Not myself when with wife, but relationship good

[noonynicky]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm hoping to get your views on my situation. I've been married for two years and things have been good / great. Positives are eye to eye in the high touch things, namely life outlook, personal / personal priorities, interest, discussing deep topics.

 

However, recently I've been noticing an issue which is trending. I was aware about it in the past, thought it'll go away but hasn't. In short, I'm having to decide daily to live to my wife's expectation of someone who is steady in almost all of everyday decisions. In brief, it's like this.

 

My wife can't take life lightly. She seeks a rationale and meaning in EVERY action. Why? Because she views life as a mission to maximize every minute of her time. To her, there must always be an insight to a conversation, to a question and to a decision.

 

Me, on the other hand, adopt that same mentality but only in the workplace. I'm not a bum, I have a good paying job and I work hard. But outside work, with my friends and with my wife, I just ... relax. I can talk nonsense as I derive satisfaction from talking nonsense, I can make outrageous suggestions like driving 10 miles for famous Pizza and I can stay late in a party because, well, it's better than the office.

 

You see the problem? My lax attitude in life, again outside of the office, clashes with her goal of efficiency in life. As a result, I'm usually face with two options:

 

1. Against who I naturally am, adopt her same mentality. Instead of being relax, be decisive.

2. Be myself and go through the gamut of explaining to her how I think when she shares her dissatisfaction in my inert status.

 

Opinions?

 

Cheers,

Nicky

[mikeylo]

Why did you marry ? These kind of differences are easily seen when dating.

[jenkins95]

(((Nicky)))

 

Your post doesn't alarm me too much, except that the options you give at the bottom seem like two extremes. Can't you find a middle ground and both just accept that you have different attitudes to life and that if you accept, adapt and compromise within these differences then you can take the best from both?

 

No two people are exactly the same, and differences don't mean that you have to be incompatible. Opposites can even attract, like my parents for example. My Mum is very frugal and worries about spending money - she wouldn't spend a penny over the bare minimum if she didn't have to and certainly wouldn't "waste" money on cosmetic house improvements. My Dad, on the other hand, wants to spend money the minute he gets it - it burns a hole in his pocket. He likes expensive hobbies, nice cars, the best food/wine, making cosmetic changes to the house, etc.

 

Over the years this has caused a few differences in opinion and arguments, but with compromise and give and take, the combination of the two of them is excellent - they hold each other in check and bring out the best of both worlds!

 

Differences are only a problem if you feel you can't really be yourself, are not accepted as you are, feel the need to change who you are and cannot live authentically. But from what you've said, as long as you both accept each other's differences and compromise, the differences between the two of you could actually combine very nicely.

 

Communication is usually the key - have you laid it all out to your wife how you feel?

[basil67]

I'm not sure why there's a problem. When you want to do something like drive 10 miles for a pizza or stay late at a party, why not answer her question with "because it might be fun"

 

Have you ever told her to stop overanalysing when you're talking nonsense?

[aileD]

If she's looking to maximize her life then spending time doing silly things with her husband does serve a purpose of cultivating a good marriage.

 

When She's on her deathbed, all her accomplishments are not going to be by her side ...you will be.

Edited March 28, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Mr. Lucky]

1. Against who I naturally am, adopt her same mentality. Instead of being relax, be decisive.

2. Be myself and go through the gamut of explaining to her how I think when she shares her dissatisfaction in my inert status.

 

I'd be exhausted by either approach. How about:

 

3. While working on being a good person, live your life to your standards, expectations and satisfaction.

 

If you've chosen the right spouse, this will be fine with her...

 

Mr. Lucky

[lucy_in_disguise]

How does this issue come up in daily matters? Is it a question of how to spend your free time, where you are more spontaneous/ relaxed, and she is more of a planner (or a workaholic)?

 

As others mentioned, it sounds like a personality difference (or perhaps difference in what you prefer to do in your spare time) but it doesn't need to be a deal breaker.

 

The important thing is that there is mutual respect for each others' choices. It's important to spend some quality time together to maintain. A healthy relationship, but she doesn't need to accompany you on every 10 mile drive to get pizza. Just like you shouldnt be her only source of meaningful conversation. It is healthy to have interests/ hobbies outside the relationship, which should meet your different needs.

 

If you feel the respect is lacking- that she doesn't respect many of your choices about how you want to spend your free time - I think this is a serious issue that would be hard to reconcile. She should not dictate how you spend your free time (assuming your choices are reasonable and not interfering with your marriage or work, which is doesn't sound like they are). Once respect is gone- there's no going back.

 

Hopefully, this isn't a respect issue but just you working through daily compromises as a young couple. I will add though that I have had similar issues in my prior relationships and unfortunately the issues boiled down to respect and turned into deal breakers for me. As an example, I had dated a guy who was a lovely boyfriend and successful and hardworking in his career. The fact that his hobbies included watching an inordinate amount of sports television and being in a jam band should not have bothered me, but I could not get past it- I could not stand his hobbies and lost respect for him over time, even though rationally he was a great guy and I questioned my own emotional reactions to the situation. The fact was that we just weren't compatible, and I'm glad the relationship ended, as it allowed me to meet someone whom I have a much easier time relating to. Sometimes compatibility is a difficult aspect to define or quantify but lack of mutual respect is a sure sign there's a problem.

Edited March 29, 2017 by lucy_in_disguise