How as the OW do you switch off sex thoughts

[PickledHead]

The last time he has sex with W I knew before he told me. I've obviously known him a long time and so I know his moods, expressions and the second I saw him I knew something was off. This was at a time where I had tried to walk away and so we hadn't seen or spoke for a few days so I initially presumed that it was due to that. When I asked and he told me he had had sex it floored me. Before then I had tried not to think about it An thought i could deal with it but it made me Feel worse then when I found out about my husbands affair

 

Shouldn't have as I have no right but it did

[Southwardbound]

The last time he has sex with W I knew before he told me. I've obviously known him a long time and so I know his moods, expressions and the second I saw him I knew something was off. This was at a time where I had tried to walk away and so we hadn't seen or spoke for a few days so I initially presumed that it was due to that. When I asked and he told me he had had sex it floored me. Before then I had tried not to think about it An thought i could deal with it but it made me Feel worse then when I found out about my husbands affair

 

Shouldn't have as I have no right but it did

 

Mostly, I don't ask, even if I think I know. At least he was honest with you. He could have lied. But, why did you ask, knowing it would cause you heartache?

But then - sometimes I know I say stuff, it's like I can't not keep my mouth shut, not because I really want to know, but because I want him to remind him about the choices he has made, / is making on a daily basis; so he can't not skirt around his actions. Or, lie to me, if I really wish to know what he's thinking, / or why he did a particular action. Of course, that doesn't mean I always like the answers, I receive back from him.

[sandylee1]

I just wonder how long he can get away with not having sex with her realistically. I know people have years of sexless marriages, but I wouldn't put up with it.

 

I guess it depends on what their sex life used to be before, because in my 20 years relationship with my husband, he's never turned me down for sex once and he never would, even though I am frequently not up for it. I'd get instantly suspicious if he did turn me down or think he was dying or something.

 

It's strange how one spouse having an affair, not wanting sex with their wife, can actually lead to the wife having an A of her own. This happened in one case I know and the MM was devastated and furious at the same time. I was shocked considering he'd been doing the same and he blamed himself, then dumped his OW.

 

He said (to the OW), it must have been because he was always with the OW that his wife did it. I thought it was his perfect opportunity to leave his wife and be with the OW full time, but he still wanted his wife regardless of her cheating.

[stillafool]

I just wonder how long he can get away with not having sex with her realistically. I know people have years of sexless marriages, but I wouldn't put up with it.

 

I guess it depends on what their sex life used to be before, because in my 20 years relationship with my husband, he's never turned me down for sex once and he never would, even though I am frequently not up for it. I'd get instantly suspicious if he did turn me down or think he was dying or something.

 

It's strange how one spouse having an affair, not wanting sex with their wife, can actually lead to the wife having an A of her own. This happened in one case I know and the MM was devastated and furious at the same time. I was shocked considering he'd been doing the same and he blamed himself, then dumped his OW.

 

He said (to the OW), it must have been because he was always with the OW that his wife did it. I thought it was his perfect opportunity to leave his wife and be with the OW full time, but he still wanted his wife regardless of her cheating.

This happens all the time. They will carry on their affairs but when they find out their wife has somebody else they can't handle it. There was a male poster here not too long ago who was adamant about divorcing his wife and going with his OW. We told him to get the balls to tell his wife. When he did she was glad and informed him she had been having her own affair. Instead of being over the moon with happiness he was butt hurt and you could tell he wanted to reconcile. Weird. Must be a male ego thing.

[Deidre]

That's one of many lies he's probably telling you, that they're rarely having sex. I wouldn't believe anything he says, and you deserve better, honestly.

[PickledHead]

Another reply that ignores all other posts and knows the facts in my

Life better than I do!!

 

Sandylee - I never tried it on with my H to get a refusal but his non attempts made me raise an eyebrow for sure. I think I turned a blind eye subconsciously because it meant him getting it elsewhere meant I had quite an easy run of it for a while.. I think that is the case with a fair few BS but over time it becomes a bit much

 

still a fool - that's my point really. There sex life pre A was never up to much, I know from our time in that sense that he has never had much variation. I don't mean that In a negative way but she really just isn't about sex.. I have friends that are similar and it's just how some people are. Sounds odd but whilst we are not just about sex - sex is one of the things that is just ours (wrong I know) but that's why this whole predicament is causing me bother

[Poppy47]

Another reply that ignores all other posts and knows the facts in my

Life better than I do!!

 

Sandylee - I never tried it on with my H to get a refusal but his non attempts made me raise an eyebrow for sure. I think I turned a blind eye subconsciously because it meant him getting it elsewhere meant I had quite an easy run of it for a while.. I think that is the case with a fair few BS but over time it becomes a bit much

 

still a fool - that's my point really. There sex life pre A was never up to much, I know from our time in that sense that he has never had much variation. I don't mean that In a negative way but she really just isn't about sex.. I have friends that are similar and it's just how some people are. Sounds odd but whilst we are not just about sex - sex is one of the things that is just ours (wrong I know) but that's why this whole predicament is causing me bother

 

You are right. Some people are sexual and some aren't. It's a very individual need.

 

Poppy.

[sandylee1]

The whole no sex thing... I get it... Because this guy (that I know), said his wife always rejected his initiation... Then I told him to stop trying... Two months down the line she was suspicious of him not approaching her, saying it was unlike him.

 

She became so upset and actually wanted a divorce, because she was convinced he was cheating.

 

He was unsatisfied with their sex life, but still didn't snap up her offer of a divorce... Because of the money.

 

He said, he's going to carry on cheating and won't get divorced and would fight her on it if she tried.

 

 

 

He would start kissing her a** and being super nice to put her off the thought of divorce.

 

I just don't get it sometimes.

[Hunniebae]

I think its kind of hard for some people to understand that his w is not suspicious of her h not wanting sex. If she's stating that it has been a long time since sex has happened between the two of them, then she's full aware of how long it has been and probably wondering why sex has not happened.

 

As a woman, we all have intuition. Regardless to her low sex drive (as you state) she is aware that if he's not getting it from her, he's getting it somewhere else. If you know him in the amount of time you two have been together, she also knows him. She probably does not want to believe that he's satisfying his needs outside of the marriage but trust me she knows something isn't right and that may be the reason she sent him the text message stating the lack/long time since sex has happened.

 

As far as trying to get the thought out of your mind, it will not happen unless he leaves her. Eventually sex will happen in some type of form, if it has not already happened in some type of form.

 

Why is he refusing to initiate sex with her IF he is not leaving her?

[sandylee1]

I think that sometimes while a wife may not want sex, through a low libido, she wants to know that her husband still wants it with her regardless of whether she is up for it. The lack of initiating sex is a clue in itself.

 

So if the pre affair norm was little sex, because she didn't want it, but he still regularly initiated it and any change in that 'norm', even will give rise to suspicion.

 

In order to allay that suspicion, he will at some point in time have to engage in some sexual activity with her.

[PickledHead]

SandyLee I completely agree and that's why it's now in my head

 

He says he isn't initiating it because he says he doesn't want to. As they were not ones to have sex a lot pre affair, that is not a big part of their relationship. She isn't suspicious because of the lack of sex, over the course of the A (which is over 2 years now) a lot had happened and she has had major suspicions. i don't know how she doesn't know but she has flagged with him the changes in him and recently the fact he isn't showing attention in that way has been mentioned.

 

He has said that he would struggle with her In that way now as he feels like he would strangely feel like he way betraying me.. He knows that thought process is wrong and it gets to him that he thinks like that.

[stillafool]

It would seem to me if she has been rejecting him even before the affair and now all of sudden she only wants sex to make sure he isn't doing it with someone else if I were him I would flat out reject her. I would be like you never wanted it before and now you want to hold a gun to my head for it. No way.

[aileD]

It was really difficult for me to do this. But I want you to see this. This is real.

 

quick background (if you don't know me, read my story).. together 24 years, H had affair with girl 20 years his junior. Thought he was in love, they thought it was a fairytale, etc etc etc. They had a secret email account. I found it. I forwarded all the messages to my phone before he could delete them. A years worth at that time. I just had to go through like 30 of them to find the one I want to share with you. It wasn't pleasant for me but I want you to see how MM lie. I want you to see that it's really a RARE situation where he's not having sex with his wife or only "minimal" sex. And I want you to see what MM say to you vs what reality is. You can play the "my mm is different, they aren't ALL this way" card all you want...but everyone...EVERYONE thinks THEY are the exception....there are not that many exceptions. Yes Cocorio, we know you're probably one of them, please save us the reply as we already know what yours was the exception....But if you look at this board, there are way more rules than exceptions to the rules.

 

Anyway. This is what he wrote to her (I'm not sharing the whole disgusting letter, just the parts that relate to this subject) cut and paste:

 

(OW's Name) There is something you need to know. - When AileD

said to me that if I do not come back and be with her then I need to

pack my stuff and move out or she is going to pack it for me and move me out... .I went back and tried to pretend you and I were really not

together. - She asked me to sleep upstairs and work on her and

I and if I was going to be here I needed to work on her and I, and

so I did. We have been together sexually several times, but I

did so because I was trying to keep her off and away from us.

There was another time prior to that when she was (UPSET) and I lost it and cried and it just happened. -

 

I know this must hurt you. I did not do it out of love for her or

because I am "in love" , I did it because I was trying to get

her to back off from you and I and I wanted to just have the chance

for us to be us.

 

This wasnt fair to you. - Im not sure if you will take this

well or not. It may even make you not want to be with me. I can

assure you though, that I did it for us.

 

I am sorry I lied recently about being down stairs. I did sleep

on couch the other night and there were several nights I was

still down stairs after that point. I was just trying to get her to

stop drawing her attention on you and I. -

 

If this makes you hate me.. or not want to be with me I am

sorry. I did not mean to hurt you. I only want to bring truth to the

situation. I mean what I say to you.

I love you. I hope you know that.

 

(she makes an unpleasant reply here, he writes back:)

 

I am telling you. I did not expect it. I didn't want it to

continue. There was not an intention to do this.

 

I did not let her close after. I tried to tell you actually. Im sorry I did

not. I told you that she was making advances to me and I was pushing

her away. But when (REMOVED) I just had

a moment of total concern and she used that and I let

it happen. I assure you that I only did it for us

 

 

Yes, it sucked reading that. But it didn't suck that much and you know why? Because that's not how sh*t went down. Not even close. He slept downstairs for about two weeks when I found out about the affair. This email is four months after that. He was back in our bed after TWO weeks. He tells her I "used" situations to get close to him, yet in other breaths he says he did it to make me think the affair was over. "FOR US". He says he never let me close -- have you heard of hysterical bonding? Look it up. We were in that phase for months, having sex all the time ,anywhere and everywhere and having it be more emotionally intimate than it's been in a long long time. He says he didn't expect it but he INITIATED it probably 70% of the time. yeah ok. He never "pushed" me away as he tells her.

 

So MM are very cunning. They lie about feelings, they lie about motives, they lie about sex, they lie about EVERYTHING to get what they want. My H was an idiot admitting to her her that he did it "to stop drawing attention" on the affair. Which is completely contradicting the fact that I already told him if he was seeing her he could leave and HE COULD HAVE JUST LEFT THE MARRIAGE THEN...I'm sure many many MM do the same thing by having sex with wife to throw her off the scent of the affair. Also notice how he sweet talks her.. got to make sure he says he loves her and he wants her.

 

Listen. believe what you want to believe. Believe youre the exception, or lie to yourself and say you don't want him to leave the marriage, believe that he loves you more than his wife. I've got 500 emails of him professing his love to AP and her to him and guess what? She's not in our life anymore and we are healing and still having lots of sex.

 

I really really hope that you find a way to love yourself enough to want better for your life and I will say a prayer for you

[PickledHead]

I don't know if the end of that was towards me but I have found it slightly patronising. I don't need a prayer

 

i have never once claimed that he loves me more than his W, I have never said one way or another if I want him to leave so I'm not lying to myself and it's his W that has said there has been no sex so if he is lying to me then she is lying to him. Maybe they are at it like rabbits and she doesn't think he has noticed so tells him they haven't and then he believes it and so tells me - that seems far more logical

 

I may come across as defensive here but I'm at a loss right now how having read those emails how I can be told that it's me that should want better for my life?

 

I've been a BS, Iv had to sit there with a man professing his love knowing that he has been sleeping with another person and whispering sweet nothings to her. That was the point I needed better for my life and so I left and it was the best move I ever made. Maybe my life isn't perfect now but it's a hell of a lot better then it was then.

[gettingstronger]

I don't know if the end of that was towards me but I have found it slightly patronising. I don't need a prayer

 

i have never once claimed that he loves me more than his W, I have never said one way or another if I want him to leave so I'm not lying to myself and it's his W that has said there has been no sex so if he is lying to me then she is lying to him. Maybe they are at it like rabbits and she doesn't think he has noticed so tells him they haven't and then he believes it and so tells me - that seems far more logical

 

I may come across as defensive here but I'm at a loss right now how having read those emails how I can be told that it's me that should want better for my life?

 

I've been a BS, Iv had to sit there with a man professing his love knowing that he has been sleeping with another person and whispering sweet nothings to her. That was the point I needed better for my life and so I left and it was the best move I ever made. Maybe my life isn't perfect now but it's a hell of a lot better then it was then.

 

 

In regards to your last paragraph, I'm wondering why you think it's better now. Being in a triangle isn't good for anyone. Last time you had no choice, this time you do. Why spend so much time in such complicated circumstances- break free from the cycle.

[PickledHead]

I don't THINK it's better now, I know it it Because I know how I felt then and I know how I feel now. Of course my life isn't perfect, whose is really?? But it's better then I had. A cheating, lying, abusive husband is slightly worse than a man who spends more time with me then I know what to do with, goes out of his way daily to put a smile on my face, takes me on a date night at least once a week, is at the end of the phone any time I need him and is active in my life In as many ways as possible

 

Being in a triangle isn't great but the triangle element doesn't actually play a massive part of my life. I spend more time Him then most people I know in real relationships and I don't have half the complaints they do.

 

My problem will come when this ends, which it will have to one day as I know it won't suit me forever. But for now it does... I have one issue that I came to get advice on and have received some really good advice from people on both sides of the fence. Iv also had whole relationship dissected and heard some absolute nonsense claims by people who seem to scan threads an read what they want to read

[William]

Topic check:

 

I'm trying to get tips I guess on how to switch off the thought of MM having sex with W

 

 

[AutumnMoon]

My tip is just keep busy.

 

If they sleep in the same bed, live in the same house even.. there are times they will have sex or at the very least share intimate moments.

 

Remind your self it's not the same as what you share. I'm not saying it's better or worse it's just not the same.

I know this because I'm married to, my partners are incomparable,

 

If you can't deal with the feeling.. get yourself out, because it will never go away.

[elaine567]

 

If you can't deal with the feeling.. get yourself out, because it will never go away.

 

 

I agree, it is an ongoing issue.

It is not like trying to forget a lost love where the hurt eventually recedes.

This issues of sex with the wife, can be put to the back of one's mind, for it to suddenly be centre stage at any time.

There is no control here.

 

This may help.

Suppressing the 'white bears'

Meditation, mindfulness and other tools can help us avoid unwanted thoughts, says social psychologist Daniel Wegner.

[Hunniebae]

I don't THINK it's better now, I know it it Because I know how I felt then and I know how I feel now. Of course my life isn't perfect, whose is really?? But it's better then I had. A cheating, lying, abusive husband is slightly worse than a man who spends more time with me then I know what to do with, goes out of his way daily to put a smile on my face, takes me on a date night at least once a week, is at the end of the phone any time I need him and is active in my life In as many ways as possible

 

Being in a triangle isn't great but the triangle element doesn't actually play a massive part of my life. I spend more time Him then most people I know in real relationships and I don't have half the complaints they do.

 

My problem will come when this ends, which it will have to one day as I know it won't suit me forever. But for now it does... I have one issue that I came to get advice on and have received some really good advice from people on both sides of the fence. Iv also had whole relationship dissected and heard some absolute nonsense claims by people who seem to scan threads an read what they want to read

 

But he is a cheating, lying abusive husband. Maybe not to you but to his wife. Did he tell her you exist? Then he's cheating. Did he tell her he wants out of his marriage? Then he's lying. Does he leave you and go home to her and pretend you don't exist? Then he's being emotionally abusive towards his wife.

[whichwayisup]

I don't THINK it's better now, I know it it Because I know how I felt then and I know how I feel now. Of course my life isn't perfect, whose is really?? But it's better then I had. A cheating, lying, abusive husband is slightly worse than a man who spends more time with me then I know what to do with, goes out of his way daily to put a smile on my face, takes me on a date night at least once a week, is at the end of the phone any time I need him and is active in my life In as many ways as possible

 

Being in a triangle isn't great but the triangle element doesn't actually play a massive part of my life. I spend more time Him then most people I know in real relationships and I don't have half the complaints they do.

 

My problem will come when this ends, which it will have to one day as I know it won't suit me forever. But for now it does... I have one issue that I came to get advice on and have received some really good advice from people on both sides of the fence. Iv also had whole relationship dissected and heard some absolute nonsense claims by people who seem to scan threads an read what they want to read

 

But it does actually come into play since the intimate part of their marriage is upsetting you so much.

 

I'm not sure what you can do to accept this, except give it time and focus on other things and people in your life too, keep busy and don't let your mind 'go' there and think about them behind closed doors.

[sandylee1]

But he is a cheating, lying abusive husband. Maybe not to you but to his wife.

 

Did he tell her you exist? Then he's cheating. Did he tell her he wants out of his marriage? Then he's lying. Does he leave you and go home to her and pretend you don't exist? Then he's being emotionally abusive towards his wife.

 

^^^^^^ 100% truth ^^^^^^

[sandylee1]

Hypnosis may help to stop thinking about it. I tried hypnotherapy for another issue and it was very helpful... But I'd say it wore off and I stopped feeling the effects of it for my problem after about 2 months.