Midst of Separation/Divorce, Custody Question

[klegacy]

Hi All,

 

I've had a long running post about my wife leaving for my best friend and all the hell it's been this past year. Thankfully you've all been super helpful. [previous thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/593135-wife-left-best-friend ]

 

Starting this thread because I've been struggling as of lately with a heavy decision regarding custody. And I apologize if it's a bit long.

 

Short story is, we've been doing 50/50 custody for the past 6 months with our 2.5 year old son, which has been working alright, though there's still certain days he still goes to her or comes to me. It's not really a total week to week thing.

 

Her demand on her separation agreement is asking for her to have most of the custody. Allowing me to have my son every second weekend, a few months in the summer, a few hours on birthdays, etc. At first I was really angry about this.

 

Lately I've been struggling with what to do, because the weeks I have him, I only really see him in the evenings after work for an hour or two. And of course the weekend I have him, I get that whole time with him. Which means I am already spending money during my week with him on child care, not getting to see him much, having to see his mother when she takes him 2 of the days that I work. And every time I pick him up, no matter where from, he cries and cries for me to take him to his mother's house.

 

I know that a child needs both parents. But I'm starting to think about giving into her demand. It may be better for him to have more consistency. And maybe seeing me less would make the times we do have, that much more special.

 

What is everyone's thoughts/experiences on this?

Edited March 28, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
added link to previous thread ~6

[kgcolonel]

Putting your child first is always the mature and best thing to do. Follow your gut and do the right thing.

[mikeylo]

Seeing you less is most likely to drift you both apart. He is very young. If he isn't missing you when with mom then how is seeing less of you make him miss you more ?

 

If you want him bonded with you , see him more.

[The_Onceler]

My parents were divorced when I was 5 years old. My mother had custody. I saw my dad every Sunday. My weekdays were spent in school, or home with my siblings watching over me (we were ages 3, 5, 8, and 10). My situation then was not the same as yours now, but I can tell you this, and I think it applies: My mother is still a part of my life (40+ years later). I hardly knew my father, and couldn't even bring myself to cry when he died, although I was by his side when he passed. I have never even seen where he is buried.

 

If you give custody over to your ex, it is very likely that you will grow apart from your son.

 

Bear in mind that your ex probably has the same day-to-day experience that you do, unless she is staying at home full time. If you give her majority custody, you may wind up paying enough in child support/alimony to allow her to stay home, but that is only a guess.

 

But do you really want HER to be the primary influence in the life of your son?

 

I'd say, fight for him, and fight for custody. Life will never be perfect, but I feel that you and your son will both be better off if you remain in each others lives as much as you can. And the fact that you have set a 50/50 precedent almost assures that you can win 50/50 custody in court. Hell, go for full custody. Spend your money on day care, and not on child support to your ex.

[klegacy]

Her job allows her more actual day-time with our son. She definitely gets a world more time with him than I do.

 

My child support if I went that direction would be the same cost as what I'm paying for daycare right now. It balances out.

 

I would have him Friday evening to Sunday evening every two weeks. A bit more than just one day. But I understand what you're saying.

[aileD]

I think you should stick it out a few more years. Maybe til he's in school

 

I think at his age, if he does not see you frequently then the times he does see you are going to be harder on him because you won't be someone he is used to having in his life frequently. Kids ....forget...when they are young. It's difficult.

 

Plus if you agree to only weekends, and you don't live close, it's going to cause a problem when he has things to do on the weekends at home like birthday parties or soccer practice. Then you're missing time and don't have other time to make up for it, further distancing.

 

Don't change anything legally. You never want to give up time legally because it's a fight to get it back. Maybe you could make arrangements on a weekly or monthly basis that might work better

[testmeasure]

.

 

Crying to be with the other parent can be unsettling. I've experienced it, in the age range of 2.5 years old. Her mom would build up this big dramatic good bye and then expect to just hand her to me.

 

I have primary custody. My daughter and I have a blast together. After a couple of years, still sometimes when I get her, she cries. I think there is some dramatic emotional intensity her mom does while she has her.

 

Kids want to bond with both parents. Historically, if they didn't, life was short.

 

There is an important counter-intuitive principal. Kids inherently need to bond with both parents, otherwise historically they got eaten. This need is so intense that they are driven to bond even with a parent that is hard to bond to, one that is frightening, distant, or dramatic. Where this gets counter-intuitive is the child is only able to form a weak bond in such cases. Yet the need to bond with both parents is so strong that the child doubles down on effort to bond with the parent that is harder to bond with. They get more clingy, more needy, they cry for that parent, as they want and need to give extra maintenance to that weaker bond and be reassured of it's status.

 

The normal thing would be for a 2.5 year old to want to bond with both parents. If your son is crying for mom, don't just automatically take that at surface value. Also, don't give it a lot of focus. The need for bonding is so much that kids do more of whatever they get attention for. If you give a lot of sympathy and attention to him crying for mom, you're making crying for mom something the two of you are bonding over. Acknowledge his feelings and then refocus on the two of you.

 

You could shoot for a majority or all weekends, with other days divided so it's still 50/50. Or shoot for more than that and negotiate or not.

 

I was quite disparaged when I kept being offered every other weekend. I know how it feels for that to be the goal post for the worst case scenario. But, you already have 50/50 in practice. Don't aim lower. Shoot for more weekends if that's what you're able to make the most of.

 

.

[somanymistakes]

I'm also the child of divorced parents.

 

If your son were older (9 or 10 minimum IMO), a split like she's suggesting would be possible. It would minimise disruption in everyone's lives and still give you time together.

 

However, your son is way too young for that. He's still barely forming memories at this point. If you drop back and take the lesser share of time, you will drift apart whether you intend to or not. If you give him up like that now, he'll never really know you.

[road]

You take less time now you won't get that time

increased later.

 

 

Also you let WW have more time now WW will be

getting a lot more money/ CS which will most likely

never get reduced.

 

 

And, you will never make up for that lost time with

your child.

[Heathen]

The choice to spend less time with your child is never the correct choice.

 

There are so many men who take the easy way out. It is easier to give up custody. Free up your time to work. Let her handle it except for every other weekend. You can call yourself a father , but what will your child call you?

 

You are 6 months into the separation. Of course he may cry for his mother, but he is only 2.5 years old and you are 6 months into the separation. He will adjust and soon he will start school and things will be a bit easier.

 

If you are going to carry the title of DAD, then don't quit just because it gets a little tough. That is your child. Your responsibility. If you fold now, you will regret it and sing "cats in the cradle". (look it up).

 

Work it out but keep 50/50

 

My experience? 50% custody for 13 years. I would not trade it for a million dollars. Hard yes, but the memories are worth everything.

 

Hang in there.....Dad.

[Simple Logic]

Hi All,

 

I've had a long running post about my wife leaving for my best friend and all the hell it's been this past year. Thankfully you've all been super helpful. [previous thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/593135-wife-left-best-friend ]

 

Starting this thread because I've been struggling as of lately with a heavy decision regarding custody. And I apologize if it's a bit long.

 

Short story is, we've been doing 50/50 custody for the past 6 months with our 2.5 year old son, which has been working alright, though there's still certain days he still goes to her or comes to me. It's not really a total week to week thing.

 

Her demand on her separation agreement is asking for her to have most of the custody. Allowing me to have my son every second weekend, a few months in the summer, a few hours on birthdays, etc. At first I was really angry about this.

 

Lately I've been struggling with what to do, because the weeks I have him, I only really see him in the evenings after work for an hour or two. And of course the weekend I have him, I get that whole time with him. Which means I am already spending money during my week with him on child care, not getting to see him much, having to see his mother when she takes him 2 of the days that I work. And every time I pick him up, no matter where from, he cries and cries for me to take him to his mother's house.

 

I know that a child needs both parents. But I'm starting to think about giving into her demand. It may be better for him to have more consistency. And maybe seeing me less would make the times we do have, that much more special.

 

What is everyone's thoughts/experiences on this?

 

My thought, do not listen to anyone on here and do what you think is best. Your child is not going to have a normal family irregardless of what you decide. Having the child at day care vs with his mother sounds rather silly. Also forget your wifes demands and stand your ground on what works for you.

[Sweetfish]

It is very imperative you as a father be in his life for his mental development.

Do the research online

[Tribble]

Didn't you mention in your other threads concern over your son while with you STBX-wife? That you have social services involved? Do you really think it's a good idea to give her primary custody while you have these concerns??

[klegacy]

The social services issue is that they've had fleas for quite some time and haven't solved the problem yet. But it looks like the issue has lessened.

 

I want to be a full part of his life. I'm just trying to consider all options and figure out what's best for him.

 

Right now on my week, while I'm at work, he goes to daycare some days and his moms other days. On her week, he comes to see me one night of the week and she only needs daycare two days out of her week. She's definitely more present and around him than I am. By the time he and I get home from work, it's food, bath, bed. Not much time to enjoy our time.

 

I also have a second job that has me work every other weekend evenings. And my main job sometimes needs me much later in the day than normal.

 

He needs both parents. But he also needs consistency and stability. I may be the one with a house. But she is with my son more and has maintained her relationship for the whole year.

[SaveYourHeart]

Keep in mind that the parenting plan you agree upon is put in place as the MINIMUM visitation you'll receive. If you two can be amicable and work together as parents, maybe she'll let you have more time when you're available. The parenting plan you're talking about is pretty common and I've seen it work for many couples, as long as they work together. Remember, you're both in this to give your child the best life y'all can.

[Sweetfish]

The social services issue is that they've had fleas for quite some time and haven't solved the problem yet. But it looks like the issue has lessened.

 

I want to be a full part of his life. I'm just trying to consider all options and figure out what's best for him.

 

Right now on my week, while I'm at work, he goes to daycare some days and his moms other days. On her week, he comes to see me one night of the week and she only needs daycare two days out of her week. She's definitely more present and around him than I am. By the time he and I get home from work, it's food, bath, bed. Not much time to enjoy our time.

 

I also have a second job that has me work every other weekend evenings. And my main job sometimes needs me much later in the day than normal.

 

He needs both parents. But he also needs consistency and stability. I may be the one with a house. But she is with my son more and has maintained her relationship for the whole year.

 

 

Maybe downsize the home and get something more manageable so you don't have to work 2 jobs?

[Life lessons]

Good afternoon! I havent read any responses to your thread but I do know typical arrangements, in regards to child custody, would be every weekend or every other weekend...if you opt for every other weekend, typically, you should get 1 day in the middle of the off weekend, to see your child....whether that's the afternoon or the night....such as a Wednesday or Thursday.

 

I do know from what I've heard and seen, it's often frowned upon a 50/50 split because that's not a lot of stability for a child...especially at such a young age.

 

I'm not certain that's what you're asking but wanted to throw that in.

 

Good luck!

[The_Onceler]

I do know from what I've heard and seen, it's often frowned upon a 50/50 split because that's not a lot of stability for a child...especially at such a young age.

 

The official state guidelines where I live indicate that the three most common custody arrangements are:

 

(1) Sole physical custody to one parent and shared legal

(2) Sole physical and legal custody to one parent

(3) Shared legal and physical custody

 

In all cases, the courts attempt to serve the best interest of the children. Any of these might be the best for the children.

[klegacy]

Maybe downsize the home and get something more manageable so you don't have to work 2 jobs?

 

I wish I could. I haven't owned the house long enough to be able to sell it, I'd end up 10-20K in debt.

[CanJanus]

I only really see him in the evenings after work for an hour or two.

 

I find that sometimes those two midweek hours are the most meaningful hours of the entire week. Remember that whatever you get now is what you will get for the rest of your child's life. If you lose shared custody, you will never get it back.

 

In a few years, your child will start going to bed later and you will have much more time in the evenings.

 

It may be better for him to have more consistency.

 

That is ridiculous. There is no consistency in a child's life. They have rules at home. They have different rules at school. They have different rules at daycare. They have different rules at the grandparent's house.

 

Kids are surprisingly adaptable. Don't buy into the line of "stability" or "consistency". If you give up on your kids now, they will lose a father, and the damage that does will outweigh any notional benefit they get from fewer transitions.

 

And maybe seeing me less would make the times we do have, that much more special.

 

Anecdote:

 

My daughter was talking to me about her favourite memories. Was it the vacation we took together? The awesome show that we saw? The epic road trip?

 

No, her favourite memory was once when she was sick and I took off work and we snuggled on the couch and watched movies together.

 

You don't get that as a weekend disney wannabe dad.

[Mr. Lucky]

Right now on my week, while I'm at work, he goes to daycare some days and his moms other days. On her week, he comes to see me one night of the week and she only needs daycare two days out of her week. She's definitely more present and around him than I am. By the time he and I get home from work, it's food, bath, bed. Not much time to enjoy our time.

 

I also have a second job that has me work every other weekend evenings. And my main job sometimes needs me much later in the day than normal.

 

I wish I could. I haven't owned the house long enough to be able to sell it, I'd end up 10-20K in debt.

 

klegacy, I was divorced when my son was 3. He's now a grown man with his own children, so here's the view from the other side.

 

To actively co-parent, you're going to have to re-prioritize your life. Career advancement, financial success, home equity and your love life will need to move down the list while Little League, Cub Scouts and days together move up. You can't have it all as there's simply no substitute for time together.

 

Either you're there or you're not, it's as simple as that. Parenting is a hands-on job, got to be within arms length to do it. At least to me, you'd be giving up an awful lot for very little in return...

 

Mr. Lucky