Trying to understand what happened and the mayhem I just went thru

March 28, 2017

Hi all,

First I wanna thank everybody for posting their stories, your courage gave me enough strength/courage to post my story and ask for some directions, kind words...understanding?? Hopefully this story also helps somebody and opens their eyes and teaches them not to be blind and not to let anybody take advantage of them.

To be honest I didn't know if I should post this under this sub forum or under coping, but seeing how it all started with me being the "other guy" I decided to start here.

Second, I wanna apologize if this post drags on, it is extremely painful, long and I'll try and include all the details so if reading is not your forte...I'm sorry, but the story, drama and hurt spans for about 2 years. The reason I wanna include all the details is for YOU to help me possibly figure out what in the world happened. For you to understand my story I have to include some key "details/dates" so if it looks weird at the beginning it will make sense at the end. Again, this post may be very long, and I'm not entirely sure who will read it.....finish it.

By the end of this post I would love to find some peace and also possibly understand the other person, "her", her decisions, incedecisions and way of thinking. I would love to learn how to not let toxic people take advantage of you and your kindness. I originally joined this forum in April 2016 I believe, because the drama of my story started right about that time...the drama.

So in October of 2014, while walking down the hallway at my work, I ran into a new employee and it was one of those moments. As we passed each other we locked eyes and even both turned around looking into each other as we continued waking, smiling the whole way...this has never happened to me and I was 31 at that time by the way, she was 24.

It didn't take long until we exchanged work emails and started talking that way. It was clear from the very first moment and sentences that we were into each other, absolutely infatuated with each other I'd say. But we kept it professional as much as we could. I knew she liked me because she would always say she couldn't wait to get to work to read my email and I felt the same way. Eventually we ended up trading personal emails and that's where it slowly started....slowly. At the beginning of 2015 she asked me to meet up for a drink after work, I of course said YES right away and was absolutely blown away she asked me. I asked her the same question earlier in the month but she was hesitant. We met up for drinks and had a great time, hugged as we were leaving and everything felt great...it felt awesome....at that time I started to research this girl a bit more because my interest was going they the roof. And then it hit me...her FB was absolutely plastered with pic of her and her BF. But I didn't wanna think about it too much because stuff like that happens all the time, you're in a relationship and you just fall for somebody else, I didn't know the details of her relationship and I thought she must had a good reason to talk to me and show her interest.

However that really turned me off and put me on guard. We met two more times after work where we just talked. On one of the times I flat out asked her if she had a BF, because if I asked her thru email she just ignored the question and would continue the conversation about the other things we talked about. During this time when I asked her face to face if she had a BF she answers yes but admitted that things aren't that good and that she wants more out of life. I respected that, a lot, and it just fed into my mind that "this happens all the time, people fall for other people and can't help it". However at that time I also started to ignore heavy red flags. We met up one more time at the beach, where she admitted she cried over her ex when she found out he had a baby. I found that extremely weird that she had a BF but got emotional when she found out that her ex had a baby with another woman.(make a note of this in your mind, we will come back to this way later and you'll understand why).

During that time we started to talk more and more but I then suddenly pulled away, this was mainly due to her posting more pic of them two and I swear they looked like the happiest couple alive in those pic, at least that's how she painted it for the whole world to see and that bothered me greatly. It wasn't jealousy at that time but I think it was my instinct kicking in because I had a clear mind still....we talked for a bit more, never met up anymore but I knew she was bothered if I didn't respond. She would get upset or even jealous if I said I spent a weekend out with some girl, which I found very weird and confusing due to her "relationship". I was very conflicted however because to me she was showing all sings of interest but her private life also "appeared to be fine".

So fast forward few months where nothing really happened, we still just talked thru email, never met up anymore and it started being a normal coworker conversation with few spicy comments from both ends, mainly due to me not wanting to get too involved due to her FB posts, and I thought if I backed away a little she would leave him because those were the signs she was giving me. However one day we just exchanged Snapchat and phone numbers and bam, we started texting and snapchating each other like no tomorrow. We would both obsess over our phones waiting for a response back from the other person. In no time we were "best friends" on Snapchat due to heavy volume of pics being sent to each other(nothing inappropriate).

It was at this time I saw myself driving 100/mph getting ready to hit the wall and I tried breaking, but she wouldn't let me...let me explain. This moment changes my life I'd say, forever.

I tried one night to break things off with her, mind you we didn't even kiss at this point but I saw that it might not be going anywhere or more importantly that she wasn't strong enough to leave him and I knew it was trouble, that it would be a battle. So when I texted her to end it she absolutely lost it. She cried for hours on the phone texting me and talking to me, telling me she knows what she needs to do she just needs time. We, and I am absolutely not exaggerating here, spent 6h straight texting back and forth without even resting for 1min. I am absolutely not exaggerating this, this has never happened to me before. During this texting marathon I learned that her BF had two kids from the first marriage, that he is "fixed" and that even thou she loves his kids she wants a baby of her own. It bothered her that he was married once and has experienced the "first marriage, buying home the first time, first child". Further more she reiterated that she wasn't happy in what direction her life was going and even thou she cared about her BF she knew he couldn't give her the life she wanted, a life of an adventure. We spoke about absolutely everything on a very deep level, even talked about how many kids we were going to have and what we would name them. That night I decided that I am 100% in this and that maybe with my strength she would have enough courage to do what she's been telling me she wants to do.

First kiss and a HUGE game changer. That night I learned she lied to me on an insane level, I should have seen the signs right then and there. October 17th 2015, that night she invited me over to a local bar where she was with her friends. I came there and she was already "buzzed". I went to buy drinks for her and her friends and then before I knew what was happening, she walked up behind me, pulled me and just kissed me. She just kissed me, in front of an entire bar, didn't matter who was there....it was....ahhh....awesome??? Surprised for sure I'd say. As the night went on we all had a great time and then it was time to leave. As we left the bar me and her stood outside waiting for her sister to come and pick her up. That's when she told me that she needed to tell me something....she couldn't get it out." I'm...I'm...." and I finished "engaged?" "Yes I am engaged, what the hell am I doing" she said...a moment of silence was there as we both were trying to get our bearings....but then....it didn't matter...we were in love...we started kissing like nothing and nobody mattered, like she just didn't share a ground shattering news to me. I even told her I semi suspected it because I saw her hiding some ring constantly but I never paid that much attention to that because I was just so...infatuated with her and she never said she had a fiancé.

The Casino night,

I'm sharing this story due to events that happened. She invited me out to a casino where she had a wine/canvas night with her friends. I came after they were done painting and she even gave me her painting as a gift. It looked like a child painted a skyline of the Chicago but I didn't care I LOVED IT. At one point I even had the picture framed and I put it up in my office then eventually my home, I was proud of it. No matter how silly it may have looked to other people, to whom I had to lie that my little niece painted me a picture of Chicago, I still loved it and was so proud she gave it to me. That night we also ended up making out passionately on the Casino floor to the point where a security guard wanted to kick us out, the sexual tension between us was going thru the roof!!! By this point we still didn't sleep together. When we were leaving the Casino she stopped me at the exit at one point and said "god, what am I doing, what are you doing, why didn't I meet you sooner, god why didn't you save me 6 months ago!!!!!". I didn't know how to respond or what to say as I didn't know what she meant. We hugged goodbye and she left with her friends to what I assumed HER HOME as she told me she didn't live with him, which I found very odd, but again, why would she lie to me....

Intimacy,

After the casino night it was not a question if we would sleep together but WHEN. By this time we both addmited fantasizing sleeping with one another, her even being bold enough to say that few times she was with him she fantasized that it was me, obviously, as any person who is starting this type of a "relationship" loves to hear something like this, even thou I didn't believe it nor do I to this day. It didn't matter, all I cared about was that she felt the same way as me. Telling me she is falling in love with me, how this feels different and unique, I felt the same way, both of us cursing the fate we didn't meet sooner. Slowly she started coming over to my house after work, staying for few hours and then leaving. On one of these nights it happened. The first time we did it, it didn't last long, not due to "performance" issues but more due to her stopping it at one point, and feeling guilty...I felt bad as if I did something wrong. However when she left that night from my home and called me on the way to her home she seemed totally fine, normal conversation and all, which I found weird. The second, third, fourth time and so on happened and each time she said she felt guilty but "less and less". I can vouch for that, as a guy, you can feel if the girl is completely yours with her body and mind. I always felt I had her body but her mind was split, I could tell but she wanted to keep doing it as much as I did. Are you kidding me, at this point the feelings I shared with her, the dreams about life, I felt she was THE ONE, my soulmate...I actually still feel she is my soulmate regardless of everything it just wasn't the right time I guess????

Crumbling as lies keep piling up

As we spent more and more time together I started getting more and more jealous of him, especially due to her telling me she is looking to leave but never doing anything about it. On one of the nights I actually saw a video of him on her Snapchat and I got mad at her because she told me she was not with him that night. I got mad, stopped texting, left my phone in the living room and went to bed. The next day I woke up to 23-missed calls and 12 voicemails, her crying over the phone over why am I mad and why am I ignoring her, begging and pleading for me to answer her calls. We then met that day in the parking lot of a Starbucks as I was on my way to work. She apologized after I confronted her to being with him and said she lied because she didn't want to hurt me. We kissed and I went to work. As I came to work, which was about 20min later, I went onto her Facebook once again and again, LOST IT. She said goodbye to me as I was going to work and then 15min later tagged him in a photo of them two with a caption "love you to the moon and back". I was gutted and conflicted on what to do. I didn't wanna give up my information source and let her know she has no idea her FB is completely public. I invested so much up to this point I didn't wanna believe it and I didn't wanna give up as much as everything started unraveling around me, as much as red flags started popping up.

D-day zero hour

I call this part zero hour because I, once again, learned she lied to me by pure chance and I once again, ignored it. By this time as we started getting more and more intimate and her telling me she wants to leave him I got more and more curious who was this guy and why wasn't she leaving him yet as she was claiming she wants to do. Mind you up to this point I thought she lived on her own, because she told me she did. I even invited her few times to sleep over my place but she always declined. On one of these night she told me she was going to bed and as I was in the area of his house I decided to drive by his home, just to see. To my amazement her car was parked in his driveway....I absolutely lost it. I sent her a text calling her out on it, telling her it was over and then blocking her. Within 20min she called me from a private number while driving a car, once again apologizing saying she was embarrassed and don't know how to handle it, didn't wanna hurt me. I told her it was over unless she leaves him and then she hits me with "ok fine...I will, I will leave him because I don't wanna go thru my life always feeling like a little piece of me is missing. Kids are involved so please bear with me, this might take a little while but I'm doing it".

I'm assuming by this point her fiancé was starting to see the red flags. And where there's smoke there's fire.

Few days after all this happened she called me around 12:30am. Mind you we never spoke on the phone after 5pm, we only texted, unless she was driving home from my place, we mainly texted. So to my surprise she called and I answered. We spoke for about 30min about random things when her phone suddenly hung up...at first I thought she fell down in a bathroom because she said she was taking a bath. I called her back once, no answer. I call back the second time and....a male voice, clearly upset and hijacked just answers "Hello, who is this"....I hung up...I don't know why, or why I just didn't tell him everything at that point but I hung up. I guess I wanted him to find out thru her rather then me.

What follows after that is slightly comical. He manages to crack her Snapchat password, he see's that we are best friends, googles my Snapchat name, finds me on LinkedIn and figures out everything about me. He confronts her about it but she simply denied everything, telling him I was just a guy from work who likes her. He was obviously pissed but he forgives her. I also got pissed because I felt THIS was the moment, the time, the opportunity to tell him. She said she didn't want it to go that way and that she wants to end it on her terms.

D-day part 2

After the whole Snapchat fiasco we never stopped talking or sleeping or anything. We were back doing our thing the very next week. We even requested same off days for her bday, which I made sure was amazing and memorable for her. But as my bday was coming up I was getting more and more restless. Her wedding was only 3-4 months away and I was terrified that she would lead me right up until the weeding day and then drop me. It didn't help when she posted on her FB a picture of them two, asking for people to vote them "cutest couple" so they could win a free wedding photo booth....I was an idiot, I know, I KNOW, but please bear with me. Every time I would confront her about these things she would always say she is putting on a show for everybody while she is figuring out how to leave him, and that she has to do this stuff.

So her fiancé at that time then started digging even more, right around the beginning of April shortly before I joined this forum. He pulls up her phone records and finds my number all over the place. He confronts her, she denies anything and warns me that he will call me. He calls me and......I tell him.....everything.....everything. I couldn't lie to the guy, I didn't have it in me.

It turns out that his first marriage ended due to wife cheating, I'm sure this was an insane dejavu for this guy.

He does what anybody does at that moment, goes ballistic tries to break it off with her but......she stops him. She does everything in her power to get him to forgive her....now if you think this story was bad up until this point, you will never believe what transpires from April 2016 until pretty much March 2017 when I finally ended it(I hope).

So....I'll stop right here....if somebody wants to her the rest of the story I'd be more then glad to share but I don't wanna drow you guys in this post, especially if nobody made it to the end. :)

The 2nd part is even more painful and....well....interesting. I understand this reads more like a book lol so if anyone is interested in the rest of the story please let me know.

Edited March 28, 2017 by Origin
Spelling

March 28, 2017

Well, it's interesting to read but I don't have anything helpful to say...

March 28, 2017

Well, it's interesting to read but I don't have anything helpful to say...

Lol, well I apppricate you reading it. Thanks

March 28, 2017

I read it. So what's the part 2? Because if this isn't the end of the story then it's not time to give you advice.

March 28, 2017

I read it. So what's the part 2? Because if this isn't the end of the story then it's not time to give you advice.

You are right, I apologize. I actually thought about that. I'll have to finish that tonight. Thank you for the response.

March 28, 2017

Origin! Wow, you can write! I mean you really can write! I told myself i was just going to scan-read the post, but each paragraph drew me in a little more and by the time you got to the bit where you were asking if she had a boyfriend, i was completely engrossed! And then you hit me with "part 2 to follow"! Oh man!! Reminds me of when they were showing "breaking bad" on cable - it was torture having to wait nearly a week for the next episode!

Please send us part 2 soon. You know, you really could turn this into a book!

Even from part 1, I can see to what extent you've been played, you and the boyfriend, both of you. I do feel for you. Was he mad with you during and after that call, or did he see that it was her manipulation behind it and that you were a victim too? I don't think she really knew what she wanted......so she tried to keep both of you hanging on as possible BF options as she tried to sort her head out - having her cake and eating it too. I do feel for you and i hope you are doing ok now?

Looking forward to the next installment!

Good luck Origin!

Edited March 28, 2017 by jenkins95

March 28, 2017

Origin! Wow, you can write! I mean you really can write! I told myself i was just going to scan-read the post, but each paragraph drew me in a little more and by the time you got to the bit where you were asking if she had a boyfriend, i was completely engrossed! And then you hit me with "part 2 to follow"! Oh man!! Reminds me of when they were showing "breaking bad" on cable - it was torture having to wait nearly a week for the next episode!

Please send us part 2 soon. You know, you really could turn this into a book!

Even from part 1, I can see to what extent you've been played, you and the boyfriend, both of you. I do feel for you. Was he mad with you during and after that call, or did he see that it was her manipulation behind it and that you were a victim too? I don't think she really knew what she wanted......so she tried to keep both of you hanging on as possible BF options as she tried to sort her head out - having her cake and eating it too. I do feel for you and i hope you are doing ok now?

Looking forward to the next installment!

Good luck Origin!

Thank you so much for the kind words, and I will def write part 2 when I get home tonight. I will also address everything you asked me but short answer to you is no, he knew it wasn't really my fault, and there is a reason for that and it involves her ex, the one who she cried over because of the baby. More to follow.

Thank you so much for readying my story and responding.

March 28, 2017

Thank you so much for the kind words, and I will def write part 2 when I get home tonight. I will also address everything you asked me but short answer to you is no, he knew it wasn't really my fault, and there is a reason for that and it involves her ex, the one who she cried over because of the baby. More to follow.

Thank you so much for readying my story and responding.

Thanks Origin, I'm really intrigued now. I do hope you are ok now? I guess i will find out in part 2.

March 29, 2017

Please post part 2

March 29, 2017

Thanks Origin, I'm really intrigued now. I do hope you are ok now? I guess i will find out in part 2.

Part 2

First of all i wanna thank all who read it so far, and are possibly waiting for part 2. I really appreciate all the comments and kind words.

D-day part 2 continued...

So the moment i spoke with the fiancé he hung up the phone when he heard we took our "relationship" to a physical level. She called me demanding to know what exactly i told him so she could know "what she is walking into". I told her everything and said that this is pretty much it, it sucks that it came to an end like this between them two but this is what we talked about....or did we???

She tells me that she needs to step away from me and that she needs space and tells me to back off. Shortly after that she deletes me and blocks me from everything. I was.....devastated? I mean what just happened...i thought this was not an ideal thing but its what she was telling me all along she wanted...well...here is what happened, these events i learned much later because i was completely blocked from her life at that moment.

She denies everything i told him, even goes as far to tell him I'm just a guy at work, who likes her and who is trying to break them two apart so me and her could be together. He didn't bite...he asked for her phone and obviously she deleted all evidence from her iPhone, no way to prove anything except...well he did something pretty genius. He gets her to completely unlock her phone to which she obliges, connects the phone to the computer, downloads some application which lets you recover old deleted text messages....BUSTED!!!! He had everything and at that point she FINALLY breaks and admits to him what has been going on, begs for his forgiveness, tell him she loves him and the kids, and doesn't want him to just leave and drop her, that they deserve another chance...and...well he...he forgives her. I was...ughhh.......devastated....that wouldn't even be close, that would be an understatement you could say?? Not because he forgave her but more because of her actions in that moment. My whole world came crashing down, everything i believed was true and everything i put emotions into was...fake??? Can it be??

May - I'm a father!!...not

So it took him about 1 month to forgive her, pretty much from the beginning of April to beginning of May. During this time she completely blocked me from her life. To make matters worse we still worked together and i had to see her everyday. We briefly spoke thru an email and she admitted she was ashamed, that her wedding was called off, her family was mad at her, friends mad at her. Me....well me...all i wanted to do was hug her and tell her everything would be OK. I was still the sucker living in the past, still in love, still believing we were different and that she is just confused...i know, i know lol...but that's the...blindness of love you could say??? She goes on to tell me she needs to find herself again before she can pick herself up again...and i back off...but...that the catch...there's always a catch in these types of relationships. The moment he forgave her, i swear on everything, the VERY next day she emailed me from a brand new email address she created(BF obviously knew the primary e-mail and was monitoring it). She wanted to talk to me...could there still be hope for us??? I was obviously MAD because i couldn't believe she didn't leave him and i didn't really wanna talk and that's when she hit me with the P word...she said she tested once, it came positive and that she will be going to a doctor to find out if she is pregnant for sure....OMG can it be??? Something we both talked about and claimed we wanted?? There is absolutely no biggest high in this world then the thought of you having a baby with the woman you love....that's how it felt. We obviously started talking again, secretly meeting at a gas station next to work for 15min to talk. She told me she wasn't doing good, again repeated what she told me earlier, and that she started going to counseling to help her, started reading books. We would meet almost every day for the next 3 weeks or so, one time even meeting in a local town, in front of the Starbucks where we managed to speak for few hours instead of 15min intervals which was SO hard...talking to her for 15min and watching her drive off, knowing she is driving off to him was....defeating...hard...

Anyways, still to this day, i don't know HOW, but he found out we spoke in front of Starbucks. He actually calls me again!!!! I had a hard time admitting anything to him again because i didn't want her to be mad at me but at the same time I knew he was hurt, just as much as i was and he was looking for the truth. So i told him...that we met and talked, that we didn't sleep together but that we did kiss. Again she denied everything to him and he forgave her...shortly after that she told me she went to the doctor and the test was negate...to this day idk if she made that up to talk to me again or if she was truthful.

Sister helps!

So after the whole fiasco in May, for about 2 months nothing major happened. We still met up randomly at a gas station where we talked until we were blue, figuring out if we should be together or what the hell we are doing. One time she came over my home but nothing happened as far as sex. She told me that "he" was becoming more and more abusive(verbally) especially when he drinks and that her every move was watched. During this time i was slowly starting to give up, even telling her i needed to step away until she figures out what she wants, it just hurt to much to watch her drive away from me DAILY knowing she is driving to him. So one night, around 1:30am, she calls me crying and tell me that she cant take it anymore, that she is packing up her bags and leaving him!!!! My heart was pounding so fast i didn't know WHAT just happened!!!!! She puts her sister on the phone who tells me where to meet her so i can pick her up. I meet them at a local gas station. I get out of the car, walk up to the car and....there she was, with her sister. Even thou she cried she looked gorgeous to me. I opened the door, asked how she was, wiped her tears away and said everything will be OK. I opened the back door to the car, picked up the bags she packed and i stepped away from the car as she hugged her sister who with her is crying the entire time. They hug and she finally comes into my car...we drive to my place where we end up just falling asleep on the couch holding each other....that night...i actually didn't sleep...i remember watching her in the night, with the street light semi shining on her face and i couldn't believe it...there she was...this was it...wasn't it...??? Everything happened SO FAST but it felt so real....and i....HAH I WAS HAPPY!!

The roller coaster starts

So the next day, after spending the day together, doing all the "dirty" business and her telling me she is done with him she suddenly hits me that she needs to leave my house and asks me to take her to her sisters house where her car was parked at. I was semi confused as to what just happened, i knew she was texting him that day when she was with me but this was unsuspected. She reassures me that she is done with him and that she will be sleeping over her friends house. And she did...for few days, even for few days coming over my house and sleeping over until....one day...when she kind of acted funny and i just had to see, something felt wrong. Her friend and her now "EX" lived about 4blocks away from each other. So i drove to friends house and her car wasn't there...you can guess where it was....i again lose it!!!!! ughhhh again, shattered and heartbroken, how could this happen!!! She tells me she went there to only pick up some of her stuff and to see her puppies, that she still has things there and that's why she went there...understandable i guess....except...she keeps going back there EVERY day, spends the entire day there, but always sleeps over at friends house, until one night when i flat out saw her car at his house, indicating she was sleeping over there. I block her and the next day i try and pick myself up, i gotta go thru the day I'm thinking. I'm doing everything I can to stay away from her, as she kept blowing up my phone calling private, i knew it was her so i just ignored it until a familiar number called my phone, unexpectedly...it was him...calling me again...by this time i was FUMING at her and i answered that phone faster then the lighting bolt.

He again was reaching out asking for "help", weirdly we became each others "crutch" reaching out to each other for a glimpse of the truth we knew we would never get from her. So at this point i tell him everything what happened and he couldn't believe that she slept over my place until i flat out sent him pictures because he said that's the only thing he can use to prove her wrong, everything else she denies and he always has to have a solid proof. He then tells me that as far as he knew they were working things out and that she told him she is not talking to me anymore. We further later have a conversation where he tells me that when they first met, for the first month, she had a BF(her ex who later had a baby) and that she cheated on that guy with him!!!! Ahhhhhh....blown away..!!! Is this pathological cheating?? He goes on to tell me that when they first got caught she told him to back away and stay away also...this is dejavu...except for me....now it made sense why she was emotional that the other guy had a baby.

Anyways, we end up talking and he again drops her, she cries begging for forgiveness and......he forgives her...and then she....starts calling me, again, over and over until she gets me to talk to her. Tells me that she feels guilty to what she has done to him and that's the only reason he is around, that he is her past and that I'm the future, that she sees that but needs time to end things on nice terms with him...i was confused...blind....stupid....yes i was in love you could say.

This went on, back and forth, her to me and back to him, each time pissing me off and pissing him off no less then 8-9 times....

Some of the times would be hilarious because she would tell me that she wants to sleep over my place, she would drive over, make an excuse she couldn't sleep over because she forgot her work clothes, then leave my house in late hours only to go to his house, where they obviously end up doing it because she sleeps over. I know this for a fact because one particular time he contacted me the next day and asked if she spent time with me, and then shared the text message they sent to each other clearly indicating they had sex...ughhh...why...why did i let this happen to me so bad...but...STILL up to that point i didn't learn my lesson, nor did he learn his lesson...we both were blind foolish idiots who kept believing her story and kept forgiving her over and over again.

Boiling point and love triangle coming to an end

As this went back and forth, all 3 of us kept getting destroyed in the process. She was unable to make up her mind on what she wanted and she just kept going back to him and then back to me, killing all 3 in the process. I don't think she did it on purpose but dam....ughhhh....

To name few boiling points, one came when the Cubs won the world series!!! I end up sleeping over her friends house because she invited me to sleep over there, only to find out the next day that he came to the house at 4am, saw my car there and he ended up breaking my back window...yes that legit happened...lol. He then went to his Facebook and deleted all pictures that he had of her, he clearly had enough, or so i thought....she quickly managed to repair the damage and get him right back into our little love triangle.

The hurt continues and the greatest embarrassment of my life

So around November/December of 2016 she finds an apartment she wants to move into, she wanted to live on her own, she wanted to move away from her friend because she was worried she was overstaying her welcome. GREAT, i thought...except the apartment building was literally 3 blocks away from her EX's house. I told her that it was a bad idea, that she needed to stay away from her "past" if she wanted us to have any future.

So one night something happened that it is so painful to think about, i am even having a hard time even typing it out. Idk why i just didn't end it right there and then.

So here goes.....it was a Monday night and i was sleeping over her place. That night i tried to initiate sex but she stops me and tells me that she doesn't want to sleep with anybody until she gets her head straight and figures out what she is doing. OK, I have to admit i was SO PROUD of her at that moment, as much as dumb that may sound to you guys now but i thought "finally some movement". The next day, Tuesday, i again am sleeping over her place. I this time don't even try and initiate sex because i am respecting her boundaries when all of a sudden "DING"....a text message. It was around 2:30am...who could it be, nobody texts me at that time, i even asked her "was that you" and she replies "no that's you". I pick up the phone and its a text message from him that literally reads this "Just so you know, i f***ed her earlier when she came over my house, around 5:30"....

Even now i teared up as i wrote it...i just had to step away from the computer for 5min to recollect myself....

He obviously sent me text message proof between them two and it was pretty much her asking him for a "quickie" right after work...ughhh...why didn't i leave just right then and there....its so embarrassing to even admit to somebody that happened, let alone that i forgave her....i don't think I'll ever forgive myself for the rest of my life, for allowing her to drop me down to that low of a level....i was...below a human being, disrespected, hurt, thorn into million pieces...still to this day i am ashamed for allowing her to drop me to that level..not because "it happened" but because i forgave her....love is a powerful thing, sometimes for all the wrong reasons i guess.

He was also hurt, lied to again, he had no idea i was sleeping over her house and we were intimate(up to the start of that week).

The hurt continues - part 2

As January rolled around he really "had enough" of her BS. I mean this was the person he was supposed to marry and look to what it came down to. I myself was thorn apart, barely functioning but doing my BEST to keep it together in front of her, however i was losing it. I slowly started backing away in January in hopes of moving on from her, i was just so dam hurt i could barely function but she never for one moment saw my weakness....i forgave her and i needed her to see me believing, and hoping it will all change one day. Mind you throughout this entire ordeal i kept warning her that she would push both of us one day to a breaking point that she would be left alone one day.

And then one fine day, in the middle of a day, in January, she calls me right during her lunch break. I found it odd that she called me during lunch so i answered even thou i was hesitant do to so. She was crying, clearly shaken up. It turns out "he" ended up sleeping with one of her friends to purposely hurt her(well purposely or not that's besides the point). I felt bad for her, i imagined if it happened to me that it would hurt very badly, that just hits too close to home. I told her i was sorry and still repeated that I'm backing away so i can recollect myself but she wouldn't let me..."you're just gonna leave me standing alone now, now when i need you the most"....well....you can probably guess what i did...i put my feelings aside and that day went after work to her house, picked her up, took her to my home and told her everything will be OK, that she just needs to make a decision already and everything will fall into its place. From that day for about one solid month, i think she legit didn't talk to him, or i should say she didn't see him, i know that for a fact but i cant even say that things were "good".

You can trust me

So this all started towards the middle of January. During these turbulent times i tried multiple times to move on from her but it was hard. At one point i started semi seeing some girl, i wouldn't even call it seeing, more talking to, the only time i actually spent alone with her was briefly for her b-day for 15min, just to give her the gift and that's it. I admitted all this to her right away, i didn't wanna hide anything. Around that time she also admits to me that she had kissed a guy on one of the parties she attended, some guy she knew from before who came back into the area. She said she found him attractive and that she kissed him that night...we will call this guy D, just for a reference point. I of course was not happy about it but at the end of the day she was single, she can do whatever she wants. As few days passed we end up in a fight over me talking to this other girl, where she tells me that "she doesn't wanna share me with any other woman". I obviously break it off and we go on with our business until...one Friday night. I called her as i was working a tad late, she answers and tells me she made movie plans with her sister and friends at 7:30pm, which i found VERY odd, just the way she said it something was screaming "wrong" about it. I asked if could come to her house to change before i go to the gym and she said that it was OK. I come to her house around 6:30pm and....boy...did i have something to see....she was getting all dolled up, i mean she really looked sexy...my insecurities kicked in because of the past situations. I then sat down with her and calmly told her that it just feels like she is lying to me and that she is actually going out on a date...she was quiet....she asked "well so what even if i am" to which i replied "yes, you're correct, you are single, but i would still like to know", HOPING TO GOD she says NO its not a date. I then asked "is it a date"...she nodded yes...."with D"...and she again nodded yes....to say disappointment and how i lost it at that moment, I......I....i cant even describe it, in any words. I picked up my stuff from her place, and stormed out arguing how could she disrespect me like that after she asked me to stick around, to drop the girl i was talking to, only to start going out on a date with a guy she admitted to kissing before. I told her that i didn't believe they would sleep that night but they would have kissed at a minimum!!! I understood that she is single and under some "rule" she has every right to go out on a date but its the principle of the thing in my mind, she asked me to stick around by her side, to drop the female i was talking to because she didn't wanna share me with other women, she should respect me and do the same thing, at a minimum!!

As i storm out she cancels her "date", supposedly, according to her, although i don't know if she actually did or didn't. Few days passed and by this time my insecurities are going thru the roof because of everything that just happened. So I'll never forget the moment, we were sitting in my car, after gym, talking and me complaining to her how I'm insecure and how i need her to help me trust her. This was on Saturday night and I'll repeat the exact words she told me "Look, you can trust me, I'm not seeing "him", I'm not talking to "him", I'm not sleeping with "him", me trying to go out on a date with "D" was just to get it out of my system"....i was quiet but i said OK, I'll trust you....and boy what a mistake. On Monday, out of the blue, at late hours, "he" shows up at her door buzzed because he caved and was missing her....what did she do??? She asked if he wanted to come in, he told her he missed and she then invited him to sleep over her place(i will explain how i go to this info in a little bit). And JUST like that....back to square one, all 3 of us go, right back into the love triangle....i find out very shortly after that, that he is back in her life, i ignore her for 2 weeks straight during which time she spent at his house almost every day.

Vegas!!!

So shortly after learning he was back in her life she was getting ready to go on a Vegas trip with her best friend and her mother, they were going to Vegas for few days where they would watch the Superbowl. So what happened....the night before Superbowl she starts texting me from Vegas, around 8:30pm, telling me that being in Vegas is making her realize what she wants in life, how she wants to travel, experience things but she wants to do that with ME and she then drops a bomb onto my lap..."come to Vegas, just do a spontaneous thing and come right now"....and BAM, just like that, by 10:30pm that night my flight was reserved for 7am and i was getting ready to go to Vegas. The day of the Superbowl we all spent together until the night, when us two left her friend and her mother and went into my hotel room where we ended up doing....well....lets just say we didn't do a whole a lot of sleeping that night. The next day i return home but i am still gutted, at this point i am getting more and more numb. Yes sure Vegas was FUN but now i am back in the reality.

Giving it one last try

Because i forgave her so much i sincerely think she never took me serious when i told her that i am beyond the breaking point and i was willing to give this a shot one more time but only if she completely stopped talking to him...i had to go back to Vegas for 1-week for business and i told her when she is ready to talk to me(once she is done with him) to reach out, until then i wouldn't respond. The entire week we didn't communicate ONE word. When i came back however she immediately called me and i met up with her, her sister and friends at a local bar, she needed to talk, it was important. In there, she tells me that she is done with "him" and she is ready to move on and have a better life, with me, that she wants to be happy and she wants all this behind her. That night we end up leaving the bar, going to my house, doing the dirty deed and then the next day pretty much repeating the whole thing. I should add that when we left the bar, on the way to my house, he called me private around 2 times and her phone around 2 times. He also texted me asking if "i was with her because he was over this BS and he just wanted to move on".

Right around this time my birthday was coming up and i had gotten us two tickets to the Bulls game. Before the game, few days before the game i should say i again told her i cant handle her talking to him if she wants this to work, she again repeated she isn't talking to him. And then...the BULLS GAME!!! We had a great time, and after the game as we were leaving the arena parking lot i saw that she was going thru her phone. She was however kind of hiding it, tilting it to the right so i wouldn't be able to see, however little did she know that the reflection of her phone was right on my passenger window due to window tint. I then saw her open up snapchat and....a picture....you already know from who...smiling in the picture and he wrote something. She didn't respond but....that was it for me...i knew if they weren't talking he wouldn't be smiling in the picture...i was done...not that i was done i should say, i just realized at that EXACT moment that....she is never going to change. She was not capable of change, at least not at this time. I needed to change MY life. The ride home i was quiet and she kept asking whats wrong...i didn't even wanna tell her or confront her about it...i just told her that i didn't wanna do this with her anymore and that i wanted to be done....she didn't argue...the ride home was....very quiet....i was just numb to the whole situation, realizing I'm the change NOT her...i needed to change MY life.

Closure and meeting "him", face to face for the first time

So about one week after this incident i leave the gym and "he" waited right in front of the gym....he drove his car around the parking lot, made his way down the aisle where i parked, drove down it and....slowly stopped...he asked if i had a moment to talk. I agreed, at this point i was truly done with her, for the first time my heart was dead. However she was in the gym so i suggested we meet in starbucks. We met in starbucks and then we started talking. He asked if me and her are still talking because she all of a sudden is trying heavily again to get involved with him and he was like me, exhausted, defeated, he just wanted to move on. I explained to him exactly what had transpired and why i made the decision i made, further adding i only talk to her about work if we do end up talking. At that exact moment she sent me a snapchat...talk about timing...he asked if he could see it...i open it and...a picture of her, smiling with a text "thanks for the motivation". I could see him get crushed right in front of me, i knew the feeling too well myself. We end up having an hour long conversation, pretty much about everything. He found out about Vegas shortly after it happened and was also defeated because according to him they both agreed they would "try and work things out". This time however...he was like me...numb, defeated and shattered about the whole situation. Shortly after meeting him she found out, got again mad at me for talking to him but it didn't matter to me anymore at that point...few days after that i blocked her completely out of my life and i decided to turn a new page, a new beginning, for me, for myself. Him....I'm not sure what he will do...and her....i wish her the best.

Conclusion and a question for you

I'm not sure if a "story" like this has ever been written on this site. For those that made it to the end and are still reading i would love your opinion on few things that i never understood and i STILL don't understand to this day.

Why couldn't she just PICK somebody and stick to her decisions?? I had a million conversations with her, telling her i don't care even if she picks him, or a 3rd person, but to just pick somebody so we all can stat moving. Why couldn't she pick him if she kept going back to him and why couldn't she pick me if she kept running to me all the time?? She told me that she was never treated by anybody like i have treated her, and i believe that, she was my queen. I opened the car door for her every single time, bought her flowers, always made her feel my number 1, my most important person, the most beautiful girl in the room.

I sincerely don't believe she is a bad person, i don't, i know some of you may be shaking your head now but i don't believe the decisions she made were vindictive. She was confused, i think, I'm not sure but i would love to know your opinions on this.

How am i doing now.....its hard...its hard because i have to see her everyday at work, so that sucks ROYALLY. I wouldn't say I'm "strong enough to get over her" i would rather say that i am exhausted, numb to everything. I don't hate her, i don't, there is however so much hurt here that i have a very hard time even looking at her direction, let alone speaking to her or looking her directly into eyes. To be polite and to avoid drama, if i see her in the lunchroom or the hallway i just say "hello" but i keep it moving, its not that i don't wanna talk to her, again i just....there is a lot of hurt that i suppressed for these past 2 years, that i ignored and its all catching up to me. I'm trying to go out and be positive so that does help. When we first met OMG...i looked and loved her with a burning passion, a feeling i never experienced before with anybody else. But as things happened that flame kept getting smaller and smaller, until it eventually extinguished.

One thing that bothers me is that i truly wanted to experience the world with her, experience the life with her, its what we talked about from day one and it felt so real, like it would happen and nothing could stand in our way....at the end of the day however...its a sad story. Walking away from it i learned a lot, perhaps the price was too steep but i think walking away I'm being able to say i at least met my soulmate??? Maybe that sounds stupid and cliche at this moment but alot of people get married, go thru life and they never experience burning love...i did it...i experienced it and....it was great when it was great lol. I don't however want it, as much as i believe she was the one, my soulmate, i believe in timing and it wasn't there and due to our actions there never will be.

I also learned the power of love...the power of love can move mountains but at the end of the day, you need two people. In these situations we all see red flags but we ignore them because "I'M DIFFERENT, he/she will be different with ME", we all wanna believe we are unique and will beat any odds however my situation thought me you need to have two people...it's not about ME its about WE, something i never got with her. Will i wear a scar forever...yes...will i go thru life thinking what if and perhaps feel a piece of me is missing...possibly...however i will NEVER again lower my standards down and let a woman disrespect me emotionally. I know how to treat a woman, how to make her happy and i will expect nothing less in return!! I don't want to get confused and have somebody think I'm saying I'm better then her, no, not at all, when i say lower my standards i mean lower my emotional standards and let somebody disrespect and make a fool out of me.

Two sides of a coin

I know my story might make her a monster in somebody's eyes but remember, two stories to every situation, in my case 3 stories. I'm sure she has her story and she was equally hurt by him and me in this ordeal. She was just as confused.

Questions

If you made it to the end i sincerely wanna thank you SO MUCH. I understand that it was long, and writing it today took me back thru a lot of pain however i feel it did me good, it helped me cope. Thank you all who finished reading and if you have any questions about my story please don't hesitate to ask. Again, everything i wrote above was to help me and to also understand her way of thinking better thru your help if possible.

Thank you all so much,

SJ

Edited March 29, 2017 by Origin
Spelling

March 29, 2017

posted before put a reply in by mistake

Edited March 29, 2017 by lftbehind

March 29, 2017

[/b]I'm not sure if a "story" like this has ever been written on this site. For those that made it to the end and are still reading i would love your opinion on few things that i never understood and i STILL don't understand to this day.
Why couldn't she just PICK somebody and stick to her decisions?? I had a million conversations with her, telling her i don't care even if she picks him, or a 3rd person, but to just pick somebody so we all can stat moving. Why couldn't she pick him if she kept going back to him and why couldn't she pick me if she kept running to me all the time?? She told me that she was never treated by anybody like i have treated her, and i believe that, she was my queen. I opened the car door for her every single time, bought her flowers, always made her feel my number 1, my most important person, the most beautiful girl in the room.
I sincerely don't believe she is a bad person, i don't, i know some of you may be shaking your head now but i don't believe the decisions she made were vindictive. She was confused, i think, I'm not sure but i would love to know your opinions on this.
How am i doing now.....its hard...its hard because i have to see her everyday at work, so that sucks ROYALLY. I wouldn't say I'm "strong enough to get over her" i would rather say that i am exhausted, numb to everything. I don't hate her, i don't, there is however so much hurt here that i have a very hard time even looking at her direction, let alone speaking to her or looking her directly into eyes. To be polite and to avoid drama, if i see her in the lunchroom or the hallway i just say "hello" but i keep it moving, its not that i don't wanna talk to her, again i just....there is a lot of hurt that i suppressed for these past 2 years, that i ignored and its all catching up to me. I'm trying to go out and be positive so that does help. When we first met OMG...i looked and loved her with a burning passion, a feeling i never experienced before with anybody else. But as things happened that flame kept getting smaller and smaller, until it eventually extinguished.
One thing that bothers me is that i truly wanted to experience the world with her, experience the life with her, its what we talked about from day one and it felt so real, like it would happen and nothing could stand in our way....at the end of the day however...its a sad story. Walking away from it i learned a lot, perhaps the price was too steep but i think walking away I'm being able to say i at least met my soulmate??? Maybe that sounds stupid and cliche at this moment but alot of people get married, go thru life and they never experience burning love...i did it...i experienced it and....it was great when it was great lol. I don't however want it, as much as i believe she was the one, my soulmate, i believe in timing and it wasn't there and due to our actions there never will be.

I also learned the power of love...the power of love can move mountains but at the end of the day, you need two people. In these situations we all see red flags but we ignore them because "I'M DIFFERENT, he/she will be different with ME", we all wanna believe we are unique and will beat any odds however my situation thought me you need to have two people...it's not about ME its about WE, something i never got with her. Will i wear a scar forever...yes...will i go thru life thinking what if and perhaps feel a piece of me is missing...possibly...however i will NEVER again lower my standards down and let a woman disrespect me emotionally. I know how to treat a woman, how to make her happy and i will expect nothing less in return!! I don't want to get confused and have somebody think I'm saying I'm better then her, no, not at all, when i say lower my standards i mean lower my emotional standards and let somebody disrespect and make a fool out of me.

Two sides of a coin
I know my story might make her a monster in somebody's eyes but remember, two stories to every situation, in my case 3 stories. I'm sure she has her story and she was equally hurt by him and me in this ordeal. She was just as confused.

Questions
If you made it to the end i sincerely wanna thank you SO MUCH. I understand that it was long, and writing it today took me back thru a lot of pain however i feel it did me good, it helped me cope. Thank you all who finished reading and if you have any questions about my story please don't hesitate to ask. Again, everything i wrote above was to help me and to also understand her way of thinking better thru your help if possible.

Thank you all so much,

SJ

Hi SJ,

I read your whole post and I'm sorry that you went through all you did with your girlfriend. It's good that you ended, so eventually you can go on to find a woman who appreciates all you have to offer and will treat you the way that you deserve to be treated. Maybe her feelings weren't strong enough for either one of you, so she wouldn't make a choice (said kindly). She sounds like she really has some issues that she has to work on before she will be a good mate for anyone. It sounds like she has a real problem with lying and you would have problems trusting her. You're doing the right thing by minimizing contact with her. Love is powerful and it makes us overlook and excuse things that we shouldn't.

Edited March 29, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

March 29, 2017

I don't know what you found so special about this chick. Maybe she was super hot but so are a million other women. Some women are addicted to drama in the they want to men to fight over them. Men too. It's how they get their ego boost and feel like a special little cookie.

When you're looking back on this and feeling devastated I want you to think about the next woman you're going to date and whether you want her to make you feel truly special or just one of a couple other dudes.

But yes totally cathartic to write all this crap out isn't it?

March 29, 2017

I've read your whole story and my heart absolutely breaks for you.

In my opinion this isn't a 'timing' issue at all. It will never be the right 'time' to be in a relationship with this girl. She is a serial cheater and she will never be faithful to anyone. If I'm not mistaken, she cheated on the first boyfriend (the guy who had the baby) and got together with the guy she eventually got engaged to. Then, while engaged and planning her wedding, she cheated on her fiancé with you.

Once a cheater, always a cheater...

The fact that she was planning a wedding AND cheating on her fiancé at the same time should tell you exactly what type of person she is. She was never confused - she is a player and loved all the drama.

I honestly hope you stay FAR away from her from now on. I bet she has already moved on to her next victim(s) too.

From your writing, I can tell that you are a very nice guy and you deserve so much more than this. And no, this girl was not your soulmate. You just had a great connection with her (just like her fiancé and the guy before him!)

You will find that great connection again - with someone who values a relationship as much as you do and who won't betray your love and trust.

Take time out for yourself and pick up the pieces. The, when you are ready to try again, go out and find this woman. She is out there.

Big hugs!

March 29, 2017

Hi Origin, it sounds like you have been to hell and back with this girl. I don't have any great advice for you because I'm going through my own painful **** right now too. I just wanted you to know that you sound like a good person and you deserve better than this. Hugs to you brother and when you are going through hell the only option is to keep going.

March 29, 2017

What a wild ride.

I can't begin to explain what was going on in this girl's mind, other than I guess she likes the drama and excitement of being desired by multiple people and playing them against each other... I don't mean she's sitting down coldly and thinking about it, like 'How can I break as many hearts as possible'? but if she didn't in her heart enjoy it, she had more than enough oppportunity to make a decision and bring an end to all this. Instead, she went fishing for even more men!

I guess most likely she's unbearably hungry for validation. She needs to feel wanted, but it's never enough for her. Making more and more people want her, making them want her even when they know they shouldn't, making them forgive her repeatedly... all of this serves as her attempt to convince herself that she's not worthless, but it's never, ever enough. Until she finds a way to be content with herself, she will never stop cheating on anyone who winds up with her.

But, you know, armchair psychology and all that. I don't really know.

I do know that you seem like an intelligent and sensitive fellow, and I'm sure you will find a much better partner someday.

March 29, 2017

That's quite a story. It took me so long, the system logged me out, lol.

As far as why she wouldn't just pick somebody, I have two theories, and they are not mutually exclusive. In fact, I think they depend on each other.

1) This is a woman terrified of commitment. You probably hear that more about men, but women have this problem too. She likely fears intimacy almost as much, so is emotionally unavailable. Maybe it didn't feel that way to you, but as soon as she got close to being actually attached to someone, she did something to sabotage it. Her previous relationship was destroyed by her cheating, and she will likely continue to hop from R to R in exactly this manner. She cannot choose because she cannot commit. She is afraid she will "miss out." That is her pathology.

2) She did not CHOOSE because not one of you men in this situation made her choose. No one held her feet to the fire. No one upheld their boundaries because everyone was afraid of losing her. She knew she had the ability to waffle and go back and forth and be uncommitted because every single man kept giving her chance after chance. People, you can't be scared. In fact, that is far more attractive to a woman than "being there" for her. Yes, when you are HER MAN, be there for her in difficult times. Be there for her when she needs a shoulder to lean on. But for God's sake, don't continue to be there for her when she effs you over again and again for two freakin' years!

If you had enforced your boundary it may not have necessarily cured her commitment issues. But it WOULD have at least ejected her from your life sooner rather than later. You wouldn't have been so beaten down and lost your self-esteem in the meantime. The other possibility is that if she is faced enough times with men who actually say, I ain't puttin' up with that sh ! t, maybe she will realize the game is up and SHE actually has to do some self-reflection. Which she might do if she is as decent (deep-down, somewhere) of a person as you think she is.

But the truth is...I think the only thing you could have done differently would have been to save yourself sooner. She was probably always a goner, good person, genuinely confused, or not. Perhaps she will learn as she matures, but for now, her tornado will keep touching down on the men who allow it.

March 29, 2017

To answer your questions.

Yes she actually is a bad personal. She pathologically lies. She doesn't care who she hurts. She knows exactly what she is doing. She isn't "choosing". She was never going to. She was merely manipulating both of you as long as she could. My guess is you or him offered her financial gain or fun things like those tickets to games that she might not otherwise get. She's a user, liar, cheater , cake eater. She is not a good person. Good luck to whomever knocks her up my god.

You were not in love, you were addicted to the drama and your attachment style was activated. Read the book "Attached". She is classic avoidant and you are insecure attachment style. Theses two together make it seem like fire works by really it is super toxic and not love whatsoever. Please seriously read the book, it will open your eyes to a lot going on here.

This woman is not capable of being monogamous and probably not capable of love. Block delete get some therapy to see why you allowed yourself to be treated this way for so long. Don't ever look back.

March 29, 2017

Thank you for everybody's response. I'm on my cell phone so I'm having a hard time quoting what some of you were saying. At the end of the day I appreciate it. Some of you gave me support already, some told me cold hard truth and some offered very good advices. Once I'm home and I have time I'll respond. Thanks again

March 29, 2017

My heart truly goes out to you, and I hope you allow YOUR heart to heal fully before dating again. Have you thought about counseling to find out why you kept allowing her to yank you around?

If nothing else, please get yourself tested.

March 29, 2017

Just finished reading part 1; I haven't read part 2 yet. I'll comment again after reading part 2. I need a break--not because of the length of your post, but because of disgust I feel about the sickness and the pitiful character of this woman.

I am sorry for the pain and the deception this woman has put you through.

Despite of whatever her character pathology is, and despite of whatever psychotic and deformed mindset she suffers from, at the end of day YOU have suffered more than enough.

I hope you have the ability to NEVER let this broken and toxic person cause any more damage to you.

But more than that, much more than that

I hope that you are able to find someone else and love that other person with your whole heart, without bitterness and doubt.

This awful woman has done a tremendous amount of damage to you. I hope you find the strength to recover from it.

I am an xOW. After everything damaging that I went through with my xMM, I find myself permanently emotionally damaged and I feel I can never ever again trust anyone so fully and completely because of the ugly lies, deception, and pain that xMM created in my life.

I hope your story comes out with a happier ending and a peaceful recovery.

March 29, 2017

She's a pretty smarty girl...she purposely selects men that will put up with her. Her fiancé was already cheated on & continued to take her back & then she meets you that's the same type of person. She finds weak men she can control...she's the worst kind of narcissist bc she's smart enough to find men that will enable her behavior & give her all the attention & love she's needs, without her having to do anything but cry.

You need therapy to figure out why you were so weak to put up with such a nightmare...I can understand a BS that has kids & trying to save a family, dealing with this but not someone that had no ties to this degree...there's something really off with you & he fiancé to allow this for yourselves...& don't fool yourself to thinking it's "love". It's deeper than that to why you allowed this for yourself.

March 29, 2017

I can tell you what the deal with her is, She is completely BAT S*** CRAZY.

Besides what VeveCakes said, and she is totally correct about everything she said, But this girl is a complete nut in everyway.

You know, the question is, why did you let yourself get involved with her in the first place. You sound relatively sane, overall.

You do need to get into therapy so that you understand better what the deal is with you.

I mean as guys we have all done some really stupid things, I get that. But in a little less than 2 years you let this girl drag you to the pit of hell.

I hope you figure that part out so you will never do that again...

March 29, 2017

Sorry, but I don't think she was just "confused". Yes, good, well-intentioned people sometimes find themselves in love with two people. Sometimes they even end up cheating and having affairs. But those people feel guilty enough about it that they make a genuine effort to change the situation. Once there is a D-Day and everyone knows what is going on, that usually makes them feel guilty enough to make a decision one way or the other. This girl was nothing like that. She went back and forth between guys faster than I don't even know what. She's lied to you so many times I don't know why you think you even know who she is. She is not your "soulmate". You're doing a real disservice to yourself and to all the women out there who could be your soulmate when you call her that. She is a cold-hearted person who never even cared about the pain she caused to so many different men. It's not a matter of timing when somebody cheats so many times with so many people. It means they prefer the drama to an honest relationship. They are not going to be a good partner for anyone.

Trust and honesty is really such an important key to a relationship that without it,you're building a house of straw. It might have looked like your dream house the first moment you saw it, but you can't live in it. I mean you can, but you will always be shivering and wet and cold.

March 30, 2017

Hi SJ,
You're doing the right thing by minimizing contact with her. Love is powerful and it makes us overlook and excuse things that we shouldn't.

Thanks for the support

I don't know what you found so special about this chick. Maybe she was super hot but so are a million other women. Some women are addicted to drama in the they want to men to fight over them. Men too. It's how they get their ego boost and feel like a special little cookie.

But yes totally cathartic to write all this crap out isn't it?

Cathartic...OMG YES, sharing it here and hearing peoples opinion on it helped a lot already!! Idk what i found special, still figuring it out but glad its over, it feels liberating.

I've read your whole story and my heart absolutely breaks for you.

In my opinion this isn't a 'timing' issue at all. It will never be the right 'time' to be in a relationship with this girl. She is a serial cheater and she will never be faithful to anyone. If I'm not mistaken, she cheated on the first boyfriend (the guy who had the baby) and got together with the guy she eventually got engaged to. Then, while engaged and planning her wedding, she cheated on her fiancé with you.

Once a cheater, always a cheater...

The fact that she was planning a wedding AND cheating on her fiancé at the same time should tell you exactly what type of person she is. She was never confused - she is a player and loved all the drama.

I honestly hope you stay FAR away from her from now on. I bet she has already moved on to her next victim(s) too.

From your writing, I can tell that you are a very nice guy and you deserve so much more than this. And no, this girl was not your soulmate. You just had a great connection with her (just like her fiancé and the guy before him!)

You will find that great connection again - with someone who values a relationship as much as you do and who won't betray your love and trust.

Take time out for yourself and pick up the pieces. The, when you are ready to try again, go out and find this woman. She is out there.

Big hugs!

Your post was the first one i read this morning on the way to work, made me smile very much, thank you for that. I agree with everything you wrote above.

Hi Origin, it sounds like you have been to hell and back with this girl. I don't have any great advice for you because I'm going through my own painful **** right now too. I just wanted you to know that you sound like a good person and you deserve better than this. Hugs to you brother and when you are going through hell the only option is to keep going.

Thank you for the support, means a lot.

What a wild ride.

I can't begin to explain what was going on in this girl's mind, other than I guess she likes the drama and excitement of being desired by multiple people and playing them against each other... I don't mean she's sitting down coldly and thinking about it, like 'How can I break as many hearts as possible'? but if she didn't in her heart enjoy it, she had more than enough oppportunity to make a decision and bring an end to all this. Instead, she went fishing for even more men!

I agree, i don't think she is that vindictive that she did it on PURPOSE, again, she also has her story, she always kept repeating how him and me were playing with her mind. It could have been a deflection but i never played with her mind, i really meant everything i said to her, it was just hard to explain to her that her actions caused both him and me to change. She got hurt in this also, all 3 of us did.

2) She did not CHOOSE because not one of you men in this situation made her choose. No one held her feet to the fire. No one upheld their boundaries because everyone was afraid of losing her. She knew she had the ability to waffle and go back and forth and be uncommitted because every single man kept giving her chance after chance. People, you can't be scared. In fact, that is far more attractive to a woman than "being there" for her. Yes, when you are HER MAN, be there for her in difficult times. Be there for her when she needs a shoulder to lean on. But for God's sake, don't continue to be there for her when she effs you over again and again for two freakin' years!

If you had enforced your boundary it may not have necessarily cured her commitment issues. But it WOULD have at least ejected her from your life sooner rather than later. You wouldn't have been so beaten down and lost your self-esteem in the meantime. The other possibility is that if she is faced enough times with men who actually say, I ain't puttin' up with that sh ! t, maybe she will realize the game is up and SHE actually has to do some self-reflection. Which she might do if she is as decent (deep-down, somewhere) of a person as you think she is.

But the truth is...I think the only thing you could have done differently would have been to save yourself sooner. She was probably always a goner, good person, genuinely confused, or not. Perhaps she will learn as she matures, but for now, her tornado will keep touching down on the men who allow it.

True, i think his and mine indecision only enabled her more, maybe she didn't do it on purpose but she always knew she would be "forgiven" so to her it didn't matter...who knows now.

p.s. the tornado analogy....powerful.

To answer your questions.

Yes she actually is a bad personal. She pathologically lies. She doesn't care who she hurts. She knows exactly what she is doing. She isn't "choosing". She was never going to. She was merely manipulating both of you as long as she could. My guess is you or him offered her financial gain or fun things like those tickets to games that she might not otherwise get. She's a user, liar, cheater , cake eater. She is not a good person. Good luck to whomever knocks her up my god.

You were not in love, you were addicted to the drama and your attachment style was activated. Read the book "Attached". She is classic avoidant and you are insecure attachment style. Theses two together make it seem like fire works by really it is super toxic and not love whatsoever. Please seriously read the book, it will open your eyes to a lot going on here.

This woman is not capable of being monogamous and probably not capable of love. Block delete get some therapy to see why you allowed yourself to be treated this way for so long. Don't ever look back.

Thank you for a very blunt answer. I purchased the book on apple the moment i read your comment, i will definitely read it. Thanks again!!

My heart truly goes out to you, and I hope you allow YOUR heart to heal fully before dating again. Have you thought about counseling to find out why you kept allowing her to yank you around?

If nothing else, please get yourself tested.

Yes absolutely on both, i have already started looking for a counselor, i need to figure out what everybody on here keeps pointing out..."why did i let her bring me down so bad", "why didn't i stand up for my values and demand the respect and if she wasn't able to give it to me why didn't i leave". I'm looking forward to the convos.

Just finished reading part 1; I haven't read part 2 yet. I'll comment again after reading part 2. I need a break--not because of the length of your post, but because of disgust I feel about the sickness and the pitiful character of this woman.

I am sorry for the pain and the deception this woman has put you through.
Despite of whatever her character pathology is, and despite of whatever psychotic and deformed mindset she suffers from, at the end of day YOU have suffered more than enough.

I hope you have the ability to NEVER let this broken and toxic person cause any more damage to you.

But more than that, much more than that
I hope that you are able to find someone else and love that other person with your whole heart, without bitterness and doubt.

This awful woman has done a tremendous amount of damage to you. I hope you find the strength to recover from it.

I am an xOW. After everything damaging that I went through with my xMM, I find myself permanently emotionally damaged and I feel I can never ever again trust anyone so fully and completely because of the ugly lies, deception, and pain that xMM created in my life.

I hope your story comes out with a happier ending and a peaceful recovery.

Looking forward to your second comment, sadly(or luckily maybe, depending on how you wanna look at it) it didn't work out. I will try and read your story later if you have it posted, I also wish you the best, thanks for the support.

She's a pretty smarty girl...she purposely selects men that will put up with her. Her fiancé was already cheated on & continued to take her back & then she meets you that's the same type of person. She finds weak men she can control...she's the worst kind of narcissist bc she's smart enough to find men that will enable her behavior & give her all the attention & love she's needs, without her having to do anything but cry.

You need therapy to figure out why you were so weak to put up with such a nightmare...I can understand a BS that has kids & trying to save a family, dealing with this but not someone that had no ties to this degree...there's something really off with you & he fiancé to allow this for yourselves...& don't fool yourself to thinking it's "love". It's deeper than that to why you allowed this for yourself.

Agreed, i will be seeking help to find some answers. Thanks

I can tell you what the deal with her is, She is completely BAT S*** CRAZY.

Besides what VeveCakes said, and she is totally correct about everything she said, But this girl is a complete nut in everyway.

You know, the question is, why did you let yourself get involved with her in the first place. You sound relatively sane, overall.

You do need to get into therapy so that you understand better what the deal is with you.

I mean as guys we have all done some really stupid things, I get that. But in a little less than 2 years you let this girl drag you to the pit of hell.

I hope you figure that part out so you will never do that again...

Ahhh you know....that conversation on WHY i got involved and WHY i kept let it happen, i cant wait to have it with a counselor. I know it was wrong the things she did but I'm baffled that i never did anything about it. If i can point to one thing that stood out to me the most, why i was interested in her, why i always stayed and maybe why i thought she would change...i wanted a family, and for the first time in forever i found a girl(or so i thought) that wanted the exactly same things as me.

Sorry, but I don't think she was just "confused". Yes, good, well-intentioned people sometimes find themselves in love with two people. Sometimes they even end up cheating and having affairs. But those people feel guilty enough about it that they make a genuine effort to change the situation. Once there is a D-Day and everyone knows what is going on, that usually makes them feel guilty enough to make a decision one way or the other. This girl was nothing like that. She went back and forth between guys faster than I don't even know what. She's lied to you so many times I don't know why you think you even know who she is. She is not your "soulmate". You're doing a real disservice to yourself and to all the women out there who could be your soulmate when you call her that. She is a cold-hearted person who never even cared about the pain she caused to so many different men. It's not a matter of timing when somebody cheats so many times with so many people. It means they prefer the drama to an honest relationship. They are not going to be a good partner for anyone.

Trust and honesty is really such an important key to a relationship that without it,you're building a house of straw. It might have looked like your dream house the first moment you saw it, but you can't live in it. I mean you can, but you will always be shivering and wet and cold.

I think i read your post at least 10 times, because i like it and because I KNOW or i should say I KNEW everything you wrote above, i just chose to ignore it. I will be seeking help on why i allowed it, still it was refreshing to be reminded of such an insight.

Soulmate comment...you may be right but i need to find that answer myself one day, and you are probably right actually. Also, the part about me not really knowing who she is...you're probably right....maybe i was just blinded with the idea of a "perfect" girl, an idea she recognized and sold it to me....only time will tell but i will learn the answer to this question one day.

Edited March 30, 2017 by Origin
Adding additional comment

Trying to understand what happened and the mayhem I just went thru

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