MM divorced his wife, then dumped me too

[bathtub-row]

Whoa! I missed the part where he was seeing other people. Deal breaker. Total and complete deal breaker. And all the while he was lying to you and baiting you with buying a house and having a life together. There is no recovering a relationship after this kind of betrayal. You said it before that he's manipulative. Now you can see why I said that kind of behavior is a very red flag. Please do not ever excuse red flags with anyone. Ever.

 

I'm really sorry this happened to you but, yes, you did dodge a bullet (ok, you got nicked by the bullet but it could've been worse). I can't imagine how his wife must be feeling. He's leaving quite a mess in his wake.

Edited March 31, 2017 by bathtub-row

[bathtub-row]

In fairness, its been a week or so. I am trying to move on. And this info actually helped me open my eyes.

 

I can understand why you were seeking info. It's a normal reaction.

[bathtub-row]

Or, most likely, the dumper cringes when your number appears and he wonders if he can just delete the message without having to listen to any of it - not because it hurts or it makes him weaker, but because he REALLY DOESN'T WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU.

 

At least, that's how I've always felt as the dumper. I'm not that much different than anybody else, so it must be that way for most people, you know what I mean?

 

Don't romanticize the motivations of a dumper who stays out of touch with perfect discipline. They are not thinking about you, they don't miss you and they don't wonder if you'll ever call again or what they might say. There is no contest, no power struggle, no battle of wills. The only time they think about you is when they hear from you, and those aren't wistfully fond thoughts. They are OMG!! WTF!! thoughts. I know that feels personal, but that's my exact point! The complete opposite is true. It's not personal at all - so don't kid yourself and think like it is.

 

And for what it's worth OP, if I were to find myself single after having an affair, I'd probably do what your AP did to you. Only a fool wants to jump back into the frying pan, even after you've changed the oil.

 

I'm not really sure this is altogether true in this case. I think this guy gets a kick out of toying with women and having them pining over him. I think it's just a matter of time before he starts calling her again. Withdrawing and then returning is part of the game.

[Tiredgirl941]

another update, just a small one. I crossed paths with him yesterday, and I smiled and waved and kept going. A few hours later I get a text "you look amazing in that dress". I didn't respond. WTF. Why why why....why do that to me? It made my heart pound and swell with hope.

Ugh, it took everything not to respond "omg thank you please take me back".

At least I resisted.

Why do they do that?

[whichwayisup]

another update, just a small one. I crossed paths with him yesterday, and I smiled and waved and kept going. A few hours later I get a text "you look amazing in that dress". I didn't respond. WTF. Why why why....why do that to me? It made my heart pound and swell with hope.

Ugh, it took everything not to respond "omg thank you please take me back".

At least I resisted.

Why do they do that?

 

You asked for it. Sorry but you gave him the green light by smiling and waving at him. He interpreted that as it's okay to reach out to you. If you're in NC mode and trying to get over him, then IGNORE HIM. Don't look at him, don't smile at him. You don't acknowledge him at all.

 

Glad you didn't respond to his text. Can you block him so when he texts you again you won't see what he says?

[bathtub-row]

another update, just a small one. I crossed paths with him yesterday, and I smiled and waved and kept going. A few hours later I get a text "you look amazing in that dress". I didn't respond. WTF. Why why why....why do that to me? It made my heart pound and swell with hope.

Ugh, it took everything not to respond "omg thank you please take me back".

At least I resisted.

Why do they do that?

 

This guy is a real piece of work. I'm really glad you didn't reply back but, seriously, if you think about it, that text should really piss you off. This is a man who lied to you quite extensively, betrayed you, broke your heart, ignored a recent text from you, and then sends a text like that. Unbelievable.

[BuddyX]

You can do better, you know that. Just remind yourself; you were his OW. Then he left his wife...for a 20 something. Do you want to compete?

[GeekLover]

another update, just a small one. I crossed paths with him yesterday, and I smiled and waved and kept going. A few hours later I get a text "you look amazing in that dress". I didn't respond. WTF. Why why why....why do that to me? It made my heart pound and swell with hope.

Ugh, it took everything not to respond "omg thank you please take me back".

At least I resisted.

Why do they do that?

 

Unbelievable. My jaw dropped. Good for you for not responding to this piece of dirt. He did it to keep you hanging on and to give you hope-which seemed to work based on what you just said. It's cruel. Stay away!!

[Birdies]

Good job staying NC! Don't give him the pleasure of being able to reel you back in whenever he damn well feels like it.

 

Keep ignoring, it'll get easier. Next time you see him, just look the other way. It's hard to do, especially for women because we are so culturally-ingrained to be nice and polite, but it's the best move.

[road]

Because a WS cheats does not mean that they will accept

a cheater to marry when they go shopping for their next

spouse.

[sandylee1]

I think the smiling gave him the okay to do that. Might be best in the future to act like you haven't seen him.

[freengreen]

another update, just a small one. I crossed paths with him yesterday, and I smiled and waved and kept going. A few hours later I get a text "you look amazing in that dress". I didn't respond. WTF. Why why why....why do that to me? It made my heart pound and swell with hope.

Ugh, it took everything not to respond "omg thank you please take me back".

At least I resisted.

Why do they do that?

We could go into a war for them over megre texts wont we?..I was like this exactly like this 5 months earlier.. just one text like this would have set everything off again, with a force.

 

Its a trap. It will always be one.

 

You are doing well not responding.. brava.

[Tiredgirl941]

Thanks everyone. I smiled and waved because I'm trying to look all carefree and like i dont give a darn, even if the opposite is true. Next time (god forbid there is a next time, but I know there will be) I'll try to act like he is invisible.

 

I'm a grown woman, smart and generally have my s**t together, so I'm so baffled as to why I even still want someone who has treated me so poorly. And someone who clearly has some major issues of his own.

I battle the urge to message him by the minute. He gave me a nice compliment! i'm being rude by not responding. I need to let him know the door is still open! All this inner dialogue that is so destructive. All it takes is a nanosecond of weakness and I will give up all my power, and he will make me feel like hell. I KNOW this. So why is it still so so tempting?

I am so frustrated with myself. And I'm having obessive thoughts about him and his new muffin doing the happy unicorn fart land thing. You are schmoopy! No you are! Barf barf barf.

 

I thank my lucky stars for all the support on this forum. Y'all are so wise. I read and re-read your responses over and over. Thank you so much.

[Tiredgirl941]

We could go into a war for them over megre texts wont we?..I was like this exactly like this 5 months earlier.. just one text like this would have set everything off again, with a force.

 

Its a trap. It will always be one.

 

You are doing well not responding.. brava.

 

Freengreen...how are you now? If you don't mind me asking.

[sandylee1]

You gain more power by ignoring him and not responding.

[bathtub-row]

You're still tempted to contact him simply because it's a chemical reaction that we women are cursed with. Whoever we fall in love with, that chemical force fills us and is very difficult to release, even when everything about it is illogical. This is why women should be very careful about who we invite into our lives, our homes, and in our beds. If you keep this in mind, you'll understand that you're just fighting something that isn't based on reality or what's good for you. It's just nature's way of making sure the human race continues. Pretty darn effective, ain't it?

 

There's a book called "Getting to I Do" that explains this very well.

[freengreen]

Freengreen...how are you now? If you don't mind me asking.

 

I went strict NC.. absolute nothing. He didnt bother either. After all these months, I do still think of him now and then, mostly about how he was nobody before 2 yrs and how all of this made a muck out of me.

 

Just a quarter way doen in my NC, I wished he would contact me, then I go back. Then at half way I wished he would contact and I reply him with anger and tell him that he should stop playing with people's hearts. Now after almost 6 months NC, I am starting not to care. I dont wish I get a message, I dont really wish to respond.

 

I came out of social media but I do admit I have been into his twitter once in a week or so, but since last week, I dont feel like it too. Before all this, I didnt care how he was leading his life, I want to be there again. I dont call him names or blame or anything. I just want to do nothing with him.

 

My husband was like a teacher ( we had a D Day), still he loves me. I learnt from him, I rediscovered my love for him. My MM was a teacher too, he didnt care, over and over again, he never cared. I learnt from him not to care.

 

You have to be on YOUR side for once, it may seem impossible, but it will happen Tiredgirl. Good luck .

Edited April 3, 2017 by freengreen

[georgia girl]

Or, most likely, the dumper cringes when your number appears and he wonders if he can just delete the message without having to listen to any of it - not because it hurts or it makes him weaker, but because he REALLY DOESN'T WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU.

 

At least, that's how I've always felt as the dumper. I'm not that much different than anybody else, so it must be that way for most people, you know what I mean?

 

Don't romanticize the motivations of a dumper who stays out of touch with perfect discipline. They are not thinking about you, they don't miss you and they don't wonder if you'll ever call again or what they might say. There is no contest, no power struggle, no battle of wills. The only time they think about you is when they hear from you, and those aren't wistfully fond thoughts. They are OMG!! WTF!! thoughts. I know that feels personal, but that's my exact point! The complete opposite is true. It's not personal at all - so don't kid yourself and think like it is.

 

And for what it's worth OP, if I were to find myself single after having an affair, I'd probably do what your AP did to you. Only a fool wants to jump back into the frying pan, even after you've changed the oil.

 

I have to say, this is the most honest post I have ever read here. As someone who has been both a dumper and dumpee, I used to wonder what he was thinking, did he miss me, should I keep the door open, etc. Then I was the dumper and I had the same exact thoughts expressed her. The "OMG! Please stop!" feelings that kill every last warm/fuzzy I ever had for the person.

 

As hard as it is to move on, we should all remember that mutual love isn't that much work. Yes, learning to be a good partner and working on your relationship can be work, but the love part? No, that just flows and in truth, you are never in Doubt of your partner's feelings. When you have to post on a board to find out what they're thinking, that's not love coming back at you.

 

Tired girl, I wish you well. It sounds like you have had enough pain and this guy isn't loyal to two women, let alone one. Wash him out of your hair. The sooner you do that, the sooner you find the right guy.

 

Good luck,

GG

[Tiredgirl941]

thanks everyone. Its a daily struggle. I'm so MAD and shocked and sad. Realizing it was all a lie is so so hard. And knowing he is spoonfeeding his lovebombing stuff to the new girl drives me insane with jealousy.

I was not special, we were not soulmates, it was all bull.

I crossed paths with him the other day and I didn't even get a chance to ignore him. He literally ran away from me...like caught sight of me and broke into a slow jog. OMG the humiliation.

I'm going to my doctor to try to get some meds....the anxiety and sadness and rage and obessive thoughts are too much to bear.

Earliest IC can see me is two weeks....eternity.

I have not broken NC, but its a minute by minute struggle. He hasn't bothered either. I know thats good in the long run, but my god, that i've been so discarded is hard to take.

[imsosad]

It is going to take a while before you begin to feel better.

Best advice I can give you is to hang on to NC no matter what. Your mind will play tricks on you. You will have moments of relapse and false hope that if you just talk to him, all this pain will go away. You must stay determined to keep NC, no matter how hard it is.

The 2 week wait for IC must seem like forever.

I get it's hard to think about him going through the honeymoon lovebombing stage with someone else. Try to have some rational counter thoughts to these waves of jealousy. If it was all lies with you, what makes it any different with her? If he is a player with a false lovebombing routine, then we feel sorry for this woman because she is still in the dark about what he really is. Level with yourself, rationalise. If it's an act, he us acting now as well. You are not missing out on anything. She is getting the same hollow bull**** you now see through. It's not like he means it this time. Poor girl.

By the way you write about lovebombing and being discarded, I am pretty sure you found the narcissist support sights. Good. He sure seems to fit the bill.

You will get through this, but expect some tough times ahead. This too shall pass.

[bathtub-row]

Not intending this in any mean way but this has become about your ego now. Your ego is bruised and it's pissing you off. It may not have all been lies but women need to start realizing the lengths a lot of men will go to to either pump up their egos or to have sex, or both. It is limitless as to the ways many of them will come up with to accomplish this. I think you meant something to him, just not in the way you thought.