PickledHead Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 I'm trying to get tips I guess on how to switch off the thought of MM having sex with W I've been the OW for a long time and it's not something I have really had to deal with. Whilst they have been married a long time the marriage was never an overly sexual one so it's something he can and does avoid. They haven't had sex for well over a year and so whilst it lurks in my mind on certain occasions it's not a big concern normally However his W is very suspicious that he is having an A and has been commenting more and more that he hasn't got an interest in her in that way. Due to the frequency of her saying this, then I know it's only a matter of time before he will do it. He tells me that's not the case and he would Struggle to be able to but I think it's inevitable and it's making me Feel physically sick. I'm happy with my relationship with him overall but this is really eating me Up and I can't switch off from it. Before anyone tells me I have no right, I'm more than aware of this but it's how it is and I just wonder if anyone else has been through similar and managed to actually blank it out Link to post Share on other sites
Lovetoo Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 Well, me honestly I'd assume at some point he and her will have sex. And being that he is married, that's outside of your control. Even if they aren't, I'd safely assume they were or atkeast it's within the realm of possibility. Why are you happy with this? Are you fine if he never leaves? One reason he may be still there is because you give him what she won't. Do you want to impede the progress of them either working it out or realizing they need to separate? You are an obstacle for them as of now. I say, put yourself in her shoes. You deserve more than what he is able and capable of offering. Get out of their and your own way. Nothing but love. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 The thought will consume you and eat you up until you almost go insane if you love this man. That is why you need to get out of the A. It is that simple. YOu have the right as a human being, to be at peace with yourself and not live in torment. You have to make this happen. It's the only solution. Poppy. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Simple Logic Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 So he is lies to his W about having an affair and truthful with you about not having sex with his W? Not likely. 14 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PickledHead Posted March 28, 2017 Author Share Posted March 28, 2017 It is actually hence the reason for my more recent concern. Iv seen for myself her comments about how long it has been That's not the reason for my post though and I appreciate why people may have other opinions. I was just after advice on how to blank it out but so far it seems that's not possible 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 I don't think it is possible. How would you "trick" your mind into never thinking about it? Take a long hard look at what you get out of this relationship. How it makes you feel. How you envision the future, and the likely hood of a happily ever after. Perhaps thinking about them being intimate. Sharing a bed. Chatting over breakfast. Making holiday plans. Exchanging "I love yous" and all of the rest of the things married couples do will help you see the reality of the situation. You are trying to ignore, turn a blind eye etc - but your gut is telling you to face this reality. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Origin Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 From personal experience it's hard to block out, in your case however maybe he won't sleep with her. The thing you have to think about here is why is he still with her?? Is this going anywhere for you?? I mean it is inevitable they will sleep together if they stay together. Like the person above wrote, maybe she fullfils him emotionally and you just physically...it's a possibility. If you see this going somewhere maybe give it a shot, stick it out, but if you see it not going anywhere...get out now before you get really hurt and it is very painful, I learned the hard way, multiple times, it destroys you as a person after a while. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Jemima1234 Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 Oh I can completely relate to this!! Has always been my biggest struggle. My xMM has told me he hasn't had sex with his wife for a long time. I don't know whether that's true or not but she seems to be unhappy with their sex life and feels he not interested at all!! But he has been honest that he will have to make a choice at some point - and the thought consumes me!!!! And how can a choice be possible anyway?! i really feel your pain. So hard and shows why this is a rubbish situation!! Why we have to get out Link to post Share on other sites
Author PickledHead Posted March 28, 2017 Author Share Posted March 28, 2017 i understand the reasons he is still where he is. It's not my ideal situation but it is what it is I know it can't last forever but I love him and for now it suits me the majority of the time. When it doesn't then I might get a bit down but I accepted ir for the time it goes on, which will be until I decide to walk and at the moment I don't want to This is the part that is really messing with me though. He assure she me inneed not worry and part of me believes him but to maintain his life at home it is going to have to happen and I fear sooner rather than later Link to post Share on other sites
Birdies Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 Oh this sounds like such a mess. First of all, if his wife is super suspicious, then it's just a matter of when this all blows up spectacularly, not if. And you are going to get really hurt when that happens. Also, this guy seems like kind of a conflict avoidant jerk, if his wife wants more intimacy and he won't give it to her, but he's also unwilling to end his marriage and be with you. This is the dictionary definition of having your cake and eat it too. That said, if you're going to say in the affair, unfortunately this is just one of the many, many crappy parts about it. One thing that I find helps me get rid of intrusive thoughts I don't want is to imagine picking the thought up, putting it inside the lock box, shutting the lid and locking it. You know how they say married people in affairs get really good at compartmentalizing? Yeah, I was literally compartmentalizing my thoughts into separate lockboxesin my brain. But hey, it does work. Good luck. And think about what I said, if she's already suspicious, this is going to end badly, sooner rather than later… You would be smart to get out before it blows up in your face. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 I hate to say it but my guess is, his wife may be pregnant now and that's why he's brought up and made up a story about having to do it with her to prevent her from being more suspicious. Let me ask, IF you find out she is pregnant, would you walk away? End the affair? In the meantime try to put it out of your head. He wears a ring, you know he's married and living life with her, spending time with family and friends, in laws, celebrating holidays and birthday's together too. sex between them is going to happen and there's nothing you can do to stop it. Get busy and focus on other people in your life, bond with friends you may not have seen recently. Allow him to do what he wants to do in his marriage. If you don't like it and feel hurt/jealous by them having sex think about ending your A and find a great single guy that you don't have to share. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PickledHead Posted March 29, 2017 Author Share Posted March 29, 2017 Thankyou for the advice She isn't pregnant - neither of them are in a reproductive state for that to happen And even if they were then it would be difficult Considering they haven't had sex recently enough for this to be a possibility. This isn't something he has brought up with me, i became aware of her bringing up the fact that they haven't had sex. Whilst this is something that wouldn't be a problem with them usually she is stating it inline with her suspicions as he Hasn't made attempts I do worry now and then it will all blow up but then on other occasions I think she is already aware and turns a blind eye just raising it now and then Link to post Share on other sites
FoundLove Posted March 29, 2017 Share Posted March 29, 2017 From personal experience I agree - you will never know when they have sex. He most definitely isn't going to tell you about it. They are married and sleep in the same bed, so there will be sex. He's lying to you if he says they are never intimate. That's what married men do unfortunately. They lie. I was heartbroken when my relationship ended, but now I know it was inevitable. Thankfully it only lasted a couple of months. I would have gone stir crazy if I had to put up with all the uncertainty that comes with being with a MM, for much longer. It's just not worth it, believe me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
starswewillnavigate Posted March 29, 2017 Share Posted March 29, 2017 He's a mm - it's an accepted fact that he is going to be having sex, or at least be intimate in someway, with his wife. The precarious position of being the ow is what I couldn't switch off. Easily replaceable, not the only ow on the scene, while xMM had a safe harbour with his wife, could pick and choose when/if he saw me. I can't remember if it was someone on LS that said this but it has always stuck... don't make someone a priority when you're only an option to them. Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy's sister Posted March 29, 2017 Share Posted March 29, 2017 I have at times struggled with this issue but find best way is don't ask him about it. I don't want to know thanks! My mm and I, never discussed our spouses, until dday when he did tell me he had sex once a month or so with wife. Since then and the continuation of our affair I have never asked, neither has he. It's none of my business. I don't want him to lie to me and actually he probably wouldn't... He can be hurtfullly honest. to stop the mind movies it's best not to know. Try stopping discussing it with him and focus on the time you have together as your time. I am also in a long term affair which while having hard times, I am generally accepting and content with situation for now as it works for us both. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PickledHead Posted March 29, 2017 Author Share Posted March 29, 2017 From personal experience I agree - you will never know when they have sex. He most definitely isn't going to tell you about it. They are married and sleep in the same bed, so there will be sex. He's lying to you if he says they are never intimate. That's what married men do unfortunately. They lie. Why is he lying? The last time they were intimate he told me. This whole concern has arose because I have seen communications from her stating how long it has been, stating that he never expresses an interest in her in that way, telling him that he has withdrawn from the M. So is she lying too? Prior to me they were never overly sexual, she is not that way inclined. Going a year with no sex is not something unusual to them and suited her before her suspicions. Due to this he assures me it is something he can avoid with ease but the more time that passes the less I believe this to be possible. I guess I just have to try to hardest to switch off from it and hope for the best Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted March 29, 2017 Share Posted March 29, 2017 Try and focus on his unwillingness to sleep with her and there's a chance it won't happen. If he could outright tell her he's not interested in her that way, that may solve everything. Should it continue she may well decide it's best to pursue sex with another man and then she'll leave stop bothering him for sex and it won't be an issue for all parties involved. Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted March 29, 2017 Share Posted March 29, 2017 If you're privy to their personal communications you are not drawing the line between your life and theirs- that would be a good start. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PickledHead Posted March 29, 2017 Author Share Posted March 29, 2017 We spend a lot of time together. Its difficult to not hear/see communications at times. I think doing my best not to discuss it with him may be the solution. I will feel like I'm in the dark but it may help curb the thoughts slightly Link to post Share on other sites
Hunniebae Posted March 29, 2017 Share Posted March 29, 2017 I don't think it is possible to blank it out. At some point, they will eventually have sex or some form of intimacy to calm her suspicions, considering they haven't had sex in a while. As a woman, if I was not having sex with my partner after a year, six months, two months, a week, I would be highly suspicious that he's receiving it somewhere else. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Southern Sun Posted March 29, 2017 Share Posted March 29, 2017 I'm not sure if there's any great advice for you. My xMM said he and his wife had not had sex for a few years when I entered the picture. He said he was "unable" with her. But that was around the time he had started an affair with a previous OW. He would bring it up from time to time (on Valentine's, their anniversary). He would worry and fret that he might "have" to. He would say he would have to take something. He would actually complain that he couldn't do it and say to me, at least you CAN even if you don't want to! (idiot) So I had kind of a mental block about him and his wife. I just couldn't picture them doing it. And because I knew he was so resistant, it didn't bother me. What DID make me ill was imagining him and his exOW. Because he was obviously very "able" with her. How have I turned it off? By ending the affair and not having to hear about this BS ever again. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted March 29, 2017 Share Posted March 29, 2017 Are you only worried about sex? What else do you worry about? He hasn't divorced her, so obviously there is some love there, he is still sharing life with her. If you aren't OK with him having sex with his wife, why are you staying in this situation? Why do you continue to put yourself in this turmoil? Being distant doesn't equate to them never having sex. Maybe they have, maybe they haven't. None of us are in their bedroom. I'm sure my WH told the OW all sorts of lies about our bedroom, too. Meanwhile, we had a very active sex life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PickledHead Posted March 29, 2017 Author Share Posted March 29, 2017 The insight on this has come from BS thought, not MM - he has just confirmed it. There are no other aspects that concern me greatly. I am Happy with the relationship aside from this recent feeling. Whilst it's an A, we are quite an open couple and it's really not hidden behind closed doors only. I don't doubt for a second he loves her. That may not seem logical given what he is doing but there is definately a form of love there. Also she is not suspicious due to the lack of sex. Lack of sex is the norm, she has suspicions for many other reasons and the fact he hasnt at least attempted to initiate sex in a while is adding to it Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted March 29, 2017 Share Posted March 29, 2017 You should probably just not try to avoid the thought. Embrace it. Think of it often and feel the pain. That's reality. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Taxed Posted March 29, 2017 Share Posted March 29, 2017 Wow, so a year without sex, really? That is a bit extreme, I´d say, unless there are other things at stake such as one or both of them being on some sort of medication that inhibits the libido and/or psychological/physiological etcetera issues. Sex is a way to show and exchange affection and connection - to go without if there is love in a relationship seems very unlikely, does it not? Of course, some people define themselves as asexual but this does not seem to be the case, at least for MM. I would be sceptical if I were you. Link to post Share on other sites
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