How as the OW do you switch off sex thoughts

[harrybrown]

i would be very skeptical that they do not have sex.

 

They are married.

[whichwayisup]

Why is he lying? The last time they were intimate he told me. This whole concern has arose because I have seen communications from her stating how long it has been, stating that he never expresses an interest in her in that way, telling him that he has withdrawn from the M.

 

So is she lying too?

 

Prior to me they were never overly sexual, she is not that way inclined. Going a year with no sex is not something unusual to them and suited her before her suspicions. Due to this he assures me it is something he can avoid with ease but the more time that passes the less I believe this to be possible.

 

I guess I just have to try to hardest to switch off from it and hope for the best

 

Is he showing you their texts or do you have his passwords? Other than him telling you stuff, how is it that you know so much about it?

 

You need to try to stop focusing on their marriage and sex life. It's not your business what they do or don't do behind closed doors.

[Jemima1234]

Sexless relationships exist!! I know cos have lived one for many years!!

[PickledHead]

As have I Jemima - I easily went a year at a time with no sex. I had no medical issues and I am not asexual. I just didn't want to have sex with my H. No suprise we are no longer together.

 

MM doesn't offer up his messages and any calls he tries to take away from me as I am not comfortable. We went away recently and it wasn't so easy to avoid hearing some conversations - one of these followed by a message that arrived as we were watching something on his phone confirmed that the last time he was intimate was when he has told me and this is causing her her own concerns

 

I'm not sure why the thread has turned into one telling me I am being lied to but I thankyou all for your advice anyway

[RecentChange]

It's surprises me that some people expect monogamy and honesty in an affair.

 

And I am not trying to say this from a glass tower. I have cheated, I have been in an affair, and at times I even surprised myself by how easily and convincingly I could lie. At some point you even start to believe it.

 

He may not be lying about sex with his wife, but do know this is a man who is very comfortable with being dishonest, decietful and lying on the fly. To be a successful cheater he must. Know this about his character.

 

My married man and myself never made any suggestions that we weren't having sex with our spouses, in a sick and twisted way, we both admitted that the additional sex, the boosts to our libidos actually enhanced our sex lives at home.

 

He also lied about somethings that there was simply no point in lying about - but at that point I think it had become a habit, as it had become for me as well.

 

So perhaps he is able to lie to his wife, the person who he has made oaths to every day, while never allowing his habit of dishonestly to overflow into your relationship.

 

Perhaps he can be truely monogamous, while living a double life of a cheater (I do think many men have a greater capacity to compartmentalize sex from emotion than many women do).

 

Perhaps he is totally upstanding on one foot, and a liar and a cheat on the other....

 

But I do recommend you try to take in the WHOLE picture. All of him. The loyal monogamous man you know, and the man who lies in the face of his wife every single day.

 

How do you reconcile both of those men being one and the same?

[Birdies]

I don't know why people are so hung up on insisting that they MUST have sex. No....there are plenty of sexless marriages out there, and guess what folks, they are surely correlated with unhappy marriages and men in affairs! My former MM hadn't had sex with his wife in at least 2 years. I know that to be undoubtably true. My husband and I did still have some intimacy, but it was very few and far between....every couple months. For people in crappy marriages, sexlessness happens more than you would think, if you haven't been there.

Edited March 29, 2017 by Birdies

[Southwardbound]

I'm trying to get tips I guess on how to switch off the thought of MM having sex with W

 

I've been the OW for a long time and it's not something I have really had to deal with. Whilst they have been married a long time the marriage was never an overly sexual one so it's something he can and does avoid. They haven't had sex for well over a year and so whilst it lurks in my mind on certain occasions it's not a big concern normally

 

However his W is very suspicious that he is having an A and has been commenting more and more that he hasn't got an interest in her in that way. Due to the frequency of her saying this, then I know it's only a matter of time before he will do it. He tells me that's not the case and he would

Struggle to be able to but I think it's inevitable and it's making me

Feel physically sick.

 

I'm happy with my relationship with him overall but this is really eating me

Up and I can't switch off from it. Before anyone tells me

I have no right, I'm more than aware of this but it's how it is and I just wonder if anyone else has been through similar and managed to actually blank it out

 

As an OW - you can't tell him no W sex. Maybe they only have duty sex/ companionate sex? Maybe, they do have some good sex? After all how good sex/ making love- is - is all about your feelings for each other, what effort you put into it, & how one is feeling in their mind.

 

Don't beat yourself up over what they do in her home. You'll drive yourself nuts. Please don't think I don't commiserate with you, I get that it is hard to switch it off. About the only time I do think about her is probably when they are doing family holidays. Ya, that bugs me. However, I don't want to him to miss out on those times with his children.

 

But ask yourself this, if you're in a LTA - what is he missing in his marriage? Sure sex is probably a factor, but in an LTA, it's not the only factor. There's a reason why he's seeing you, figure out what it is, cause that is the the 'real' relationship-why behind why he sees you & work with that.

 

Don't think about her, what he does with her is separate. My MM every so often asks me if I'm jealous of her. I say to him - no, I'm not / don't think about her and I'm not jealous of her, either. -I rarely think of her, unless he's talking directly about her, what they are doing as a family and how those actions might affect my time with him. That is his -their life. It's not mine. It's Not yours. All you need to be interested in as far as 'their life' is if it affects your doing something with him. It's a bummer- cause she gets precedent. Accept it, or quit your LTA.

 

I wonder are you, in the LTA, because you are waiting for his or your circumstances to change - so that you can be together?

[PickledHead]

I don't dwell on their relationship. Don't get me wrong there I times I get really frustrated with the situation but not to a major level. This is the biggest thing I have struggled with and more so as it's not something that I have really had to deal with during the A

 

I'm not jealous of his W but I do envy what she could have.

 

I'm single and MM would not dream of telling me that I couldn't do things with other men and likewise I wouldn't tell him that he can't have sex with W. i don't venture away from him though and not only would it be difficult, I don't want to.

 

I get it's an A and I'm not the priority and I miss out on certain aspects but I don't miss out on an awful lot if I'm honest. I was married prior to this and this trumps my marriage massively.

 

I spend quality time with MM daily, we have date nights, we spend majority of every weekend together, we go away together, he attends functions with me, I spend time with his friends and some of his family.

 

We are not together properley for a number of reasons and I understand them. Does it suck? Sure it does but I get more from the relationship then any I have previously had. Is there a better option for me? More than likely... but to find that I would have to give up MM and at the moment I don't want to do that. Maybe I never will - I don't know

 

All I know is this is a man I love and the thought of him having sex with someone makes me feel ill. Maybe if it happened more in the M it wouldn't be such an issue for me but it doesn't and so this is a new obstacle for me

To deal with. I know I'm completely wrong to feel like it but I do

[Southwardbound]

I don't dwell on their relationship. Don't get me wrong there I times I get really frustrated with the situation but not to a major level. This is the biggest thing I have struggled with and more so as it's not something that I have really had to deal with during the A

 

I'm not jealous of his W but I do envy what she could have.

 

I'm single and MM would not dream of telling me that I couldn't do things with other men and likewise I wouldn't tell him that he can't have sex with W. i don't venture away from him though and not only would it be difficult, I don't want to.

 

I get it's an A and I'm not the priority and I miss out on certain aspects but I don't miss out on an awful lot if I'm honest. I was married prior to this and this trumps my marriage massively.

 

I spend quality time with MM daily, we have date nights, we spend majority of every weekend together, we go away together, he attends functions with me, I spend time with his friends and some of his family.

 

We are not together properley for a number of reasons and I understand them. Does it suck? Sure it does but I get more from the relationship then any I have previously had. Is there a better option for me? More than likely... but to find that I would have to give up MM and at the moment I don't want to do that. Maybe I never will - I don't know

 

All I know is this is a man I love and the thought of him having sex with someone makes me feel ill. Maybe if it happened more in the M it wouldn't be such an issue for me but it doesn't and so this is a new obstacle for me

To deal with. I know I'm completely wrong to feel like it but I do

- Pickledhead, I don't understand why you 'envy what she could have?' Does that mean you wish you were her? Remember, he is cheating on her to be with you. Would you really wish to have the exact relationship, he has with her?

 

Funny - you say your 'you say your MM wouldn't dream of telling you - you couldn't do things with other men.' I wonder, have you ever actually put this to the test? My MM has repeatedly told me, if I step out with other men, that's it for us. Which is ironic, if one thinks about it, considering he steps out on his W all the time. A weird double-standard that surely is.

 

I totally get how this is a man you love, and lets face it, if you love someone, no one really likes sharing them with another. I'll admit, I have the same feelings, that you do. So, I get that it is difficult to deal with. Sadly, as long as your in this LTA, those feelings probably won't go away. Or, at least, that is the conclusion, I've come to, for myself. So, I just don't go there mentally.

[PickledHead]

I meant that I don't envy the relationship they have but I envy that she is in a position to have a relationship I envied

 

We are complete opposites of each other in every way so her life isn't one that appeals to me and likewise mine would hold no appeal to her

[Southwardbound]

I meant that I don't envy the relationship they have but I envy that she is in a position to have a relationship I envied

 

We are complete opposites of each other in every way so her life isn't one that appeals to me and likewise mine would hold no appeal to her

 

Don't you think its odd that he has picked two women who are complete opposites? It's like both of you make a whole. It makes me wonder (and I'm sorry to say this), if he divorced her, would he actually pick you?

 

When I was unavailable for years, my MM ended up picking a W, who is very much like me in many ways. But missing a few key elements, which is why I think he is back in an LTA with me again, now that I'm available.

[whichwayisup]

Yet if something happens to him and he ends up in the hospital, you won't be allowed by his bedside. If something happens to you, he won't be able to sit by your side either. At least not for long periods of time.

 

I just hope you realize that you've made him your everything and 1st priority. Yet he hasn't done the same for you, because of his wife and family life.

 

You deserve better. But if you're okay settling for what you're getting from him and that makes you happy, then embrace it and do your best to accept that he is going to have sex with his wife. You're very emotionally attached and that's why the thought of him with her makes you sick.

[sandylee1]

I meant that I don't envy the relationship they have but I envy that she is in a position to have a relationship I envied

 

We are complete opposites of each other in every way so her life isn't one that appeals to me and likewise mine would hold no appeal to her

 

I was a bit confused by you envying her too. I don't see that this is a marriage to envy or that he is a dream man, considering he's been cheating on her for so long.

 

How can you envy a woman, who's husband hasn't slept with her for over a year and the thought of doing so seems to fill him with dread.

 

I honestly don't understand what there is to envy.

 

From the sound of things, you spend more time with him than she does.

 

I guess I'd also be wondering how long this is sustainable. Is there a time it will be easier for him to leave? When the kids grow up maybe?

 

Or will you be happy as a lifetime mistress if leaving even in the future is out of the question?

 

Do you see yourself still in this at 60/70 years of age?

[Southwardbound]

I was a bit confused by you envying her too. I don't see that this is a marriage to envy or that he is a dream man, considering he's been cheating on her for so long.

 

How can you envy a woman, who's husband hasn't slept with her for over a year and the thought of doing so seems to fill him with dread.

 

I honestly don't understand what there is to envy.

 

From the sound of things, you spend more time with him than she does.

 

I guess I'd also be wondering how long this is sustainable. Is there a time it will be easier for him to leave? When the kids grow up maybe?

 

Or will you be happy as a lifetime mistress if leaving even in the future is out of the question?

 

Do you see yourself still in this at 60/70 years of age?

 

*That is why I asked that question (the envy one), too.

 

Your other questions are good ones, and they're ones I've even asked myself when I started back down this route again with my OM. How long can one sustain an LTA? - For me, I'm single, but I currently have kids & OM has kids. Both our kids will be out of the house in University in another 4 years. So, the family situation will alter then. I don't see myself as a 'lifetime mistress, [nor do I see myself] still in this, at 60.' I'll give it max another 4 years, then he will have to make the leap, or we're done. Of course are there any surety's in any relationship- that our LTA will even last until we get to that point? No, I'm under no illusions, as far as that goes. Do I view that 4 years as 'wasted time?' - A question, I've seen posed on this site many times before. No, I don't consider it 'wasted time.' I do love him, and I don't view being with the one you love as a 'waste.' I'd bet Pickledhead... doesn't feel like her love is a waste, either.

 

However, I was content on my own before he popped back into my life, & I'm sure I can go back to that 'State of being.' Or, I can find another who possibly makes me feel happy. I guess, if it's not meant to be, in the long run for him & me, then that's what I'll do. I'm sure, too, if it doesn't work out for us, just as when any relationship breaks up, I'll feel tremendous heartache.

[gettingstronger]

I watched A Beautiful Mind last night. One scene really struck me, he talked about his paranoia, then said- they're like nightmares and if you feed them they get bigger- they never go away, but if I ignore them they get weaker. Sounds simple but I did find it powerful.

[stillafool]

It's best to just stay in your lane and not worry about what's going on in his marriage. You will drive yourself and him crazy.

[Doublegold]

SO, the married folk and or betrayed spouses on this thread are telling Picklehead that her MM must be having sex, or, of course they are having sex, everyone married has sex. Etc. Etc. Etc.

 

And then you go over to the Married and Life Partnership board and it is all about how many are in a sexless marriage.

 

"Your first sentence is correct, these threads pop up here with depressing regularity. Unfortunately, despite the constant discussion, no magic bullet has yet been found. Can't make her want to do something she doesn't want to do, can't make you stop yearning for the missing intimacy."

 

A response to a guy married three years who has been granted sex maybe twice in 22 months?

 

Sure, keep telling OP how it is. Because she can't be right, right?

[Poppy47]

Sexless marriages can and do happen.

 

Mine was completely sexless for so many years I can't exactly remember.. yet the relationship worked well on other levels. It just didn't have the intimacy and closeness I would have loved.

 

xMM said his marriage had been sexless for many years also. I believed him.

 

Poppy.

[sandylee1]

SO, the married folk and or betrayed spouses on this thread are telling Picklehead that her MM must be having sex, or, of course they are having sex, everyone married has sex. Etc. Etc. Etc.

 

And then you go over to the Married and Life Partnership board and it is all about how many are in a sexless marriage.

 

"Your first sentence is correct, these threads pop up here with depressing regularity. Unfortunately, despite the constant discussion, no magic bullet has yet been found. Can't make her want to do something she doesn't want to do, can't make you stop yearning for the missing intimacy."

 

A response to a guy married three years who has been granted sex maybe twice in 22 months?

 

Sure, keep telling OP how it is. Because she can't be right, right?

 

Usually when a main has a healthy sexual appetite, he'll have sex if his wife is up for it. That's the difference in this situation.

 

A cheating MM will happily have sex with both his wife and mistress.

 

I guess his BW would be one of those posting on a forum ... about her husband not being interested in sex for over a year.

 

I expect the responses would be:

 

He might be gay

He might be cheating

Try and spice it up or leave the marriage.

 

Or some may advise her to get a secret lover. She might be doing that already. Who knows.

[PickledHead]

She definately isn't doing that - some women just aren't built that way. Sex isn't a priority to her An isn't a real interest.

 

In this case it's very much something she would do more so to please him. Had she not had her suspicions about him having an affair then the lack of sex probably wouldn't have been a concern for her.

 

When I was married the sex for the last few years was extremely rare.. when I did partake it was to get it out of the way knowing it would buy me another long stretch of time not having to worry about it. She is noticing the lack of it now because she isn't having to partake because it isn't being requested. I also have a married friend who hasn't had sex with her H for over 4 years... still married though and still outwardly seem like a happily married couple!

 

As for the envying her - I don't!! She is just in a position to have a relationship I envied. If she had the same interests as me an so did the things I liked with MM then I would envy her! As it is there time spent together doesn't appeal to me. I obviously can't see behind closed doors but I know there time spent together and what he is up to as we communicate so often: and yes I do spend more time with him then her and it might not be building a future or general life but it is quality time all the same:

 

If he was single I do not doubt for one second we would be together but a divorce isn't an option. There marriage might not be my ideal

But it's comfortable. They are a few reasons that he stays put and I understand and appreciate them, due to this I wouldn't ask him to be with me full time.

[elaine567]

You're very emotionally attached and that's why the thought of him with her makes you sick.

 

Agreed.

 

OP

You are ready, willing and able to take this to the next level and that is why you are now getting past the "I am willing to accept just about anything to keep him in my life"

Now you are starting to question things.

It is no longer good enough for you to share him.

 

If this is such a significant relationship, why won't he leave her?

If I am as important as I seem to be, why is this not progressing?

Am I wasting my time?

Why does he still feel he may need to have sex with her?

If it is really all over, then why is he still there?

Yes he may have "valid" excuses, but she is still a major player in his life, why is that?

 

It seems to be a common problem in long term affairs. The OW is past the "A bit of fun stage", now it is serious for her, she loves him, she wants all of him, she starts getting upset, she need reassurance, she starts demanding.

At this stage, unless his wife gives him no choice and she throws him out, then he may get annoyed after a while with the OW.

 

"This is an affair it is meant to be fun, I have a wife I do not need another one... put up and shut up or leave." He may go cold to "punish" the OW, the OW is destroyed, she can't leave, not now, not after all those years.. she puts up until she can't do it any longer. Or he just dumps her for a newer more compliant model or he simply goes back to his wife...

 

I think you are getting near big decision time. YOU are now emotionally invested and you need some big answers from him. This arrangement may have suited you, and it may continue for a little while longer, but change needs to come pretty soon.

[PickledHead]

There marriage is not over - this was never meant to be an exit for him. When ithe A is done An dusted he is not going to be living a life of hell. It's a very secure. comfortable life with a wife he loves.(Iv said before I don't know in what way that is but he does)

 

He doesn't feel like he has to be having sex with her. My worry of it has come from the fact it has been so long and she is stating that the lack of sex is more fuel to her affair thought. He tells me it won't be happening and is not big issue for him to get out of it but my whole point is I can't see how that's possible to do whilst trying to convincingly deny an affair and so it's playing on my mind.

 

This has been going on well over 2 years now and it is getting harder so I know it's only a matter of Time but I haven't hit breaking point just yet

[whichwayisup]

and yes I do spend more time with him then her and it might not be building a future or general life but it is quality time all the same:

 

It isn't the same. You two aren't building a life together and sharing everything. You aren't his primary relationship. Sorry if that hurts to read but it's the truth. He has entwined family with her, friends, a house, responsibilities, money etc., so comparing your A vs their M is pointless.

 

You're comfortable and settling for him. All the meanwhile he's living life with his wife, investing her too and you get the short end of the stick. Holidays, birthdays etc aren't spent with you. You can't bring him home or go out with him with your friends or be included in his personal life (friends, family). This seems 'safe' for you ... But for how long will you be content? The jealously of him having sex with his wife will continue to eat at you and make you feel awful.

[PickledHead]

I don't understand this forum at times!!! So much is said as an absolute certainty when it's not the case. Opinions are one thing and brilliant but to state things as such a matter of fact about what is happening to the people who are living it and know who know baffles me.

 

I didn't say are time together was the same, I'm not making comparisons with A and M and actually said we're not building a life together? A previous poster had said it sounds like we spend more time together and I was confirming that - I'm not making a grand claim, just responded

 

i do spend birthdays (mine and his) and occasions with him.. he knows and is accepted my family and friends. Likewise I do spend time with his friends and some Members of his family. I had already said this though!

[Southwardbound]

I don't understand this forum at times!!! So much is said as an absolute certainty when it's not the case. Opinions are one thing and brilliant but to state things as such a matter of fact about what is happening to the people who are living it and know who know baffles me.

 

I didn't say are time together was the same, I'm not making comparisons with A and M and actually said we're not building a life together? A previous poster had said it sounds like we spend more time together and I was confirming that - I'm not making a grand claim, just responded

 

i do spend birthdays (mine and his) and occasions with him.. he knows and is accepted my family and friends. Likewise I do spend time with his friends and some Members of his family. I had already said this though!

 

I wish I had ability to PM, but I'm not there yet.

 

PickledHead your circumstances sound close to mine in many ways (although no relationship I think is ever exactly the same). My OM & I spend birthdays together, too. He knows my family & friends. I know his friends, personally, the family - no - other than the mother- I've met her years ago.

 

About the sex - my OM says he doesn't have sex with her much, but I can always tell when he does - cause he slightly pulls away from me emotionally. I just wondered if you, or others have experienced this also?

And when I say pulls away emotionally - he cuts our contact time down, in terms of verbally, or delays seeing me. And I wonder too, if this is a part of the 'push-pull' that often seems to characterize affairs?