I finally did and he walked away). I posted the link because a lot of members gave me some great insight that perhaps can also carry over to your situation. I must say, it does get easier. I am 4 months in NC (apart from one stupid text which wasn't responded to anyway), and I am finally feeling like the anxiety is beginning to subside and I am starting to remove him from his pedestal. I think the key to NC is it needs to be 100%. I threw out a lot of gifts he bought me, deleted all texts and his number, deleted almost all pictures, or placed them in files, placed all emails in a separate file, and removed anything that we shared on social media. Also, I nailed the final nail in the NC coffin almost 2 weeks ago by disappearing off social media he is on. By doing this, I'm less tempted to check up on what he's doing. I can honestly say this has started to accelerate my healing. It's incredible really. It has cleared my head a lot and I have turned most of the pain into anger. At least it's much easier to live with than the pain. It can also start motivating you to better yourself. Stay strong. I know how difficult it is right now. I understand the confusion behind his actions. They don't make any sense. They may never make any sense. But trust in yourself that you are strong enough to get through this. Trust that the darkness will pass and you will begin to see glimmers of light again. Geeklover, I got so much hope from this. Thank you for taking the time to share it. Hugs to you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tiredgirl941 Posted March 30, 2017 Author Share Posted March 30, 2017 Why do you have to want to do anything with him?. Why do you want him in your life? This is the billion dollar question! I guess I don't really...I want what I thought he was, and then what I blindly continued to believe he was despite all the evidence. If he came back now, I might still say yes, which scares the hell out of me. I'm working towards being indifferent and letting those love feelings die, but omg, its a climb. I'll keep asking myself these questions feengreen. Thank you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tiredgirl941 Posted March 30, 2017 Author Share Posted March 30, 2017 and I just broke NC. Send a message with a stupid, chatty question. No reply. I need to remember this feeling for next time I feel weak. Its like a punch in the throat. Link to post Share on other sites
imsosad Posted March 30, 2017 Share Posted March 30, 2017 Tiredgirl, when someone loses interest; no chatty question or heartfelt 'you did me wrong' letter will change it. You long for his attention and validation. By initiating contact when you know he's not interested you're just widening the gap between you. He becomes more unavailable, unreachable,unattainable, therefor all the more desirable. You become all the more desperate and clingy. Come on. You are a grown woman. Im sure you have some inner resources to fall back on. Imo, the secret to NC is to not break it because every time you get over an urge and keep it, you feel stronger. The next time the urge comes, you have experience to fall back on-you already held strong and pushed through. Ever time you resist, it builds your faith in yourself that you can do it. On the flip side, when you break NC, you have the opposite experience. You lose faith in yourself, your resolve weakens, you have less to fall back on. Don't show him what a mess you are right now. Don't send silly messages. What were you expecting? Hold strong, decide that you can do this. You didnt choose this outcome, but you can choose if you take it like a woman or like an outraged;clingy teenager. Im mot saying your emotions are not legitimate. They are. Im talking about behavior. Dignity and self respect are your best friends. NC is too. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Midwestmissy Posted March 30, 2017 Share Posted March 30, 2017 The person who cares the least has the most power. Don't give him that power over you. He sounds like a tool. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
curiouslysearching Posted March 30, 2017 Share Posted March 30, 2017 The person who cares the least has the most power. Don't give him that power over you. He sounds like a tool. nothing could be trueR.....do not let him HAVE THE POWER 1 Link to post Share on other sites
freengreen Posted March 30, 2017 Share Posted March 30, 2017 and I just broke NC. Send a message with a stupid, chatty question. No reply. I need to remember this feeling for next time I feel weak. Its like a punch in the throat. Dont do this to yourself... he is gloating over you... You must not let this man win this time... you must not lose. Its not fair that way. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
freengreen Posted March 30, 2017 Share Posted March 30, 2017 Tiredgirl, when someone loses interest; no chatty question or heartfelt 'you did me wrong' letter will change it. You long for his attention and validation. By initiating contact when you know he's not interested you're just widening the gap between you. He becomes more unavailable, unreachable,unattainable, therefor all the more desirable. You become all the more desperate and clingy. Come on. You are a grown woman. Im sure you have some inner resources to fall back on. Imo, the secret to NC is to not break it because every time you get over an urge and keep it, you feel stronger. The next time the urge comes, you have experience to fall back on-you already held strong and pushed through. Ever time you resist, it builds your faith in yourself that you can do it. On the flip side, when you break NC, you have the opposite experience. You lose faith in yourself, your resolve weakens, you have less to fall back on. Don't show him what a mess you are right now. Don't send silly messages. What were you expecting? Hold strong, decide that you can do this. You didnt choose this outcome, but you can choose if you take it like a woman or like an outraged;clingy teenager. Im mot saying your emotions are not legitimate. They are. Im talking about behavior. Dignity and self respect are your best friends. NC is too. Every sentence in this post is true. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 30, 2017 Share Posted March 30, 2017 and I just broke NC. Send a message with a stupid, chatty question. No reply. I need to remember this feeling for next time I feel weak. Its like a punch in the throat. What were you looking for by contacting him? Are you hoping he'll swoop in and change his mind? Are you having withdrawal by not hearing from him? NC is NC and respectfully I say this: It's good you feel like it's a punch in the throat and weak. Just think he isn't missing you at all, he's moved on and not thinking of you at all. GET MAD and tell yourself you're done! Cry it out, post about it here but don't reach out to him again. No good can come of it and all it does is make you feel awful, even more so since he's not going reply back to you. Read that NC thread. Let it sink in. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Southern Sun Posted March 30, 2017 Share Posted March 30, 2017 Try to remember the phone calls or texts you've received in your life by any man you were totally OVER. You were with someone else and he was still calling. Think of that. Get some self-respect. And don't contact this jerk again. At the least, give him a CHANCE to miss you. If it's going to happen, you have to let him feel your absence. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
starswewillnavigate Posted March 30, 2017 Share Posted March 30, 2017 Tiredgirl... Imsosad and southern sun are right, if you keep messaging him it will only widen the gap, you really need to give him a chance to miss you. He's now chasing this 20something and more than likely she will knock his confidence at some point. Where will he go when that happens? Back to you, his ego boost. Don't let that be an option to him, find strength. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tiredgirl941 Posted March 30, 2017 Author Share Posted March 30, 2017 Tiredgirl, when someone loses interest; no chatty question or heartfelt 'you did me wrong' letter will change it. You long for his attention and validation. By initiating contact when you know he's not interested you're just widening the gap between you. He becomes more unavailable, unreachable,unattainable, therefor all the more desirable. You become all the more desperate and clingy. Come on. You are a grown woman. Im sure you have some inner resources to fall back on. Imo, the secret to NC is to not break it because every time you get over an urge and keep it, you feel stronger. The next time the urge comes, you have experience to fall back on-you already held strong and pushed through. Ever time you resist, it builds your faith in yourself that you can do it. On the flip side, when you break NC, you have the opposite experience. You lose faith in yourself, your resolve weakens, you have less to fall back on. Don't show him what a mess you are right now. Don't send silly messages. What were you expecting? Hold strong, decide that you can do this. You didnt choose this outcome, but you can choose if you take it like a woman or like an outraged;clingy teenager. Im mot saying your emotions are not legitimate. They are. Im talking about behavior. Dignity and self respect are your best friends. NC is too. Omg i have read this 100 times. PREACH. I may need to copy this out and carry it around with me. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tiredgirl941 Posted March 30, 2017 Author Share Posted March 30, 2017 Update: Wow, I got even more info today about other OWs during our A. As painful as that was to learn, I can't say i'm surprised....shocked maybe, but not surprised (some of you guys called it, and you were bang on) I'm glad all this new info is pouring in, because I actually feel my love for him dying out. Who was this man? I have no idea, obviously. I know there is still a gong show of a roller coaster coming but I seriously feel strong right now. The death of hope is a blessing. Hope is an effing tyrant. I have totally deleted and blocked him everywhere and I will get through this. You guys are so amazing, I'm so blessed to have found a bunch of people who give a darn. Thank you 3 Link to post Share on other sites
GeekLover Posted March 30, 2017 Share Posted March 30, 2017 Imo, the secret to NC is to not break it because every time you get over an urge and keep it, you feel stronger. The next time the urge comes, you have experience to fall back on-you already held strong and pushed through. Ever time you resist, it builds your faith in yourself that you can do it.. This is amazing advice, but it made me realize something else: This also works for the dumper. The more you contact them and they ignore/don't respond, the stronger THEY feel. It's a power struggle of wills now. Hold strong. Keep your head up and show him how powerful you really are. Surprise him and knock it out of the park! Hugs. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
starswewillnavigate Posted March 30, 2017 Share Posted March 30, 2017 Tiredgirl- my stomach just knotted reading that. But as painful as it may be, hold onto that resolve because you'll need it. How did you find out?! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tiredgirl941 Posted March 30, 2017 Author Share Posted March 30, 2017 (edited) Tiredgirl- my stomach just knotted reading that. But as painful as it may be, hold onto that resolve because you'll need it. How did you find out?! I contacted a friend of his exW who I have not seen for awhile (yes I was information / pain shopping), casually brought up the subject of him and she was like...OMG did you hear about MM and BW's divorce? He was cheating with a bunch of different women! She caught him several times apparently with a few OW of varying degrees of seriousness. She never knew about us though, apparently apart from rumors. I feel like moving out of state so I never have to see his face again. Better yet, he should move. I'm not even going to bother confronting him. What's the point? At this point I should feel like a dodged a bullet (but only after being stabbed several times first). Edited March 30, 2017 by Tiredgirl941 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 30, 2017 Share Posted March 30, 2017 Why are you trolling for info about him? This is why you can't move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tiredgirl941 Posted March 30, 2017 Author Share Posted March 30, 2017 Why are you trolling for info about him? This is why you can't move on. In fairness, its been a week or so. I am trying to move on. And this info actually helped me open my eyes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted March 31, 2017 Share Posted March 31, 2017 This is amazing advice, but it made me realize something else: This also works for the dumper. The more you contact them and they ignore/don't respond, the stronger THEY feel. It's a power struggle of wills now. Hold strong. Keep your head up and show him how powerful you really are. Surprise him and knock it out of the park! Hugs.Or, most likely, the dumper cringes when your number appears and he wonders if he can just delete the message without having to listen to any of it - not because it hurts or it makes him weaker, but because he REALLY DOESN'T WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU. At least, that's how I've always felt as the dumper. I'm not that much different than anybody else, so it must be that way for most people, you know what I mean? Don't romanticize the motivations of a dumper who stays out of touch with perfect discipline. They are not thinking about you, they don't miss you and they don't wonder if you'll ever call again or what they might say. There is no contest, no power struggle, no battle of wills. The only time they think about you is when they hear from you, and those aren't wistfully fond thoughts. They are OMG!! WTF!! thoughts. I know that feels personal, but that's my exact point! The complete opposite is true. It's not personal at all - so don't kid yourself and think like it is. And for what it's worth OP, if I were to find myself single after having an affair, I'd probably do what your AP did to you. Only a fool wants to jump back into the frying pan, even after you've changed the oil. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 31, 2017 Share Posted March 31, 2017 Please get yourself tested for std's. Good that now you see him for who he truly is. Try not to waste tears on him anymore! He's not worth it! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted March 31, 2017 Share Posted March 31, 2017 So, his wife divorced him, not the other way round. She was finally tired of his serial cheating andgot rid. I think it's good for you to hear this information actually. It helps to realise that trusting a man who cheats and manipulates his wife during the divorce, is unwise. And yes. .Please. .get STD tested. This might have been said already, but I think once you left your husband. ..he realised you'd want a full time relationship.... and he was no longer interested. The challenge,excitement and thrill of the affair was no longer there. ... That would be like having another wife and you can see how he treated his last one. Link to post Share on other sites
freengreen Posted March 31, 2017 Share Posted March 31, 2017 me be like "he is the epitome of jerkery...." your OM be like " already?.. hold my beer..." He is on a spree or something... Yes like other people said, get tested please. You are one lucky dumpee, imagine getting stringing along o.0 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted March 31, 2017 Share Posted March 31, 2017 Getting no response from him would be enough to piss me off. Link to post Share on other sites
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